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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Love? Sex? What?!

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Author Topic: Love? Sex? What?!
nothinglikeasong
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So im sure you've seen this post a hundred times, but wholly **** EVERYONE is having sex. I just became friends with this new group at school and they are all having sex. And they aren't even the slutty type of people at my school. It seems like everyday i find out someone new has lost their virginity. See im not saying im against it, but its like, these people, they go out with their boyfriends for like 3 monthes and claim that they are in love and have sex with them. See, ive never been in love, but is love really something that happens within a 3 month period in high school? I was under the impression love was something a lot harder to find. I mean, i dont have an objection to having sex with someone i love, but are these people really in love? i kind of feel left out. They all just seem so far ahead of me, not just physically, i mean emotionally. I mean, i dont consider myself emotionally vacuous but come on, love after a few short monthes? I dont know if i beleive them. Maybe they just think its love? It just makes me feel very, very insecure that i am not experiencing what they are. I dont want to like..fall behind or something. I know that sounds stupid, but its a concern. What do u think about this? i so need advice on this topic? love, sex, whatever, anything you can tell me.
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000
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Well I'll say what I do know. That is, that love can mean different things to different people, and can come at different times. Do these people feel what you'd consider love? Some might, others might not. I think if you want to wait for whatever love means to you before you have sex that's fine, so don't worry about others and just wait until it feels right for you. However many people are having sex, I am sure you are not the only one who is not -so also don't let fears of falling behind be a motivation for your actions.

Also, please don't use "slutty" in a derogatory manner. It perpetuates a lot of negative, unfair judgments about men and especially women. Plus this website won't allow it.

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nothinglikeasong
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yeah sorry i didn't know what other word to use...sexually permiscuous?
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Heather
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Promiscuity isn't a good term either, because it's arbitrary. Promiscuous just means that by any given person's standards, someone has had a "lot" of sexual partners, or is indiscriminate in choosing them.

And that's not what your friends are reporting to you: they're reporting that they are experiencing strong feelings for the person that they're with.

Even if they were not? It's not a social requirement that a person MUST only have sex with someone they feel giant love for or romantic love for.

Regardless, we are ALL different. So, basing what feels right for you on what feels right for others in your peer group isn't sound. if you know what YOU need, there's no need to feel insecure because it might be different from what someone else does.

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Bebop Bodhisattva
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People do all sorts of silly things for all sorts of silly reasons. Maybe they're genuinely in love. Maybe they just think they are because they're young and hormonal. Maybe they're just pretending because they don't think it's acceptable to have sex with someone without the pretext of love. Regardless of anything else, they're getting valuable experience. You can speculate on their motives all you want, but reserve passing judgement until you understand the situation.

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bluefreak44
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When it comes to love, I believe there are two major types in romantic relationships.

There's the euphoric, "in love" feeling that often happens rather quickly in a relationship. It's fun, but an emotional roller coaster and sometimes a bit more shallow.

Then there's the action of love, where you choose to love someone and commit to them. It may not be all kittens and rainbows, but in most serious relationships it will last long after the euphoria has started to wear off.

Maybe right now you're just looking more for the latter, while your friends are seeking the former.

And don't worry, EVERYONE doesn't have sex. I didn't till I was 20 and married. It's often just that those who aren't having sex don't talk about it as much as those who do, at least in high school (from my experience).

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Lyra_Daemon
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Even if they're pretty positive they are "in love", it's not a prerequiste that you have to be in love with someone in order to have sex with them - just comfortable, trusting, and communicative relationships are the best.
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asex
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Not everyone has sex. I'll probably never have sex as long as I live. If I do, it'll be me going "why the hell does everyone think this is so great?!" and most likely ending up with a "that's it. wow...that was pointless" response to it because I don't think people with absolutely no sex drive or attraction can orgasm or feel any sexual pleasure...so yeah, "uh..that's it?" would probably be my response.

Anyway, sex doesn't require love. Love doesn't require sex. They're two totally different things. My husband could sleep with another woman and I really wouldn't give a ****. It's sex. It doesn't matter one bit. As long as he loves me, he can **** whoever the hell he wants.

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000
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asex -is that for "asexual"? You know, I really don't quite believe there's such a thing as an asexual person. Sex can involve so many different things, and the feelings can be very complex. A lot of times we are raised to believe sex means one thing and stems from one kind of feeling, when often that's just no the case.

How old are you? I ask because many things change for people over time. I would not be so quick to judge that you'll always feel the same way about things that you do now. That being said, not wanting to have sex now is perfectly fine. Also, please try not to use unnecessarily/potential offensive/abrasive comments on these boards.

And I'm not an expert so maybe someone else would have some comments...

[ 11-02-2006, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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dailicious
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Hey, iheartdc? Just to be sure you cover all abses and not risk offending anyone, it's usually a good idea to not comment about not believing a person cna be one thing or another, because only YOU can decide what you believe and feel, you can't decide or judge that for anyone else. It would be similar to someone saying, "I don't believe there's such a thing as a true Christian." - it's a larger demographic I'm singling out with that example, but you could probably see how much that could offend some people. So, by saying that you don't believe that there's such a thing as an asexual person, you're really sort of throwing sand in the face of those who really DO themselves identify as asexual and who really DON'T feel any sort of pleasure or interest in sex. Yes, it's your opinion, but you're still making a judgment on the validity of their beliefs, make sense?

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Jean
aka dailicious
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000
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well, one thing I certainly do believe is that sexuality, while different for every person, has a measure of fluidity for every person. Life experience and science have supported that for me every step of the way. I also think that believing sexuality is fluid ultimately leads to less anxiety, negative feelings, and discrimination than believing everyone has to fit into little boxes. Someone who is not attracted to a person should not be having sex with that person. Just b/c you're currently not attracted to anyone doesn't mean you must be asexual. So, I'm afraid I, personally, have to stand by my above beliefs.

I think I basically was responding because I sensed a lot of negativity in asex's comments. She was not just expressing that she felt she wasn't attracted to people, but she was expressing some negativity about sex in general. In another post she indicated a belief that people who were having sex they didn't want were "asexual". That to me signals the possibility of more thoughts/emotions going on for asex than simply not being attracted to people.

[ 11-02-2006, 08:29 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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dailicious
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It's definitely good to have your beliefs about sex and sexuality, and I definite agree that sex is and can be a very fluid thing for most people, and I'm not at all trying to keep you from understanding WHY any certain person may feel negatively about a certain issue, and in understanding or clarifying their own definitions for things, that's fine, and is part of communicating in order to gain more knowledge - that's all fine.

I'm just trying to point out that we really want to avoid blanket and personal/beliefe-challenging statements, such as the example I used, again because we need to offer a space for anyone to come where they're not going to feel judged, unwelcome or personally attacked, even if that wasn't the intent. Cool? [Smile]

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Jean
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echomikeromeo
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Addressing iheartfalloutboy's initial comments, I know what you mean. The "what is this love thing, anyway?" question is one that I've often wondered myself. I think kids often tend to confuse lust and love - you don't need to love someone to find them sexually attractive and to want to have sex with them, but perhaps because the characters in movies and books who do have sex with each other frequently profess their love for each other, we tend to associate the two.

My friend has been going out with a girl for a few weeks, and she told him that she loves him. His response (though not to her face) was, "isn't it a little soon?" This may be the response of other kids when faced with this whole "I love you" thing, and I'd have to agree. But then again, I think there are some romantic couples - particularly, though not limited to, adults - with whom the whole love thing exists, in addition to a sexual component.

In short, though I don't know how easy it is to define "love", I'd say that a lot of kids you see around a high school probably aren't in love, though there could just as easily be a few that are - though that's just my opinion, and anyone else's opinion concerning what constitutes love is bound to differ, so perhaps it's a little more difficult to say.

[ 11-12-2006, 11:16 PM: Message edited by: echomikeromeo ]

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