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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Talking about sex

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Author Topic: Talking about sex
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A very important part of being in a sexual relationship with a partner is having an understanding that both people in this relationship should have a hand in shared control. Thereís a level of respect for one another that allows each partner to set boundaries and trust in the fact that they should not be crossed. As pointed out in our article: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner, open conversation about sex with your partner is a big part of the experience being comfortable, healthy, beneficial, and satisfying.

Itís understandable that talking about sex can feel awkward Ė so how do you approach these important conversations with your partner(s)? What do you feel are the most important things to be said? How do you approach and set boundaries? Also, how do you/ would you handle any situation where the boundaries youíve set arenít respected?

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I'll be the first to comment on this thread because this is a topic that I've learned a LOT about in the last little while. The most important that I've found is that I never attempted to talk about sex DURING sex. I figure that if there's an issue that would prevent sex from happening it should be figured out with good communication beforehand. And also because talking about sex while one of us was naked just made the person feel exposed and vulnerable. My last partner and I liked to talk when we were laying in bed before we went to sleep (not really doing anything sexual). If there was an issue that one of us had we would try to stay logical and rational about the whole thing (that didn't always work, but we tried). We also tried to be as up front as possible with boundaries.

Unfortunately, I'm talking about this partner in the past tense because currently we're on a hiatus from sex and are seeing other people. The biggest problem that happened is that no matter how forward I would try to be with him about boundaries, sometimes he would break them. And with me, it doesn't matter how many times there was good communication and respect with sex, if there are only a few times where I would say "stop" and he wouldn't, it really made my trust for him go down. Now, we may pick up our sex life in the future, but I won't be comfortable with that until he learns to respect what I'm feeling.

"It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees"

Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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OK, loaded questions. [Smile]

I usually approach this kind of stuff after sex, if only because we're still on that high and he knows that I'm not trying to tell him he's a horrible lover, etc. It just seems like the insecurities are less after a great bout of sex.

That being said, if anything really isn't working for me during sex, I have no qualms about saying it, especially if it's something that's either painful or really getting me out of the mood (which will make things painful very quickly). I tend to try to make comments like this in a positive way (ie, not "don't do it like that!" but rather "lower" "do it like this" etc.). I tend to find that it disrupts the rhythm less because my partner knows that now things are really working for me, and things are better for him when they're better for me.

The biggest hurdle to get over is the first time talking about these things in each situation. Whenever you choose to talk about sex, it's awkward the first time or two. It really makes it so much better overall though, and I enjoy sex so much more when I can just say "Hey, this kind of isn't working for me" etc.

THAT being said, sometimes there is just no way to phrase "that one thing you do isn't working for me" that doesn't hurt the other party, and while that sucks in the short term, it makes things better in the long run because not only do you both enjoy it more (after a little insecurity, perhaps) and you have crossed that hurdle and can now talk about anything sexual.

That was a lot longer than I intended [Smile]

Long story short, all communication=good. [Smile]

"We all have wants and needs and desires, strange as they may seem. If you stop to think about it, we're all pretty creative, cooking up all these fantasies. It's like a kind of poetry."

Posts: 48 | From: Los Angeles, CA, USA | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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