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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Sexually assaulting an ex?

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Author Topic: Sexually assaulting an ex?
pillowcaseblue
Neophyte
Member # 93339

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Last summer I was dating my 24 year old boss. One night, we began kissing and fooling around. He groaned "no" a few times, but made no effort to stop me as I mounted him. He was a lot bigger than me. He could have easily pushed me off of him. After I put him inside of me, we proceeded to have intercourse with him taking an active role.

I didn't know much about consent back then. But looking back, I know that by him saying "no", he denied consent. I keep trying to convince myself that I simply seduced him, but I feel like I'm just making excuses. I think I raped him and I feel really guilty.

Posts: 16 | From: Washington D.C. | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think the word "seduced" is a tricky one, and it's important to look at what it means. Because often, people use it to mean "convinced someone to engage in sex with me when they didn't want to without that convincing." And as it sounds like you know, that's coercion.

If, on the other hand, what someone means by seducing someone is that things started off neutral or unknown per someone's interest in sex (or even already in), and the person doing the "seducing" engaged in behaviours to put their desires out there is a way that they hoped would create a person's interest in sex, or amp up an interest already there, that's something else.

It does sound like you chose to move forward with sex when someone was saying no and chose to ignore than person's no. And if and when that happens, I think it's sound to feel bad about that, because it's obviously not something good to do to someone.

So, sounds to me like the way to move forward here is for you to sort out what happened for yourself, then figure out what you need to do to find some resolution with it.

[ 04-23-2012, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pillowcaseblue
Neophyte
Member # 93339

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I talked to him last night and he said he doesn't consider the incident to be rape. But that doesn't mean it wasn't rape, right? I still continued even though he said no. It doesn't matter that he meant yes (which he did, according to him).
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, if he is saying directly to you that though he said no, he did so dishonestly and meant yes, I think you need to take him at his word.

Obviously, what you know moving forward at this point, clearly, is that when someone says no, you stop. If they were playing with you, it's on them to say they DO want to engage in sex if you're to move forward.

But with this particular situation, any situation, I think taking the other person at their word is important, rather than deciding something was done to them that they don't feel was, just as a respect issue.

You're clearly a very thoughtful person, so I'm guessing that part of your emotional response to what he said about this might be to think you shouldn't take him at his word since it would be "too easy" in alleviating your guilt. Thing is, while I agree that from where you stood at the time, you did something nonconsensual, and moving forward someone's no should always be treated as a no, I think with this unique situation, he's made clear to you that he wasn't nonconsenting (even if he obscured that on purpose, for whatever reason).

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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