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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Co-Ed Sleepovers (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Co-Ed Sleepovers
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I watched a special on MSNBC on Teens & Co-Ed Sleepovers. I think this kinda goes with the topic of doing sexual things while your parents are home because that's what they were focusing on. Two parents on the show said that they think it's a really good thing because they know where their kids are, what they're doing, and exactly who they're with. Needless to say, they allow co-ed sleepovers. What do you think? Is it a set-up for teens to do sexual things that they may not be prepared for, or can we handle it?

"I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal"

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I think it depends on who exactly you're having this sleepover with. I mean, i don't think it's a very good idea if you're having your boyfriend and your friends and their boyfriends, heeh. But maybe if everyone is just friends.

I don't think that they're too big of a deal.

...Everybody knows what a store-bought sweater looks like. But man, when you see a home-knitter on the street, it's obvoius, you know?"
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Speaking as a teen who is basically banned from seeing all the members of the oppisite sex, and members of the same sex that identify as lesbian or bisexual outside of a *VERY* public place (with my mom around the corner spying on me), I think that it's great that some parents can have that kind of trusting relationship with their teens.

I've obviously never had one, or been to one, but I think I'd try to stay in my parents trust if I had it. So, if they trusted me enough to let me go to a coed sleepover then I wouldn't do anything I wouldn't want them to find out there.

And the parents who approve do have a point, you could have your kid in your home, where you can supervise them and know where they are, who they're with, and what they're doing. Or you could have them claiming to be at someone else's house and end up who knows where. In my experience, kids do what they want whether their parents agree or not, so isn't it better to have things like that in a place where you can supervise them?

My two cents on that...

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This really depends on the kids and the parents.

As we speak, i'm staying in Toronto at my moms house w/ my bf. We camp out in the living room in sleeping bags. He's allowed to stay here on one condition; There's no sex allowed in the house. None. Zip. Zilch. And i totally respect that and haven't broken the rules at all. And she would know if i had, b/c she's crazy (that mom-psychic thing, ya know?)

My dad is far more closed minded. He knows we're sexually active, but he's still not okay w/ my bf spending the nite w/ me. I don't think it's about the posibility of us having sex, it's just what other people would think of him as a father if he allowed it. Which really stinks, in my opinion.

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I don't see a problem with coed sleepovers, but I would suppose it really depends on the kids involved. I myself have been to several sleepovers at friends houses in which both guys and girls attended. There was nothing even remotely sexual about anything that occured. It was simply a bunch of good friends getting together to watch movies, talk, play games and fall asleep.
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I saw part of that show also but I think it's impossible to make a blanket statement about whether it's okay or not to have co-ed sleepovers. It depends on the people involved. Parents need to know their kids and their kids' friends to be able to make an informed decision about co-ed sleepovers.
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I've only been to one coed sleepover (my parents don't even know about it!), but it was really fun, and nothing even remotely sexual happened. Just a bunch of guys and girls hanging out, having fun. Granted, however, there weren't any couples there, so that may have been the reason for the lack of sexual activity. But anyways, I WISH my parents would let me have my boyfriend sleep over. We wouldn't have sex- if they were allowing him to sleep over, that would mean they trust me a great deal, and I wouldn't want to betray that trust right under their noses.

"Do what you will, always..
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Do as you please,
I'll back you up.." ~DMB

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Co-ed sleepovers really depend on who you invite and the relationships involved there. Last one I went to (which was less of a sleepover and more of a party after which everyone crashed in the same house), there was much bedhopping, but it was only to find compatible sleeping partners, not someone to jump. The only making out going on was a group of four girls, for their own entertainment and education. (Their words, not mine.)

Then again, my friends and I are just a hippie colony waiting to happen, so...

*When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -From "Basic Sex Facts
For Today's Youngfolk" in "Life In Hell'', by (Matt Groening)

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I think I saw the same episode that you did a long time ago. In one of the cases, the parents that didn't support co-ed sleepovers were cited this one sleepover where the guys have brought over some alcohol to which they all started consuming and one of the girls had to be taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. This, of course, left the girl's parents very upset. As usual, even though it was the girl's own choice, her parents still felt like it was everyone else's fault that their daughter ended up in the hospital and that it wouldn't have happened if there were only girls at the sleepover.

There isn't anything wrong with co-ed sleepovers in my opinion, but it also depends on how old the kids are and the circumstances. Like are the parents home the entire time? Some of the parents who do have co-ed sleepovers had the guys sleeping in one room and the girls sleeping in another with the parents checking in on them occassionally. Sure that may sound dorky to have your parents checking up on you during a sleepover, but I thnk it's more of a safety reason. Plus, if anything goes horribley wrong, then it's all on the parents since they are responsible for all the children in the house.

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As has been said, it depends on the person. I went to my first, and last co-ed sleepoever a few months ago.

It consisted of me, my girlfriend, one non-attached girl, and one other girl who used to go out with the only other guy present, who was just starting up a relationship with the final girl.

And yes, it did all end in tears. A little after the lights were off, I'm sure I could hear ...stuff going on. Eventually, after I'd gotten to sleep (I'm quite the insomniac), I was woken by some commotion.

The ex-girlfriend had noticed the other guy making out with this other girl, so she took a glass of water, and poured it over the pair of them.

Teenagers + hormones + sleepovers + glasses of water don't mix unless the teenagers are exceptionally good at controlling their hormones.

[This message has been edited by Daniel (edited 08-02-2001).]

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My mother and I watched that program together, and we both were totally blown away. I can't believe some parents do let their kids do that!

I mean, I have more male friends than female friends, and now that I'm *out* of high school and on my own things are a little different - I don't find crashing at one of their apartments, etc, out of the question. Especially if we've been up late and riding the el is dangerous 'cause we're tired and it's late.

But my parents would never, EVER have let me have or attend a co-ed sleepover while I lived at home, or let my boyfriend spend the night, whether or not we agreed that there would be no sex. It's just a strange situation for all involved, especially if kids are drinking or if other kids, not just me, do have sex: It would be under my parents' watch, and their responsibility.

Now, my boyfriend is coming into town Saturday, and my father's on a business trip and my mother's going to visit her parents - so I'll be at home alone. And she knows this. But we don't talk at all about my having sex (even though she knows I am, and she buys my birth control), and she hasn't forbidden him explicitly from coming over Saturday night, so I think he might.

But me in high school and even sleeping in the same room with a boy? My boyfriends weren't allowed to see what my room looked like. No way would I be allowed to sleep near them.

It's not a matter of morals, it's a matter of my parents not endorsing or really wanting to know about my sex life.

~lemming, Scarleteen Advocate

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[This message has been edited by lemming (edited 08-02-2001).]

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I have to confess that what always strikes me as funny about the co-ed sleepover fracas is that it assumes everyone is heterosexual.

Meanwhile, those of us who grew up homosexual or bisexual went to sleepovers for years in which there were a room full of people of a gender we might be sexually attracted to, and nobody thought twice about it. And I can't recall a sleepover in my childhood or adolescence that I had thoughts of turning into an orgy, just because there were girls in the room.

Honestly, my feeling is this: it's all in how you set it up, but gender sgregation rarely helps people learn how to make and hold limits and set boundaries and behave appropriately. If you have a co-ed sleepover, like any sleepover, and the rules are that it's not okay for anyone to be sexually angaged during them, then gender really isn't a factor.

Heather Corinna
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I always thought co-ed sleepovers were cool and I wish I could have had one. All I want is to spend the night with my bf and just sleep with him. I wanna know what it feels like to wake up in the arms of someone you love. I've never experienced that feeling before. I once told my bf that I wish that guys weren't so sexually charged cuz then I prolly could have spent the night with him a long time ago. I mean, people can have sex anytime they want. I can have sex in 15 minutes in the backseat of my car if I wanted to, but that doesn't mean I'm going to. Why should it be expected of us to have sex at a sleepover when we're capable of having sex at anytime and place?


"I said I'll thank you, we'll always thank you, more than you will know, than I could ever show, and I love you, we'll always love you, there's nothing I won't do, to say these words to you. That you're beautiful forever."

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i think it really does depend on the "kids" involved....but also on the parents who are supervising the event. there were many co-ed sleepovers at my house when i was in high school - many of them b/c me and my brother both happened to have people staying over on the same nights (we had several friends in common), and at least one which was due to an ice storm during what was sposed to be a christmas party - no one wanted to drive home, and no one's parents complained about them staying put. one of the purpousful ones - a going away party for my friends dan and jacqui who were moving to ireland - was interesting in that two of the guests parents said "only cause it;s at the insert-my-last-name-here house, her dad won't let anything happen." my father was extrordinarly good at catching anyone who was up to anything in his house, and getting him angry was just never worth it (grounded for a month sucks). the weird part is that although my father was fine with it under his roof, he NEVER in a million years would have let me or my brother attend a co-ed sleepover at someone elses house.

"-and i hope i'm not shooting my mouth off...again...and i pray i'm not tempting the fates....."
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I've been to a co-ed sleepover, but it was with my cross country team, who are generally good kids (i.e. no drinking, smoking, etc.). It was more of an unsupervised camp out but not a lot of sexual things went on. I mean there was one couple who I didn't see most of the night, but I'm sure they would have been together that night anyway sleepover or no sleepover. I spent most of the night talking with a guy, nothing happened, I just got to know people better. But, like everyone else has said I'm sure there are some teens that really can't be left alone unsupervised and a sleepover would just be bad news.
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I think there's something weird about the term "sleepover" unless we're actually talking about more than two people.

When I was a teen, I would regularly stay at my boyfriend's house, and he occassionaly stayed at mine (it was over-run with sisters everywhere, plus he had a double bed and I did not. Lucky dog.)

I think both of our parents' reasoning was safety. We were having sex and were unlikely to stop; we lived in New York City and it's not the safest place in the world; ergo, it was better to give us privacy in the safety of our own homes.

Although my DH is probably not going to feel this way about *our* children, I *will* persuade him. It's their home, and there's nothing they can do outside of it they can't be doing inside way more safely.

Just my tuppence worth

Hope this helps,

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I don't think there's neccesarily anything wrong with co-ed sleepovers. I think it needs to be up to the participants of the sleepover to make a collective group decision as to whether or not everyone is comfortable with the presence of sexual activity. I've been to many co-ed sleepovers, most of which were completely non-sexual, one of which did turn into group sex. Both kinds were fine, because the sexual one was arranged so that all the people having sex were in one room, and all the people not having sex were in another room. Co-ed sleepovers can also easily stay platonic if that's what everyone wants. On the other hand, I've had hundreds of all girl sleepovers, and only one of them turned sexual. I think sex tends to happen when there are no parents present. I certainly wouldn't want my parents to be in the house and know I was having sex.

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Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
I have to confess that what always strikes me as funny about the co-ed sleepover fracas is that it assumes everyone is heterosexual.

Truly. My mom got really freaked out wrt this when I told her I was bi. She started going on about how now I couldn't have any sleepovers, blah blah blah, because she was worried I might have SEX! (horrors) with someone.

I see the same things with my friends. It's especially amusing when they *know* and still let same-sex sleepovers happen and not opposite-sex sleepovers. elpoep ylliS, they are.

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momma cat
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What's really funny is parents who think they can prevent their child from having sex by banning co-ed sleepovers. People who want to have sex will do it. I'm dissapointed at my mom for not letting my sister go to her boyfriends all-night birthday party...she honestly thinks that they'll have sex with a room full of people watching! And she thinks that they won't have sex so long as she prohibits my sister from attending this party! Her and her boyfriend have their own vehicles and enough time and money to get a hotel room every other day, or drive someplace deserted and have fun in his truck bed, and there are many places around here to do that!

And Iluvpunkguys, I totally agree with you. I have wanted for so many years to know what it's like to wake up in the arms of someone who loves me, and that is all I ever would have done at a co-ed sleepover if I had ever been to one, but I had never even heard of such a thing until I was in college!

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I agree with Miz Scarlet. Who's to say everyone at an all-female or all-male sleepover is straight? Who's to say that even if they are straight, they wouldn't explore?
Then again, with all those people watching, sex isn't the first thing I'd be doing.
My mom is fine with me and Sheccie spending the night at each other's houses, even though she knows about 'us' (we're both female.) However, Sheccie's mother would probably have a problem with it, even if we never tell her about it.
'No co-ed sleepovers' assumes everyone's straight, and that non-co-ed sleepovers will be free from experimentation and non-straight people.

"Pope John Paul today confirmed his opposition to gay marriages. Said that they are unnatural. Gay marriages are unnatural. Then he put on a pointy hat, his dress, and returned to never having sex at all." -- Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect

[This message has been edited by Shenzie2007 (edited 07-29-2002).]

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It depends on who all is there and how trustworthy they are.

If your parents are okay with it, I don't see anything wrong with it. I would hate, though, if I asked my Dad and he wouldn't let me because I would feel as if he didn't trust me and just being worried about what he thought of me.

I think they could definitely be a fun thing to do.

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Co-ed sleepovers? Sounds like a great time to me. Could be a lot of fun. Besides, what better way to have an all night party or gaming session in my case, and not have to worry about curfews, driving home, etc....

I'm sure SOME people might take the opportunity to have sex or something, but that doesn't mean every group of kids is like that.

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I think that If your Parents Let you Have them, it shows how much they trust you. and I honestly Wouldnt Want To break their Trust If they let me. And If they let My Boyfriend Sleep over, I would Love that, Not cuz the sex, But For the Fact that they Trust me and That i could fall asleep In his Arms. ::sigh::

When You think your life Is Horrible, ask Me about Mine... It will change your Mind.


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i think co-ed sleepovers are perfectly fine...

i'm less likely to do stuff with a bf at a co-ed sleepover than hanging out sumwhere else... i mean... my friends are around... thats icky... i'd find a way or place to do sexual activities if i wanted to... co-ed sleepover isnt how or where...

i think they sound fun... you always find out all the juicy info at sleepovers... i'd want to get the dish from my male friends lol. =)

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About a year or two ago, co-ed sleepovers were out of question for me. But now my parents don't seem to mind, or really care at all. Just the other night, I was going to sleep over at one of my good girlfriends houses (I will take this parenthetical oppurtunity to note that I am indeed a gay girl, and my parents are aware of this) and two guy friends of ours ended up staying the night.

At one point in the evening, the girl and I went upstairs to get clothes or something and when we came back down the guys were sitting there in their boxers. *shrug* OK. So the next logical thing for us to do was change into boxers and bras. Nothing sexual happened aside from off-color comments that you'd expect from teenagers.

The next morning, her mom came downstairs, looked at us on the couch and said, "Did you have fun at your orgy?" (in a joking way, I might add) and I replied, "Yeah, were we too loud for you? Sorry if we were." And she said, "No, I just closed my door." My friend's mom is totally cool with stuff like that and very open.

Anyway, I think that if parents aren't letting their kids go to co-ed sleepovers for the sole reason that sexual doings will happen, they should remember that if someone REALLY wants to do something, they'll find a way.

Every co-ed sleepover I've been to has been sooo much fun and so interesting because we get into the fun deep discussions that usually need varied points of view, guy, girl, gay, straight, purple, white, black, left-handed, everything.

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Hey Everyone!

My name is Zahc, and I'm 18 years old. I've been hosting co-ed sleepovers for over a year now, and I wanted to see what other stuff was on the internet about it. It's cool hearing about other people's views!

I hosted my first co-ed sleepover on New Years Eve of 2003. My parents just divorced at that point. My dad let me have two of my close girl friends stay over, and had no problem with it. They were going through some troubled times too at that point, so it was nice to break away from all those troubles!

From that date until New Years Eve 2004, I had 28 co-ed sleepovers, which I named "Snugglefest". Snugglefests ranged from 3 to 25 people sleeping over, but could be up to 50 there for the party. Although my dad wasn't there I pushed the no-sex, no-drug/alcohol rules for multiple reasons. 1) If I allowed it, police could bust it and it would be over for good 2) Some kids came from bad backgrounds, it would be dumb to put them back in one 3) Some parents that would never let their son/daughter go to a co-ed sleepover noticed the bans and let their kid come! Of course there were a few times where things did slip without me knowing. But I think we did pretty good for teenagers ;-)

I just thought I would tell my story! This is a good subject to discuss! IM me if you want to talk! Peace!

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Sorry, no IM or other contact info can be posted here. Moderator e-mails are available for use when necessary, but it's not permissible to contact any other users.

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Wow, Interesting Topic!

I honestly i've never had an co-ed sleepover here at my house except for just recently this Feb when my 'rents were away, and I had Isaiah spend the night.

For more than two people, nope. Never. I'm now in university (actually almost end of being a soph), and I still don't :P. Really, the co-ed sleepovers only happen at Isaiah's and just the two of us.

Although, One of Isaiah's friends, Tyler holds a house party every now and then, and usually people crash overnight. So if you want to look it that way, it does become a co-ed sleepover. But both Isaiah and myself have never slept over there so we wouldn't know what goes on there. What we know though is that it's usually unsupervised though. Party usually happens when Ty's dad is away. But all the peeps are usually our old group from Isaiah's high school (about 20 people).

I am just happy and fine that i only have co-ed sleepovers with Isaiah at his house. I sleep with him in the same bed in his room. We don't usually have sex (there are no rules layed out.. we just respect his parents because they're usually in the next room).


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i had a good friend in high school that wasn't allowed to sleep over anywhere after he came out to his mom. She thought him being gay was a phase so she assumed he'd have sex with a girl if he could.
I never had or went to a co-ed sleepover but I did sneak my boyfriends in to have sex on a number of occasions and I kind of regret it now. I smoked in highschool but I would never buy cigarettes with money my mom gave me, only my paycheck and I never betrayed her trust in any other way. She was very overprotective and i didn't get out much so I took advantage of any opportunity and alot of those happened to be while she was asleep.
I think that if parents trust their kids and give them more freedom then they will earn that trust. i am alot less wild now then I was then because I don't feel it's necessary to drink or have sex or whatever every chance I get.

Posts: 53 | From: Austin, TX, USA | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I must confess, I find this topic ridiculously funny! Co-ed sleepovers have never been any big deal for me.

Up until about 18 months ago, all our live-in staff members were male. We have a separate bunk house, so when my dad hired my now-best-friend Jade there was quite a commotion! All the guys were completely for her staying in the bunk house with them, but my Dad absolutely forbid it. She ended up staying in our guest room until one night when we were all out in the bunk house playing poker and it rained so hard we literally couldn't get back to the house (like 6 inches in an hour and we usually only get 2-4 inches a year!) Anyway, we all just crashed out their and my dad woke us up the next morning with the "Their will be no sex between staff members" speech. Well, Jade and I BOTH moved into the bunkhouse that day, and it's been great ever since! It's actually really cool to live with a bunch of people that you know you can trust your life with. As for the "no sex between staff members" thing, that lasted until Jade started dating one of the guys and my Uncle found them in the mucking stalls! Ever since then my Parents have sort of given up. Not that life at the X-Bar is some sort of bed hopping party. The sad truth of the matter is that most nights everyone is too tired to even move, let alone fool around!

I guess the bottom line is that you can definitely sleep in the same room with people that you might possibly at some point be attracted to without things disintegrating into a makeout party (or worse)! I mean, nearly all the guys that work here have seen me naked, and I've seen most of them naked. Heck, I've even taken showers with them. No big deal! Jade and I get a front row seat in seeing how guys relate to each other, and being around them has definitely prevented more than one bad relationship. The guys really go out of their way to treat us like ladies, so when someone comes along that may not treat us as well, we don't even bother! It's also sorta nice to have your own always-on-call body guards!

anyway, my parents are totally cool with the whole thing. I know my Mom would rather I get involved with someone she knows well and respects than someone she's never met.

Ride it like you stole it!

Posts: 64 | From: Carlsbad, NM USA | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Wow, nmcowgirl87, I think my parents would have a heart attack if I did what you did (taking showers with guys and seeing them naked regularly). But it's great that your parents are cool with it - it really gives you a chance to relate to guys that most girls don't have.

Neither I nor my sister have ever had co-ed sleepovers at our house. When we were really young we sometimes slept in the same bed as our male cousins (who are close to us in age) but our parents must've thought that we were too cute and innocent to know anything about sex. And they were right. Now that I'm in college, it doesn't really matter now who I sleep with if my parents don't know, hah. They're okay with the retreats that I sometimes go on. On those occasions, it's usually bunch of college students, both male and female, sleeping side by side in a large cabin, often sharing sex jokes and stuff like that. It's certainly a lot of fun, but I'm not sure what my parents would think if I told them there was really no non-student supervision on those retreats. I guess they must assume there is....

Posts: 218 | From: CA | Registered: Dec 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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My take is unique in the sense that because I'm TG, I was never interested in a co-ed sleepovers. I want a good female sleepover, and I never got one. Still haven't had one considering my very clearly non-female anatomy. What's worse is that I actually got invited to a few but then the girl's mother wouldn't let me attend because I was a boy. Which is ridiculous. Even if I had the right sex, it wouldn't change the fact I'm sexually attracted to girls. Barring me for my sexuality is one thing, but assuming my sexuality is heterosexuality based on my anatomy is stupid. It speaks ill of a person to think that they deserve no chance to prove their responsibility. Things can happen regardless of the sex of those participating.
Posts: 50 | From: Austin, TX, USA | Registered: Dec 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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i have nothing against co-ed sleep overs. i've never attended one, and i don't know of anyone that has. (unless you count crashing at a friends house after a party or sleeping in a big room at a cottage with family friends who are like cousins.)
there was a girl in one of my classes who couldn't understand why her parents refused to let her have a sleepover with her boyfriend. that's a bit ridiculous i think. its understandable that her parents might be uncomfortable with the idea. its not the end of the world.
my boyfriend and i have never considered having a sleepover seriously. sometimes jokingly when its late and one of us is too tired to go home. but you can still wake up next to the one you love. my boyfriend and i regularily fall asleep on the floor when watching a movie. its kind of romantic in a weird way.

Posts: 26 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Allowing coed teenage sleepovers is imprudent.

Take back the web. Firefox: the browser reloaded

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Last year, (in ninth grade), I was really close friends with two other girls and a boy. Recognizing that the four of us were close friends, our parents let us have sleepovers together. This was perfectly fine for a few months, but then one of the girls started dating the boy without telling the parents. The two of them expected the other girl and me to watch tv or occupy ourselves while they had sex. Oddly enough, even after their parents found out that they were dating, they were still trusted enough to have group sleepovers with us.

I'm queer, and I've never been not allowed to have a sleepover with the same sex because of

I guess co-ed sleepovers can work if the group is very close friends and the parents pay attention to the way people in the group act around each other, to see if there's anything weird going on.

Posts: 106 | From: New York, NY, USA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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