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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Moral problem (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Moral problem
Judy
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Hi there, I'm wondering if I'm the only one who isn't able to have sex because of a moral problem... sex just seems downright wrong to me, but i dont know why, and I don't know how to overcome it, does anyone have advice?
thanks. J

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orca
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It's not uncommon for some people, especially younger people, to feel sex is somehow morally wrong. Oftentimes, this can stem from some misinformation they received about sex when they were growing up. I think it would be helpful, though, to explore why you feel this way about sex. What about sex specifically do you feel is wrong? When you do think about sex, what exactly do you think about?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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alwaysworrying
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I was raised in the Christian religion which teaches that sex before marriage is wrong. Don't let anyone tell you that you are silly because you think that sex is only "right" within marriage; that is a decision between you and God, if your moral obligations are religious ones.

I lost my virginity at 19, back in November. I wish I would have waited until marriage. I love my boyfriend dearly, and we talk often of marriage, but I know things aren't always that simple.

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Judy
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That's the funny thing with me, when I was younger I actually thought about having sex, but now it just seems wrong, it didn't worry me at first since i thought it would just go away again, but I'm already past 20 and now it's getting a little strange. I am not religious, and neither is my family, it's not about the marriage issue, it's just in general, but also only for me, I don't mind if I hear about it, or other people have it.
I was with a boy a few months ago, for the first time in my life, and we were kissing and he started touching me a little, I was still fully dressed, and everything, but the next morning I felt terrible, as if I had commited some awful crime.
He left me after a few months when I told him I didnt want to have sex with him, he thought i didnt find him attraktive, which wasn't true.
I really don't know what to do anymore...
Thanks for replying.

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orca
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Have you ever had any kind of sexual trauma? I ask because it's not uncommon for people to be completely turned off by sex after some sexual abuse. What about body image issues? If those are present, that can also have an impact on how we view sex.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Judy
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no, no trauma, not even a small one... and body issues... I'm not sure, people say I have a good body, but sometimes I'm not so certain. I don't know if it's related to that... is it possible that I waited too long? that the part where you are supposed to have sex just... passed? and now I dont want to anymore??
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orca
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Did you ever see the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin"? Well, spoiler alert, he ends up happily married and having sex at the end of the movie. Granted, it is a movie, but it's still true that there is no certain time for people to have sex in. Everyone is different and is ready for sex at a different point in their life. It's not the kind of thing where once that time passes, you can never go back. It might even be that right now you are going through a time where sex just isn't appealing to you, but that that will change and you will want sex again and find sex to be a very good thing.

By the way, are you by any chance on birth control pills? Those are known to lower a person's libido. I'm sorry to ask all of these questions, but I just want to try and eliminate some possible causes.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Judy
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Haha, yes, I saw that movie... but was that also his problem? I always thought he never had sex because he was such a loser ^^;;
Because that isn't my problem at all, everyone thinks I have a very fullfilled sex life... but also when it comes to myself, I can't even do those things on my own.

No, I've never taken any. Feel free to ask anything if you think it could help... I'm pretty desperate to figure out whats wrong...

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orca
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Aww, Steve Carrell isn't a loser. [Frown]

Okay, but when you do think about sex, what parts of it do you have a problem with? Is it the physical parts, or certain aspects of the physical parts? Or is it the emotional parts? Are there any circumstances under which you would have sex (i.e. marriage, being in love, last woman on earth, etc.)?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Judy
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Haha, I guess he's pretty cool ^^;

it's the physical part... only the physical one, no marriage, love or last woman on earth thing... it's always just about the physical one, I don't mind kissing or anything, just when it comes to more intimate things.

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Judy
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It doesn't even depend on the person, no matter who it is... even if it's just myself, it just makes me feel awful to even think about it.
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orca
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In the past, when you were with someone and things did progress beyond kissing, what thoughts were going through your mind? What was your reaction?

I should clarify, we are not psychologists, so while we can help you in sorting out some of these issues, our advice should never be used in place of the advice of a trained professional.

[ 04-06-2008, 04:40 AM: Message edited by: orca ]

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Judy
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That only happened once, with that one guy. I was actually enjoying it at first, but then he started touching me down there, and it felt like... i dont know, skipping school, or stealing, it was totally weird, so I told him to stop. it just felt as if I were doing something illegal or wrong.
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Judy
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yes, of course, I understand that, but... you seem to know a lot more of the issue than me, and talking about it actually helps me a little to understand it better too... so I am very thankful even if it's just for the talk, I don't actually have anyone to whom I can talk about this, all my friends think I'm insane or mentally ill.
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orca
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Is it possible that things were just progressing at a rate with which you felt uncomfortable? Or do you think it goes beyond that?

You're not mentally ill for feeling this way. Plenty of people have felt this way about sex at one point or another. And I'm glad that it is helping to talk this out. [Smile]

[ 04-06-2008, 04:44 AM: Message edited by: orca ]

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Judy
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I think it's beyond that, because it's not only at that moment, generally even just thinking about it makes me feel strange...
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orca
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Are you clear on how everything works/what happens during sex, the whole physical part? I ask because a lot of times people won't know what happens and will assume something different occurs than what really does (heck, even my mother didn't know a few things that I do and she's a RN).

Also, when you do masturbate or when you are intimate with someone else, do you have time to yourself, or is it one of those things were you are constantly worried about someone walking in on you? If so, that can cause you to feel a bit uncomfortable about sex and feel like you are doing something wrong.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Judy
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Well that already makes me feel better, at least I'm not the only one in the world ^^;

Yes, I also thought that at first, but I actually read a lot about it, including a lot of things on this site.

That's already where it starts, I can't even masturbate, I did it once and after that I felt so terrible I never did it again.
No, that's never been a problem, I live alone over here.

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September
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You know what, then? Maybe getting acquainted with your own body first is the way to start. I'll just link you to a couple of articles that I think you might find helpful.
Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep.)
Pink Parts - Female Sexual Anatomy

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Judy
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I read both of those already.... and a few others too...
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Judy
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I don't have anything against masturbation as long as I'm not the one doing it, i know that pretty much everyone does it, so I thought why not, let's give it a try, and then I felt awful, despite knowing that everyone does that, it just seemed wrong for me to be doing it.
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orca
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Do you feel that you are holding yourself to too high a standard in comparison to those around you? What is it about masturbation that makes you feel awful? Is it just that you are giving yourself sexual gratification or is it the thoughts that go through your head at the time? Or is it something else entirely?

You might also want to take a look at this response David gave to someone asking if their sexual fantasies were innapropriate. And this response Susie gave to someone who felt guilty about letting her boyfriend touch her before marriage.

[ 04-06-2008, 05:24 AM: Message edited by: orca ]

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Judy
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my sexual fantasies? I don't think I've ever actually had any... I've never actually thought about anything to do with sex, I don't really like to think about it, it doesn't turn me on at all.... the one time I masturbated I just... closed my eyes and thought about nothing at all, i was trying to focuse on the music, thinking only made me realise how wrong it felt.

What do you mean in too high standard? standard of what?


But that's also not my problem... I don't care that I'm not married, I'm not much of a family person, I don't think I will ever get married.

[ 04-06-2008, 05:29 AM: Message edited by: Judy ]

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orca
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Well, you said that you are okay with your friends talking about having sex, but you don't think it's right for you to have sex. That kind of standard, where it's okay for other people to do something, but not for you and then you end up creating some guilt for yourself. It's a trap a lot of people fall in to. I know I still do that from time to time. I think, "It's okay that my friends smoke, but if I smoke, then it's not okay. I shouldn't smoke because I know better and it's just not healthy." and then I puff on a cigarette once and feel guilty for a whole week. Is that similar to the way you feel about sex?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Judy
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Well... yeah, i guess I can relate it to smoking a little, except that with smoking I have a good reason: it's unhealthy, but sex is actually more healthy than unhealthy... so I can't find my reason as to why not... that's why I'm so confused. I've never wanted to smoke... but... I have wanted to have sex, it just doesn't seem right.
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orca
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So my question then is: why do you feel like you need to live up to that higher standard? If it's okay for your friends to have sex and masturbate, then why isn't it okay for you to have sex and masturbate?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Judy
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I have no idea, that's what I'm trying to figure out... because logically seen I don't have anything against sex, it just feels so wrong, and I don't know why.
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September
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Okay. Here's the thing: a lot of the time, what makes people uncomfortable when it comes to sex, is being unprepared for what's coming. That is, not being comfortable with their body, not being comfortable with being naked and thus exposed, not knowing what they're supposed to do and what feels good. And pretty much all of that can be helped by getting to know your own body. By becoming acquainted and comfortable with it, and by knowing what does and doesn't feel good to you.

That is one big reason for not wanting to have sex or feeling that it's wrong. The other big reason is something Orca already mentioned, and that's past sexual abuse or sexual shaming (being told from an early age on that sex is bad). But you've already ruled that out.

Another thing to keep in mind: there are people out there who just aren't interested in sex, either at that particular time in life, or ever. Either because they just aren't interested, period, or because they are but feel they cannot handle the emotional and physical risks, or any other of a myriad of reasons. And that's perfectly fine, too. Might be that you are finding yourself in that space right now.

Here's the important question: Do you want to have sex? Does it bother you that you cannot get interested in sex and would you like to change that? Then maybe it's time to look into counseling (not because there is anything wrong with you, but because talking about things can help us make sense of them). However, if you're fine with sex not being a part of your life right now, then maybe there is nothing that needs to be done right now and you can just focus on all the other things in your life.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Judy
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Could it be possible that I'm asexual, or something along those lines? I've read about that at some point... it's supposed to be possible.
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Judy
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Well... the last one is very close to what's going on, somehow in a certain way I do want to have sex, mostly just to... get it over with, because everyone I know has had sex, except for me, I feel sort of left out, as if they had done a step in life I missed, they can talk about it and know what its like and I can't. It doesn't feel right at my age to not have had sex, even my mother is worried about me already...
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September
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Do YOU want to have sex because YOU want to, or because you feel like you should and it's something that's expected of you? You need to do what's right for you, not for your mother or your friends or for society at large. And no matter what the reason is, you're not feeling ready for sex right now, and when our body tells us things like that, it's best to respect it. Having sex you're not ready for just to 'get it over with' is always a bad idea.

(Also? Not everyone is having sex. I promise. I didn't start having sex until I was 21, and I have a lot of friends who waited just as long, for different reasons.)

If YOU want to overcome your issues regarding sex, because you feel it's something that's really affecting your life and hindering you, then I repeat my suggestion regarding counseling.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Judy
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So it's alright if I just... don't have sex at all?
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orca
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It's perfectly alright, so long as that is what you want to do. [Smile]

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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September
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Yep. That's perfectly alright. There is no law that says that everyone needs to have sex. Like I said, there are many people out there who don't, for different reasons. It's pretty simple, really: if you don't want to have sex, don't. It's not a chore, and no one's standing by with a checklist to make sure that you've had sex. [Smile]

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Judy
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Oh... well I guess in that case it's all good then. Thanks a lot for being so patient and answering me, I really really appreciate it. ^^
You guys do a great job. thanks so much.
I wish you a pleasant day. =)
Judy

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