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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Threesome?

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Author Topic: Threesome?
Member # 17190

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OK, so I wasn't sure where to post this so I decided to stick it here because it does seem to involve a lot of ethics.

Starting a month or so ago, I started becoming really attracted to my roommate. I know it'll never work because he's gay. The thing is, so am I, or so I thought.

The short version is that my freshman year of highschool, a friend of mine outted me to someone as gay before I even gave myself the label, and after she told me, I started thinking more about women than men. And part of me felt that I had a lot to prove about homosexuality, I still do to some degree. So i just took the label and have been pretty content with it.

I did sort of go with this one guy back in highschool, but the fact that I had taken the label of gay bothered me, but I think I may be getting around that and I would like to experiment. I did once, a little with the same guy I just mentioned and it felt ridiculous, but it could still have been my label mindset and the situation and all.

OK, so moving more towards the ethics portion.... I think I'm getting a lot more open to the idea of me being bi. And I am really curious about heterosexual sex, but I don't want to lead some guy on or just go after casual sex with someone I don't know. The only guy I know and trust and know I'm attracted to who is straight is the guy from highschool. The thing is, he's engaged. He's talked to his fiancee about a threesome and he said she may be willing after we meet, and he said that if she wasn't willing, she could just watch....

I really don't know what to make of this, and I keep thinking of how many ways this could go wrong. And it's incredibly hard to set up an initial meeting and then leave time to think things over after a talk because I'm in college in a different city while this guy is working back in our hometown.

To top it all off, there's always been a very intense attraction between this guy and me. The last time we saw each other, I know we could have had sex. The sexual tension was so thick, it could have been spread on toast, but I didn't say anything because he's engaged.

Bottom line, I don't want to hurt their relationship, but if I went through with this, I'm not sure how possible that is. Is it possible?

Posts: 198 | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Is there a reason why you haven't simply considered waiting to be involved with a man until there IS an available one, who is bisexual or heterosexual, who is not already coupled and engaged, when there isn't an unknown party you may also be having sex with sight unseen or who may be in the room, and who you're also attracted to overall, no less?

Because here's the thing: having sex with more than one person involves communication and negotiation BETWEEN ALL of those people. Not just two of them, and another by proxy.

So howabout you let this go until you ever do meet this women, when you can talk to HER, if you still have that interest at all.

Thing is, this elaborate -- and likely problematic, for everyone from what I can see -- a setup to sate your curiosity and nothing more (and what's HIS agenda?) strikes me as foolhardy, and sounds like your intuitive mind is already letting you in on that.

Plus, what's finding out what sex is like with an engaged man going to do for you anyway? Even if you enjoyed it, enjoying sex with him doesn't mean you'll enjoy (or not) sex with any man, not is sex with this person capital H heteropsexual sex that will be the same with any man you'd sleep with. It just doesn't work that way.

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 18614

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I'm a girl who **has sex with** boys, even though I'm quite interested in girls as well. Once the idea came up of a threesome with a friend of mine and her boy. I decided that a threesome is a really bad way to do something as new as a woman ebcause I wouldn't be able to concentrate properly on what was going on if there were two people. Three is quite an akward number to be working with, and unless I was very comfortable with both people I think it would be akward anyways, let alone to be learning so much.

If you're anything like me, a one-on-one session is probably more what you're looking for. You can take your time and talk everything through.

BTW, you might find the Queer by Choice ideas quite interesting:


**Edit for the sake of filtering software. It's nothing personal.**

[This message has been edited by Milke (edited 06-19-2004).]

Posts: 4 | From: Glasgow, Scotland | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 226

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Hey there Gwen, I just wanted to throw some support for that site into the fray. I've only taken a quick glance at the thing, but there are some ideas there that I've more or less expressed here...

I think that pushing the 'gay gene' theory only makes queers weaker. It's saying 'oh, well, we can't help it if we're queer.', when what we should be saying is 'Yeah, we're queer, and who really cares if it's something that's genetic, or something we chose. It's nobodies business but our own.'

I'm glad to see I'm not alone.

"Like a bat out of hell, time has come for you!"
-Ballad of a Comeback Kid, The New Pornographers

Posts: 1515 | From: Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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