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Author Topic: More weird stuff. I really really need to talk...
Jemima7777
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Hello again,
I need to talk about very difficult stuff and since it did me so much good last time... I thought I would start a new thread and discuss it here.
When I was about 15 and celebrating my grandmotherís birthday with my family, my uncle suddenly dropped his pants and showed his penis to everyone. It was disgusting.
He insisted that my mom look at his penis and go into the pool with him. She looked at his penis but she didnít join him in the pool. I was horrified and burst into tears. He, the uncle, that is, said that it was about time that I saw how men were made, that he was going to show me. I was hysterical and locked myself in the sauna. My mother came to me and I begged her to get us both out of there. She was a little concerned but she did nothing. At some point, he got dressed and I got out...
But man was that awful and perverse. It was my uncle for godís sake. He has no right to decide itís about time I see a manís penis, especially not HIS... What kind of twisted mind does that anyway? What horrifies me even more in my motherís lack of reaction. She was afraid to start a fight, so she didnít protect me. She pretended like nothing happened, even though she hated it too. I hate her for that...
The other situation I wanna talk about is about my ex-boyfriend. I went out with him when I was 16. (Iím 23 now) We had been dating for 3 weeks and I had told him repeatedly that I was not ready for sexual intercourse. He said it was fine. But then he invited me to sleep over at his house while his parents were gone. I said yes even though I knew his parents didnít want me staying for the night. We were on his bed. He started to take off my clothes. I told him I didnít want that. He got really mad and told me I was mean. I was completely petrified. I had to use all my strength to say no to him. My self-esteem and confidence were terrible. And now he was mad... I wanted to leave but I didnít have the guts... How I regret it today. He pouted for a few minutes and then, completely out of the blue, he threw himself at me and started crying. He said he didnít deserve me, and that he was sorry. And then, Iím not sure how or when, he slipped from being sorry to taking off my clothes again and whispering things like: ĎíItís okay...íí I was so distressed; I didnít know what to do. I thought maybe I was wrong to not want sexual intercourse with him. So I let him undress me without saying a word, even though it felt like he was assassinating me. I donít even think I moved. Then he undressed himself and I saw his penis. I was so not ready to see his penis. I did not want to see his penis... And he whispered: ĎíItís just a human body...íí
How disgusting I find this whole thing... I canít bear to think that he manipulated me, that he did not love me one bit... He just wanted sex, good sex. He just wanted to see me naked. He had no interest in my feelings... I hate him so much... That event destroyed me and made me think I was nothing but a whore. That I had to be a whore to be loved... It lasted a few years... Me behaving like a whore I mean... I feel depressed when I think about him and what he did to me...

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You hold the mightiest weapon of all.

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coralee
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Hi Jemima7777, I'm so sorry about what happened to you. What your uncle did was extremely inappropriate and, given your age of 15 at the time, might even be considered sexual abuse. In any case it was disgusting and he could have been charged with indecent exposure or a similar crime, at least here in the U.S.

Your ex-boyfriend did not respect your lack of consent, and what he did to you was definitely sexual assault or rape. You have every right to your feelings of anger, hate, and depression. I think you are very courageous to talk about all this.

What can I or other Scarleteen volunteers or users do to help you? Have you read these articles yet:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/blinders_off_getting_a_good_look_at_abuse_and_assault

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/dealing_with_rape

These articles may be triggering, but I, as a sexual assault survivor, have also found them very helpful. I want to point out a quote in the second article that helped me very much and I hope will help you too:

"William Blake, in the late 1700's, wrote a piece entitled Visions of the Daughters of Albion. At the time, the premise of this piece was revolutionary: Oothoon, a woman in love with Theotormon, is raped by another, Bromion, and despite Theotormon's feelings she is "spoiled," she boldly asserts otherwise. Oothoon -- and Blake -- states clearly that she is incapable of being spoiled, ruined or sullied by the action of others upon her, in which she had no part or engagement with. Thankfully, others have also finally begun to realize this is so."

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Redskies
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Hi Jemima7777. I'm sorry to hear that these things happened to you. I agree with what coralee says above. Both your uncle and your ex-boyfriend were very wrong to do what they did.

In addition to that: it sounds like your mother did not protect you, and yes, she was responsible for that, and you have every right to feel anger about that. I would also suggest, from what you said above, that your mother was also on the receiving end of your uncle's unacceptable, unwanted, and probably quite frightening behaviour, and perhaps did not know how to or was too scared to protect herself or you. I'm sorry that your mother didn't want to or wasn't able to acknowledge it afterwards; that's clearly not the response you needed or that most people would need. I would suggest that she may have been affected by your uncle's behaviour, too, and like many people, didn't know how to deal with that other than to try to ignore or forget it. I would also put some responsibility on some of the other people who were there, people who perhaps were not personally targeted or threatened by your uncle's behaviour, who would have been in a stronger position to do something about it. Your uncle, however, is ultimately responsible for the effect on you of what he did, because he was the one who did it.

With regard to how you felt about yourself after the actions of your then boyfriend, I realise that you're describing how you felt about yourself, and I do think we should be free to do that, however we feel. I would say, though, that generally, we don't use the word "whore" here, because it's used to make negative judgement about a certain kind of sexual behaviour and to harm people who take part in, or are assumed to take part in, certain sexual behaviour. We don't want to, and we won't, judge anyone for any sexual choices (that don't involve abusing any other person, that is). What we Do think is important is how people feel about their choices and how they feel about their own sexual behaviour, and if those choices appear to be healthy for mind, body and soul. You're expressing some very strong negative feelings about yourself and your sexual behaviour following your ex-boyfriend's actions. Would it help you to talk about that?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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copper86
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Hi, Jemima7777. I'm so sorry to hear what had happened to you. Firstly, no one has any right to show you anything without your consent; especially a family member. I'm sorry that your mother did not protect you - your uncle sounds manipulative and controlling of people around him. She was scared, correct? That just sounds like a horrible situation... And I can't believe he did that at your grandmother's birthday party, with other people there... That's just sick, no matter who saw.

You should not think negatively about yourself regarding what had happened with your ex-boyfriend. Not being ready for sex, not wanting to see someone's genitals, and not wanting to give into them does not mean you are a bad person. You have limits you set for yourself; and if someone crosses them, you have every right to stand your ground and say "no." And I understand that if you do give in, you feel bad about yourself; but you have to remember that you were coerced and frightened. When I get frightened and nervous - and I'm sure this happens to other people, too - I sometimes don't always act rationally, and if I know what I want to do (i.e. say "no" or leave, or defend myself verbally), sometimes I'm afraid to do it. Those kinds of things happen. Also, though that must hurt you a lot, it might help if you remember that it is in the past, and it is therefore something you cannot change; but you can always change your response should a similar event occurs in the future. I know it sucks that you can't change what happened; but you can definitely make positive changes now to make sure you are never in that position again. If you ever feel at all threatened, there is nothing "bad" about saying "no." Your ex-boyfriend crossed your boundaries and made you feel horrible about yourself later - that is his doing and his fault, not yours. Try not to blame yourself for that.

You seem like a very brave and strong person; but we all need someone to lean on for help and comfort every now and then. Do you have a close friend or relative you can talk to; or a therapist to confide in? I am in no way trying to advocate for religion here; but even if you just walk into a church and talk to a pastor, they could give you helpful (and free) comfort and advice. Talking to someone in-person - be it a friend, therapist, or someone else - might be of help. Verbally and physically getting the words out might make you feel like you're "letting them out" - it might make you feel better.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Redskies
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(Just felt it was important to say, yes, some pastors are absolutely excellent, wise and informed, and if someone wanted to talk to a pastor, they should go ahead; however, pastors may not have any training or knowledge around abuse or assault issues, and those pastors may not serve someone with those needs well. If any of us have an idea in our head about who we want to talk to, that's likely a really good lead; if we don't have a lead, but feel we'd like someone with some kind of listening/support training, my first suggestion would be to consider a specialist abuse or assault centre or hotline.)

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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copper86
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You have a good point, Redskies! [Smile]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Redskies
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copper, I think I know where you're coming from, but I think there's something else important here.

Jemima, I wouldn't describe what you wrote above as you "giving in". Your ex-boyfriend very clearly manipulated you into getting what he wanted. When that happens to us, it's not really us "giving in", because it's not a free choice we're making. When it's someone close to us, like a boyfriend, naturally, we trust them when they say our wishes are important to them and that they'll respect our wishes, and we believe that they care about us the same way as we care about them. Usually, that's a situation that they have very deliberately set up, because they know we wouldn't let them close enough for them to harm us if we didn't trust them. Them setting up this situation of trust is as much a part of the harm they do to us as the actual act or actions are.

It's also not something that we should feel bad about 'because we should have known better' or 'should have been able to defend ourselves better'. Someone so manipulative is very likely to find a way in to hurt us no matter what we do. Someone so manipulative will set up whatever situation is necessary, no matter how long it takes them, so they can get what they want. That's not something that we can or should ever blame ourselves for or feel responsible for in the slightest.

Jemima, you said "I had told him repeatedly that I was not ready for sexual intercourse." and "I told him I didnít want that." and "I had to use all my strength to say no to him." You did everything you could, and you made yourself very, very clear. You have nothing to regret. He very deliberately harmed you.

What I think copper is meaning is, we Can do things that help to protect us a little, although it isn't as simple as just managing to get out of that situation in the moment we were in it - if we could've, we would've. What protecting ourselves a little looks like is working on our confidence and self-worth so that we know that we deserve better treatment than a manipulative person gives us. Informing ourselves a little about healthy relationships and consent so that we have more chance of recognising a person who is crossing our boundaries, and feeling stronger in defending our boundaries. Working on and healing from the ways in which our boundaries have been crossed in the past, because if we've experienced our boundaries being crossed, we can become trained in accepting this and not know that we have the right, or how to, insist that our boundaries are respected - and that isn't our fault, but the fault of the people who crossed our boundaries in the first place.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Jemima7777
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Hello,
Thank you so much for your replies. It did me so much good!

Coralee, thank you for those articles. I noticed them when I was navigating on the web site but hadnít had the guts to read them. I will however, and very soon. To answer your question, just having you here, telling me how normal and good I am, and confirming how disgusting and abnormal my uncleís and ex-boyfriendís behaviors are, is everything. Some of things youíve written I already know, sometimes without knowing that I knew it, but hearing it from someone else is fantastic. And some of the things youíve written I hadnít seen that way and it gets me thinking, and relieved.
And I really like that quote. For so long Iíve felt spoiled, stained by all these behaviors... Reading this I realize how it must not be. I remember being very afraid of telling my actual boyfriend that I had been abused. I thought he was going to find ME disgusting... Which of course he didnít.

Redskies, youíre so right when you say how the rest of the family is blamable. I feel that way too... I grew up with them and I can attest they are poison. When my mother told her mother she had been abused by her brother (the very same who showed his penis to everyone, surprise, surprise!!) she blamed her and told her to forget about it. She kept inviting him and insisting on her children being reunited no matter what... I cannot express how much I HATE her. Iíve ended the relationship with them a few months ago.
I am sorry about the word whore. I didnít mean to judge or insult anyone who is comfortable with sex and like to have some. I will not use it here.
What I meant was that after that event, like right after, the very same evening, we went swimming in his pool, naked. I started acting so comfortable and happy, which I was not. I think, in some way, I was very relieved that the awful part where he took off my clothes was over. And I was relieved to have finally seen my partnerís naked body, like it was out of the way. I was feeling something like ĎíNow itís over, I can forget about my distress and my anxiety and have fun! He was right, itís nothing after all!íí I donít know what I was thinking... I feel so angry when I think about it... I know I wasnít feeling that way for real, but it felt real... I think I was hurting so much that that was some sort of emergency response. Some way I had found to prevent myself dying of panic and grief.
And then, after that, I kept up the pretense. For nine months. I went out with him for nine months and I still canít believe it... The first time we had sex went like this. We had been shopping at the mall and we were on our way back to my house. Empty of course. He asked this very biaised question, in a way that made me feel bad to give him the Ďíwrongíí answer: ĎíSo, when we get home, should we have some time alone, or not?íí I said yes even though I did not want to. He pretended to be surprised and happy about Ďímy decisioníí. I realise today how manipulative it was, the whole of it. And then, when we were in my room, I thought to myself: ĎíWe just get it over and done with. Weíve done so much already. Why not have sex? Doesnít change a thing, right?íí Very romantic, I agree. So I asked him if he had a condom and he acted so surprised, even I believed him. He asked my if I was sure, knowing I would not change my mind... HE IS SO MANIPULATIVE, I canít believe this... Sorry, this is very triggering for me... Anyways, we did it, it hurt like hell, I told him to wait, he half waited and went on.
After that, I pretended to be horny all the time. I acted this terrible part in which all I wanted was sex, talking about sex, showing to everyone how I enjoyed sex, and so on. I told stories about my sex life, competed with an older friend to see who was kinkier and made jokes who disgusted me. I was not in love with him, I did not even find him attractive. I just sort of... went off my head. Of course, he was always happy to nail me and never noticed I was faking. When I didnít feel like it, he insisted until I said yes. Do I need to mention he always tried to get out of using a condom? That was what I meant when I said the word whore...
Copper86, thank you for your words. I will try harder not to blame myself for any of it... I do feel better when I think about how it could never ever happen again, how strong I am now compared to what I was before. I very rarely experienced desire to change the past. But this is definitely one of them. I know it is in the past, but I feel like Iíve lost something so precious... It breaks my heart to think that these were my first experiences with sex... Is almost maddening to think that this happened to me when none of it was my fault, so unjust... and what's worse, I know it's not my fault but I'm the one who was harming myself, a LOT, with these pretenses...
And thank you for calling me brave and strong. These qualities are everything to me. I need to make sure I never let fear stop me from protecting myself again. I did tell my boyfriend everything and he supports me. We have been dating for over a year and stopped all sexual intercourse in last October. I needed time to heal and it wasnít going so well. Iíve told friends too but I did not get into the particulars.
I am also in therapy. It is going well. Iím planning on calling a few hotlines next week. (Iím on a mission to be free from it all!)
And, lastly, redskies, thank you for this paragraphe on manipulative behavior and victimís reaction. Reading it made me realise how NONE of it was my fault, how cruel and disgusting my ex-boyfriend it, how he is the one to blame, etc. I made my relieved in some way, in a good way.

Iím so happy to be able to talk about everything here.

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You hold the mightiest weapon of all.

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Redskies
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Hi, Jemima. I'm very glad that you find it helpful to talk here.

It sounds like you've already done a number of strong things for yourself - getting therapy, realising how manipulative your ex-boyfriend was, making decisions that were good for you about sex in your current relationship. Those are all things to be proud of.

I'm sorry to hear that some of your family members were so unsupportive of people who were abused, and seemed more interested in keeping the image of a "family" together than they were in caring for individual people who needed it. Sometimes, it can be a strong choice for us to limit or cut contact with family members who are very unhealthy for us or unsupportive of us; and if that feels like the right choice for us, it's a very positive and brave choice. Personally, I very much believe in "chosen family": people we're related to get to be counted in our family if they behave like they're our family, and people who we're not related to can equally be our family if we behave that way with each other.

I think it's important to see your mother's actions, or lack of actions, around what happened that day in the context of her being abused by your uncle. Particularly when there is no family support, no-one safe to tell or protect us, as it sounds was the case for your mother, that makes it even more likely that an abused person will feel powerless and unable to do anything about abuse, just accept it and not want to talk about it. Such an unsupported person has probably learned repeatedly that they Were powerless, and that nothing they could do would make a difference, so they give up trying and just try to avoid thinking about it. That doesn't make it right that your mother didn't give you the support that you needed and asked for, and she is responsible for her own actions there, and you have every right to feel however you feel about that; but I do suspect that on your mother's part, it may have been more of a case of Couldn't give you the support, rather than Wouldn't.

It was wrong of your mother's mother to expect her daughter to carry on seeing the person who abused her and pretend nothing happened, and blame her. It's always wrong when a parent acts like that and doesn't support and/or believe a child (of any age, including adult) who discloses abuse to them.

What you describe doing and feeling after what your boyfriend did - there's a wide range of different responses that people who've been assaulted can show, and what you describe is definitely one of them. It's a way of coping with and processing what happened, a way of trying to claim back the control that was taken from us. If we feel bad about our behaviour and sexual choices, that's fair enough, and in your case, it sounds like it wasn't a way of being that you would have freely chosen for yourself, so it's not surprising that you feel bad about it. I don't think that we have to feel bad about Ourselves for having done it, though, because we acted like we did as a result of what someone else did to us, and that's not something we ever have to blame ourselves for. I don't think that there's anything about what you did that would make anyone a "whore", nothing about anything you did that is objectively a bad way to be or go about things: the problem for you is that it wasn't the right thing for you, personally. It wasn't what you truly wanted or behaviour that felt positive, healthy and freeing to you, either at the time or in hindsight.

Someone trying not to use a condom when we do want to is wrong - it's a major crossing of our boundaries, an abuse of our bodily integrity, and a disrespect of our right to choose our health and reproductive situation. Someone behaving like that with us says nothing about us, but a lot about them.

You said, "It breaks my heart to think that these were my first experiences with sex." I understand. The thing is, though, you actually have a huge choice here that you may not have realised. How you define those experiences, whether you think they were sex or not, is up to you. Among people who know a bit about abuse and assault issues, we don't consider any kind of abuse or assault as sex. Certain physical actions do not "sex" make. A huge part of sex is also what's going on in our mind, us wanting it, us freely choosing to engage in sex with partner/s of our choice. Fear and trauma aren't part of sex, but of abuse, and abuse is about power and control and not sex. It also sounds a bit corny, but "the same" physical experience feels very different when it is abuse and when it's sex, and feels like a different experience. Often, when people have healed from assault or abuse, we find that sex is a very different thing to what it had felt like before.

I do recommend reading the articles coralee linked you to, when you feel ready; I think they say things that might help you. After that, there's something else that I think might be helpful to you, particularly about understanding and coming to terms with how you felt and what you did after your ex-boyfriend's actions, but perhaps also with putting all of your experiences in context. It's actually something that another user linked to on this site. I do strongly recommend you read and process the articles coralee linked first; I also think this article might be quite tough going for you, but I think it might help. It's a woman writing very honestly about her own experiences, but with a great deal of very smart analysis, too. http://herbsandhags.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/how-i-became-rape-victim.html?spref=fb

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1443 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
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quote:
Originally posted by Jemima7777:

After that, I pretended to be horny all the time. I acted this terrible part in which all I wanted was sex, talking about sex, showing to everyone how I enjoyed sex, and so on. I told stories about my sex life, competed with an older friend to see who was kinkier and made jokes who disgusted me. I was not in love with him, I did not even find him attractive. I just sort of... went off my head. Of course, he was always happy to nail me and never noticed I was faking. When I didnít feel like it, he insisted until I said yes.

Hey, Jemima. [Smile] What you said in the paragraph highlighted above really resonated with me because I had gone through something pretty similar.

I had a teacher who always enjoyed making sexual jokes and references. He tends to favor those who would join in with him and agree with his sense of "humor"; by this I mean that he would pay more attention to them whenever they need help with class work and give them a higher mark. I took his courses for 4 years. In the first year I laughed at his jokes/references and came up with many of my own. Inside, however, I felt uncomfortable. Gradually, the only reason why I would participate is to ensure that I receive help from him and to make sure that I don't "fall out of favor", so to speak. It's kind of complicated, but he tends to think that people who don't laugh at his jokes/understand his references are either frightfully close-minded or have something wrong with them. And believe me, those who are not "in favor" with him see much more of his irritation, tiredness, etc.

So I made sure to always keep him in a good mood by engaging with his sexual jokes/references. I became increasingly disgusted with it all the more I engaged, because I realized that all of my cheeriness and supposed wittiness are pretense. If my mark didn't depend on it, I would've spoken out honestly regarding how degraded his jokes made me feel. But I was trapped in the situation and had no other option.

You, too, were stuck in a situation where someone's manipulative behavior directly affected you and your well-being. I very much agree with Redskies' statement that your behavior was a coping mechanism. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you had to behave in ways that you didn't feel comfortable with because it's safer for you to obtain his "approval" than not due to the fact that he uses coercion to emotionally manipulate you. You behaved in ways that you weren't comfortable with to avoid being targeted by his abusive, manipulative, coercive behavior.

Therefore, there's no reason for you to feel bad about it or to feel disgusted with yourself because you acted instinctively to protect and shield yourself from him. It was not something that you wanted to do. It was not something that you had a choice in, period. It was something that you were forced into in order to protect yourself, to regain a sense of control, and to avoid from being constantly emotionally manipulated by him. All of this is completely his fault, not yours.

You deserve to feel good about yourself. You are a very brave person, and as a fellow survivor of abuse, I feel proud of you for seeking out help. [Smile]

[ 07-06-2012, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: Sans ]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jemima7777
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Hello everyone,
Once again, thank you for your kind replies. It got me thinking, and feeling better about my past behaviour.
Redskies: About my mother, youíre absolutely right. She has gone through a lot and she was confused and distressed. Thatís why she didnít protect me. I know a lot about what happened to her and I understand why she behaved a certain way. Weíve been talking. Sheís really sorry. She feels guilty. Sometimes, I feel so sorry for what happened to her, and I want to hug her and tell her I love her. But at other times, when I think about all the times she didnít protect me, and even seemed indifferent to what happened to me, and, on a several occasions, actually rejected me, I just canít take it. Iím very, very angry. I know it will be okay someday but... I just canít forgive her yet.
I completely agree with what you said about my behaviour being a defense mechanism and a way of coping with the distressing situations. It WAS a desire to regain control, to have a false sense of security.
What you said about me having a huge choice I probably hadnít realised yet was so true, in several ways. I do have a choice and I had not realised it. Everything you said (And to me thereís nothing corny about it) felt true to me and made me feel liberated. I do believe that abuse and assault are about power and control, not sexuality, though I am concerned about psychotic perverts having erections at the thought of touching a child or hurting someone... And to me, sexuality is nothing like what Iíve been through. That is NOT sexuality, period. And so, in a way, I feel like a virgin. Like I havenít begun experiencing the real thing yet, and I so deserve to do that... Thank you for saying that, really.
And thank you about the article. I will read it. Iím determined.
Sans, thank you for your reply. That thing about your teacher is really awful! To think that a teacher would do that... Was it in high school, college? Did you press charge against him? In any case, Iím sorry that you had to go through that... and Iím happy that youíre moving toward well being and happiness. (Maybe youíre completely better, and wholly cured, now, I donít know. But I think when one starts a journey to get better, they start feeling better already, at least a little. Because they have the burning desire to be happy, and strong. And that is something to be ecstatic about!)
What you said about my behavior being a way to avoid being targeted by his manipulative behavior really made me realise things. It was a way of annihilating problems and confrontations. If I offered myself, he didnít have to take something forcefully from me, and so the awful situations were avoided. In a way, I chose to control the abuse... Iím always surprise to realise how much the victims, even children, understand what is at stake. Of course, I could have left him right then, instead of going out with him for NINE months! But I felt trapped. My mother had completely dysfunctional sexual behaviors and left me all the time to be with her boyfriends, the rest of the family never would have understood a thing, left alone support me in this, my father and stepmother were truly unhelpful in everything (I did tell my stepmother that I was worried about going to my boyfriendís place and be alone with him, because I wasnít ready for sexual intercourse, and she said: Well, youíve been dating for three weeks. Itís about time, isnít it?íí), and my friendships were sort of... superficial... It was so important to have sex to everyone else. I felt a little pressured and came to think I wanted it when I didnít.
Before this event, I started to feel that I wasnít in love with him, and did not want to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with him. I wanted to leave him but I felt that everyone would think me stupid, undecided and immature to start going out with a boy like that and leave him only two weeks later. I felt ridiculous. Thatís what kept me from leaving him... I try not to regret the past, and I do understand how unable I was to stand my ground, but when I think about how I almost left him and could have avoided this dreadful thing afterwards... I do feel a little pang.
After we went swimming he asked me to masturbate him. I didnít how. I didnít what to do. I started rubbing his penis. He took my hand and made me do it for a while. I went on on my own... I donít know why but Iím really ashamed of that. Iím still a little ashamed of how ignorant I was regarding everything about sex...
When I was bent forward, He used to grab my hips and bang his penis and pelvis and my butt, quite hard... I hated that so much, made me feel like an object. Which is pretty much what I was to him.
When I wanted to get dress and go do something else, after weíd had Ďísexíí, he looked devastated and said: ĎíYouíre getting dressed... ?!?íí As if I had to be naked all the time to please him... It made me sick.
There it is, more awful stuff. I hate these memories and I hate him with every fiber of my being. Iím writing it because it does so much good to me to read your comments and responses on this.

quote:
You deserve to feel good about yourself. You are a very brave person, and as a fellow survivor of abuse, I feel proud of you for seeking out help.
Thank you for these kind words. It feels good to have someone tell me this. Iím really happy that youíre getting better too.

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You hold the mightiest weapon of all.

Posts: 32 | From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
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Hey, Jemima.

I don't think that I'm completely better, or wholly cured now, no. [Smile] Quite far from it, actually. There are still many, many issues that I must address. But I've got the resolve to recover, and I hope you are also resolved to recover, because you very much deserve to heal. I've come to believe that such a resolve, in itself, is a pretty significant and powerful thing.

I'm glad that my response helped.

It is completely understandable why you would feel trapped in such a situation. You haven't received the backing and understanding you needed from your family and friends, which are usually considered important supports for someone who is/was in an abusive situation. Let me remind you that it's not a matter of "standing your ground" or simply "leaving" the abuser. It's much more complicated than that. For one, he used coercion and emotional manipulation to lay blame and responsibility on you, where, in truth, he is the one responsible and to be blamed. Example: he would cry if you refused to have sexual intercourse with him. It is completely understandable that you thought, perhaps, you were the one in the wrong when it isn't true at all, because of the numerous abusive and subtle manipulative tactics that he used.

It's not your fault. AT ALL.
Don't blame yourself. He is the one who deserves all the blame.

Yes, your family was truly unhelpful and harmful to you in that time when you really needed their support. And your stepmother was completely wrong in that there is no set length of time where it takes someone to "get ready" for sex. Everyone has the right to decide for themselves when and if they will have sex, who they will have sex with, not be held to a time limit, and not be pressured by others into having sex.

I'm glad that writing helps you. [Smile] Keep doing what helps you.

You deserve every kind word that I can give. You deserve to get better and to be happy. And I'm glad, truly, to be of help. [Smile]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jemima7777
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Hello,
Once again, thank you for your reply. I know itís been a while since I last wrote here.
This last message has also been very helpful. Telling me things like I shouldnít blame myself, like I deserve to heal completely, etc. feels really good. It feels good to have this kind of support. All of the messages here made me discover new ideas and possibility. For example, that this kind of experience, this abuse, is not sex at all. That these werenít my first sexual experiences, that I still have a chance to experience sex for the first times, etc. Also, the idea that HE is responsible for my behavior afterwards, where I was trying to avoid being coerced and all is new and exhilarating to me. It makes me feel free.
It completely revolutioned the way I think and see things. And it is not an exaggeration. I feel that Scarleteen might be the beginning of something for me, and definitely a place to come back to.
Thank you!

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You hold the mightiest weapon of all.

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Sans
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I'm so glad to hear that you feel supported. And I'm glad to be of help. [Big Grin]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Redskies
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Jemima, I'm so glad too. Those sound like some very strong and hopeful thoughts you're having. And I agree with every word of Sans' 9th July post.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Jemima7777
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[Big Grin]

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You hold the mightiest weapon of all.

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