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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Friend is risky, what to do?

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Author Topic: Friend is risky, what to do?
Member # 10605

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Not really sure what I should do here, but I must admit I'm pretty pissed with the guy for this. OK, long story short:

A friend of mine got into a brief affair with a girl, the first time of which he didn't use a condom. This was a really screwed up wituation for a number of reasons (some I'll mention to), half because they were making out on the couch and when I left to get sodas and by the time I came back, they were in the middle and barely dressed only because I knocked before coming in.

Anyway, as they were talking right in front of me to each other, I overheard some of the details that made an already risky situation get even worse.. A) She's pregnant by 3 months by her fiance, B) She's cheated on her fiancee in the last 2 years *15* times, making him number *16*, and C) Her fiance has cheated on her with at least 10 girls and just as many guys in the past period, as well, making the whole thing a revenge thing.

I'd put that into the extreme high-risk category, espessialy since she was doing -everything- with this guy within 2 hours of meeting him and one phone call setting up meeting (By the 2nd movie she came over to watch, she was doing things I won't detail here under a blanket) and.. well. Basically, I think high-risk is an understatement, and her number is probably even higher than that. Of course she "used protection with the other guys" he claimed later, but I somehow doubt that. At the least she's not using protection with her fiance, obviously, and he's certinally getting around too.

Now, my question after venting all that incredibly screwed up situation I'm sure a few of you are going "Eww!" by: Their thing is over after 3 dates, all of which ended up the same way apparently. Her reason for quitting was she is getting married this month. But now, he's looking to date other people, and he's "too lazy" to get around to get tested - on TOP of that, last time he was "too lazy" to get around to buy Condoms in the first place, and he doesn't carry them around on him, so if something ever happened again, I doubt he'd have them with him and would probably just do it because, as he puts it, he likes to be stupid sometimes.

Stupid with himself is one thing.. with others? Most girls (And I know this is wrong) might be tricked by the fact he'd say his number is only 2 people, which is true, but how these diseases go, I know that they might as well be with not only the 30+ people that girl and her fiance slept with, but all the people in that chain that THEY are sleeping (or other things) with, too.

I realize that this comes down to girls supposed to hve common sense to require protection, ask about testing, etc. - but I also realize that's a fantasy world for most. (Those that are here may be better educated; let this situation right here be a warning as to WHY you should be careful!).. anyway, what I'm asking is should - if all my harping goes south - I warn any girls he might go out with? I know it might be none of my business, but at this point, until he's tested, I think it's almost more akin to stopping somebody from pointing a gun at another person and pulling the trigger with no idea if it's loaded or not.

He's starting to flirt heavily with one girl he's working with and is going to ask her out - while I doubt she's nearly as bad, if things go well I don't want to see someone getting iced over wrecklessness. :/ Any thoughts?

Posts: 8 | From: Moravia, New York | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 1386

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Ultimately, here is nothing you can do to stop people from indulging in risky, self-distructive behavior. You can offer good advice and provide support when requested but you can't force a person to change his/her way of doing things.

You're not a part of the constabulary and no crime has been committed, just a lot of bad choices. And you can't play protector warning people of another's questionable sexual history. It is up to prospective partners to ascertain this.

This is a problem advocats at Scarleteen have. We can advocate and advise safer, more knowledgeable sexual behavior. But, ultimately, it is up to the individual to accept or reject advice.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

- Albert Einstein

[This message has been edited by Bobolink (edited 11-30-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Bobolink (edited 11-30-2002).]

Posts: 3442 | From: Stirling, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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To be honest -- and bear in mind this is my opinion -- I don't see it as a breach or an error to inform potential lovers of someone you know has a serious history of stupid, high-risk sexual beahviour. Who you warn still gets to make their choices accordingly regardless.

To boot, a lot of people who indulge in that sort of behavior also seem to (in my experience) make a habit of lying to new partners about it pretty intensely, stating things like, "Yeah, we don't have to use a condom, but I wouldn't do this with anyone but you," blah blah blah. So, I don't think passing on that information is any sort of an etiquette problem, unless you're not telling what you know to be the truth.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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