posted
So my girlfriend has told me that she does not like the fact that I masterbate, because of the fact that it makes her feel less special if I do. I have respected this, but I'm finding it very hard. We are sexually active and have sex about twice a week max (we have also been dating just over a year). I find that if i dont "release" once in a while I tend to be attracted to more women in public and get sorta ancy...I'd find it rude to plainly ask her if we could have sex more often, and she gets very offended (often angry) if I masterbated.
Any advice? Thanks.
Posts: 1 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2008
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posted
Sounds to me like you need to talk to your girlfriend about the fact that masturbation and partnered sex are just not the same thing: neither can replace the other. They are different.
You really can't ask a partner not to have a sexuality that is not 100% about you: their sexuality isn't yours to own or control. If your girlfriend doesn't masturbate herself, she may have a tougher time understanding this right now, but at some point, she likely will do that (it's possible her own sexual desire just isn't all that strong yet, or that she hasn't explored her own sexuality much) and understand more of where you're coming from.
But understand or no, your sexuality is something you can share with her, and she with you, but she doesn't get to own it or control it. That's not healthy for you or your relationship, nor is it realistic. Most people masturbate, and most always will, even when very happy and satisfied with a partner. If she is going to have sexual partners, that is something she simply is going to need to accept.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63666 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
ouch man, i'd tell her to back off. i know what u mean with the whole "gotta let off" thing, i find myself getting ancy if i dont let off at least once a day :| cant imagine waiting till the end of the week.
Either don't tell her about every time u masterbate, or tell her that its something that u like to do and ask her why she wont allow you to do what you want to yourself. It's completely natural. I mean think about this. What if ur gf told u u wernt allowed to take a dump unless she was there to watch cause it made her feel more special? its just normal bodily functions taking place, sometimes it just needs to be done for yours and all the girls in the world's sake Posts: 27 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Just simply explain to her how irrational her decrying of your masturbation is. It should take about two minutes.
Posts: 24 | From: Delaware Valley | Registered: Jun 2008
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One reason we'll often see young women having this kind of issue more often than young men is twofold: a) young women aren't given the kind of permission and encouragement to masturbate young men are much of the time -- young women tend to be shamed or scolded for it from childhood with far more frequency than young men are -- so attitudes tend to be different and more negative and b) young men either assume their female partner's aren't masturbating, so don't have that same issue themselves, or their female partners don't yet masturbate, so it's not even something they have considered as an issue.
But no matter how you slice it, a lot of people have some pretty complex ideas about masturbation, and a lot of conflicting social conditioning about it. A lot of the feelings some people have about masturbation also aren't rational, so it can take more than one talk or one time to work through those feelings and ideas and get them all sorted.
I agree, JustSomeNiceGuy, in a lot of ways, treating masturbation as a kind of bodily function like emptying bowels is pretty reasonable. However, most people don't associate doing that with sexuality, and it's also elective -- even if for many of us, in some degree it doesn't feel that way, but like something we don't feel physically well or whole without doing -- rather than something the body just does, like having a wet dream is. I'd also be cautious as posing male masturbation as something that's about women's sake, just like I would as posing female masturbation as being for men's sake: it's an activity that's about the self, not someone else. We don't do it for someone else's sake, but for our own, and that's kind of the point.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63666 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I would like to ask what is meant by for girls' sake, you aren't going to assault anyone because you aren't masturbating.
To the opening poster, talk to your girlfriend and explain that masturbation is not a substitute for partnersex, but a fulfilling sexual activity in it's own right and that you do it because you want to pleasure, love and care for yourself, not because you don't want to love, pleasure (note this is not intended as an endorsement of the notion that anyone is entitled to sexual activity from someone else because they are dating) and care for her. And let her know that her masturbating would not bother you whether you are dating or not (I presume it wouldn't bother you otherwise you'd be applying a double standard) because you appreciate her ownership of her body and that her desires may not always match yours.
I hope that helps.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 840 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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