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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » New update (Page 7)

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Author Topic: New update
nixieGurl
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Okay I made a list. Obviously some of these are things I just need to do myself but I put everything I can think of on it and also put notes to the things that I have stopped doing and need to start doing again just because it's hard to explain it sometimes because the things I stop doing are so basic but I find them really hard. Here it is:

1. Get out of Bed everyday (this has been hard).
2. Eat at least one thing a day (I have not been eating sometimes for a few days)
3. Get dressed.
4. Leave the house (I have been walking the dog everyday but thats it).
5. Try to talk to someone at least once a week.
6. Do something to distract myself when I am feeling really low. Paint or draw or read or something.
7. Make a goal for each day.


I know this list is terrible. I know its a bit crap, but I cant think straight. It is all I could come up with.

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Heather
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It's not terrible if it's what you think you need. The good news is this is all also VERY doable.

So, want some maybe-helps to help you keep all of these things going on for yourself?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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okay, anything would be helpful. I am so lonely and down. I am so over being scared and being stuck in this spot.
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Heather
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You got it.

So.

1. Get out of Bed everyday (this has been hard).

Try making a great, peppy wakeup mix to turn on the second you wake up. Anything that'll help get you out of bed.

It might also help to make your bed right when you wake up, so getting back in is less tempting.

This might also be something to combine with getting out to walk the dog: get up and do that first: then you take care of both.

2. Eat at least one thing a day (I have not been eating sometimes for a few days)

I'd aim to do this first thing of a day, too. Anything light you can eat early on, as eating earlier will help stimulate your appetite for later.

3. Get dressed.

Might it help to have a few outfits you know are all things you feel good in and like, laid out to find and put them on easily?

4. Leave the house (I have been walking the dog everyday but thats it).

On top of what I suggested up there, how about setting a time of day that if you have not left the house already by, you HAVE to go then?

5. Try to talk to someone at least once a week.

So, sounds like time for another list, a list of people you know you can call or talk to.

6. Do something to distract myself when I am feeling really low. Paint or draw or read or something.

Are all the things you'd do like this within easy reach? And maybe they could be part of your goal, below?

7. Make a goal for each day.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Okay I can do those things thanks Heather. I think I have been going over so many things that I can't do in my head that I have stopped doing things I can do. I guess my birthday and not hearing from my family was rough on me too. I knew they wouldn't bother but in some ways it kinda hurt. I feel just hurt all together by this whole thing. I sit outside in the dark almost all night on my own trying to get through the night and not be stuck inside with everything e.g my meds etc. I am trying to keep myself safe. I am trying really hard to do stuff, but I am not feeling so great at all.
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nixieGurl
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Ugh adding to this, I just got a phone call from the doctors I enrolled with here who are supposed to see me to get me a medical cert to send to welfare so I can be paid, as it's been over 3 weeks now of living on zero income, and they said it will be another month before they can see me. So I called around and didnt get anything closer as all my files need to be sent up from christchurch and gone over carefully. F***. Luckily I am housesitting for another nearly 3 weeks, but have lost my place already so when I leave here, I am a little screwed. It feels like noone here wants to help me. My parents wont help me out for obvious reasons. It is all starting to feel a bit not worth it.
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Heather
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Not worth what?

In other words, are you voicing self-harming or suicidal feelings or something else?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Just everything seems so hard all the time like I can't seem to catch a break. I have been feeling suicidal but not going to do anything about it or anything. I am just struggling I guess.
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Heather
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You know, I think if and when we find ourselves in a space where life doesn't seem worth living it's really vital for us to figure out WHY it doesn't.

What do we need for life to feel worthwhile? What do we need to change that's making us feel like it isn't? Too, do we WANT to feel like it's worthwhile? (That may sound like a stupid question, but living truly invested and involved in our lives sometimes is a lot harder than just going through the motions, so sometimes we may find ourselves doing the latter and only being committed to the latter.)

What do the answers to those questions look like for you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I guess I don't expect much from life for me at the moment because I know its a crappy time. But I never thought I would be this lonely. I feel like the loneliness isn't something I really deserve because I have not ever intentionally hurt anyone and have tried to be a really good friend to the people I know but I feel like it has been so easy for them to just throw me away when things got hard. I find it hard that I get nice messages etc from them on facebook but then when I ask if they want to chat on the phone or catch up they never feel like its a good idea. It makes me feel worthless. Most of the time I can look at things and make something funny out of it or just ignore it but I am not really able to do that right now.

I do want it to feel worthwhile really badly but in reality I don't think it really is.

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Heather
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I feel like we should try this again.

1. What do YOU need to make life worthwhile?
2. Besides not having your friendships be reciprocal -- certainly a big deal -- what else do you think is making you feel like living is NOT worthwhile?
3. Do you feel ready and able to invest in doing what is in your power to make living feel more worthwhile?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I don't think I really know what I need to be honest. I don't know what could make me feel better about stuff. I think I wish in a way that I could just forget everything that ever happened to me but thats not an option. If that could happen I guess it might feel worthwhile. I guess I need to feel like more than just nothing to feel that its worthwhile. I would like to invest in making it more worthwhile but I don't know honestly what can make it worthwhile for me. I dont think I am making any sense here, sorry Heather. I am really confused and torn and just really lonely.
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Heather
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So, sounds to me like some of why you might feel so stuck here is not knowing what steps you need to take.

Sounds like you need to spend some time envisioning the life you want, the life you enjoy living.

Pro-tip: forgetting your past? You're right, not possible, but that's also not likely to make a life feel worthwhile for anyone, anyway. Processing it, accepting it, and not having it hold you back, though? More like it.

But seriously, visualize the life you want for you -- the whole person you are, with your whole life history -- and would enjoy living. What does that look like? Let's talk specifics, not really vague stuff, since you need those specifics to take action.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Hmmm I'm really struggling with this because I am not really sure right now.

I think if I had some new friends up here in Wellington who understand me a bit better than those in Christchurch that would be good.

I would like to have something to do during the day but I have not been able to find a job so far and I have applied for everything.

I would like to see my counselor more often than only once every few weeks. I think it would be good to have someone to speak out loud to.

I would like to be able to get by financially, I don't want lots of money or anything, just enough for my rent and meds etc.

I would like to be a nurse eventually but I don't think that would happen.

Is that kinda what you mean?

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Heather
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Yeah, kind of, but let's try it this way.

Imagine you're writing a letter to a friend you haven't talked to in a while, telling them about what's been going on in your life. Imagine you're living the kind of life that seems worthwhile to you when you're doing that.

What would that latter say? Where and how would you be living? How would you be spending your work time and your down time: what would you be doing, specifically, with those times? What would your family -- whatever that is to you -- and community be like? What would the relationships that matter most to you be? What would you be starting to explore you've always wanted to, but never have?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Also? When I said spend some time, I figured this isn't something you can probably do right this second, but something to spend the next few days really thinking about and imagining. [Smile] )

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Okay I will have to really think about this because I am not in a great space with it right now. I know it sounds dumb but I cant see a lot further than the next few hours right now. I feel like anything I write will just be dreams that will never happen.
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Heather
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Take your time.

I also think right now just trying to identify what will make life feel worthwhile for you -- not super-amazing, just starting with worth living -- is what is important. Attaining those things, and figuring out what is or isn't attainable, is down the road.

And again, worthwhile is just a baseline of living: I'm sure what you need for that is within reach.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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Nixie; you make me wish I wasn't on the other side of the world - I'd come visit you if I could.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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Psssst: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/50/t/000056/p/1.html#000010

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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(Thanks for the link Heather thats really sweet and kind of you all)

And Saffron Reimi thanks to you too.

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nixieGurl
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Okay I have put a lot of thought into this and it's been really hard to be honest because trying to think of positive things in the very negative mindset I seem to be in is very difficult right now.

But here is a list of things would want to be able to say if I was writing that letter and things were good or at least okay.

I would have my own dog, I love looking after the dog I do, but I would like my own dog for sure. I am happier around animals and having a dog around makes me feel safer too even a little one because they bark when anyone comes in and that helps me feel a bit more secure.

I would like to be volunteering somewhere that helps women who have been in situations that are rough like I am.

I would like to be working even just some casual work to start with in a coffee shop or something not too stressful.

I would like to be feeling less like I owe my family so much or at least able to not pick up the phone when I know it will end in me feeling so crappy. I don't want to be owned by anyone anymore.

I would like to have some friends in Wellington who know my side of things and who don't treat me like the friends back home, who just know me for who I am here and not due to my past.

I would like to be more stable with medications and sleeping. I have halved my dose of meds for the bi polar which has been great as I can finally lose some weight with it being a smaller dose, but the PTSD is a real struggle, so it would be better if I had some more skills to deal with that other than meds.

I would like to have a bit of a routine to my days so that I could feel like I have achieved something.

I would like to be working on my art a lot more and work on my confidence with showing it to people.

I would like to put myself down less in everyday conversations.

I would like to be able to say that I have been a good aunty to the kids in my life (I always do my best already but I would like to be less worried about my relationships with their parents and just be there for them no matter waht).

I would like to write some of my stories down like you said Heather, and not be too scared to share it.

I would like to be more physically fit again, enough to go back to playing some team sport and surfing again now that my ribs have healed up.

I would like to be able to say I have not been raped again and that I have been doing my best to prevent that instead of just accepting it as my fate.

I also would like to be able to be planning another trip somewhere, even if not actually able to go, I feel good when I plan trips for oneday.

I would like to not be scared all the time and be more confident in protecting myself.

Um I hope thats what you meant. I think if I could say those things or some of them, my life would feel more worthwhile for sure. Especially the parts about feeling more confident and such because thats a real struggle.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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nixie that is such an awesome list! I know that you can have all of those things in your life (I'm not trying to say it will be easy, but it is certainly attainable). Go you for figuring out what you need to feel like it's worth it! [Smile]

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~moonlight

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Heather
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I agree, that list looks awfully doable to me. I'd keep it somewhere, okay?

I bet with even just a couple of those things sorted, or being worked on, you'd find yourself feeling a little better pretty fast.

Want to pick two or three you think *can* be accomplished? Or I can help with that if it feels daunting to you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Hmm I think if it's ok if I could gt some help picking them that would be good. I am pleased that my art and the job are sorted pretty much and I am feeling positive about that although I am having huge anxiety about whether I will be good enough as an artist when I see the others there and how amazing they are.
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Heather
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Well, seems to me that picking up a volunteering gig, getting better about daily routines (which should also help with the one on the list above that one), writing (to start, sharing later), and making some new friends are all within fairly easy reach.

Also, with the dog deal, are there any local shelters near you? If so, might be another extra minor volunteering you could do that would also fill some of your doggie desire. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Okay I will look at those things now and try and make a plan with it. Thanks Heather.
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nixieGurl
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So more great news!! Today I went to the womens centre in a town near by here, I met the director there and had coffee and asked if she needed help with anything, she said hmmm are you interested in womens issues? I was like yeah, and she was like do you like writing about them?... yeah... So now I have a lil volunteer gig writing for her monthly news letter about all the things important happening for women in NZ. It goes out all over NZ and its my chance to not only help them out as they have no contributors other than me right now but also to get the message out for women like me.


This list is now going to be called the magic list because stuff is just falling into my lap after I wrote this! I am going to the womens centre on fridays for a self esteem course and on tuesday to help teach mosaic making for other women and I have this gig at the studio where I will be tutored and paid to do art work for their gallery! I am SO excited about all these changes. YAY!

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Robin Lee
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Go you!!!! [Smile]

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Robin

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Saffron Raymie
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I'm really, really happy for you and your magic list! It's made my day. [Smile]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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That's so utterly awesome.

And yes: really putting out what we want DOES tend to make a big difference. Not always, obviously, but I think it's safe to say that when we don't, it's highly unlikely we'll get it.

But I like the idea of this being your magic list. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Yup the magic list is working well, I have my younger cousin coming to stay with me this week for a holiday here in wellington so will have a friend around, it was a surprise, and she is lovely so I am pretty stoked. On monday I am going into Pablos to see my studio space and meet the tutors so I am excited about that. I am looking forward to that so much. Things are getting a little better which is so nice and such a huge life saver right now.
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Yay magic list! This is so awesome nixie! And it made me really happy to read about this awesome stuff for you since I'm in a really great mood right now!

And I concur with Heather that making that list increases the chances of getting those things tenthousandfold. If you have no idea what you want or where you're going, then you can't know what it takes to get there. That is, your magic list provides a direction.

Go you! I hope things keep improving for you, you totally deserve it! [Wink]

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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nixieGurl
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Thanks so much, well I have a little bit of a bad news and that's that I have developed an infection since surgery and am back to hospital. I woke up outside with an ambulance there and was told my fever had obviously gotten so high I wandered out in the nite and collapsed but a neighbor saw me on the lawn this morn, im ok now just dehydrated and sore but out soon as I have a visitor this week to stay so must get home and to the animals too.
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eryn_smiles
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Oh my lord. Really sorry to hear you've been so unwell. Remember how we talked about seeking medical attention early, ahem?! Is this visitor going to help around the house and keep an eye on you to make sure you're ok? Do take care this week, am thinking of you!

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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