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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Who I am

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Author Topic: Who I am
Emmy Bear Leider x
Member # 108233

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I just thought I would jump on and tell you about me and mine [Smile]

I am a 25 year old mother of 2 beautiful Daughter's who are 4 and 2, I am in a wonderful and loving relationship with someone I honestly didn't know could ever exist and I couldn't be happier. But sadly my life hasn't always been so perfect.

Starting from the age of 6 years old I have been sexually, verbally and mentally abused by my family, friends and partners, basically all the people we assume will be there to guide and support us through life are the ones who used and abused me and made me feel like life for me meant being treated like a sex slave and made feel like that's the only reason I was born.

At 13 I started self harming and that became on of my biggest vices in coping with my everyday life. At this stage I was being sexaully assaulted both at school and at home. I was stuck and no where was safe. I went to school and I just lost all control and I ran outside and onto the tennis courts promptly followed by my teacher I found a piece of glass on the ground and began cutting my wrist. Safe to say after that I was put into counselling.

From the ages of 16-18 is the only time I can remember where I felt like a normal person, no abuse, no self harm. I was me. I was in counselling for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Attacks and my Abuse, Three days a week with three different specialists and for 2 years I was happy.

What a pity just a few months after turning 18 I lost any sense of who I was. When I was 18 I went clubbing with some girlfriends and I saw a guy I went to school with. Cutting the details out. I was raped and left in a back alley with no clue where I was, or where my friends were. After that I left any resemblance of myself in that alley and to this day I know I won't get it back. The relationship I was in at the time of my assault ended and I was left to cope on my own. For months I struggled to even leave my house, social gatherings proved too much and my panic attacks were in full swing. I felt like I was nothing.

At 20 I met a guy called Jake and at first I thought he was the bees knees, how quickly that changed. He went out one night drinking and he came home and of course he wanted to have some fun. Sadly I didn't but in his eyes I was his girlfriend so that's why i was there. I had no choice and I was held down and made to obey him. 6 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I pushed down any resentment I had towards him and anger and I focused my attention on my baby. In May of 2009 I gave birth to the love of my life, a beautiful baby girl I called Nikki. Once she was born my emotional battle was ignored so she never had to see my daily struggle within myself to enjoy life. Sadly that didn't last and she has seen me at my weakest but she has been my biggest rock and inspiration to getting better.

In April of 2008 I had surgery for endometriosis and sadly since the birth of my second Daughter in December of 2011 my pain has magnified and daily tasks have become almost impossible.

Currently I am in a long distance relationship with someone I can only describe and someone who has been taken from the pages of the greatest love story ever written and I am still coming to terms with the fact someone actually treats me like a human being. He is sweet, caring, wonderful. He has seen me at my weakest both emotionally and physically and has never once made me feel worthless. He stays on the phone with me for hours while I am in pain until he knows I am ok and if I am upset he waits until I am laughing before he says goodbye. It's a daily struggle to get used to someone as genuinely caring and supportive without questioning it and waiting for him to finally give up like everyone else has done before. But I know in my heart he won't leave and that at the moment is the one of the main reasons I wake up everyday with determination to fight to keep my head up and not be overcome with grief and anger.

I am so glad I am apart of this community and I am looking forward to becoming involved in the discussions.

And that's Me, in my crazy and messed up but slowly getting perfect world [Smile]


Emmy Bear Leider x

Posts: 4 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Welcome to the boards, Emmy!

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Emmy Bear Leider x
Member # 108233

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Thank-you Heather <3

Emmy Bear Leider x

Posts: 4 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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