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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Do you wish you didn't have a sex life?

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Author Topic: Do you wish you didn't have a sex life?
lemming
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This topic is being started by something that U2girl brought up in another topic but I think could really stand on its own.

Do you sometimes wish that you didn't have a sex life? Do you think that maybe you started having sex for the wrong reasons, and feel strange going back? Are you feeling like you're not ready for sex and you're already having it? Why?

Just something I thought would be interesting to consider.

On my part, a recent pregnancy scare and how ill-equipped I really was to deal with it (no savings account, no record of my periods, et cetera) has made me reconsider the responsibilities of sex...

What are your feelings on this subject?

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~lemming, Scarleteen Advocate

want to know the inner lemming? read her diary at http://innerlemming.diaryland.com/ .


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U2girl
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well i figure since i kinda brought this up i mine as well explain my situation... im 17 ive been sexual with 3 different guys.. and well first of all i dont think i was even ready for it. My first boyfriend well i was 16 and he pressured me big time.. it was one of those typical peer pressure lines "well everyone is doing it!" of course i went through with it all and i still am continually having sex with my current boyfriend.. but still in the back of my mind.. im thinking ... this isnt totally right for me .. but what an i do ive already lost my virginity??

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PEACE


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bettie
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I am not comfortable with today's Western world view of virginity and therefore not comfortable with the reclaimed virgin movement. However, I think that once you have sex, any kind of sex, it does not mean you have to do "it", whatever it may be, with any subsequent partner. You may want to have a different time frame or reconsider the sexual acts all together.

Doing something once does not mean you are forever destined to have to do it. Also, it does not mean that since you did something once or a million times with a partner that s/he is entitled to you or those sexual acts.

Hope this make sense.


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Heather
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I'm going to agree with Bettie on this one. As someone whose first intercourse was aa very early rape experience, the whole notion of virginity as meaning intercourse you must them keep having is ridiculous. It just doesn't make any sense and it's not at all inclusive.

We have a great article here on celibacy: http://www.scarleteen.com/pink/pages/abstinence.html

Taking some time off from partnered sex, or even masturbation, can be a great thing to do to renew yourself, get some prespective, and focus on other things. Frankly, I myself take breaks like this all the time. I find it's really vital to my well-being and really centers me.


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entropie
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Well, I've pretty much decided after my breakup with the b/f of 2 years, that celibacy for me is the way to go. So far, sex hasn't really done anything wonderful for me, it's mainly caused trouble, and too many of my previous relationships have been based around it.

If I could go back to age 13 and talk myself into not having sex with that guy, I would. I was too young, and it certain ways, I still am. I've proved that with the realisation that I can't handle the consequences of sex.. i.e. pregnancy (haven't tested yet..).

I'm sick of being perceived as a sex object by men, and people not accepting me for my intelligence.. the basis of who I am. Women think I'm a slut (please excuse the harsh language) because men are attracted to me.. and know that I am sexually active (and therefore they're in with a chance.. NOT!).

Arghhhh.. sorry for bringing this vent into this topic.. but please help me along here with my plans of celibacy.. I'm also thinking of going to a Bhuddist retreat not too far from here, no meat, no sex. Yay!

entropie


[This message has been edited by entropie (edited 09-25-2002).]


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entropie
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I just have to add, another point for this whole celibacy thing.. is I never had time to recover after my rape(s).. I never took the time out to become comfortable with my body again.. and it has made it (I believe) more difficult to get involved in loving relationships where I can respect my own body as much as I should.

It's been 5, 4 and 3 years, and I still haven't taken that time out.

entropie

[This message has been edited by entropie (edited 09-25-2002).]


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Ron
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I can really understand your feelings entropie and the other girls who have expressed similar feelings here. Where does this pressure to be continually sexually active come from? I recall adolescence as being a convincing simulacrum of hell because of being obsessed with sex. They say O those adolescent hormones--but actually it is not that one is biological horny. The obsession is mental.

As one friend described it, its spending an inordinate amount of time calculating the probability of getting laid within the next hour!

I think young men feel that if they are virgins or are not making it every night with their gf then they are not cutting it somehow. There is this subtle or not so subtle pressure that drives men to seek sex when, really, I wonder if they really even want it, or know what they want. It's what makes adolescent men do many stupid things and generally have rotten relationships with women. One of my best friends in high school took refuge in homosexuality, and I really think it was to break out of this pressure that he did it more than any particular 'natural' inclination.

Of course, at 52 the world looks very different. Women still look very nice to me, that being my particular preference, but the old obsessions are gone, thank the goddess. In fact, being an intellectual worker I am really sick of having women admire me for my mind. I wish some one would come along and just treat me as a sexual object for change!


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entropie
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Ron, you crack me up
I find that the internet is a nice refuge, because if people don't respect you for you intelligence, you can just ignore them and/or block them But in real life, when you have see people face to face, it's hard for them not to look externally.. and vice versa.

Quite frankly, I'm at the point now, where I don't really want to meet people in real life, it just causes trouble!

entropie

[This message has been edited by entropie (edited 09-25-2002).]


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Ron
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All reality is virtual, entropie. There is no difference between meeting virtual people or real people in terms of potential trouble! Just ask Mz S!
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LilBlueSmurf
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My sex life started last nite actually ...

I don't regret it at all. We've only been dating for a month, but i've honestly never been sure of anything in my life. The sex was bad, but that's to be expected for the first time right? Hmm ...

I was molested last summer, and i had no choice but to take the time out and fix things. My mom put me in the hospital in april because i was suicidal, then right into therapy as soon as i got out ... I had no choice. If i did, i wouldn't have gone along w/ it tho, and i probably wouldn't be the way i am now. Relationships are really really hard for me because i find it hard to trust. Even my bf right now, but i'm learning ... we're both learning along the way


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bettie
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This is straying from the original topic, but it follows enthopie's angst.

As a teenager and young adult I was not treated very well by others. People made fun of me or thought I was just plain weird. These people were my supposed friends, but I never really fit in with them as hard as I tried. In university I became more selective and at around age 26 I found my place.

I have a small group of friends who "dig" me and I "dig" them. It is a mutual admiration society so to speak. If people, usually strangers, treat me badly, do not see past my physical self, treat me as a sex object, etc...I know they are not worth my time. Sure, I give them chance in the beginning, but if they are mean or superficial people, I don't have to be buddies with them. They don't want to be buddies either. They usually want something from me that I am not comfortable giving.

Sure, I have become a bit more isolated. But, who says you have to be out in the world each and every second of the day meeting new people or hanging out with cruel people.

All to say, I think it is OK to retreat enthropie. Find some solace and healing time. Figure out what and who you want to be a significant part of your life. Somethimes that requires taking a break from sex. Not everyone will understand, but that belongs to them. They may project their stuff onto you, but remember that it isn't yours.


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bettie
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Entropie, I am so sorry I kept misspelling your name through out that post.
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entropie
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That's OK I'm very used to having my name misspelled, Bety

entropie

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[This message has been edited by entropie (edited 09-25-2002).]


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bettie
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Hee hee hee!!! If you were to be scietific about my posts you would notice that the early in the day I post, the worse my typing is. I actual can spell but my fingers move very slowly. My killer word is some. I can't type it to save my life. Same with your name I guess.
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Mophead
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i'm so with you, bettie. I say enjoy life. you only live it once.

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My menstrual diary
Updated as often as my uterus


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lemming
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AAAAA!!!!!

MOPHEAD!!!!!

great to see you back! we've missed you!

~lem


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