In all honesty, as far as the morality of the situation, your friend is correct. There is no real difference (besides the fact that you now have a partner in an immoral act).
Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2005
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maglight, while your opinion is a valid one for your personal beliefs, also remember that there are others of us on the site who have morals and ethics that find nothing wrong with masturbation or pornography.
Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005
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How can you find nothing wrong with either of them? What is the basis for your moral thinking? Are your morals simply a product of the American Media? I can see no good that comes from pornography. It treats human beings as sexual idols and dehumanizes them, it also fuels an addiciton to such practices.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2005
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No, my personal ethics are not based on American Media. If anything, American Media sends mixed messages about what is good or bad. Remember, there is still a great tabboo placed on both masturbation and pornography.
I was raised to believe that human sexuality was a natural and wonderful thing. That, when done safely, it is a completely healthy and amazing act. I was raised to believe it is healthy to understand your own body and to love your own body. These are MY ethics.
While I disagree with some forms of pornography, it isn't just because it is sexual in nature. Pornography hardly dehumanizes those involved. Sex is a human act, sexuality is in human nature. Pornography is not just big-breasted women and men with giant penises, there are many forms of pornography that involve married couples expressing their love for one another and thier bodies, for one example.
It's fine if YOU do not wish to masturbate or watch pornography, that is YOUR decision. I understand that it is your right and your choice to hold these morals about these topics.
But you can hardly condem others who find nothing morally or ethically wrong with masturbation or pornography just because you do not feel the same way.
And you have been addressed about this in anothet topic but I'll reapte it here: in and of itself, there is nothing addicitve about pronography or masturbation.
i think masturbation is normal, i do it too, but my boyfriend is addicted to pornography, and it hurts to know that even though we are sexually active, if he is alone, he would prefer to look at women he doesn't know to get off rather than respect me and either not look at images when he is masturbating, or not do it at all. very painful situation, actually.
question for any ex-porn addicts: is it easier to quit if you are not in a sexual relationship? what are some tips for quitting that i could pass on? he is already moving his computer out of his room, at my suggestion: i think he wants honestly to quit so thatwe can be togeather.
_correction: MENTALLY addicted
[This message has been edited by katiesan (edited 08-16-2005).]
You know, this is complicated, and let me try and explain why.
For starters, it may be that your parner simply has compulsive behaviour, period, and porn is one place it plays out. If that's the case, if it's not porn, it's just going to be something else, so he's going to want to see a counselor to address complusive behaviour, period.
The other/alternate issue is this: how any of us is sexually aroused, what we're aroused by, tends to develop in our pretty formative years. So, if we started with porn as arousal, dropping it entirely is going to be damn tricky as we can only rewire our brains so much in this regard. (Of course, do consider that probably ALL of us use at least SOMETHING as porn, as by defintion, any media that stimulates us sexually is, effectively, pornography. Even, say, looking at a photo of YOU to become stimulated would literally be pornography.)
Your best bet? Why not really take the time to evaluate what the problem is with what SPECIFIC pornography it is he's using as far as HE is concerned, and as far as YOU are concerned. For instance, his issue may be that he feels unable to control himself, or that it's upsetting you. Yours may be that he's sexualy aroused by anyone who isn't you (and if it is, you'll need to get over that, anyway, because that's human nature: we're all aroused by more than one person in the world) or that the type of porn he's using is, for whatever reason, particularly hurtful or offensive to you. Talk this stuff out so both of you can really figure out what the root problem for you both is: that way, you are much more likely to find an effecive solution/compromise.
But do know that to some degree, someone who developed sexual habits with pornography is unlikely to be able to completely be rid of them (especially in our culture, when porn floats by on busses), and that trying to find a middle ground -- maybe that he doesn't hsare it with you, or that he does, maybe that he ditches some of what is MOST offensive to you and keeps the stuff that isn't that big of a deal, etc. -- is likely your best bet, especially since guilt or shame actually tends to STRENGTHEN the appeal, not decrease it.
And do bear in mind that sexual fantasy IS fantasy. While plenty of partners might masturbate to ideas or memories or images of their partners, those same people also are likely to incorporate other images and ideas in their heads of other people, and you can't make that go away: it's normal. And even without pieces of paper or websites, those images or ideas or other fantasy partners are likely to be in their/your/our heads. Having a monogamous partner isn't about owning every bit of emotional or sexual real estate in their imagination or brains: it's about them choosing to be with you, only, in person in bed.
It depresses me to see people getting upset over something they probably did all the time when they were little.
No matter who you are, you have, at some point in your life, masturbated, and you will see that you have not been struck down by an above force and you are not a horrible person. So if it hasn't caused any harm in infancy, why would it be harmful now.As far as addiction goes, I believe that is meerly (as mentioned before) a form of compulsivness that happens to be expressed sexually.
I don't know about anyone else, but for me: masturbation=horny. That's it. I'm not thinking of others(most likely, as I have the right to think of anyone I dang well please), I'm not making up for my boyfriend's "lack" of talent, it just feels good. Heck, when he's around, he either helps or watches. The same goes for him.
Also, I have been told several times that self-pleasure is unnatural and evil. Every time, I tell the person that I see my dog lick his nuts about a dozen times a day. All animals, including humans, do it. Therefore, it's natural. I believe animals (excluding humans) are incapable of evil on their own, so it also can't be evil.
I am proud to say I have never been told masturbation is evil by anyone more than once. :-D
Okay, I'm done ranting. *picks up her soap box and wanders off*
my bf doesnt masturbate anymore, and omg i wish he would. i have less of a sexual appetite that he does but he claims he feels nothing when masturbating now and will seem so upset if i say im not in the mood i end up caving in and then we have "talks" about his need to masturbate. love me boyfriend, dont love sex 8 times a week.
Posts: 22 | From: miss, on, canada | Registered: Aug 2005
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You're not responsible for your partner's sexual gratification, nor is it your job to fulfill all of their sexual appetite. And having sex when you don't want to be having it tends to have really detrimental effects on a person and their relationships (in fact, in another post, you've already reported feeling sexual overload).
It's your partner's job and responsibiility to work out managing his libido and making it work with yours: so if the sex you're havng feels too frequent for your desire and comfort, you need to talk about that and strike a compromise.
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