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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » 3some... deviant?

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Author Topic: 3some... deviant?
Mistress Mary
Neophyte
Member # 344

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um, well, i'm bisexual and have a boyfriend. my bf knows i'm bi and it doesn't bother him. i haven't been w/a girl sexually, but am willing to try if i ever find that "special" girl.

now, here's where it gets tricky. my guy brought up the question of a 3way w/another girl. i told him if i ever meet a female i'm comfortable with, i would consider having sex w/him and the other girl. the chances of this EVER happening is really slim, though, in my opinion. what i'm afraid of (if we go through w/the menage a trois) is that my guy runs off w/the 2nd girl after having sex w/us. i keep thinking about him and having sex w/another girl when i'm not there and it bothers me. i'd rather have the incident occur in a control environment with me present to oversee things.

my question is: is this "deviant" behavior? is there something wrong w/me (a girl) for wanting a 3some w/my boyfriend? is there something wrong w/me for freaking out about the possibility of my boyfriend having sex w/another girl when i'm not there?

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http://darkhole.com/francesca


Posts: 36 | From: Park Forest, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Look, all "deviant" means is that it deviates from the norm.

By that call, being incredibly generous or altruistic is also "deviant" behaviour. Being socially responsible would be "deviant." Heck, simply taking about sex intelligently very much deviates from the norm. Don't let the language trip you up, or get hung up on it. It how YOU feel that counts, not how Freud felt.

That aside, polyamory requires a lot of communication, and a lot of time to set up limits that everyone is comfortable with. If you're involved in a polyamorous situation and have a fear that youur lover will "run off" with a secondary partner, then I'd be willing to be you need to talk a whole lot more about primary partnerships and secondary ones, and what it all means.

THe best primer on any of this, in my mind, is The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
HotGrrl99
Activist
Member # 105

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Well, I have done 3 ways with another girl and a guy, as well as me with 2 guys. I personally think it can be really awesome with the right people. However, a lot of people have told me that they thought it was weird or sick behavior. It really depends on who you are asking!
Posts: 384 | From: Malibu, California, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lee
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Member # 381

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I don't think there is anything wrong with it. My sexual standards come down to pretty much one question, will anyone get hurt? My preferences are a different story. I for one would welcome the chance to be with two girls at once. Some girls think that is some kind of top ten fantasy for guys. Its not for me, but it does sound like fun.

Lee


Posts: 175 | From: Tempe, AZ USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mistress Mary
Neophyte
Member # 344

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Thank you for all your input. I really appreciate it. It's helped me figure out a bunch of things about my boyfriend and I.

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"Be it, don't dream it..."
http://darkhole.com/francesca


Posts: 36 | From: Park Forest, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ThisGuy
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Member # 968

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All I can say is...

Unless we're talking about something really wacko - on par with some sorta canteloupe fetish, I'd tell anyone who called ya deviant to go f emselves.

"Live your life and not the way they told you - do what you feel."

Just think long and hard on the consequences of your actions.


Mmmmm...canteloupes...


Posts: 915 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Let's tread a bit lightly.

Fetishism (a term often misused) and sexual behaviour that includes object attachment or parahilias isn't "wacko," in most cases. In fact, especially in men, it is more common than most people think.


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PoetgirlNY
Activist
Member # 168

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quote:
Originally posted by ThisGuy:
All I can say is...

Unless we're talking about something really wacko - on par with some sorta canteloupe fetish,

Mmmmm...canteloupes...


In Rubyfruit Jungle there is a guy who pays Molly(main character) to throw canteloupes at him while he's naked. He actually gets off on that. . .well, whatever tickles your pickle.


Posts: 1101 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hanne
Sexpert
Member # 100

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Actually, it was grapefruit, I think. But anyhow... when you think about it, being sexually into grapefruit is at least safe sex, right? And it certainly doesn't hurt anyone or do anyone any harm. So how bad, really, could something like that possibly be?

Remember -- not everyone does things the way you do. That doesn't make them crazy, sick, or wrong. It means you have different tastes.

Learning to evaluate what people do *ethically* is important. When you encounter a sexual practice (or any other kind of practice) that is unfamiliar and strange to you, learn to ask yourself these kinds of questions: does it do someone good? does it hurt anyone? does it exploit anyone? does it involve anyone without their consent?

Those questions are a lot more important, when you're talking about human behavior, than a kneejerk reaction. Give someone or something else the benefit of the thoughtful, considered, ethical evaluation you'd want for yourself and your actions.

------------------
Hanne Blank
Associate Editor, Scarleteen

"Be Excellent To Each Other" -- Bill and Ted


Posts: 1538 | From: boston, ma, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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