I am just feeling really really over it and upset. I dont know how to describe it, but I feel defeated.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
Yes, I hthink I can understand defeated. You had your power invaded in one of the most insidious ways.
We're here to remind you that you do have choices from here on out.
I know it's scary, but I do hope you'll be able to go talk to this new counsellor. If anything, it will be a measure of time during which you're not alone.
[ 04-20-2012, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4401 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
I just passed out on the couch for the first sleep I have had since it happened really. I am hoping it wont stop me sleeping tonight. The days and nights have been so long. Im just over this.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I called the sexual assault helpline tonight. I couldn't stand my own voice in my head anymore. The woman on the other end was really lovely and I really respect what they do. We did some grounding exercises which im using. I am going to try all these things to get thru this. On Monday I go to the sexual health clinic to get everything checked out. Im scared about it to be honest. I just got thru surgery and was recovering from a major infection and now im scared to find out what else will be wrong. I have been really sore and the stitches I had down there from most recently seem to have burst. I am not sure what to do with myself right now so am trying funny movies on tv to keep myself busy. And focussing on my new job this week is good for me.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
Hi Nixie,
Just checking in on how you're doing.
I'm really glad to hear that you called the helpline and that the woman you spoke too was so kind and...helpful. That's what the line is there for, and I hope you'll call them whenever you need to.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4401 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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Thanks, I am doing okay as far as it goes. I guess I am struggling mostly now with being alone with it all. I am missing having people in person to chat to even just about everyday stuff, not about stuff thats happened. The lonely feeling is tough even though its not a new feeling. I am keeping busy today doing lots around the house but am feeling a bit sick and pretty sore so thats annoying me.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Hi, so I have been on the phone to the counsellor who I was referred to while mine is away. Unfortunately I was too late on the emergency contraceptive pill and im feeling really scared about that. Im not going to the sexual health clinic today because she thought it would be too rough for me today so I am going to go with her at some stage. I am mostly ok I guess. Im just very tired and quite lonely I suppose.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
nixieGurl, I am so very sorry that that happened to you. I want you to be safe and free from being harmed and terrorised by this unspeakable man.
I'm really glad you could call the helpline and that they helped you. I appreciate that it must be tough without people around, but I hope it can help just a little to know that we're thinking of you and wishing for everything you need.
It sounds like you're doing exceptionally well with taking care of yourself in really, really challenging circumstances. Would it help to write/chat about the everyday stuff here? I reckon we'd all be happy to read/chat, if it would help you.
I hope everything's ok with your check-up and that you get the care you need.
-------------------- The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not. Posts: 726 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011
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Glad that it sounds like you'll have some support when you're ready for the check, and that you had some support today.
-------------------- The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not. Posts: 726 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011
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posted
NixieGurl, I've never posted on this thread before, but I've been following it for quite a long time now. I've never known quite what to say, so I left it in the very capable hands of everybody else who has been supporting you. But now I just wanted you to know that I sat here with tears in my eyes when I read about your latest experience. Tears of anger at the world that we live in, where these terrible things happen to good people. I am so angry and disgust that this happens to you after everything you have already been through. I dont think I can say anything that will be able to help you, but please just know that you are an amazing person, and everybody on scarleteen is rooting for you. I hope that in time you will be able to heal fully, no matter how long it takes. You have my unending support, even though we have never met and are pretty far away from each other (even though we are just across the sea!)
Posts: 30 | From: Australia | Registered: Sep 2011
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posted
Thank you so much, both of you, im trying really hard to push through this without letting it ruin my excitement about my new job. I have not been in excited about a job before. I am just wishing the days away so I can start there. I think once I start I will feel better. The days are just painfully long. But it does help having ppl here at st on my side and it's so touching to know ppl I have never met are rooting for me too. I can't even describe how much it helps to know that.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Oh nixie, I'm so sorry that this happened to you!
You are doing incredibly well dealing with all that is going on and caring for yorself. I know that you will be able to get to a healthy a ( in all respects) place in your life, at some point.
You are wonderful and amazing and I am rooting for you all the way. I wish that I could really, truly, help you. I wish I could do more than simply be a random stream of data which you receive as words. You don't deserve any of what you have gone through, quite the opposite, but you've gotten through it and made it to where you are.
(P.S. I would be more than happy to talk to you about every day stuff as well. What type of dog do you have and how is he doing?)
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 821 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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I really appreciate that. You are all so kind to me here, it's nice to check in every now and then and even though it's just words its nice to get to read them and know that I have some support.
I have a little West Highland white terrier called Joan. I know, random name, I didnt name her,she was a breading dog on this horrible farm and once they finish breading or stop producing the puppies they like the look of the dogs get put down, so she was rescued from there, shes a little survivor too really. She is really cute and she stays right by my side always. She sleeps on the bed and if anyone stops on the footpath outside for more than a second she growls like she needs to let me know. She is only a tiny little thing but she is great company for me when I have no one else.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
nixie, ooh, your dog sounds absolutely gorgeous. And how fitting that she's come to a better life with you. I always loved the idea of a dog who'd sleep on the bed...possibly on my feet How long have you had her?
Cool that you're excited about your job. When do you start?
-------------------- The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not. Posts: 726 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011
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posted
Yeah she is so super cute, I love her so much. She is actually not technically mine however I look after her full time right now, I love doing that. I start my new job on thursday and I wish it could come quicker. I am going mad just being in my own company all the time. I can't wait to just be around other people who like the same things as me at work. It will be awesome. Last night I didn't get much sleep after waking up to a nightmare which was crappy. Just flashbacks of what happened. I am feeling really tired from that.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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I will be working as an Artist in a shared studio/gallery which is for people with a mental illness, so it's pretty cool because I just get to create art 5 days a week at my own pace. I can't wait. The counsellor who is seeing me right now while mine is away is really great. Tomorrow is ANZAC day here in New Zealand which is a memorial day for the soldiers from here and Australia so its a public holiday and she is still going to call me on her day off which is really sweet of her.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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Yeah it's tomorrow now, one more sleep! I am excited as hell. I have been getting my stuff ready to go, new journal full of ideas for my first collection, nothing better really. I am going to get through this stuff through my art. I think my first collection will be about surviving and moving forward.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Oh I forgot about the timezone thing, so it's closer for you than I thought! That is amazing! Good luck, I'm sure you'll do amazingly and have a great time.
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 821 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
That sounds really good with the current counsellor, glad she seems to be supporting you well - you deserve it!
The new job sounds fabulously great, and so exciting! Artistic expression can be a really, really valuable way of working through things, so if that seems right to you, go for it. I'm sure that you'd create things that would mean a lot to you and to other people, too. One more sleep, awesome
-------------------- The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not. Posts: 726 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011
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posted
Had my first day today and it was awesome I really loved it. The one down side is because of space issues I can only work Tuesday and Thursday for the first little while which means a lot more hanging about alone which im really disappointed about. I was kinda relying on it to get me thru this last rape, keeping busy all the time. Gettin thru with more time with just myself feels too hard.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
So glad to hear the job is everything you hoped it would be. I'm sorry that it won't kep you as busy as you'd hoped. Did they give you a sense of when you'd be able to work there more often?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4401 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
Yeah not for a month or so which sucks a bit. I did manage today to finally get an appointment with the doctor to start my welfare payments again which would be good to have an income finally. Tonight is rough for me as my cousin is having a party at my dads place while he is away, dad said it's to do that, but im nervous to go because of who may be already at his place, im not sure that it'ssafe and that's a bit scary.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
Sounds like it's a bit of a conflict between feeling lonely and feeling as if it might not be safe to go to this party.. Is it something you want to go to, or that you feel oobligated to go to?
You can decide where you want to go and how you want to keep yourself safe.
If you don't go do you have a plan for getting through the evening?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4401 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
Yeah the problem is im supposed to be there to do the cooking etc, and I don't want to have let them down but im feeling quite frightened as my cousin said one of dad S friends is staying at the house and will be there, I didn't know who it was but he said it was a guy so I feel scared .
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
You have no obligation to go, especially since you feel scared and uncomfortable about going. You need to do what is best for you. You don't owe your family anything.
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 821 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
Yeah I guess so, I don't know how to tell my cousin though as he is very nice, he usually lives in Chile with some of the family we have there so it's just that I barely get to see him and he is cool. I would like to be able to suck it up and go but I don't think I can handle another possible rape right now. I feel bad that my stuff going on might make it difficult for him.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Nixie, no one should ever have to handle a possible rape. Ever. You shouldn't feel bad about "your stuff" making anything difficult for him. "Your stuff" is the direct result of people hurting you, none of it is anything you shoulkd feel bad for. Maybe you could ask to arrange to see this cousin at a later date in a scenario you do feel safe?
You really*n really don't need to enter into a situation in which there is a threat to your well being or the possibility of a rape. You don't owe going to the party to anyone.
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 821 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
Hey all, well I am back to just update you all, so I I stoped gettin help from welfare a few months ago, and since have run out of cash, on the street again as I lost my place because of it. Managed to grab a room in a shelter for the weekend but used up my limit of time there now so im sleeping in my car which has no registrationetc so will prob end up being taken away. But I am actually o.k. Life will go on. I am loving doing my art at the studio and it means a few hours in the warm every day which is good because winter is here now. Anyway managed to grab free internet in the city today so thought I should check in here.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Hey heather, how are you doing? I hope things are going ok for you! Unfortunately not with the studio thing, rape crisis and women's refuge are awesome and working on it for me but resources are limited. I am ok though, I have done this before so just have to push through. It's just not exactly fun times.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Me again, got out of hospital this morning, had a rough night in there, my kidney was bleeding into my tummy from being hit in that area, another broken rib and lots of morphine later im feeling a bit shattered. Living on the street is not working out for me. So they admitted me to women's refuge which im thankful for as I can't really sleep in the car with the injuries I have. Im so tired. Im not letting it get me down, they are helping me find a place of my own so even though this gettin mugged sucked its actually set the ball rolling some more. Which I guess is the bright side
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Oh nixie, I'm sorry to hear that you were mugged but I'm glad to hear that you were admitted into the women's shelter. I am so inspired by how you are able to push through whatever life throws at you.
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 821 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
Emily, all I can think of to do that's the right thing to do is send as many internet hugs as possible.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Thanks so much, internet hugs are good as real ones are banned right now due to ribs! Lol. It's ok,just full on. I just want a good night's sleep but can only sleep sitting up which is not so good!
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I'm so sorry to hear about this wondered how come you hadn't been in touch in a while. How are you at the moment? (other than sore!) What is happening with finding your own place? Are you going back to your old flat?
-------------------- "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."
posted
Hey again, right now the refuge is helping me find a place. Which I so appreciate. I will start gettin welfare again soon which will be great. Im lookin forward to being able to put my shoes on by myself and wash my hair most right now. It's just those little things that drive me crazy.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
Oh yes, it is the little things, isn't it? Not being able to do those normal things just makes life feel so much more---well, not normal.
I'm really glad the Refuge is helping you out so much.
Sending Internet hugs!
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4401 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
It's just that all I want to do is go to the studio and paint but all I can physically do is be on the couch, I went intotown to go to the studio yesterday and ended up seriously keeled over in pain so it's obviously not what my body wants right now and for once I am listening to it. But god im bored. Last night I had a huge anxiety attack which was agony on my ribs and chest and I am keen to avoid any more of that but can't help noticing that feeling creeping back in again today.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
So many hugs to you, Ems. I can't really offer any more than that, but I'm sending good vibes your way!
-------------------- "Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy Posts: 5329 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004
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Hey nixie, I'm glad to hear that the refuge is helping you out, and that you'll be able to begin receiving wellfare again, and I'm glad to hear that you're heeding your body's indications about how much you can handle physically. I'm not glad to hear that you're having a hard time with some of the other stuff though.
Do you have a sketch book or even some paper and a hard surface that you could use to do some sketching and assuage some of that need to create?
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 821 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
Thanks again you all, Im feeling tired today I just can't seem to get enough rest. Im not sure what else to say right now because im just feeling really worn down.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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wondered how come you hadn't been in touch in a while. How are you at the moment? (other than sore!) What is happening with finding your own place? Are you going back to your old flat?
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