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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » The Randoms » I want to and yet I don't want to have sex

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Author Topic: I want to and yet I don't want to have sex
Member # 392

Icon 5 posted      Profile for Faceless_Man     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm 18 and still a virgin. I have had the opprotunity to have sex, but I turned it down. This made the person i was going with brake up with me. Now I am male, and I know it's not true for all guys but a good majority want to have sex when they are my age. I want to have sex, and yet I don't want to have sex. Part of me wants to explore my sexuality, and part of me wants to wait for the right time with the right one. I keep kicking my self in the butt because i think that if i would have just had sex with her we'd be together and i would have done what all of those years of masturbating were for (Please excuse the joke, but I tend to make jokes about my life. It helps me laugh at bad memories). i guess what i am asking is: Is my way of thinking normal for an 18 year old? Did i do the right thing? Is it normal to be scared of sex, and at the same time want it?

This might be kinda stupid, but it is something that i have never told anyone and i am seeking advice.

"When life hands you lemons, you throw them back and demand your oranges." - Courtesy of Phil Hartman

Posts: 1 | From: Littleton, CO, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 16

Icon 14 posted      Profile for Catja     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
yeah, it's very normal
and u know, i know like about 6 or 7
18year old guys who think the same way.
2 of them have once lost their erection w/ a girl and are a bit nervous and scared about it, but i know more guys than girls who want to wait 4 the right person -
and if this girl broke up w/ you because of that than she's not really worth it i guess,
or didn't really care 4 u much.
but you'll find the right'll see.

Posts: 9 | From: BEnsheim, GErmany 64625 | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey faceless.
It's hard to guage sexual readiness on age, because what really makes us ready for something or not isn't about how old we are, it's about our life experience and our unique needs and desires.

It sounds to me like you know yourself and want you want remarkably well.

Sex doesn't keep people together, so you can stop beating yourself up right now. And anyone who would dump you over it isn't someone worthy of you anyway. That's the simple truth.

The good news is, you can explore your sexuality without intercourse, so you can get what you want all around.

It sounds to me like you know what you want. Now you just need to stop beating yourself up and realize that you're making an extremely mature desicion to respect your own needs and wishes above and beyond what others think. Good for you.

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 312

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thats right! you shouldnt think your way of thinking is not normal just because you're different from most of the people you know! i think about sex the exact same way you do, i wanna save myself for the right person and the right time, i want it to special and i want to plan it so it doesnt go all wrong... and although i've met the right person, i still dont feel prepared to do it, its not really fear, its more like im not physically or mentally prepared to take such a step.
all in all, dont be worried about that, my bf is 18 too, and he thinks like you... its beautiful to think that way and it only shows what kind of person you are, i mean, some people just have sex for the physical pleasure it gives, while some (like me and you) want to wait to have that pleasure with the one we love.
about your ex-gf... if she broke up with you just because you didnt have sex with her, she doesnt deserve you! she didn't really care about your feelings and was only interested in sex... sorry for being so direct, i apologise if i offended you or anyone with this post... if i did, it was not on purpose.
take care and stay safe!


Posts: 390 | From: * my own little shell * | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 272

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It is COMPLETELY normal!! My boyfriend was 18 before he lost his virginity. I am 17 and we have been going out for a year and 3 months and we just both lost our virginity. We are really happy with each other! If you get into a great relationship like ours, you might decide to have sex as well!


Posts: 145 | From: Dover, Delaware USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 105

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Anyone who dumps you just because you won't have sex with them isn't worth it. It usually means the the sex was more important to them than your feelings were.
Posts: 384 | From: Malibu, California, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 161

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i can TOTALLY understand how your feeling. its really hard to explain though, huh?? i mean, its like, u really want to, badly, but its like, your not quite ready. there really is no way to put it more understandbly, but i totally get ya. i think u sound normal to me. u have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many more years to explore yourself. Your only 18, u have at least like, 70 more years to live. i mean, golly, everyone is in such a rush, but, once u find that really, really, really special person, u will be like "praise the lord that i waited" u will.
Posts: 139 | From: San Ramon, California, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 194

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If you are scared or uncertain at anytime, DON'T! (Although you seem to already know that - good for you) If there is even the slightest chance that it might not be what you want, you don't want to make a mistake you will regret. Also, don't kick yourself in the butt over your past relationship. You weren't ready, and she should have respected that. We tend to hear more about guys being jerks, but the truth is there are girls out there that are just as bad, or worse as the guy/player stereotype.
Posts: 42 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 543

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just wait for the right person...u'll find her
Posts: 92 | From: Somewere over the rainbow | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 196

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It's normal to be nervous about the first time, and If you're unshure. Wait. If you lose your virginity you never can get that back, just wait til you find the person you really feel is the right person, and if a girl really likes you for you she won't break up with you just because you aren't ready to have sex.


Posts: 89 | From: Newton, NC, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 381

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You've got to do what is right for you. Don't worry about what other people might do (or brag that they would do) in your situation. If you didn't feel right about sleeping with your girlfriend, then you were right to hold off.

Sex is nothing to be afraid of. It is a natural, normal, and in fact mundane part of life. Its an important part of life, but it really isn't the big deal that our culture makes it our to be. The best thing you can do is read and learn about your sexuality. There are dozens of good books out there that will tell you anything you might ever want to know. Go to the public library, the books are there. Furthermore, no one will try to stop you from reading them.

When you find the right person and the right time comes around, you'll be ready to take that step. Just please don't think that you HAVE to have sex, or that its something you're "supposed" to be doing because everyone else says they are. Sex is something an awful lot of people lie about, especially guys. Probably half the guys you know are virgins, although few will admit it.

You made the choice not to have sex because you didn't want to, that makes it the right choice. Far better than having sex when you don't want to because you think you have to. You don't have to. You never have to if you don't want, although I think you'd be missing out on something great. Just take your time and only do what you feel good about doing.


Posts: 175 | From: Tempe, AZ USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 664

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Well its nice to see a guy who dosent veiw sex in a sheltered way. I admire what you are doing ,and that girl that left you was not worth it ok? everyone goes through this just hang in there i know u will come to the right decision
Posts: 27 | From: nj usa | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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