um, well, i'm bisexual and have a boyfriend. my bf knows i'm bi and it doesn't bother him. i haven't been w/a girl sexually, but am willing to try if i ever find that "special" girl.
now, here's where it gets tricky. my guy brought up the question of a 3way w/another girl. i told him if i ever meet a female i'm comfortable with, i would consider having sex w/him and the other girl. the chances of this EVER happening is really slim, though, in my opinion. what i'm afraid of (if we go through w/the menage a trois) is that my guy runs off w/the 2nd girl after having sex w/us. i keep thinking about him and having sex w/another girl when i'm not there and it bothers me. i'd rather have the incident occur in a control environment with me present to oversee things.
my question is: is this "deviant" behavior? is there something wrong w/me (a girl) for wanting a 3some w/my boyfriend? is there something wrong w/me for freaking out about the possibility of my boyfriend having sex w/another girl when i'm not there?
Look, all "deviant" means is that it deviates from the norm.
By that call, being incredibly generous or altruistic is also "deviant" behaviour. Being socially responsible would be "deviant." Heck, simply taking about sex intelligently very much deviates from the norm. Don't let the language trip you up, or get hung up on it. It how YOU feel that counts, not how Freud felt.
That aside, polyamory requires a lot of communication, and a lot of time to set up limits that everyone is comfortable with. If you're involved in a polyamorous situation and have a fear that youur lover will "run off" with a secondary partner, then I'd be willing to be you need to talk a whole lot more about primary partnerships and secondary ones, and what it all means.
THe best primer on any of this, in my mind, is The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt.
Well, I have done 3 ways with another girl and a guy, as well as me with 2 guys. I personally think it can be really awesome with the right people. However, a lot of people have told me that they thought it was weird or sick behavior. It really depends on who you are asking!
Posts: 384 | From: Malibu, California, USA | Registered: Jun 2000
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I don't think there is anything wrong with it. My sexual standards come down to pretty much one question, will anyone get hurt? My preferences are a different story. I for one would welcome the chance to be with two girls at once. Some girls think that is some kind of top ten fantasy for guys. Its not for me, but it does sound like fun.
Actually, it was grapefruit, I think. But anyhow... when you think about it, being sexually into grapefruit is at least safe sex, right? And it certainly doesn't hurt anyone or do anyone any harm. So how bad, really, could something like that possibly be?
Remember -- not everyone does things the way you do. That doesn't make them crazy, sick, or wrong. It means you have different tastes.
Learning to evaluate what people do *ethically* is important. When you encounter a sexual practice (or any other kind of practice) that is unfamiliar and strange to you, learn to ask yourself these kinds of questions: does it do someone good? does it hurt anyone? does it exploit anyone? does it involve anyone without their consent?
Those questions are a lot more important, when you're talking about human behavior, than a kneejerk reaction. Give someone or something else the benefit of the thoughtful, considered, ethical evaluation you'd want for yourself and your actions.
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