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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » my other story.

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Author Topic: my other story.
foreverbroken
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So before I post this. I have not told ANYONE. I have not reported it. I cant now. I am very terrifyied and afraid he is doing this to his daughter now. I know that it was my fault that this happened and I know i asked for it. If he is doing this to his daughter its all my fault and am letting this happen to her. I really need someone to read my story and really listen and help me with what i ve gone thro when i was 8 and then a few times from someone else thro m childhood, every semester at college and most recent was March. All different men. I did report my last one. I did also the other ones at school, got laughed at and said i was making it all up. So thats why its taken me soooo long to share the time when i was 8. and i have not yet said anything about the times when i was 5,10,12,14,16,17. So here goes nothing. Here is my story when i was 8. I really need advice, a listening ear, idk honestly.

When i was 8 i was being babysat by a family that we were friends with. The father was a cop. His son who was about 16 or 17 at the time brought me in his room. Closed the door and started touching me with my pants on. Then he took off my pants and started touching me and rubbing me down there he even put his finger and some sort of object in me.

This went on for about 10mn and then he took me into his closet and pulled down his pants and made me give him a hand jon is what its called i think,then he went on his knees and began to lick me and put his tounge inside of me. I never said anything or did anything either.

This part went on for another 10-15mn. After he was done doing that to me he made me put his penis in my mouth and made me suck and bite him. He also began kissing me with tounge. I did not know what to do so i let him do it. I do not know if what happened to me was a "bad" thing or not.

I know its my fault for not screaming or saying anything. He threatned he would harm me and harm my family if i said anything. So i was frightened and never did anything. It was all my FAuLT i was so stupid

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Im always abandond

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copper86
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I am so sorry that you had to go through this, Diamonddust. When things like abuse and assault happen, it is important to remember that it is NOT the victim's fault. Also, you were so young and he threatened you - and I've seen volunteers and staff here state (and I agree with them wholeheartedly) that a lack of response of consent (saying either "yes" or "no") does not mean you gave consent and does not give anyone the green light to do anything to you. This is not your fault in the slightest.

Have you considered talking to a therapist or psychologist about this? Even talking to a trusted friend or relative could help. Are you still in college? There are most likely college counsellors and health services on-campus - you can search for them online or ask a professor.

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I wish there was something more I could do for you. Please know that this is not your fault, and that there is an option to talk about your story to a professional if that is something you choose to do. Take care!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Hey DiamondDust, please know that this is not your fault, you did not get yourself into that situation and if this horribel person is doing anything bad to his daughter it is not your fault but his. Not reporting what he did to you does not make it your fault. Not having screamed does not make it your fault. It is very, very common for survivors of abuse, sexual assault and rape to blame themselves but it is never the victim's fault. Imagine that 8 year old was not you, but some other child you have never met before, but beyond that the scenario was identical: would that child be to blame? Of course not, you aren't to blame.

What in person support do you have diamond dust for dealing with this and the other things you have discussed on Scarleteen? While we are here for you, there is only some much support we can provide via the internet. Having in-person support would help you in many ways. Have you ever spoken to a counsellor?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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foreverbroken
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I want to see a conselor. I have to find one first and my school does have conseling, however its not free nor is it cheap. Its like 150 each session. So i am looking into finding inperson help.

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Im always abandond

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copper86
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Would it be possible to speak to a counselor about fees or if there are any rates for students on varying incomes? You can even ask the counselors if they know of any other counseling services near the college that have in-person help that is affordable for you.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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foreverbroken
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i am looking into ones that have sliding scale fee. I am sorry to all on this website.

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Im always abandond

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moonlight bouncing off water
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No appology is required. It is because I know it will help you, not out of exasperation for you being here, that I suggest you seek additional help.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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foreverbroken
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ya i know that. [Smile] i am appologizing because i feel like a burden to everyone on this site.

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Im always abandond

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copper86
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You are most certainly not a burden! Do you see the number of posts I've made? Probably over two hundred have been posts asking about health questions! Lol. No one is a burden or inconvenience - you're a great and caring person, and as Moonlight said, we're only directing you to in-person help because it could help you. I spoke to my university's Chaplain and doctors often, and I found that that in-person help was greatly beneficial.

Please don't feel as if you are a burden. We love talking with you! I hope you feel better soon! Please continue to keep us posted and let us know if we can help in any way.

[ 08-24-2012, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: copper86 ]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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foreverbroken
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Member # 96418

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Thanks. Ya i know in person help is what I need. I have to dind a way to pay for it tho. [Frown] I am also going to talk with my RA, she seems really nice.

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Im always abandond

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Redskies
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Hi diamonddust. I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you, and so sorry to hear that some people you've tried to tell about things before didn't believe you. Sometimes some people are not very good at believing things like this, or they don't want to believe it. That's wrong of them, and they should do better.

Just like copper and moonlight said above, it wasn't your fault. You didn't ask for it. Many people of all ages don't scream or say anything if something like this happens to them: sometimes they're too scared, like you, or sometimes they're too shocked or confused, or sometimes people really don't know how to say anything. It's not your fault that you didn't say anything, because that 16-year-old threatened and scared you into not saying anything. It's his fault you didn't say anything, not yours.

It's your right to decide whether what happened to you was a bad thing or not, because you're the person it happened to. You have the right to have whatever thoughts and feelings you have about it. What I can tell you is that that 16-year-old was wrong to do what he did. No 16-year-old should do that kind of thing, or try to do that kind of thing, with an 8-year-old, because 8-year-olds and 16-year-olds are at very different developmental stages. When we're 8, 16-year-olds seem very adult and mature, and we're used to doing what older people tell us.

I do understand about you being worried about his daughter, but as moonlight said above, if he's doing something wrong, that is his fault and responsibility, not yours. When we've experienced something like this, it's important to take care of our own well-being first and get the help and support we need. Sometimes, people do find that trying to make sure other people are safe is something that they feel good about doing, but usually that's only when we already feel strong and supported in our own self. It sounds like the most important thing for you right now is to get some support and help.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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foreverbroken
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Member # 96418

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I was sexually assualted/raped 10 times in my life. I am terrified. I have not told anyone about the 7 other times. I have kept those in and want to say something, but I am too terrified I will get in trouble. I am going to be looking into conseling. I have one lined up already. I know the facts that its not my fault but, yet I still feel like it is. He has a daughter who may be going thro this every night. I am resonposible or that. I feel like I am doing the crime to her. I want to say thanks for reading my story and commenting on it.

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Im always abandond

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Robin Lee
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HI Diamond,

I am very sorry this happened to you. No, it wasn't your fault. It's very common for people to freeze when faced with a threatening situation. As a child, you were probably just as confused as you were scared.. No one worth their salt expects a child to be able to protect themselves.

WE've talked in other threads about you getting counselling. Where are you at with that?

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Robin

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foreverbroken
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Member # 96418

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I am getting counselling soon. I cant wait. I feel lost. I dont know, why was it that i got treated like this more then once? Am i asking for this?

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Im always abandond

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Redskies
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diamonddust, you are absolutely not asking for this.

It isn't uncommon for a person to have experienced more than one abuse, or more than one abuser. Sometimes that's just bad luck. What can happen, though, is that the first person who abuses us teaches us that we should do what they say, that we have to do what they say. They can convince us that they really care about us and they're not really hurting us. Particularly if this happens when we're a child, this is very confusing for us, and although we might feel inside that something is wrong with this, we find it hard to know what is wrong and we doubt ourselves, because as a child we're used to doing what other, older, people say.

Then, if we have the misfortune to come across another abusive person, they find it easier to get us to do what they want because we've already been trained by the first person. We begin to learn that what we want for our own bodies doesn't matter, and we can learn that we don't have the right to have our wishes and bodies respected. We can learn that being treated like that is normal, that we can't expect anything else. This is all the fault of the people who are harming us, not our fault. The people who harm us deliberately teach us those things so that they can go on harming us and so that we're less likely to tell someone about it.

You are not responsible for anything the 16-year-old might be doing to his daughter. It's fairly common for us to feel responsible in that way, but we really aren't. The responsibility lies solely with the person who is doing the abusing. As human beings, we do have a responsibility to try to take care of other people, but there's a hugely important thing about that: only when we can. When we've been hurt by someone, usually we can't speak out about it, as you've experienced. When you or anyone else can't speak out about what happened to us, we are not responsible for trying to take care of anyone else.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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foreverbroken
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thanks he is not 16 now he is like 28 or something like that. I feel bad and i dont know what to do. I am sick of getting yelled at by a certain volanteer on this website, makes me feel like i dont belong here and shouldnt be around [Frown]

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Im always abandond

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Redskies
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I realised that he would be older now, I was just using the age that he was when he did those things as a way of identifying him - I'm sorry if I confused you or gave you the wrong impression.

I honestly don't see anywhere where someone yelled at you. People do have different communication styles, and some people's styles aren't going to suit us or work very well for us. Volunteers do sometimes make requests, and that simply means that so long as we do as they ask, we're very welcome here. If the way the request was made didn't feel good to you, I think that's simply one of those things that happens between people occasionally. I know that it's important to you that people like you and that you've had bad experiences before, but it's just one of those things that sometimes communication from another person isn't going to feel good, and that's something that we need to learn to accept.

I think that what happened with the other user on your thread was probably a mistake. The volunteers here do ask that users start their own threads to ask for help, exactly because of what happened in your thread. Volunteers try to ask users when we make a mistake like that, just as you were asked, but the site is very busy and understaffed, and I think that probably the mistake was seen in the other user's thread but not in yours. I don't think it would have been anything personal about you.

I do agree that getting some in-person help as soon as you're able would be helpful for you. It's also very normal to feel bad after experiencing the things you've described, and I'm sorry to hear you feel bad, and I do wish that you may feel better as soon as possible.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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foreverbroken
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Member # 96418

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thanks ya it was one of them and i tried talkint to them and they dont seem to care. I will ignore them. I am welcome here and thats what I am going to do. stay here

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Im always abandond

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I am strongly uncomfortable with one of our volunteers being misrepresented here by you, diamonddust.

Jenn replied to you and invested her own time in doing so, and she replied to you with care.

As well, our volunteers here are part of how we run the boards, and it's not okay for users to plan on ignoring them: everyone here needs to bear them in mind, and pay attention to what they say when they moderate threads.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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Member # 96418

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I was not talking about her it was someone else. Im sorry for everything i have said in the past few posts. I did not mean them and I am sorry if i hurt anyone. [Frown] that was not my intention

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Im always abandond

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