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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Are you not "ready" for sex until you hit 18? (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Are you not "ready" for sex until you hit 18?
Sapphire85
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It works for me kind of like a Band-Aid on a large cut- it fixes the problem momentarily, but in all reality, I feel like I can't talk to my parents and that makes me resent them. I'm honestly not trying to be the angry teen, but until my parents treat me in a mature way, it's very hard for me to act back accordingly. I don't kcik and scream or anything- I simply don't respond. I think that if I talked to them, it would just worsen the problem. Oh man, and I always thought my parents would be cool about it once the topic of sex came up. Apparently I was wrong..
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KawaiiGoddess
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Oh, my gawd. Who does this woman think she is? That she knows each and every teenager to be able to say that teenagers should not have the "right to have sex"? Yes, I agree that not every teenager might be ready for sex when they think they are, but to create a law that locks up a very important and large part of our very humanity is unthinkable and unacceptable.

If we all waited until we got married, would there be a clause in the marriage ceremony with instructions on how to have sex? Trying to cover up our sexuality would only cause more problems because if you can't talk about it as a teenager and wait until it's too late to ask anyone about such things, then things like safe sex and STD's won't be things that you know about; because sex is "not something that kids do". Or, should young women be, figuratively, sold to husbands as they were in the past? Maybe dowries will come back, love will disappear and all sex will mean is something that you're supposed to do when you're married.

On the other hand, it doesn't mean that every teenager ought to be having sex, either. I mean, if you think you're seriously ready to have sex and are all revved up to do it, think about this one extra thing. Will you be able to talk to your partner the next morning? The next day at school or work? Will you or your partner feel so ashamed afterwards that you would deny that it happened? Just fyi, in case.

*falls off her high and mighty soapbox* owch.
^-^;

-KawaiiGoddess

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~Change is inevitable, except from vending machines


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loveable me
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I've never seen so many negative, fearful attitudes on sex in all my life. I am glad to be raising my child in a different culture where we believe and teach that people are ready to accept the responsibility and enjoy the fun of sex certainly by the time they reach the age of consent, 15.
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Kiwipunch9
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This strikes a chord in me. I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2 years and I'm 15. Most people would say I'm crazy, but if you were in my shoes with the knowlege that you have the most wondeful guy swooning over you, you wouldnt want to break up either.

There was the horrible episode about 4 months ago when his parents found out we were having oral sex. They didnt tell my parent because they KNEW how she wouldnt even understand as much as they did. His mom was understanding, probably only because she expected it after 2 years. I felt so horribly disgusted with myself for a while, because: I was in a trusting relationship with a person I loved, and i was trying to show him how much i loved him. That's what sex is to me.

And, his father wrote him a letter with this in it,

" I think society’s desire to be “frank and forthright” about AIDS blinds us to the true nature of intimacy. Society as a whole is unable to answer honestly the question, What is sex? It uses sex to sell products. It promotes sex as a form of recreation. All the media say that sex ought to be casual, like some kind of pick-up basketball game. Society says the facts of life are a fact of life: Don’t ask too many questions.

But there have to be rules, don’t there? Even walking across the street has rules. So society says that so long as sex is unlikely to lead to pregnancy, illness, or death, and is not forced upon anyone, anything, between anyone, is ok. That is a thin, transparent and shallow kind of teaching and you should not accept it as true, no matter how commonly it is made."
(sorry this is so long)

"Intimacy is closeness between two people. It is sharing between two people. And although its form changes across a wide spectrum of ages, true intimacy between two young adolescents is not possible."

!?!?!?!? This is the age barrier. Adolescents? How does he know that we were not in a sharing and loving relationship? If we were 18, it wouldnt of been a big deal, taking no consideration in the fact that we were emotionally ready for something like that, so we decided we could do it. Everything was fine until we were "the adolecents". *urgh* Having an age barrier is horrible, because it limits people's (and parent's) minds about thier children's actual feelings and their readiness to take things on themselves. So, the consequence is: we're under 18, so you cant truly love, or be intimate with someone.

I dont think thats right.
(thanks for reading.)

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"There's an old joke, I just made up. How many of me would it take to screw up your life?" --Ben Folds, Kalamazoo


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Gaffer
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I think if his dad reacted like that to oral sex at fifteen, it's likely he would have reacted similarly at eighteen. It sounds like it's an ethical and moral issue for him, not a legal issue. Oh heck, what do I know. I think that most teenagers aren't really ready for an emotional relationship, so sex is fine if we're safe and can accept the emotional consequences of a breakup from a relationship free of sex, much less one with sex. I really don't know though.

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I'm from the United States of Amnesia where Apathy is president. Nope, it just got worse--George Bush is president now.

I <a href="http://gaffer.blogger.com>blog</a>


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dynamdrew
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I am in favor of laws stipulating minimum ages for having sex. That special time is needed to know yourself. We aslo need to protect our children from the 22 year pedophiles that seek our 15 year old girls. Even 18 is too low. The minimum age should be 21? That sounds more like it.
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LilBlueSmurf
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Not all pedophiles are dangerous. I'm pretty sure the defination of a pedophile is a person attracted to pre pubescent boys/girls. So at 15 ... I think that's a bit old.

Even so, my first sexual partner was 19, while i was 16. That doesn't make him a pedophile. I don't regret it. My parents didn't press charges on him (even if they could've, they wouldn't) ...

Us kids are never gonna grow up if you don't let us. You have to learn to be repsonsible at one point or another. Might as well start now.

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When mom found my diaphram, I told her it was a bathing cap for my cat.
~ Liz Winston

In a Smurf's world ...


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Moth
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First, Kiwipunch:

?!?!?! Adolescents can't be intimite? ARGH! That's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard! I'm sorry that your boyfriend's dad is being so unreasonable . . . maybe if the three of you sat down and talked about it?

Second, and to everyone:

One of my "dirtier" secrets is that, from time to time, I like viewing or reading light erotica. I don't think this is corrupting me, and I don't think I need to be protected by it. However, every site has large signs forbidding minors to enter (all right, I ignore them). Why is this? Firstly, it's silly that anyone would think having a notice would prevent minors from entering . . . secondly, it's even *more* bizarre that all of these sites bill themselves as proactive sexuality sites that think sex is a wonderful thing . . . like sexuality.org, I think is one of them- I can't remember very well. If sexuality is such a wonderful thing for adults, why is it forbidden to minors? argh. Another weird thing is that the Good Vibrations website forbids minors to enter . . . but if you go to their store, they sell freely to minors- or at least follow a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Why all the bizarre antics?


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Heather
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Because it isn't legal, Moth, and those businesses and sites can't serve anyone if they end up closed down and in jail.

This is all made even worse by the current state of societtal hysteria about youth sexuality and "adults corrupting minors." We don't make the laws, but adults who run sexuality businesses have to follow them. especially those like Good Vibrations who don't profit the way mainstream pornography and the adult industry does.

And the truth is, the YOUTHS have more of a chance of cahnging them. So if these things bother you, I implore you to writte a letter to your congressman. Kvetching and moaning and venting sure make us feel better, but they don't change much.

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Heather Corinna
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My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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Anna-Clare
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I am 15 years old, living in Canada (although born in England) and am in love with my 18 year old boyfriend whom I have been going out with for six months. When Ben and I first touched each other sexually I was absolutely paralyzed by guilt.

I am a free girl, my life's ambition is to stop the gender apartheid in Afghanistan, and I'm going to do it.

I am such an empowered individual and yet the discovering of myself sexually was a traumatic experience for me (not to mention poor Ben who was rather at a loss as to why I would burst into tears 10 minutes after enjoying it so much). I soon realized that my bizarre behaviour was a direct result of the messages of people such as the woman who wrote to MizScarlet in such a disgusting manner. She, and those like her were making me feel guilty, dirty. However, I knew that I was niether of these things, and still am not. Ben is the most lovely person I will ever know and I now (through talking to him about it and reading 'Tess of the D'urbervilles') realise that I have to be strong and excercise my freedom to do as I feel, as long as I am not hurting anyone.

I am not ashamed and feel that part of who I am is a sexual young girl who is discovering everything for the first time within a beautiful, loving relationship. The fact that people try to take away pieces of the joy that my love and lovemaking causes me is abhorrent. These things are honestly beautiful and should not be judged.

In addition, Christianity (although I'm not even a Christian!) in some ways hindered me. My best friends since I was 4 are both Christian and have tried to enforce the oppressive values that they have learned upon me. I am happy for them, because they are indeed happy in their oppression, but that it what it is, oppression. Keeping women from discovering themselves sexually before marriage keeps them at the power of their husands (upon whom the standard is not so visciously enforced) and that is what I think is more of a problem...not my sexuality.

Thank you very much for this site, it helped me very much as well (gosh, I hope I don't cause you more harrid letters... "YOU were in part responsible for that CHILD'S coming to terms with her sexuality, SHAME ON YOU!" the opposite is true, as you well know.)

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"Intimacy is being comfortable with someone rummaging through your soul." - unknown

[This message has been edited by Anna-Clare (edited 06-07-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Anna-Clare (edited 06-11-2001).]


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Moth
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<< it isn't legal, Moth, and those businesses and sites can't serve anyone if they end up closed down and in jail. >>

I kinda figured. ::makes a face::

<< if these things bother you, I implore you to writte a letter to your congressman. Kvetching and moaning and venting sure make us feel better, but they don't change much. >>

Point well taken. <g> Though, I did need to feel better. And now I do.

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Signed, Moth.

"Nothing in Life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." -Marie Curie


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Sapphire85
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Anna-Clare, that was a wonderful letter, and I totally understand your point of view and where you're coming from. I feel the exact same way. It's like you can read my mind! <g>
:-)

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Nookiebabe16
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I think I agree with everyone here when I say that there is no possible way you can put an age limit on sexual activity. Sex means many different things to different people and while one person is ready for oral sex at age 17 another may not be ready for penis-vaginal intercourse until he/she is 20 something. Its a personal choice entirely.
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Witgirl
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I luv ur site, but that doesn't mean i'm gonna have sex. I'm 14 and i know i'm not ready yet. Whomever wrote that e-mail needs to learn that people aren't going to go out and have sex just because it's being talked about! If anything, this site makes people more comfortable w/their sexuality, and willing to wait if necessary!

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You laugh because im diffrent i laugh because you're all the same...Ye as i walk through the valley in the shadow of death i shall fear no evil, cuz i'm the biggest baddest meanest motherf***er in the valley!!!

})i({ ~*~Whitney~*~ })i({


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Kiwipunch9
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Thank you Moth. It drives me crazy. *sigh*

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"There's an old joke, I just made up. How many of me would it take to screw up your life?" --Ben Folds, Kalamazoo


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Confused boy
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quote:
Originally posted by Witgirl:
I luv ur site, but that doesn't mean i'm gonna have sex. I'm 14 and i know i'm not ready yet. Whomever wrote that e-mail needs to learn that people aren't going to go out and have sex just because it's being talked about! If anything, this site makes people more comfortable w/their sexuality, and willing to wait if necessary!


This site in no way encourages you to have sex anyway. All it does is tell you the truth about sex and allows you to make your own choice, as you have obviously done.


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moonofdarkness
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Here in CO, the law is that if one person is 18 or over, and the other person is 15 on under, it is a felony, and if one person is 18 or over, and the other is 16 or 17, it is a misdemenor...yet people in these circumstances have sex all the time without any 'punishment', and the law doesn't include two 13 year olds having sex as anything wrong...honestly, how can you put an age on the readiness of someone for sexual interaction? We can drive a car at 16, and indanger the lives of all those around u by possibly speeding and crashing, but we can't make the choice for ourselves when do we feel ready to have sex? that just seems plain worng to me, but heck it doesn't matter, because even though there is a law, unless someone complains, it doesn't matter if you break it (which people do break it all the time) so honestly, what's the point? ugh...I'm fed up with our goverment

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"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon!"


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Confused boy
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Actually I would say taht law doesnt sound too bad with a scale of punishment for under age sex. Two 13 year olds having sex should not affect the law as some will naturally experiment anyway. The age of consent law is more to protect kids from adults, hence the age difference seems to be the factor that decides the punishment.

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'An Anarchist is a Liberal with a bomb' Trotsky


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Undercover Cinderella
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Its not like on your 18th birthday something *POOF* magically happens and you're a different person with different ideas about yourself and your sexuality...I don't really see what age has to do with it as long as you feel ready and you know the risks.
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SmartieGirl02
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No one has the right to tell anyone when they are ready for sex. I feel that the youngest you SHOULD experiment with sex would have to be 16, but everyone is different and that is my opinion. If you can be responsible enough to drive and have a car, you should be responsible enough to know the consequences of sex. My mother never preached to wait till marriage to have sex on me and I think that the only reason parents do that is bc they are insecure just like there parents were and there parents were and so on.. Thats just my opinion.. I plan on having sex when I'm ready and I feel at 17.5 I'm just about ready.. so screw what other people think.. I am my own person and I will do what I want when I feel I'm ready and thats that!
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Shenzie2007
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I know this is a kind-of old thread, but... I really like the topic.

I think that people can be ready to experiment fairly young. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I read on... was it the-clitoris.com? that scientists had detected a fetus masturbating in the mother's womb. So sexuality is something we all have at all ages, to a point.
I think the law should have more of an equal-age scale, where if those involved were within two years of each other, that would be the limit of age difference. As long as they were being safe, is this really going to do more hurt than good? Probably not. But that's just my two cents.

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When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -Matt Groening, Life In Hell

"Pope John Paul today confirmed his opposition to gay marriages. Said that they are unnatural. Gay marriages are unnatural. Then he put on a pointy hat, his dress, and returned to never having sex at all." -- Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect


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angelicmadrigal
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Well here's what I have to say about the topic. Do I think people shouldn't have sex until they are 18?

No, I don't think that. I do, however, think that people shouldn't have sex until they have a job. The reason I think this is because until then how are they going to pay for birth control, emergency contraception, or even a child (if that's what they want to do) if they have no money of their OWN (not from their parents)?

I also think maturity has SOMETHING to do with it, but I"m more of a practical person. Just because your 18 or over, does not mean you are mature enough for sex. On the otherside just because you aren't 18 does not mean you aren't mature enough to have sex.
However, there has to be a limit. I mean how many people want 12( or even younger) year olds to go around having sex? I know I would not want to live in a western society where this was allowed.

Also as far as laws go limiting sexual conctact between different ages goes I think it's a very smart idea. I think it helps keep older people from taking advantage of younger ones ( at least to some extent anyway). As a potential parent I KNOW I wouldn't want my child having sex with someone that was _in my eyes_ too old for them (say a 14 year old and an 18 year old)and in the state of OHIO that's illegal and I'd be able to press charges as a parent. It's nice to have that small bit of security there.


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PixieDust
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Ok...how about that person look at it at a different perspective.

Even if they don't feel that teens have the right to have sex, they are, and why not educate them. Their choice: possibly have a teen get infected with HIV which then turns to full blown aids and die, OR the teen be educated enough to say "Hey...we need a condom (or other forms of contra...I don't know how to spell it...)"

Sometimes ya gotta feel sorry for these people who just can't understand someone elses point of view. I can see where they are coming from, and respect their opinion, but as an 18 year old...someone who is by their set of rules *able to*...I find their ideals logical...just not practical. You can take a logical approach to anything...but it's not always the most practical...


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Shenzie2007
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quote:
Originally posted by angelicmadrigal:
Well here's what I have to say about the topic. Do I think people shouldn't have sex until they are 18?

No, I don't think that. I do, however, think that people shouldn't have sex until they have a job. The reason I think this is because until then how are they going to pay for birth control, emergency contraception, or even a child (if that's what they want to do) if they have no money of their OWN (not from their parents)?


Okay, I can see where you're coming from, but to say people shouldn't have sex until they have a job because of paying for birth control or the risk of having a child seems heterosexist to me.


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Beppie
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Even if you're not heterosexual you need the resources to pay for safer sex equipment, STD/STI testing and the treatment of such, should any diseases or infections be transmitted.
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CutiePie4eva
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wow... thats horrible... hate mail =( this site is so helpful and informative... people will do things sexual whether this site was here or not... but this site just helps us to make wiser choices =)

anywat... not the answer to your question... lol

i think that the law is pretty much useless... people will do what they want, and just keep it unknown to everyone else. a person should be allowed to make their own decisions, no not everyone will agree... but thats what freedom is all about

i know plenty of people under 18 who are sexually active... whether they are ready for that responsibilty or not...

i dont think i've been brought up by thinking i'm ready for sex at a certain age... actually i've been brought up to believe you arent ready to have sex until you are married. and i definately am NOT getting married at 18! lol

i actually believe that the intercourse part of should wait until after you are married, but the kissing or hugging, things not to the extent of actual intercourse are fine for when the people involved feel they are ready... no matter what age.

i sort of contradict myself tho... i hear about people in 6th grade... that have gone father than myself... and i question how they know that they are ready for that type of relationship.

i thank god that i was brought up with the morals and values that i do. not that i am putting anyone down who believes differently than me... i have plenty of friends who do things quite opposite to what i believe... and they are my friends none the less

but i waited until i was ready for the most part... for anything i did sexually. and i think that people should be taught to wait until they were ready, and not jump to anything. people need to realize you have your whole life to party... so why do things at such a young age like before high school?

i think high school is the age of reasoning... if not later...


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Shenzie2007
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Sad to say, but 'your whole life' may be cut short by almost anything at any moment. Waiting until a certain age for something you feel ready for now because of what others say seems a waste.
"R.I.P. - Here lies someone who was going to be happy tomorrow."

[This message has been edited by Shenzie2007 (edited 08-23-2002).]


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CupcakePrincess
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I think You miz scarlet Should Be aplauded for a site that Helps Teens out so Much. I dont Know where i would Be With out you honestly! I recently Lost my virginity, after reading yoru site Over and over and in and Out and checking the Forums and getting some advice, and With out What i have Learned I probly Would Be Pregnate and Single and hating my Life. But Becuase of You Me and My Boyfriend Know Precautions and Lots of other things. so HORRAY for you! and BOO for the email Writer!

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When You think your life Is Horrible, ask Me about Mine... It will change your Mind.

~*~*Jen*~*~


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TheTasteOfInk
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a teenager is "ready" for sex whenever they feel their ready, wtf are people doing by saying we arent, their m,aking our choices for us...i personally dont think their shouldnt be laws about that..but thats me..wtf do i know im just some stupid 13yr old...

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"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world"


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logic_grrl
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quote:
a teenager is "ready" for sex whenever they feel their ready

Personally, I'd disagree with this.

I don't think that age alone dictates whether you're ready for sex or not (and of course different countries have different ideas about age - here in the UK, for example, the age of consent is 16, and in some other parts of Europe it's 14).

But I think there's much more to actually being ready than just feeling ready (and being old enough to give meaningful consent to sex).

Judging by some of the posts on the boards here, there are many people who've felt ready for sex but who evidently weren't in a position to negotiate safer sex, get birth control, or communicate with their partners about basic things like what they enjoy. Which seems pretty sad .

I think we often treat "readiness" just in terms of mental and emotional readiness. That may be why some people get very offended if anyone questions their readiness - it's as if they were being accused of being immature or childish. Maybe we need to think more about the practical aspects of readiness as well.


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Blue Roses
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I really don't understand the logic behind waiting until you are married?? I mean, assuming all possible couples could be legally married, some might choose not to! Getting married is also not any indication that you are going to _stay_ married. The impression I was left with (which I promptly ignored) from my health class at school was that sex is extrememly dangerous and you catch all sorts of diseases and will ruin your life, unless you wait until marriage, at which point it becomes perfectly safe. I would say, wait until you feel physically and emotionally ready, love and trust the other person, and can obtain and know how to use birth control and/or preventions against STD's.
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'rin
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this is a mixed question for me:
*personally, i decided when i was about 13 years old that sex was an adult thing and i was going to wait until i was a)a legal adult and b)not under my parents' roof(s). and i did wait until i had met those self imposed criteria, and it helped me make some other intelligent choices - like making sure he got tested first and talking with him about what we would do if i got pregnant.
*but...that's just me. who am i to say that this would be right for everyone? maybe it just took me awhile to be emotionally mature, maybe someone else would be ready before that. how should i know?
*and futhermore, how should the goverment know? how should society know? when dealing with your own body/emotions you are dealing with something intensly personal. yes, i know it also effects your partner and to a lesser extent your family and friends...but it effects YOU the most. so it should be YOUR choice. no one elses.
*that said...there should be some limit....i don't think i'd be going out on a limb to say that 99.9999999% of 10 year olds are not ready for sex, emotionally or physically. and that while many 11-13 year olds are physically ready there's a good chance they are still in that "i'm imortal" moment (a fun place to be, dont' get me wrong, just not the most repsonsible mindset) and therefore not ready to make an informed choice to have sex with a partner. but beyond that there's a huge grey area, and i don't think that the goverment does any good for anyone by trying to sort it out for us.

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MiSs_Behave
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Hmm. It is very frustrating! I respect the fact that there have to be certain laws and guides as to when have sex and stuff so that 11 year olds don't go reproducing, but I think when it comes down to the nitty- gritty, it's the individuals decision. I don't think any type of authority has the right to say whether we are ready to have any type of sex before the age of 18, at all. But, I think these laws are set to secure a financial foundation incase of pregnancy and also because by the age of 18, we are basically fully responsible for all of our own actions. It does tick me off though when people comment on how teenagers shouldn't be having sex and I say this: it may not always be for the right reasons, it may not always be safe but hey, it happens, and it should happen safely and consentually from both parties. My take on the issue.

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Follow your inner moonlight, don't hide the MaDdNeSs...

[This message has been edited by MiSs_Behave (edited 10-04-2002).]


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Sunset_Rose
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I dont think that its fair that adults and the government presume to know at what age you are mature enough to have sex.
What makes an 18 year old more mature than a 17 year old? Does that mean that you become a certain percentage more mature each month, until suddenly at 18 you are completly mature and ready to become sexually active?
I think not.
People mature at different rates, and there is no way to measure how mature someone is, or whether they are ready to become sexually active.
Also, the laws that prevent sex below a set age mean that it is more difficult for teens who are underage to have SAFE sex!
Its more difficult to talk to adults if the activity is illegal, so many teens dont have access to advice.
Its more difficult to get help about sexual problems if you are underage.
Its more difficult to obtain protection if you dont know which is the best form of contraception, because you cant talk to anyone about it.
Most of all, its more difficult to practise safe sex and make mature considered decisions if you have no support and have to sneak around!
I know that there are more places now where teens can get help and advice, but the law certainly doesnt make it easier.

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Dzuunmod
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I think we can all agree - well, almost all - that there's no magic age at which people are suddenly ready for sex. However, I think that we'd almost all agree as well, that there need to be laws to protect, say, 9-year olds from sexual predators. So, what's the perfect law?

I think the systems that we have in North American jurisdictions now are about the best that there can be. Anyone got any better ideas?

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"Love is blind, and I don't blame her/'cause lately I ain't been too much to see/I'd ask a girl home, but I'd have to pay her..."
-Old '97s Ray Charles


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