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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » The Randoms » not able to meet daddies requirments

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Author Topic: not able to meet daddies requirments
Member # 233

Icon 5 posted      Profile for BabyAngel84     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post dad is always mentioning to EVERYONE about how he KNOWS i'm gonna be abstinant etc... and i've NEVER said this and DON'T plan on staying abstinant unless it just happens...i don't know what to do because my dad expects me to wait until marrige or engagement, i don't plan on having sex anytime soon, just until i find a guy who i love and feel confortable with, how am i supposed to talk to my dad about this, my mom wants me to tell her when i'm thinking about having sex, so she can get me birth control, i was planning on keeping that promise to her. I hear u have to get the pill thorough a doctor,and would probably have to tell my mom about it so she could help me get it, and i don't wanna have sex using just a condom cuz the risk of gettin pregnant is to high and my dad would literally kill the guy, and probably remove certain body parts. I'm scared to talk to my dad about it cuz my dad has already made many threats if he finds out i have sex b4 i'm married...i was planning on waiting till 18 but can't make any promises...what do u think i should do about my dad..should i talk to him about it..or when i plan on having sex, should i hide it from him..i'm soo confused!
Posts: 161 | From: Kenosha, Wisconsin, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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If i were you the next time my dad said that i would pull him to the side and say " dad i know how you feel but, that is not exactly how i feel" then tell him how you do feel. but make sure you tell him you aren't going to have sex anytime soon. But i wouldn't hide it from him he might get very upset. if you don't want to tell him how you feel , try to explain to your mom. then ask her to talk to your dad and tell him how you feel about it.


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Wow. That's really rude, what your dad is doing. I'm sorry for you, because it must be really embarrassing, to say nothing of uncomfortable.

I think that it's time to sit down with both your parents and tell them that it is very uncomfortable for you to have anyone else making announcements about your sex life. It is okay for your parents to be afraid of your sexuality -- most parents are a little afraid of their children's sexuality as their kids become sexual human beings -- but it is really not okay for anyone's parent to go around making announcements about a child's sexuality.

The tricky part here is that it is very likely that your parents may make assumptions about what you have done sexually, or what you are likely to do sexually, if you tell them that you don't like the announcement-making that is going on.

It's important to tell them that you take sex very seriously. It's probably important to let them know that you have not had sex at this point. It's important to say that you have taken it upon yourself to get educated about sex, about the pros and cons, and about things like birth control and STDs. Feel free to tell them that you've asked some professional sex educators about it and that they think you're being really responsible in your thinking, if you want to (I do think you're being *very* responsible! Good for you!).

But it is also important to tell both of your parents that while you understand how serious sex is, you also need to have them respect the fact that your body is your own and that your decisions are your own to make. It's as rude and uncalled-for for your father to announce HIS decisions about your sexuality as it would be for you to announce your decisions about his.

Your parents obviously did not raise you to take sex lightly. They did not raise you to make stupid decisions about sex. You are exhibiting very sound judgement about sex, in fact, particularly because you are putting so much effort into knowing what the risks are and learning about birth control and STD prevention. The fact is, your parents should be proud of the fact that they have raised a daughter who is so thoughtful and so responsible. I would be proud of you if you were my child for making the kinds of decisions and doing the kinds of research you have done.

You may or may not be able to get your father to respect this. Your mother may or may not be able to help. I tend to think that your father is probably very afraid, deep down, of what might happen to you if you had sex. He's probably aware that there are a lot of guys out there who would be bad for you, and guys who might use you just to get sex and who would hurt you. All that is true, and he probably feels powerless about that. It probably makes him angry and hurt.

And that's life. Children grow up and turn into adults. It's hard to watch your children have to face a world where they can be hurt. It's very tempting to try to lock them away from that world, very tempting to try to use parental power to control children's lives as those children grow up.

But the truth is that your life is ultimately your own. Your body is ultimately your own. The decisions you make about what to do with your body and your life are ultimately your own. Your father can make announcements and try to tell you what to do by announcing what he expects of you all he wants, but the decision ultimately comes down to you.

He probably doesn't realize that he's being rude. He probably doesn't realize that he's hurting your feelings by making these kinds of announcements. He's probably making other people uncomfortable when he does it, too -- most people don't publicly talk about their own sex lives or those of their children. It's not going to be easy to talk to him about that and it's not going to be easy to convince him.

Ultimately, you may have to simply say "Dad, you raised me to be honest with you. You also raised me to be smart and to make good decisions about my life. I think you and Mom have done a great job and you are still doing a great job. I wish you gave me some credit for being able to do what you've taught me to do."

Good luck. And remember -- ultimately, it's your call.

Hanne Blank
Associate Editor, Scarleteen

"Be Excellent To Each Other" -- Bill and Ted

Posts: 1538 | From: boston, ma, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 233

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THANK YOU!!!!!!!

I'll take ur advice and see if i can bring that up to him!! thanx again!!

Posts: 161 | From: Kenosha, Wisconsin, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 381

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I don't know... I've never had a good relationship with my parents. It seems to me that if he is this screwed up about sex then expecting to be able to have a rational discussion about it is wishful thinking and not something that is ever going to happen before you're 40.

Parents are a problem. They bring us into the world and then spend years poking at us and trying to lay their fears and insecurities and neuroses onto us.

Your father loves you and wants what he thinks is best for you. The problem is that, for whatever reason, he isn't psychologically able to handle the fact that you're growing up and becoming a woman. I just don't get some people's parents. They think their kids are idiots. My own mom goes through the occasional "are you on drugs?" phase even though I've never done drugs and never will. I don't smoke or drink either. I tell her this but she just doesn't hear it. She think she sees all kinds of "warning signs" in my behavior that simply aren't there. I wouldn't be suprised if one of these nights I get woken up by a couple of thugs in white there to take me off to some rehab center. Boy will they be suprised when my piss tests as clean as evian water. Actually I don't think they would really care since they make money off every person there, whether they need treatment or not.

I'm not some older wiser person who has been where you are. I'm not even a girl. But I do know more than most about nutcase control-freak parents. The best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut, at leat until you're out of his house. I'm assuming that '84 is when you were born. Well you've got a couple of years till you're 18 and can get the hell out. I'm still waiting for that fateful day myself. Between now and then do the very best you possibly can in school. Just be the best damned student your teachers have ever seen if you can. A full-ride scholarship to a far away school can be your ticket to freedom.

You'll have to wait till later in life to try and reach your dad. Till then love him, and know that he does love you, but don't trust him because you can't trust a crazy person. Your mom sounds a lot more rational than your dad. If you need to talk to someone, talk to her. Keeping your father happy in regards to your sex life isn't something you should bend over backwards to do because quite frankly its none of his business.

I'm sorry if I sound like a nut myself. I just get really upset when I hear or read about someone's parents acting like that.


Posts: 175 | From: Tempe, AZ USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 105

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My dad (and most of my friends dads) is the exact same way. They are totally against us fooling around with boys period! I had major battles with my dad over this! The big issue that our dads have is that they are worried about us getting pregnant or STDs. The best way to deal with them is to sit them down and have a big daughter to father talk. You have to explain to them that this is the new millenium, and teens today are more sexually active then in years back. The most important point to get across to them however, is that you are always going to practice safe sex!! This is really their biggest concern. Once dads realize that you are a responsible daughter who ALWAYS uses birth control and condoms, they feel relieved and usually stop bugging you about boys and your sex life. Try it, because it really worked for me!!
Posts: 384 | From: Malibu, California, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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