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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » blow

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Author Topic: blow
likewhoa19
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Okay, so similar topics were posted in the past. But I'm starting one up again with a few specific questions. As someone who has always found blowjobs a turnoff (not that I've tried much), I cannot understand why they are such a turn-on for guys and some girls? Especially for guys who ask for them, no matter how subtly, I cannot fathom but that there is some element of power there that turns them on. But then again, I guess any combination of things you can do with your body is natural. I certainly have much less problem with the idea of giving head to a woman (me or someone else doing it). Is the reason bjs have such a negative connotation sometimes you think primarily because they're physically uncomfortable for the giver, or is it mostly cultural? (eg they were originally only done by prostitutes in europe and they've become often expected from women in hetero relationships, and therefore the sovereignty that comes with being a spontaneous giver is sort of taken away...)

[ 04-15-2006, 08:58 AM: Message edited by: likewhoa19 ]

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Heather
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I think you're assuming giving cunninlingus is FAR more "comfortable" than it is, and love to engage in it with a partner as you might, have never woken up with a SERIOUSLY stiff jaw from that particularly activity. [Razz]

No, you're not going to choke on a vulva, but if the man on the receptive end of fellatio isn't thrusting his penis into your throat, one shouldn't be choking on a penis, either.

For either, you might deal with neck strain, with awkward positioning, with your jaw or mouth feeling sore (and depending on the position and intensity of cunnilingus, sometimes might even have trouble breathing), the works. Really, no more pros and cons than with any other type of sex.

I'm certain it's inaccurate to say that fellatio originated with prostitutes in Europe. In ancient eastern texts on sex, for instance, there are references to oral sex for both genders, and it's such an obious thing for people to do, I don't imagine that thousands and thousands of years ago, people didn't figure it out all by themselves. Heck, some animals engage in oral sex play, so.

Might there be a power element involved? Of course. And for some people, is that absolutely part of or all of the appeal? Again, a big yes on that. And again, that'd be possible and common enough for all genders, but under patriarchy, it of course carries a different weight when it comes to fellatio with male/female partners.

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Heather
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(Umm, that particular emoticon was really not intended to look that inappropriate in context.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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likewhoa19
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oh, i didn't mean to imply that it wasn't done other times and places than prostitutes in europe. I'm sure it was. (Actually, I read about a culture in Africa where traditionally men are taught to please women, and women to please men, by their elders, before marriage. (and if you ask me, that isn't a bad idea at all)) I just mean that in western culture I know that the Church had a ban on oral sex for awhile and that somehow in europe french women and prostitutes in particular were known to do it.

And funny you mention animals. I used to want to study animal behavior, and I spent a couple of years observing gorillas and chimpanzees at the zoo, which for me at least was enough to dispel pretty much any heterosexist or naturally sex-is-only-for-procreation attitudes I had been exposed to.

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likewhoa19
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And I really don't have a problem with at least the IDEA of many other forms of powerplay in sex -BDSM comes to mind (hey, it's college in MA, what can you say?). Maybe it's because the vast majority of my exposure to bjs since I was about 13 have been in degrading and/or itemized contexts. I'm sure it doesn't help that I had one friend last year who got into an abusive relationship with a guy who gagged her, and after I finally convinced her to leave the relationship he came by ''just to hangout'' and she let him and he wound up assaulting her, but my aversion started long before that. Maybe it's also the fact I've never liked pointy objects near my face -lol

[ 04-15-2006, 05:51 PM: Message edited by: likewhoa19 ]

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Heather
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Well, there's no sense in not being frank.

We all know full well, from rape and domestic abuse statistics that plenty of men -- specifically, as even with male victims, perps are usually (not always, but overwhelimingly) male -- use their penises as weapons.

But they can do so, when they do so, with any number of sexual activities. They can also sexually abuse, assault or misuse their partners just as easily with hands or fingers, even their own mouths. And just as many men, if not more, can NOT do any of those things. Just as many men can engage in fellatio with a female partner and not gag her, come at her throat like a battering ram, see fellatio as an obligation, or even be the ones to initiate fellatio most.

(I also think -- and this is complex, so sorry to simplify it for the sake of time -- that there are plenty of people, men and women performing fellatio alike, who DO consent to powerplay with fellatio, that is primarily or totally about that, without acknowledging that's what it is. Not saying, at all, that was the case with your friend, for the record: your friend was pretty clearly sexually assaulted twice.)

So, the problem isn't with the activity, per se, but how some people use and abuse it, and how, I think, some certain level of it being abused, misused or -- for lack of a better word -- obligatory, etc. is fetishized.

But again, we can say that with heterosexual intercourse JUST as much. I think that at younger ages, one sees it a little more with fellatio rather than intercourse because younger men are often a lot more freaked out by both pregnancy risks and vaginas than their elder counterparts can be.

[ 04-15-2006, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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PenguinBoy
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I think the actual fellatio (new word for me [Big Grin] , thanks miz [Smile] ) isn't as important as the feeling behind it.

I remember I used to say i'd never let a girl do such a thing. As though getting her to do one way sexual service for me would reduce her from this thing of beauty above myself and taint her to something lower than she should be (exuse pun). In my head it was always selfish, something i never wanted to be, only thing i cared about was the girl. And i thought she need serve no-one.

But then when i had a girlfriend, one evening we were kissing and whispering and she undid my trousers. She was so gentle and sensual, and there was so much passion and intensity between us, that instead of stopping her, as i had said to myself i would, i just froze and bearly moved except to hold her hand, i couldn't bring myself to stop the moment. i'm sure you can guess the rest. But right then it was nothing like the selfish, pornographic things i had imagined, it was like a loving gift. It was actually romantic.

And it can be allot else apart from domination. I hardly ever felt a better feeling that someone wanting me to have pleasure. and knowing that THAT would actually make someone else happy.

It can be romantic.

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lizenny
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Here's where I jump on the opportunity for some cultural jabbering! [Big Grin]

I think where the connotation comes from really depends on the circumstances. Here's an example of a cultural issue being the root of some of the negativity.

In the Bahamas where I lived most of my life there is an extreme stigma attached to people known or rumored to have performed fellatio. I've never heard anyone really discuss it in depth there but from what I've seen and heard it's most obviously a power issue. In Bahamian culture (especially now for a number of complex reasons) women are expected to have control over the behavior of their male partners. (Don't crack a grin yet. I'm going to tell you why that sucks.) This means that it is seen as a woman's responsibility to police all aspects of a man's behavior and especially to keep him from straying. Therefore it is seen as the woman's fault if a man is unfaithful or even makes any wrong choice that was pretty much unrelated to their relationship. This places undue pressure on women and relieves men of social consequences but also reduces them to the status of wayward kids. With this kind of social construct, going down on a guy is perceived to be a sign of weakness and lack of control and an overly desperate attempt to keep a man around.

As for the emoticon Miz S...nice save! (I admit my head went right where it shouldn't have for a second. (no pun intended...no really I mean it)

[ 04-17-2006, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: lizenny ]

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kitka
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I think some people are uncomfortable with fellatio (and cunnilingus) because genitalia have been largely described/condemned as "dirty" in American culture (and other societies as well).

Besides the domination factor, some men like fellatio because it feels good. (Tongues are dexterous.) For others, it's an opportunity for them to trust their partner in a way that's different from intercourse. (Teeth can do damage.) Or they might feel that their partner is accepting their body even more openly than with intercourse.

I used to have a similar aversion to fellatio myself - for reasons of perceived domination, cleanliness, my naturally sensitive gag reflex, and because I was clueless on how it was done. Once I was in a secure relationship with a guy I trusted, I didn't mind trying it out, and enjoyed doing it for my partner. It helped that he didn't have any expectations about what I might or might not do (other than that I not bite him) and he let me know that up front.

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