Donate Now
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » made for it.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: made for it.
sam654
Neophyte
Member # 95684

Icon 9 posted      Profile for sam654     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
When I was 17 I lost my virginity because my sister's ex-boyfriend raped me. However, I pushed it out of my mind and tried to live pretending it never happened.
This year I am a college freshman and wanted my whole life to be different. However, one of the firsts months I was here we were hanging around in the hall and a boy I met at a party the night before saw us and was hanging with us. I was sleeping in my friends room and she asked if I wanted him to stay and I said no and she said she'd tell him to leave.
She was intoxicated and didn't ask him to leave so he was laying in bed when we got back. I am a pushover and i'd feel awful asking him to leave especially sense it wasn't my room so I laid down and tried to sleep. He kept kissing me and touching me and I'd keep pushing him off. Then he'd ask if I wanted to do anything and I'd say lets go to bed but he'd continue and i'd continue to tell him to go to bed.
Then I fell asleep and woke up to his hands in my pants. I pretended to still be asleep and turned away from him. Then he left 10 minutes later and whispered "sorry if I did anything you didn't want" and left. I felt like i'm growing because i told my friends about it which I never did when I was 17 but i also feel like this what is supposed to happen to me and it will never be different and I should always expect abuse.

Posts: 5 | From: Ohio | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Welcome to Scarleteen!

I am so so sorry to hear that happened to you. He knew very well that you didn't want it, and he went ahead anyway! You're right; that is abuse.

Yay for you for telling your friends! That was definitely a big step. It's so important to talk about any sexual abuse we've experienced, to break that secrecy and shame. You did nothing wrong. He's the one who did something wrong. How did your friends respond?

No one deserves abuse. I do understand though that when the only experiences you've had were coercive and invasive that it would feel like that's all there is.

Most colleges have counselling centers for students. How would it be, do you think, to find out about your counselling office and go to see someone to start talking about this?

How can we help you here at Scarleteen?

I don't know how much reading you've done about sexual assault, but here is an article if you think it would help you to read it right now.

Dealing With Rape

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sam654
Neophyte
Member # 95684

Icon 1 posted      Profile for sam654     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
well that's the thing we talked about him the next day and they called him a creep but nothing else was said. The other day we saw him on campus and they referred to him as the "guy that tried to rape sam" and it really hurt because they kind of spun it into a joke and only one of my friends apologized.
I feel like i wouldn't tell them at a counseling center because i'd have to really talk about it and that scares me, and it'd somehow lead to the rape and i've never ever talked about that to anyone.
You are helping just by letting me talk about it. thank you.

Posts: 5 | From: Ohio | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44338

Icon 1 posted      Profile for moonlight bouncing off water     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hello sam, I'm sorry that your friends acted that way after you shared that with them. Making it into a joke and treating it like no big deal is completely unokay on their part and it devalues (in the situation) what you experienced and are going through with this.

I don't have any personal experience with uni or college counselling centres, but I do know that they are, more often than not, trained in counselling for abuse and rape victims. They will know that discussing this is incredibly hard for many people and they will treat you accordingly. You don't have to go talk to them, but I really do suggest that you do when you're comfortable (or as comfortable as you're like to get) with the idea of going.

I'm glad that talking here has helped you and we're glad to chat. (It may take a little bit longer than usual for us to get back to you sonce Heather is away, but we will get back to you).

Is there any information in particular that would help you right now?

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 863 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I echo moonlight. That was not considerate or caring of your friends at all. It's tough to reach out to someone in person. It was strong and brave of you to do that and I'm sorry your efforts weren't met with caring and support.

The friend who apologized--do you think she's someone you could reach out to privately for more support?

We're always happy to listen and to offer support and information.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I also echo Moonlight. I have, too, been sexually abused in the past and the people who I counted on to be supportive just completely devalued my experience, so I know how much that hurts.

I would also suggest for you to talk to the counseling center when and if you're comfortable. Like Robin stated, reaching out to others for support is tough. If you don't feel like you want to do that right now, that's perfectly fine. We're here if you want to talk.

--------------------
"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sam654
Neophyte
Member # 95684

Icon 1 posted      Profile for sam654     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
What does I echo moonlight mean?

It's weird because I thought that telling them was a big deal. I would be so concerned if my friend told me that, but it didn't seem of any consequence to them and it made me think maybe I was overreacting or I was being stupid.

Robin I'm not sure if I could reach to her for support, I mean I trust her and I feel like she'll be a good listener, but if she turns me down I don't know what i'd do :/

-Sam

Posts: 5 | From: Ohio | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Oh, I just meant that I echoed (agreed with) what the user Moonlight was saying. [Smile]

It's completely understandable that you would expect the same concern from your friends that you would feel and express if someone shared this experience with you. Feeling hurt that you didn't get that consideration is a natural response.

Having an experience of sexual assault dismissed can make someone feel like it was their fault, or that no one is going to see it as a big deal. You're not the one who needs to carry the shame of this around. You did nothing wrong.


I also understand your fear of being rejected if you reached out to the friend who apologized to you.

It's up to you whether you feel ready to read this now, but we have an article on sexual assault that I'd like to share with you:

Dealing With Rape

I know that going to the counselling center feels overwhelming to you right now. There are also free sexual assault crisis hotlines. If that is a resource you'd like to have, a way to talk to a nonjudgmental person about your experiences, we can help you find a hotline in your area.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sam654
Neophyte
Member # 95684

Icon 1 posted      Profile for sam654     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
i just feel so alone. i don't know what to do with myself anymore.

thanks for speaking with me

Posts: 5 | From: Ohio | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Feeling alone is understandable. You had a traumatic experience that was brushed off by people you know and like.

What can we do to help you feel less alone? As we've mentioned, there are crisis lines for people who hav been raped. Many of them run 24 hours a day, which means you could call and talk to someone any time of the day or night.

We've also talked about getting support from your college's counselling center. What do you think about that?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
coralee
Peer Ambassador
Member # 43628

Icon 1 posted      Profile for coralee         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
sam, I'm also a survivor of sexual assault and unfortunately it happens that even when we reach out to friends, family, etc. for help they do not support and help us. It's incredibly sad but unfortunately it does happen, which can make the trauma of rape/assault feel even harder to bear. Believe me, I've been brushed off before by people I trusted and looked up to. Even counselors/therapists and hotlines can sometimes be insensitive or unhelpful to rape survivors which is very sad. However, many college counseling centers have counselors/therapists that are specifically trained/experienced in helping rape survivors. So the chances of such a counselor being helpful and supportive to you are quite good! However if you are not ready to reach out to anyone else just yet at least please know you are not alone in your experience.
Posts: 143 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44338

Icon 1 posted      Profile for moonlight bouncing off water     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
(I just wanted to note for the sake of reference that not everyone reacts as poorly as people have reacted to sam and coralee. That certainly doesn't diminish the fact that these people reacted horribly and completely de-valued what had been done to you, just that that reaction isn't the only possible reaction).

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 863 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sam654
Neophyte
Member # 95684

Icon 1 posted      Profile for sam654     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
thank you for your support. i just wanted to say that i did not by any means want to discourage people from talking about there experiences. although it isn't going well for me currently I have to this day never talked about my rape and it kills me, and even though my friends aren't being totally supportive with the incident that recently happened i'm still glad i told someone.

just by talking to me I feel a little less alone so thank you. i just wish i had the courage to sit down and speak with someone but right now i'm too scared. i know it's stupid but I'm afraid to hear that it was my fault.

Posts: 5 | From: Ohio | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by sam654:

just by talking to me I feel a little less alone so thank you. i just wish i had the courage to sit down and speak with someone but right now i'm too scared. i know it's stupid but I'm afraid to hear that it was my fault.

Hey, sam. I totally hear you when you express how difficult it is for you to sit down with someone and talk about it. I've been through a situation very similiar several years ago when I finally decided that I was going to open up and tell others that my stepfather sexually abused me.

When I came out and told someone that my stepfather had sexually abused me, I was scared to death that I'll be the one sent to prison, not him. I thought that I was to blame for the abuse. But, in reality, that's not true at all. All the professionals whom I spoke to regarding the abuse were so supportive. They took extra care to make it clear to me that it was not my fault.

It's not your fault. And I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. It really, truly, 100% is NOT your fault. And anyone who tells you that it is your fault is completely wrong. I understand that you're afraid to speak out. And that's okay. It's perfectly natural to be scared to talk about something that is hurting you deeply. You're not stupid at all. The truth is, you get to decide who you want to tell. You don't have to tell anyone about this if you don't want to/feel not ready to.

I'm just going to give you a bit of perspective on counsellors (btw, I am currently seeing one). They are professionals trained to handle situations like yours. They have heard cases like yours before. Their role is to be supportive, encouraging, and non-judgmental. If they blame you, they are not qualified to be counsellors.

And we're here for you too. I cannot emphasize that enough. As long as you want to talk, as long as you need our support, we'll be here for you. On days when you just need to vent and get it all off your chest, we'll be here to listen. I'm glad that you feel supported 'cause that's what we are here for. [Smile]

It's okay to be scared. But know that there are people here and out there who will support you. Once again, it's 100% not your fault. The blame lies with the one who hurt you, not you.

Take care of yourself. I really hope that you feel better about all of this, 'cause you deserve to feel good about yourself and not guilty or ashamed. [Smile]

Yours Truly

[ 05-14-2012, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: SansNom ]

--------------------
"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3