posted
eh, my parents did the whole "period talk" bit when I was twelve, and they always encouraged safety over anything else (I was an "accident", to contraceptives were stressed), but aside from that there isn't a lot of communication regarding sex. I don't really need it. The schools I've received sex-ed from (three diff. schools in three diff. states) has been excellent.
BUT, sometimes I wish it were easier to talk to my parents. We're just not that close or open. I think an easier way to talk about difficult things such as sex might be to write it down instead of saying it out loud. Because then you can get everything you want to say in properly, with no interruptions or feeling embarrassed and stopping halfway through.
Its definitely important to establish that line of communication and maintain it. The maintenance is where my parents and I have been lacking.
posted
Hey Daytripper. I see what you are saying. As strange as this may sound, I sometimes find it easier to go to a friend rather than my parents. Notes are definitely very helpful in bringing up a topic. Once you've approached it, sometimes it's easier to say things bluntly.
-------------------- Grizzly
Wondering about my handle? I have hairy legs. Last year, my "friends" used "Grizzly" to tease me. now I just use it as nickname. Posts: 47 | From: Oakland | Registered: Dec 2009
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I started answering this question and ended up writing a page-and-a-half long essay about how my views on sex in general have evolved and how they have been affected by my parents. It actually helped me figure a couple things out, so thanks for the prompt. So as not to make you read an essay, I'll summarize.
Though my parents are fairly comfortable with sex in general, they inadvertently overwhelmed me with information when I was too young to handle it. When I was in third grade, they gave me book that covered not only puberty, anatomy and some basic mechanics, but STD's, unwanted pregnancy, and sexual abuse. It didn't pontificate much about the positives of sex, so I had a negative image of sex (and my sexuality, and growing up) for a very long time. They really didn't talk to me about what it is to be a woman or how our bodies are sacred, ect.
When I started my relationship with my boyfriend, I told my parents that I was comfortable and happy about where we were physically, laid it out what our boundaries were, and told them that if they wanted to know anything specific or were concerned they could talk to me. They asked a couple of questions, but ultimately decided that a) it was my business and b) they really didn't want to know about the details. They still have trouble seeing me as sexual in any way. It's a shame, because sex is an enriching part of my life, and I'd love to be able to talk to them about it without it being awkward for them and thus for me as well. I've discussed this with my mom and she says that she'll probably become more comfortable with it with time.
As for advice I would give to parents:
*don’t give kids more info than they can handle, but by all means tell them what they need to know
* Let them know that sexuality is a birthright, and that there’s nothing wrong with having sexual thoughts or feelings.
* Teach your children to love and respect their bodies
* Try to be open and comfortable about sex
* TRY to accept and be comfortable with your child’s sexuality, even it’s hard for you.
* If you have a girl, tell her how wonderful and powerful It is to be a woman, because as a gender we have to put up with a lot. (I suppose this can go for both genders, but I haven’t had any experience being a man)
Still rather long, sorry. Thanks for reading.
Posts: 16 | From: California | Registered: Dec 2009
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My parents have been a very mixed bag. Generally, in some ways, or they like to think, they're 'progressive', but one thing that drives me insane is their "reverse-sexism". Which is really just... sexism, but it's the "Men are pigs" variant which people get away with. Actually a lot of their faults seems to be all in that unacknowledged sexism. Nothing was censored in the household, but they never talked to me about sex. Well, they did, but in that "Guys want it and will try to get you to do it" way. Thanks, mom and dad.
Perhaps they would've answered questions, but I was damned in two ways. First, before I was even thinking about sex, I was just content with everything I was exposed to. I wasn't interested in anyone or sex, I dreamed of growing up living alone with a house full of dogs. Then after I started thinking about sex, I felt like I was way too young to be thinking like that, or (as I got older) thinking about it waaaay too much, and so I just felt perverted and ashamed and didn't bring it up. Sex is a guy thing, right? Which is a really damaging way for a girl to think growing up. Really, if there's just one thing, ONE thing I could give myself back then, it would just be the message that it's not about gender, that boys and girls get sex drives, and sometimes a boy doesn't want sex much and sometimes a girl wants it a lot, and that is all okay. That would have saved me so much trouble and shame that I'm still having to uncover and unpack today.
I'm 21 and sexually active and I feel like I should open this line of communication to my parents, but it's a hard subject to broach. It doesn't help that my parents probably assume I'm not having sex since my sisters and I have always seemed very "reserved".
Posts: 8 | From: California | Registered: Sep 2010
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posted
My family was pretty open and we got the sex talk over several years starting at 5 going to 12...often giving all the info at once i think overloads people, and is better to digest in small meals, As a result i could ask my parents sex questions most people would not dare to ask lol.
Posts: 84 | From: baltimore,maryland | Registered: Sep 2010
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RoundRay: It is sexist towards women to act as if sex is something they have no desire for but rather do to make men happy and/or because they are pressured/coerced/forced into it, I agree saying all men are pigs is sexist towards men, but the attitudes you're describing are both misandrist and misogynistic.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 819 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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I want my parents to explain things as I ask, not dance around it, because when a subject is danced around then I'm less likely to feel that I can ask other questions, and also I come away without knowing the answer, but feeling that the subject is dirty somehow, which is not a good attitude toward sex.
I understood the basics, and I was lucky enough that my mom had a friend who moved out and lived with us for several years...and the friend had two daughters, one a year older than me, the other two years older. Once they got past me as a pest, they decided I was a good project and put makeup on me, or talked about boys with me, or what have you. When I started my period for the first time, I came out of the restroom (at the store) and the first person I muttered it to was the girl two years older than me. She's also the only person who knows I'm gay. I felt better talking to her because nothing was ever out of bounds, and she never danced around something. When she found me reading one of the adult novels, I was about 13 or 14, and we took turns reading it to each other and laughing at how stupid the scenarios were and how dumb it was that these people just suddenly met each other and decided they should go have sex. I could ask her questions I couldn't ask my parents, because she was always open, while my parents hid that sort of thing from me while I was growing up-I guess I went to my friend because she was the one who explained what a pad was and what it was for when my mom said that it was "for sanitary use" (I understood sanitary as meaning clean, and for a while I thought it was a makeup remover cloth).
Posts: 173 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2010
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posted
Thanks to the frank sex education in my country, I never wanted or needed my parents to tell me about sex. My mother tried, but I just ran off telling her I already know all this stuff and don't want to have sex anyway so it's cool. For additional information I'd look online, like the symptoms for STDs should I forget. We were shown educational films about the gynecologist, sex (with actual naked people having actual intercourse with no razzle dazzle and no beating around the bush.), we were allowed to go on porn sites to see what the industry is about and why it is not wise to use it for gaining knowledge etc. Entering teens books are abundant and there are many books with funny but apt illustrations to guide both girls and boys through their phases in puberty. While it felt embarassing to borrow these books from the library, they were helpful too. (ie. breasts being different size being normal, the awakening of sexuality and sexual interest etc) Also because nudity is not a big deal-- families often bathe together -- there were no big surprises in that department for me either. As opposed to my partner who hasn't basically seen anyone naked since she was a little toddler.
So as for me. Nope, I didn't want or need my parents to talk to me about sex. If I had wanted to, or had asked, I would've liked for them to be honest.
Posts: 236 | From: Europe | Registered: Oct 2009
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My parents have always been very open with me about sex and sexuality. I was told so young that sex was that I don't even remember being told, it has always been a fact to me like the sky being blue. They talk to my sister and I frequently about things like this and told us about our periods when we were quite young. I can ask my parents any question (not just about sex) and get an answer. This seems ideal, yet I'm embarrassed to talk to them about sex and don't like sharing my opinion of it with them.
My ideal would be having my parents respect that I may not always feel comfortable talking about sex, if I need to know something, I'll ask.
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 817 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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Passive is the word for my parents way of teaching sexuality. When I was 6, I was handed a kids book that explained how a baby was born. Only violence, not sex, was censored from films and they were supportive of our school giving us thorough sex education.
Yet I always felt something vital was missing and that is the personal factor. When I was a child, if I mentioned something sexual, my mother would frown and say: "You are too young." And it is this frown that stopped me when I was 9 asking my parents what this hair in my armpits and between my legs was, was I turning into a bigfoot? Or afraid of asking for advice on relationship problems at the age of 16.
It wasn't until I was 17 that I found Scarleteen and reading up on all the amazing advice you give has given me a bit more courage every time to talk up and find support in my parents. Just a few months after finding this site, I brought up the topic of contraception with my mother and found she was very supportive of my decision to take the pill and even booked the date with the gynecologist and drove me to the appointment.
What I wish, had things gone differently, is that my parents had shown me, actively, that they were there for me, not only to educate me and support me through the technical side of sexuality but also through the emotional side.
Posts: 1 | From: Spain | Registered: Jul 2010
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Woo boy. It was a while ago, but I still remember my mother suddenly irrationally freaking out about me potentially having sex when I went to college (I actually wasn't, as it happens) -- and she'd been really calm, rational, down-to-earth, and matter-of-fact about answering questions before that.
Rational, down-to-earth, and matter-of-fact about answering questions is good. My parents never volunteered information, apart from giving me a good book, but as a kid they were always there to answer questions without freaking out. That's good. The freaking out, not so good.
I was lucky though, because my parents always respected me as a thinking human being. I've found most of the people I've met never had that, and I can't really imagine their parents being *able* to talk with them honestly about *anything*.
Houston46 and OtterGirl and skylark all give great advice for parents. I doubt I could give better. I also agree with all those who said that the general relationship between parent and child is critical. If you can't really talk about anything, it's sure going to be hard to talk about sex.
Posts: 37 | From: USA | Registered: Nov 2004
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They must have done it gradually, in simple terms, in bits and pieces, because as a kid things are not that easily understood.
Later, in my teens, they gave me sex education/contraception talks, informing us of the pros and cons of different options and the fact that while they hoped we'd refrain from sex until if we got married. My mother gave me a stack of books about everything ranging from menstruation and reproductive issues to hair and make-up to dating.
posted
I was told that a baby's in a woman's stomach and how the baby gets out, but not how it gets in. When I was small, I once asked my mother "How do you have a baby if you aren't married? Does it pass into you on the street?" She carried on washing the dishes as though she hadn't heard. I was covered in shame and confusion. The fact that I can remember exactly what I said shows how vividly those emotions stamped the memory into my mind. So answer your kids' questions, I guess.
Another time when I was maybe four she came in while I was in the bath, said "Have you been playing with your weewee?", took my hand, sniffed it, said "You have!", then, seeing my face, said, "It's OK. It's your weewee." But she clearly didn't think it was OK. Small children are like animals; they tune in to the emotional states of the adults around them. Whatever she had said, I would have picked up that she was uncomfortable with my genitals. Just saying the socially-prescribed thing isn't enough.
She only told me The Facts of Life when I was ten, and only because we were going to have sex ed. in school and she thought she'd better get to me before they did. She led in with some talk about the proper names for genitals then said, very quickly, clearly painfully embarrassed, "The man puts his penis up you." Up you where? would have been my thought if I hadn't already known. I never told her, but I had heard the word sex at school and looked it up in the dictionary when I was seven. Don't underestimate your kids' knowledge, or think that they'll automatically come to you for information.
Posts: 170 | From: UK | Registered: Mar 2011
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posted
im a preachers kid so growing up all i was told was dont do it if u do i hope u have a place to stay. its as if my dad suddenly caught amnesia once he entered parenthood. Now its 18 years later and he wants to talk but he has made sex seem like taboo and a disgrace that i dont feel comfortable to even talk to him about anything from relationships to sex ..ick!
posted
The way my parents talked to me about sex and development was mostly scientific, but it was rarely brought up at all (my mom chastised me once for telling a sex joke I didn't understand at the dinner table, and when I was about 11 she gave me that American Girl book about the care and keeping of me, and that's all). I still had internet access, so I ended up with some really muddled and unhealthy information about sex. I was really frightened and apprehensive. I never talked to my parents about the scanty and terrible sex ed I got in school, and even now I'm way too frightened and embarrassed to bring it up. They're trying to raise my little brother differently, answering all his questions frankly and age-appropriately and all that. Because he's a little boy and ~boys are different~.
I just wish they had been more frank. Giving your kid a book isn't enough, especially if your kid's already predisposed to be anxious. I knew that if it was something my parents didn't want to acknowledge, that if they were so afraid of it they couldn't even talk about it, they had to hand me over a book, it had to be something scary. Even if the book was cheerful and friendly and had gentle illustrations. Kids can sense stuff like that. One of my best friends had really "touchy-feely" parents who threw a party for her first period, etc., and were very frank about sex. Quite honestly I'm jealous, even though that's not perfect either. (For one, telling me I was ~becoming a woman~ was a great way to scare the pants off of me. I'm transgender.) I'd rather have sex be over-praised as like, special and cool (rather than a part of life that can and should be beautiful and hella fun if you're having it) than shamed as dirty and bad or not spoken of at all.
Posts: 7 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2011
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My parents to this day have not told me a word about sex. My mom thankfully managed a period talk about six months before I got mine, if she hadn't I would have been very confused, I initially thought when hearing my sisters talk about them that they came out of your breasts (??) I needed all the consoling that periods wouldn't be painful possible; I had grown up with yearly checks on a medical condition I had called a Bladder Reflex, the tests involved a tube up my urethra. I had surgery on my bladder and had to pee blood for three weeks after. I was convinced that any blood coming out from that area was the most painful thing in the world. Imagine my relief when I discovered I can't even feel my period most times.
For sex, well, I found out breasts exist (idk how I missed noticing them) when I started growing them late 5th grade. I initially thought I had cancer, because there were funny bumps on my normally flat chest. 6th grade I discovered penises exist, before discovering breasts and penises I did not realize that girls and boys were anitomically different at all. I didn't know why girls and boys were different, I just knew they were. End of 7th grade I figured out on my own how sex works. Mid-8th Grade I had my first actual sex talk via Health class, and discovered that Condoms and Birth Control exist. Early 9th grade I finally figured out what masturbation is and realized I'd been accidentally masturbating since 3rd grade. Late 9th grade I found out much much more about sex and finally realized that penis in vagina was not the only way to do it. Oh, and I forgot to mention; early 7th grade I found out that homosexuality even /existed/ via my older sister. And through all these years, not a single word from my parents about sex. I figured this all out by the internet, friends, or completely on my own. In the end, since I haven't even had the opportunity to date yet (my parents won't let me date until I'm 16, and even then, not many lesbians to be found around here), it's done no harm for me to never have a sex talk with my parents, and though I dare say it's amusing how figuring out sex was a treasure hunt for me, I'd have felt a lot less embarrassed and stupid about how little I knew through middle school if they'd just told me. Not to mention the multitudes of sexual things I did on my own without even realizing they're sexual.. Ignorance about sex does not keep one from being sexual.
Posts: 11 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Sep 2011
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I never got the sex talk, really. And I know my brother(he's two years older than me) has never gotten it, and because he's very naive and doesn't "get" stuff, he often makes sexually charged remarks/offhand comments that are very uncomfortable for everyone involved...but nobody seems interested in talking to him about why what he says is inappropriate, especially when directed at his own family.
As for me, I got a period talk when I was ~10, I think. Around the same time, we watched one of those old videos about the stages of life, but it glossed over the actual sex part, just saying attraction leads to sex which leads to pregnancy. So I had no clue about sex. I'm pretty sure my parents have taken the mentality that if they never talk about it, we'll never find out about it, and we'll never have it 'till we get married. Hell, my mom still freaks out about me interacting with guys, even in group settings. Both my parents are very old-fashioned; they're the kind of people who insist that it's their right to educate their children about sex, and then refuse to talk to them about it until the day before they're getting married(which hasn't arisen yet).
Interestingly enough, my mom's always been pretty big on women's health and natural cures and stuff; I knew about reproduction, reproductive organs, your breasts and their development cycle, pregnancy and a ton of stuff that happens during pregnancy, etc., all of that, but outside of the context of sex.
Everything I know about sex has come from the internet. I started out in fandom(FF.net is NOT a good way to learn sex ed, fyi, lol), and just picked up things from being highly active in fandom. So I'm pretty much self-taught. Which is why I love this site. I'd say I'm pretty educated by now(after six years on the internet), so it takes a lot to embarrass me, but I wish I'd known these things earlier, for sure. Nowdays I have to pretend to know less than I actually do, because if I did reveal what I know, I'd have to explain how I came by this information, which would probably result in my parents having heart attacks and completely blocking up the internet.
Posts: 37 | From: Texas | Registered: Jun 2012
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My mother had a sex talk with me when I was in Grade 6. I don't remember much of it; probably just the basics of "stay safe" and things like that. But when I was in Grade 6, I wasn't thinking about sex and there was no guy whom I was attracted to and wanted at the time; so I kind of feel like she should have maybe followed up with me, years later. Of course, my views on when to have sex have changed considerably within the past two years; so maybe she just thought I didn't need any refresher courses because she thought I didn't want to have sex for a while. Being from a religious and conservative family, we don't talk much about sex; and though I am a Christian too, my views on sex differ radically from theirs and I just choose to not tell them about it in order to keep peace and so they don't barricade me in my room (extreme exaggeration, but it still wouldn't be a nice conversation).
I wish my parents were more open-minded so I could ask them any questions; but everything I've learned about sex (recently) has been through this site, random doctors and nurses, my partner, and online research (which I actually avoid now and just search Scarleteen's forums regarding my questions, since there is so much misinformation out there online about everything to do with sex).
-------------------- "I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can) Posts: 667 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012
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Too right. There aren't too many topics that have as much misinformation and guiltification about them than the topic of sex does.
Posts: 506 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011
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