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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Not a game of right or wrong

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Author Topic: Not a game of right or wrong
Member # 23505

Icon 11 posted      Profile for kaitjarbeau     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I suppose I will cut to the details. I am 16 and my boyfriend is 23. While out of context this would raise just about anybody's eyebrows, it's a legitimately loving, compassionate, and committed relationship. "B" and I met eat other through out common love of performing arts (as in mimes and living statues and the like).

We spent quite a bit of time together in relative terms to the free time we both had on weekend for most of this past winter and spring. It's been quite lovely. My parents even let him sleep over after a concert once, and "letting boys sleep over" and my parents in the same phrase is like saying "the Pope likes gay people". It just doesn't happen, and they were fine with our friendship for a while.

A little over a month ago, however, they asked for the first time about his age. I had not brought it up because I wasn't sure how to present it to them, knowing their obvious reactions as my parents.

"Well, he's 23."

My father has met him several times, but my mother never has, and immediately she gave me lectures about "he doesn't give a **** about you" and "where's your moral compass?" and "you sleep around", "you're easy", etc. B was very hurt by these comments as well, and he asked to maybe sit down one evening and talk with my parents, not with the intention of changing their minds, but more to help them understand that it was not a case of an "older guy finding ways to get his rocks off" and that I am not just a naive, idealistic and hormonal teenage girl.

True love is so often mistake for foolishness on the girl's part...

The idea would be that I would also be present, as well as my therapist, who is also my neighbor, and my mother's best friend for 30 years. This woman, Pam, is amazing and would be a perfect moderator to make sure it doesn't turn into high drama, because I have told her everything about B since day 1 and "I have a date this Saturday with this great guy I can't wait!"

Right now we are banned from seeing each other. Yes, we are physically imtimate, which I fully understand is the main reason this is all so concerning. However, my mother, being my mother, yells at me all the time that I'm easy and cheap and I sleep around because she doesn't believe I am ready for any sex. I told her that when I did lose my virginity, which was with my last boyfriend, I felt 100% ready and that I have no emotional regrets. I'm the youngest and only girl, so my mother's only comparison is herself, and she was a painfully shy teenager. So obviously 16 and sex are unfathomable for her.

She does not want to talk with B in any setting. She is a very controling and stubborn person, and she views attempts at understanding or compromise as trying to trick her or make her change her mind.

I guess that should be enough for a context.

I know pictures are discouraged, but I'm feeling rather sentimental writing all this. I miss him very much... We're not allowed to talk except via instant messaging, which is really no substitue for interaction...

I guess I'm asking for ideas and advice. I am not trying to play a game of right and wrong with my parents. I do not view them as an enemy in this situation. They have a very good point, I do, however, feel like B and I do as well. I simply have never connected well with people my own age. The 18 and 19 year old boys I have gone out with (which is about the age limit my parents have non-verbally set their confort level at), they just seem at a different place emotionally. They're more insecure, less articulate, they're... well, they're 18 and 19 year old boys. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but the relations in any form lead to the dissapointing realization that they just do not view the relationship on the same level as I tend to...

B is just at the same place as me. I feel like though we come from different molds, we are from the same lump of clay. Though we are not allowed to see each other now, we are committed to the relationship. We're in love, and it's not very healthy to pick flower buds the very moments they are ready to blossom in full. I feel cheated out of a very special developement point in the relationship by this. Note that does not mean I feel like I want "revenge" or anything...

I guess I'm just looking for advice and ideas. How to make this better for my parents. Because the relationship isn't going to vanish! *sigh*


Posts: 10 | From: Acton, MA | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 19806

Icon 7 posted      Profile for ladystardust     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The first thing that concerns me with relationships between, for example, 16 and 23 year olds is the legal aspect. Sexual activity between you and your boyfriend may be considered statutory rape. (In case you didn't know, that is when an adult has sex with a minor, even if the minor is consenting. The adult can go to jail, be registered as a sex offender, etc. Not pretty.)

I tried to look up Age of Consent and Statutory Rape Laws in Massachusetts, but I didn't find anything except that it is illegal for a 16 or 17 year old virgin to have sex with someone over 18. Doesn't sound like it applies to you, but it's a stupid law I thought I'd point out.

Anyway, I'd encourage you to verify the law in your area, because I'm sure you don't want your boyfriend to go to jail. Also, (you'll hate me for this comment), I want you to consider WHY states would have such laws. I don't like them myself, but
it's not always just because of conservative legislators. It's out of concern for young people who ARE more easily seduced. I'm not you and I don't know your boyfriend, but just remember that you are young and don't know everything yet. 7 years is a pretty big age difference when it's almost half your life and almost a third of his.

Up to this point, I've probably only reiterated what you already know, but I felt it was important to post for anyone else who doesn't. As to the problem between you and your mother, I wish I could help, but I'm still pretty young and don't know how. All I have to say is that parents have a lot of trouble with their children growing up. For your mom, it was just yesterday that you were 3 years old and thought she was God. The only suggestion I can make is to spend time communicating with your mom, showing her you understand how hard it is for her and that you've considered everything I've mentioned so far. Hopefully, your mom will recognize you've grown and can think for yourself. Until then, I wouldn't recommend doing anything which would make her consider you immature, such as going behind her back to be with your boyfriend. That's just my suggestion though.

I think I'm done lecturing you now. Sorry about that.

Posts: 39 | From: Michigan, USA | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 23364

Icon 10 posted      Profile for RUDeelite08     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
When I was 17 I was hooking up with a guy I considered my best friend he was 23...
now i am 19 and he is still my best friend unlike your relationship it was only to hook up not anything serious..
my parents met him fell in love with him and to this day frequently ask him to come over and visit...
as lady said there are laws against this and she has state them well enough that i have no need to repeat them...all i can say is that this talk you are planning sounds like the best idea...if that doesnt go well and if you two are truly meant to be together then he won't mind waiting out the two years until you are 18...good luck

*Contraceptives should be used at every conceivable occassion*

Posts: 37 | From: Spotswood.NJ.USA | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 23505

Icon 10 posted      Profile for kaitjarbeau     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, the hard part is being banned from seeing each other. We've talked (him and I), and we said "You know, not having sex for a while is really hard and physically frustrating... but that's really the reason [mom and dad] are so upset. I/we wish we were at least allowed to see one another. That's the really painful part."

I've done a bit of research in Statutory Rape laws in MA before because I when I was 15 I dated an 17 year old, and we gave our virginity to each other.

But I'm wondering about that rather odd law, that a 16 or 17 year old -virgin- is not allowed legally with someone over 18? I wonder if that means that I, being that age and not a virgin, if that means the law is a little different? Because I guess being a virgin or not must factor into it somehow, being laws about sex and all...

Hmm... Yeah, B and I really don't want to "sneak around", since it would only make things worse. It's rough though.

Thanks for the feedback so far, I'll have to go dig up the laws somewhere.

Posts: 10 | From: Acton, MA | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 23505

Icon 10 posted      Profile for kaitjarbeau     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
**edit: I did the research because he was turning 18 soon, and I didn't think it would really matter because my parents adored him and he wasn't really at risk to get into any trouble, but I was curious.

Still, I haven't been able to find much, which is strange... Hm...

Posts: 10 | From: Acton, MA | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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