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Author Topic: question probing
Trilobite
Neophyte
Member # 51255

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I feel rather stupid and impertinent for posting here. This forum seems to be composed of and for younger people ("teens") and I am 20 years of having, having left my teenness forever behind me (if I'm too old please remove this). I also don't really want to about sexual issues in the way other people are since that isn't a part of my life. But I've read some things on the main site, and the definitions and ways of looking at things are outside what I've seen thus far (espicially in regards to what "abuse," "sexual assault," etc mean, which are scary things for me to ask people). I've tried to talk to some of these things before, to various people, but I've never talked about them all at once. I also have always tried to not to talk about more bad things than good things. I've never thought I was so horribly off or that I had it worse than everyone, and I also hate to talk badly of people who aren't there.

If you haven't noticed, it's hard for me to be concise when talking about my personal life. Emotions and things are confusing to me. I've always preferred to think about systems, things that can be neatly organized, expressed, and applied. I can't do that here.

Something recently drudged up an experience I've only told one person about that was not so horrible really but it bothered me a lot at the time, so much so that I blocked it out of my memory for a good number of years. And the way the character was reacting to the experience in the story (which I've quit reading) reminded me a bit of how I was reacting even though the situations where different, and then it reminded me of how the people from abusive familes have acted even though that's different from them and I would never claim to abused. Still I figured I at least needed to think about it. Then I ended up at an article on this site.

What actually happened is very simple- as a child, I was with someone in a room by myself and him. His cousin, who was a bit younger than me, came in naked and pressed himself against me. The person I was origionally with told him to stop, and he didn't and didn't, so I just kind of walked forward until he was off me and I was in a room with some adults where he obviously didn't follow me. He was smaller than me so it wasn't that hard. Eventually the clothed one of the two came out. He said I should tell the adults what the other one had done. I gave an empathetic no, I couldn't tell them, and as far as I know he never mentioned it to anyone.

I don't know what to call this, but it really bothered me, maybe more than it should have. But I forgot about it (literally) and went on with my life. So that's why I'm making this topic, I suppose. I want to know what actually happened. After so long I feel like I can talk about it. I don't want to be comforted or told I'm right or anything as I'm wrong or faulted about a lot of things, but I do want to know what it means.

A few other things about me:

-I have a history of being harrassed by my peers, mainly in nonphysical ways but they bothered me a lot at the time. I understood people not liking me but I didn't see why they wouldn't leave me alone. I don't like everyone but I still mostly leave them alone and even help them when they need it.

-I am not exactly "normal" or "typical" or whatever you want to call it. I was identified by a nuerologist as a child as "just being wired differently." Lots of physical therapy and whatnot, but not diagnosis. I strongly suspect that I am autistic and I have gotten an evaluation going but we'll (or rather I will, you won't) see where that goes. I mainly a want a diagnosis so I can say "See? Not crazy" when I'm not safe, though I don't think even people who are "really crazy" should be treated like that, if anyone is "really crazy."

-Likewise, "have a history" with mental health, complete with being forced on drugs (ie, "take this or else horrible things will happen to you," then "take this or you'll be hospitalized," then "take this or we will beat you up, strap you down to a table, and inject you with it"). My understanding now is that these so called crazy things were mainly an autistic response to stress, espicially with increased stimming, sensory overload problems, and motor problems. I was the "He must be on drugs" kind of autistic and not the "Oh what a nerd" kind.

-I find sexual things as being fairly gross although I still have a sexual impulse on a physical level. I'm normally okay with this (I don't really "get" dating anyway and haven't seriously put much thought or effort into it) but I'm wondering if this is some kind supressed psychological response and I'm really normal. Or something. I don't know. The whole idea seems rather silly and I only normally think about these kinds of things when other people remind me (Which is a lot, coincidentally; try to NOT be reminded of them for a day while still listening to people, the radio, reading books, watching movies, etc).

-My parents scare me even though they shouldn't and aren't bad parents, and I've known people with bad parents. I haven't been as good a child as they wanted which I can't really help but neither can they. I
decided to stop loving my mother when I was a child so I did that but I'm still afraid to let her see my real emotions about things. I had to choose to stop loving my mother as a child. My father used to yell at me a lot and seems to care more about what I do than me and will sometimes forcibly do something to "help" me and then demand that I be grateful, though he's getting better. I'm treated like less of a divorce bargaining chip now too. I'd rather they have a good child but they have my sister so I guess it's okay.

-My closest (really, my ONLY) friend through high school was the "one person" I mentioned earlier. I am starting to question how much of a friend she was. She did many things for me that no one else would and helped me when no one else would, but she also did some other things. She insulted me a lot (I eventually learned she was mostly repeating what her mother said about her at me), but ultimately at that point I wanted someone to treat me like that because it would validate how I felt about myself, so it was a kind of validation of me as a person. She sometimes did things like hitting or pushing me, which she did to some other people to, which made me sad but the only time she really heart me was when she through a shoe in my face and she was upset about that and didn't know why she did it and it never happend again. She used to get mad at me for not ever getting angry at her. She was suicidal (mostly because of her abusive mother) at this time. She seems to be doing much better now, but doesn't keep in contact with me anymore because she's busy and has new priorities. I honestly could not ever refuse to see her- thinking about her still makes me happy, although I do so much more infrequently than I used to- but I think maybe it's good for me not to see her. I still care about her a lot and I don't regret seeing her but I'm not sure she always really a friend to me, because if I did some of those things I wouldn't be a friend to someone else. It makes me happy to think she's doing better and moving forward with her life, even if I'm no longer part of it.

-I've never managed to get a job. Interviewers don't like me and at most jobs I think I would just get forced to the emergency room for acting crazy and having movement problems when I'm overloaded. I really would like to have a job but I haven't done it and I don't think I could do it while going to classes and living on my own, because that is just so hard that I can barely manage it (susteinably, though!) already.

-I like lists.


This may not be my real writing style. I'm not sure I have one and I tend to take on different ones depending on what I've been reading and what I'm talking about. I'm sorry about that. I'm also sorry if I shouldn't have posted this. It's OK with me if it needs to be removed for some reason. I'm also really sorry if this is too long. Another thing I need to appologize for, again, is that there are so many negative things here and my life isn't all horrible and I'm not even suicidal/depressed anymore, but I'm starting think some of these things might me connected and I really, honestly just want to understand it all. I'd rather not have a lot of responses at once, but I've probably assured that with such a long and self centered post, anyway. I've tried to trim it. If I have to get advice I prefer "Doing advice" and not "Feeling advice."

Hi, I'm (Mr., if you prefer the title) Trilobite.

[ 12-24-2010, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: Trilobite ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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We generally serve people between the ages of 15 and 25: that's our typical userbase. You're right in the middle! [Smile] At the same time, it's not like people ten, twenty and forty years older often feel they need to talk about these things, either.

However, what we do is sexual health, sexuality and relationships education, so there are some parts of this we're just not going to be able to help you with. If you'd like some help finding online communities who can, though, we can probably help with that.

That childhood experience you're talking about does sound like fairly typical children's behavior and curiosity, including testing boundaries. However, that doesn't mean that if you feel troubled by it, those feelings aren't valid. And if you are autistic spectrum, there are some more reasons why something like that could have felt even more uncomfortable and confusing for you.

I doubt that all of the issues that you're talking about here are related to this one incident: that's a whole lot of different things to link back to just this one thing. However, that's also so not a determination anyone could make just by reading something like this. And some of what you've talked about here don't sound so much like automatic problems or issues so much as possible variations of who we all are and can be.

Are you asking for "doing advice?" If so, happy to do our best, but I'd need some places to start.
In other words, can you fill us in a little bit more on anything you'd like to change, or learn to accept or adapt? Know what I mean?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Trilobite
Neophyte
Member # 51255

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quote:
Originally posted by Trilobite:
quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
We generally serve people between the ages of 15 and 25: that's our typical userbase. You're right in the middle! [Smile] At the same time, it's not like people ten, twenty and forty years older often feel they need to talk about these things, either.

However, what we do is sexual health, sexuality and relationships education, so there are some parts of this we're just not going to be able to help you with. If you'd like some help finding online communities who can, though, we can probably help with that.

That childhood experience you're talking about does sound like fairly typical children's behavior and curiosity, including testing boundaries. However, that doesn't mean that if you feel troubled by it, those feelings aren't valid. And if you are autistic spectrum, there are some more reasons why something like that could have felt even more uncomfortable and confusing for you.

I doubt that all of the issues that you're talking about here are related to this one incident: that's a whole lot of different things to link back to just this one thing. However, that's also so not a determination anyone could make just by reading something like this. And some of what you've talked about here don't sound so much like automatic problems or issues so much as possible variations of who we all are and can be.

Are you asking for "doing advice?" If so, happy to do our best, but I'd need some places to start.
In other words, can you fill us in a little bit more on anything you'd like to change, or learn to accept or adapt? Know what I mean?

That's a great point. I'm sorry. It's hard for me to talk about things. I don't know. I feel like I've been in a state of perpetual shock and fear most of my life. It used to scare me just for people to talk to me, and this wasn't some kind abstract "social anxiety" thing that I just need "get over" or "work through," it was because when people talked to me bad things happened.

I guess more than anything I would like a way to not be financially dependent on my family. If I had a choice, I probably wouldn't talk to them at all, because I have to spend all my time trying to hide my problems from them and act like someone I'm not and then they think I owe them something. And there's all the entitlement.

I didn't mean that anything was caused by one thing. I just meant that I thought some of these things might be related. And I don't know if I believe that's normal, he backed me into a corner and wouldn't go away and I don't think most people do that even when they're children.

can't write more now

edit:

as for "the things" so to speak if I was totally scared of them wouldn't be able to read the site

related- means:
.input (other)------ output (other)
...|.............................|
...out (self) ---- input (self)

I do it



[ 12-24-2010, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: Trilobite ]

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Trilobite
Neophyte
Member # 51255

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delete

[ 12-24-2010, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: Trilobite ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Did you want to talk more about this and what you asked about in your reply? Just confused by your last post.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Trilobite
Neophyte
Member # 51255

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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Did you want to talk more about this and what you asked about in your reply? Just confused by your last post.

Yes, although I think I was having trouble expressing myself in a way that would be understood.

In regards to my parents, I think it is mainly that I don't know how to deal with them and that I don't get a lot out of seeing them, so avoidance is the first solution I think of and one that has gotten me through many situations. I also find it hard to assert myself when there is a lack of respect (sometimes verbalized) towards me and I am dependent on them financially. They have made some changes in the last year but I'd still rather not deal with a lot of it. Part of it is that I don't really have "group interests" and I cannot get behind hedonistic things since I don't enjoy them.

In regards to the last part I mean that I think I have historically invited things onto myself, for instance with my friend in high school where her negative treatment of me justified my attitude towards myself. But this kind of treatment also causes me to act that way.

Part of me regrets making this. It's partly that I'm "home for christmas" so I'm upset about that. It's also hard to talk about these things and there are things that if I tried to talk about them I'd just get upset right away (which makes writing and certainly speaking coherently more difficult).

I don't necessary need a response to everything as much as I'm guess wondering if there is a response at all.

[ 12-25-2010, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Trilobite ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Do you want to talk about how to work towards financial independence, then? That's a little outside our scope, but it's something I could certainly help you look into and get started with.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67996 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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