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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Oral sex, a gender gap?

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Author Topic: Oral sex, a gender gap?
ThisGuy
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Hey there.
I'm a newb, and I'm still not entirely familiar with the goings on of this place - so I hope this topic isn't against a rule I haven't seen yet.

Having looked through past threads in a couple of forums, I noticed something. The majority of the ones I saw on oral sex were about a girl asking what to do, and usually because her boyfriend asked her to do it to/for him.

I've also talked to some female friends in the past, and they tended to one opinion - girls are expected to go down on guys, but not vice versa. Most guys they've had experience with either never thought of it, or saw it as kinda distasteful.

One woman even had something of a phobia about it - she'd heard too many other guys comment on how disgusting the smell/taste was. She couldn't enjoy oral sex, simply because she'd tense up.

This leads me to wonder: how does this compare to the experiences of those here? Is there that much of a gap between what guys give and what they take?
(I realise that oral sex is not for everybody, but given the mechanics of penis/vagina sex, I'm assuming its more pleasurable)

Also, do guys really see it as that disgusting?

My personal view is, I assume, rare for either gender: I'd rather give than receive. There is nothing I don't love about it - I even enjoyed the first time I did it.
To me, its the most wonderful way I can please her, and also the best way to get her in the mood.


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Dzuunmod
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Ugh, even though it might not be warranted (maybe it is, I can't really be sure) this topic makes me feel sorta guilty.
My partner often gives me oral sex, and I rarely give it to her. I often ask her what she'd like me to do, while we're being intimate, but she usually tells me "nothing", or "I don't know". I feel like I should be doing it for her more often, but, at the same time, she's never really expressed any interest in it. It's kind of frustrating, you know? But then, maybe I just don't do it well, or something.
Maybe I'm expecting too much of a response.
I do want to learn what she likes, I just don't know how to go about it, because sometimes it seems like she doesn't want to tell me. [Sigh]

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Beppie
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Dzuunmod, why don't you ask her directly if she would like oral sex? If it is something that she doesn't enjoy, then she'll say no, but if you're worried that she might be afraid to ask, then you'd open the channel for her, so to speak.
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Heather
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Hopefully, I can put this plainly without being offensive.

The only men I have ever met (and I say men, because I haven't met gay or bisexual woman who have ever said squat on the smell issue) who have gone on about smell, or who have refused to perform oral sex either never had done it before, or weren't very good lovers to begin with.

Like I said, that may sound a bit brutal, but in my experience, which is pretty darn vast, that has always been the case.

I also have to add that some of the oral-phobia has something to do with age, with region and with culture. I have yet to -- once past my teens -- meet a man who wasn't simply delighted to engage in oral sex with a woman, and needed no invitation. I also grew up and always lived in the city, with fairly well-educated people from the US and Europe.

Let's also mention this: less than about 30% of women (and that is the high end) can orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone.


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jupiter
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ThisGuy: I don't know how it is elsewhere, but in my circle of friends, couples just don't mind going down on each other. Like Miz Scarlet said, the only ones who bitch and moan about taste/smell/hairs between teeth/overall aesthetic are people who a) haven't ever done it and don't know what they're talking about, or b) are just plain lousy in bed by general repute, unconcerned with the other person's pleasure and treating their partner like a lifesized vibrator made out of meat. About the give/take question: I don't ask my friends about the reciprocity of oral sex - it's more than I want to know about them. For me, I'd say it's probably about even, but then again, I don't keep an accounting ledger by my bedside (if you know what I mean).

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Gumdrop Girl
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For me, oral sex was a lot about having power in the physical aspect of the relationship. Up until then, I was very passive, but in my past two relationships, my partners have insisted on giving me oral sex, with no pressure to reciprocate. So I would refrain from giving fellatio until I had gotten cunnilingus first. it was my way of making sure I wasn't being "used."

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i think you're special ... and i don't mean that in a short bus kind of way


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Heather
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Jupiter, you are incredibly funny.

And Gumdrop Girl, I have to ask, I can't take it anymore...what is a "short bus"?


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Dzuunmod
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Beppie, I've tried asking her about it in the past, and, basically, she's told me that she doesn't mind it, but it's not great, or, at least that's what I've gotten from it.
The thing is, I still feel like I'm not doing it right (and I realize that there's no "right" way to do it, I just mean a way that's right for her). I feel sort of like when I do try and give her oral sex, it's a bother to her, so I haven't tried so much lately.

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Beppie
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Well then, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Maybe oral sex just doesn't do it for her. You could try telling her what you've just said here- that you aren't sure if you know the best way to please her, and if she's liked it in the past, but if she still doesn't seem to be that enthusiastic, then maybe it just isn't for her. No reason to feel bad about it.
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Alias01
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Ok first let me answer Miz S. question to GumDrop Girl..typically the smaller/shorter yellow school bus was for the "special" children. The kids who more than likely had some type of mental or physical disabilites. So the "Short Yellow Bus" Is for the "special" kids. LOL

Now on to the topic at hand:


For the longest time b4 I became sexually active, I swore on a stack of tv guides that I would never perform oral sex on a girl. I thought it was gross and stories about "the smell" are frequent in a young male's mind. But once I got into a loving relationship....I began to get curious on what performing oral would be like. So I voluntarily ask my GF if I could do this to her. I assured her that I did not expect anything in return (even though I wanted to know what fellatio felt like as well). Actually I performed oral b4 me and my GF had penis/vagina intercourse. I never asked her for head because I knew that if she wanted to do it and she was ready she would tell me..and eventually it did happen and we both enjoy "giving head" for the shear fact that it pleases the other so much. =)

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AliasO1..Who am I??...Wouldn't you like to know!!


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Lady Moonlight
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My current partner enjoys performing cunnilingus on me, and I know I enjoy it when he does! He did mention that he notices a difference in taste when I've been eating a lot of meat recently (he's vegetarian; I'm not), but that doesn't seem to stop him so I guess it can't be too bad.
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Rizzo
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Hmm, well in my (VERY limited) experience, there has not been a gender gap. But I do believe there is one... otherwise Dan Savage wouldn't have to scold so many men for not going down on their girlfriends. Anyway, my boyfriend went down on me before I went down on him, and he was first to express interest in this. Then again, he's quite extraordinary
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Heather
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Without sounding like an *** , I think it'd pay to take a good look at who the straight men are who write into Dan Savage.

When you're writing into a column that is basically meant more for entertainment and humor than education, you're bound to find people trying to be more bozoish than they actually are.

Need I remind us of the Lobster story (please, oh please, say no)?


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ThisGuy
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I was just somewhat curious.

According to my (female) friends, guys tend to be somewhat squeamish. Sad for the girls, really - given that then they have to rely on manual sex or intercourse. Not to mention the way it probably makes em feel about their own bodies.

Sad for the guys, too. They have no idea what they're missnig out on.

In my personal experience - which is limited to my fiance - it goes the other way. But then, thats just the way I like it!
I have something of a (rare?) fetish for cunnilingus - I'd rather give than receive, so to speak.


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Miss Innocence
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ThisGuy: my situation is similar to yours. My current BF is my first, and he's (naturally) more experienced in these things than I am. Since the beginning of our relationship, we've worked in steps. It was he who first asked me if he could perform cunnilingus on me. When I was ready, I said yes. I have to say, I was a bit nervous and fearful of some sort of rejection due to smell, taste, etc. But he apparently enjoys it. When I'm ready, I'll return the favor.

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Miss Innocence
@--}--


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aleox
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My boyfriend performed oral sex on me first and I admit I was surprised because I didn't think guys liked doing it. I have once done it to him but I think he enjoys going down on me more which doesn't bother me I just repay him in other ways. He says that girls don't smell and likes the taste and that it really turns him on eating me out. I think that girls are expected to give guys head more which is unfair, but fortunatly in my realationship this is not the case.

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How will it work out?
I don't know...it's a mystery.

[This message has been edited by aleox (edited August 20, 2000).]


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negative*nancy
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quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
Gumdrop Girl, I have to ask, I can't take it anymore...what is a "short bus"?

People who ride the "short bus" is a slang term for kids in special ed.

Anyways, I perform oral sex on my boyfriend when i'm up to it, but generally I just love to do it, he on the other hand is opposed to it, unless there's a vigorous wash involved, which if i'm really wanting it, isn't much of a bother for the end result.

*shrugs*

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just a girl, a lonely one at that.


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Heather
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Does he have to wash first, too?
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Dzuunmod
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Is it just me, or does anyone else find that this "short bus" stuff is of sort of questionable taste? I've never ridden the "short bus" or anything, but still, I take offence at that.
It seems to me that the particular signature implies that being special is good, but perhaps it's not if you're "special" in the way that special education students are.
If these boards are to encourage diversity and tolerance, then I'd risk becoming unpopular here to say that maybe comments such as those, which could make some people feel very, very unwelcome, ought to be discouraged.

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Heather
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I think that's completely valid.

(I was an adult special ed teacher for two years. I can certainly see that it isn't inclusive).


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lemming
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WOW to what Miz Scarlet said earlier:

quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
The only men I have ever met (and I say men, because I haven't met gay or bisexual woman who have ever said squat on the smell issue) who have gone on about smell, or who have refused to perform oral sex either never had done it before, or weren't very good lovers to begin with.

Like I said, that may sound a bit brutal, but in my experience, which is pretty darn vast, that has always been the case.

I also have to add that some of the oral-phobia has something to do with age, with region and with culture. I have yet to -- once past my teens -- meet a man who wasn't simply delighted to engage in oral sex with a woman, and needed no invitation.


I'm young, and I never even thought about it this way - I just assumed that my partner, who loves to "go down" on me and to give me pleasure, was in the vast minority - I think that's what girls are taught to expect.

I personally don't enjoy giving men oral sex, and before we had penis/vaginal intercourse, he was performing cunnilingus on me.

He was the first who had ever done that, and I found it very shocking...especially to think that it would be enjoyable for him.

Miz Scarlet, your findings simply amaze me, and I'm glad...

~lemming

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"There's only now, there's only this/Forget regret or life is yours to miss/No other road, no other way/No day but today..."~"Mimi" in "Another Day," from RENT, by Jonathan Larson


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Milke
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I think a lot of guys would do it, but are too embarassed to be thought of as a '**** eater' or what have you. It's sort of like the anal sex thing; he'd love to do you that way, it'd be really sexy, nothing would turn him on more, then you mention that maybe you could try a finger in him and he freaks out and asks if you think he's gay. In the current macho mythos, Real Men don't get penetrated or do much for their female (of course) partners, but it's time for more guys to start realising that that just ain't valid.
'Maybe they should try it some day/They might like it.'
-Echoing, The Murmurs

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Milke
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Okay, I realise that last post made it sound like I'm advocating something this site isn't for. Wasn't trying to. I've just noticed how many young teen girls will talk about their guys wanting anal sex and often give in just because they want to please. My usual response when being asked for advice on such topics is to tell them that they should tell the guy they'd want to know it would work both ways before even considering it, and it usually solves the problem.
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negative*nancy
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yep. I prefer it when he washes up too, although it doesn't really matter to me. But after sex, definetly.

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where is fancy bred? In the heart, or in the head?


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Heather
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Again, I think some of what needs to be evaluated in things like oral sex and anal sex is age, culture, region, and so forth.

I have had more male partners in my life ask to be RECIPIENTS of anal sex than I have had men ask to give it. A good plenty of those men were intensely heterosexual, and I can't think of one of them who thought that wanting anal sex made him appear otherwise.


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TooConfused
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I'm a guy.
Personally, I always wash up before she goes down on me, though she never asked me to. I just thought it would be neccery since I tend to sweat a lot. She doesn't wash before I go down on her, and I really don't mind. The smell and the taste turn me on. I could see how a guy wouldn't like the smell or taste - but when you're inlove, I think you natrually will like it a lot.

I, like many other guys, also like to give more than I like to recieve. I'm not really submissive, I guess, I just like to. For me and my girlfriend, the ratio's all out of whack - I give her oral a lot more times than she does it to me. And we're both perfectly happy with the situation.

Milke, I agree with everything you said. There are many movies about this. The teen sex scene is, natrually I guess, very primitive. It makes some people do things they don't want to do. It makes some people avoid feeling and things they really want to try.

Just today, I was at my sister's Dvorkin (The Israeli boy\girl scouts) instructor show. It was hilarious.

Once of the skits were on how different groups of people gesture "hello". When they got to high shcool students, two couples rolled into the stage. The guys were dressed in black, sun glasses, basically a "punk" outfit. They were very mascular and "manly". The girl were dressed like whores, really skimp dresses, etc. When they got to the center of the stage, they gestured "hello" by having the girls move their heads towards, well... and they guys made a manly noise.

It was hilarious! Can't believe no one censored it.

(Sorry for any spelling mistakes, I'm not a native speaker)


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Sweet*howl
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Okay my take on oral sex. I was afraid of both sides, giving and recieving. I was afraid that he wouldn't like the way i smelled or tasted(altho i knew what both of those were like and thought they were okay). But he has always wanted to go down on me,(this would be his first time doing this) ever since we started making out heavily. Adn he knew I was afraid and unsure and he was very sweet about it. He let me know that he loved the way i tasted. It's become a kind of tradition, he gives me manual sex and then sucks his fingers, every once in a while he'll get me to lick them afterwards. Lots of fun. I was still afraid he'd do it and hate it and i'd love it. Finally i was ready to do this with him, and it was so wonderful. Afterwards he came up and la next to me and didn't say anything and I just knew he hated it and started to cry. He made me look at him and said "Sweeting? Why are you crying? Was it really that bad?" I told him that it was wonderful and i was sorry he didn't like it. In reply he pulled me close and laughed and said "Didn't like it? what, are you kidding? Oh sweet! I know i didn't say anything, I'm so sorry I was just relishing the way you taste. Let's do it again." The giving part was a little different. I wanted to give him that much pleasure and curiosity has ever been my companion. So I decided to give it a go, In a few words it wasn't as good as what i got. I couldn't do it very long and I coudn't do all that he wanted. But I have learned what he likes and both he and i are better than when we began, but he still enjoys cunnilings more than fellatio. Altho we engage in fellatio more often because it is just more convenient all around.

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-Sweet*howl

Knowledge is power, use it wisely


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