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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Pregnancy Scares » Could I get pregnant by grinding? (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Could I get pregnant by grinding?
AlieeG
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Two days after I finished my period, I finished on Jan 18 this cycle was 27days long, me and my boyfriend were grinding on each other. I was on top and my panties were really wet but for most of the time he had on jeans then he pulled them down and we grinded for a short time with both of us wearing underwear. I don't know if his boxers were wet with pre cum but a little after I got off and have him oral he then masturbated himself and ejaculated. A short time later he fingered me but his hand was dry. Could I get pregnant?
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Heather
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Welcome to the boards, AlieeG. [Smile]

Have you started by looking at the easy page we have for these kinds of questions, where you can get clear answers?

Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?

[ 01-24-2014, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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AlieeG
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So what does it mean "bodily fluids"? Does that mean as long as he didn't ejaculate inside me? Or near my vagina? Because I know I was was really wet and that would be considered a bodily fluid.
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Heather
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When we talk about fluids per pregnancy, we are talking about semen. And for pregnancy to be a possibility, someone with a vagina has to be able to have DIRECT contact with that fluid, with nothing -- like a condom or clothing -- in between.

Your own lubrication isn't relevant when it comes to if there is or is not a pregnancy risk.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AlieeG
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Sorry for being difficult. So without direct contact with his semen I can't get pregnant? I was told that semen and pre ejaculation could go through clothes, is this true?
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Heather
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No worries. [Smile]

Those fluids are highly unlikely to soak all the way through your clothing, but even if they did, the sperm cells within ejaculate would be hella damaged in the process. So, no, if someone told you pregnancy can happen when people are dressed, that is not true.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AlieeG
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I'm just so worried [Frown] All of this is so scary. I don't think I'm ready for any of this and a lot of girls at my have been getting pregnant. I'm just so scared I could be next and I don't want to disappoint my family:( It's going to be a while until my period comes [Frown]
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Heather
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You can be sure that anyone getting pregnant has become so via consensual intercourse or sexual assault that involved intercourse, as those are the ways people become unintendedly pregnant.

Pregnancy isn't something that chooses people at random: it is something that happens from very specific things and circumstances. Dry humping is not one of those.

But it does sound like you have discovered that you don't feel ready to be sexual like this, given how you are feeling, so moving forward, I'd suggest you trust your own heart and mind when you say you don't feel ready and opt out until you do, okay?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AlieeG
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I want to stop but all of this happened because honestly I was just caught up in the moment [Frown] and now I feel gulity because I can't tell anyone and all I can do now is wait [Frown]
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Heather
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It's going to be okay, really.

Not being able to talk to anyone about it though does tend to make a person feel more scared and awful. Can you think of anyone at all in your life you can safely talk to? A friend, a family member, a friend's parent, a teacher or nurse, a coach....? Who do you talk to about other big things in your life?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Molias
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Well, maybe it'll help to go ahead and talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling now, and be clear about what activities you are and aren't comfortable with in the future.

You might also find these articles helpful in terms of talking with him and making decisions about your comfort level:
Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast
When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)

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AlieeG
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Honestly telling my parents it's definitely out of the question because I'm dating my boyfriend secretly...I've never reached out to anyone I've always kept it all bottled all up...I feel so stupid for not thinking, while we doing what we did I kept asking myself "Am I ready?" & thinking "We should stop" but I kept going..
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Heather
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So, sounds like you're finding out that bottling and secretiveness isn't going to work for you. It won't for pretty much anyone.

Who can you think of who you CAN talk to and reach out to? Again, what about a friend, a member of your extended family, a teacher, a nurse, a friend's parent you like...?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AlieeG
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I think I could talk to our school nurse but I'll have to wait till Monday, but I am 100% FOR SURE that I'm gonna set boundaries that me and my boyfriend are NOT going to continue any type of sexual activity
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Heather
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So, over the weekend, you can put some effort into self-care, whatever things you find help you calm down and feel better when you're stressed or upset.

And setting those limits will likely also help with that. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AlieeG
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Yeah. I just have to chill take a breath and just wait.
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Sam W
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That sounds like a good plan.

If you'd like some self care ideas, you can find them hear: Self-Care a La Carte

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AlieeG
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Ok. Thanks I'll be sure to give an update
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AlieeG
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I'm soo stupid! ;( I did it again..now I'm worried out of my mind. I'm an emotional wreck and I just feel like throwing up ;(
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Redskies
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I'm sorry to hear you feel bad.

Was this something which you were enthusiastically consenting to - that is, which you fully wanted to do and played an active part in yourself?

Did you talk with your boyfriend about being worried and wanting to slow down? How did that conversation go?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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AlieeG
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At first I was scared but then I completely forgot about telling him we can't anymore [Frown] only this time he just fingered me after finishing himself. I feel so stupid [Frown] I mean all I had to do was say no and all of this wouldn't have happened [Frown]
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Redskies
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I think there's often a lot too much pressure on people, particularly young people, particularly young women, to "just say no". Please don't beat yourself up about that. Sometimes, we don't always make the best decisions, and then we look back and have perfect hindsight - it happens, we're human.

You said you were scared at first. Did you think of telling your boyfriend you were scared? -and if you didn't think of it - or you did, but decided not to - do you know why?

The only thing that I can hear has happened is that you feel bad about doing something you don't feel ready for. By all means, that can feel like a very big and unpleasant thing. Can you tell me what you mean by "all of this"?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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AlieeG
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In my mind I kept thinking "Ok this is as far as we can go." "Don't go to far." "Maybe we should stop." "Is this safe?" "Could I get pregnant?" I didn't say anything because I was to nervous to say anything I couldn't bring myself to say it..if I would've said that we should stop I wouldn't be worrying about can I be pregnant..in the past we had unprotected sex but I never got pregnant and it really scared me and I freaked really bad and my boyfriend kinda got upset because he kept saying I'm not there's no way and I couldn't believe him because I was so scared..so after I got my period we stopped having sex..
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Redskies
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Why were you nervous about speaking up?

Any time someone has intercourse, there is some chance of pregnancy. If they're using two methods of contraception, it's a really tiny chance; if intercourse was unprotected, it's a chance that can reasonably happen. So, when your boyfriend said "no way" - unless that was months after intercourse and you'd been having periods - he was wrong. What did him being upset look like?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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AlieeG
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I don't know..I just couldn't...and I even took a pregnancy test and a regular period..and he just stared at me and kept asking "Don't you trust me?" And I'm just so scared because if I am I don't know what my parents would do to me because they're really strict and I'm just so scared..
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Redskies
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Let's deal with the second part of your post first. You said you were grinding with clothes on, and you had manual sex. What do our materials say about the pregnancy risk - or lack of risk - from those?

I don't understand why your boyfriend thought you trusting him, or not, was relevant. Can you explain that to me?

With our sexual health and pregnancy risks, trusting someone isn't a particularly useful framework. We need to know and understand scientific and medical facts ourself so that we can make the decision that feels best to us. If we're having fears that contradict scientific facts, trusting someone also won't help with that, because those fears are clearly not based in a medical reality, but something else.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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AlieeG
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That pregnancy is a low risk and from what our school nurse,who is a registered nurse who has worked in a OBGYN office, pregnancy is at a very low to no risk if there wasn't any ejacualtion. Well whenever he said that he would always say "Dont you trust me? Don't you know I would never do anything to hurt you or to ruin your life? I know what I'm doing."
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AlieeG
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I'm trying to think about what makes more "sense". Like I'm trying to tell myself If I didn't get pregnant from unprotected sex and from him fingering me the same way he has these last two times, then how can I get pregnant now. I'm trying to stay calm but I worry and stress a lot and I can't calm down unless I get my period.
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Redskies
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As you can see in our material Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That? , grinding with clothes on and manual sex have No risk of pregnancy.

It's good for your boyfriend that he knows what he's doing. I'll say that again: it's good For Him. What about you? You have a right - we all do - to have the feelings that we have and to not do something with our bodies that we don't feel comfortable doing. We have a right to feel uncomfortable about something with our own body or about any level of risk, and that doesn't say anything about whether we care about or trust someone else, because the feeling is about our own body, not about them.

And really, if he thought there was no pregnancy risk after unprotected sex, that strongly suggests he may not know as much as he thinks he does.

I wonder if you didn't feel able to speak up about being scared because your boyfriend isn't leaving you a comfortable space for you to say that you're scared? When someone truly cares for us, cares what we think and how we feel, they don't try to persuade us not to be scared just because they say it's ok. It sounds as if he's trying to take all the responsibility and control around pregnancy risks and your sexual activity, and I'm not surprised you still feel scared. One big thing we usually need in order not to feel scared any more is to know that We're in control of our own decisions, and he's taking that further away from you.

It's also really not realistic, ever, for someone to say that they will never hurt us. It's just not something anyone can promise, and it's not something anyone should promise. It's never smart or healthy to trust another person more than we trust our own self, and anyone asking for that kind of trust is actively not caring best for us right there and then. If you were uncomfortable or unsure of your boyfriend saying those things to you, your instincts were working well for you.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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AlieeG
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I'm sorry for being difficult but Im still scared [Frown] but is there any way for you to help me start the conversation with my boyfriend to stop? And to actually stick with it, I know that it all dependsd on how strong I stand in my decision, but can you give me any advice?
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Redskies
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It's ok, AlieeG, you're not being difficult. Instead, I think you're trying to deal with something difficult.

It shouldn't just be about you being strong in holding your decision. When someone cares about us and we tell them something we need for our own self, they should support us in that decision and help us do what we need to do.

How does your boyfriend usually respond when you tell him something you need and ask for his support? If he says he'll support you, does he follow through and do things that are supportive of you?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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AlieeG
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He always asks me to tell him everything and if I can't that its okay. I can tell him when I'm ready. He tries to help me take my mind off of things and make me laugh.
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Robin Lee
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Do you feel like your boyfriend would also take you seriously if you told him you needed something, like to absolutely tstop doing the sexual activities that make you nervous?

It's really awesome when our partners can make us laugh, but also just as awesome when they listen to us and do what they can to help us not worry any more, not just by trying to help us forget things, but by helping us make changes that will be helpful.

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Robin

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Edith_*
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Hello there AlieeG! Hope you don't mind if I pop-in and give you my 20 cents. [Smile]

You know? I think that whenever we have something in our mind is because we usually need to pay attention to that. For example, let's say you have a headache. Maybe you can try to think about something else but at the end of the day the headache is still there, right? And maybe instead of just trying to "take your mind off your headache" the best thing to do is find out why you have it and how can you help yourself with that.

So, what I am trying to say is, maybe, instead of ignoring the way you feel about sex, what about talking about what you need to feel better? Sex is not about just one person strong enough to stick to a decision, is about *everyone* involved coming to an agreement where *everyone* involved feels safe and happy with whatever they agreed to do. [Smile]

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"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it " (...'cause no one else will) -Gandhi-

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AlieeG
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Yeah he would its just i can't bring myself to bring it up but I chicken out [Frown]
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