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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Sadly, I'm back (Page 5)

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Author Topic: Sadly, I'm back
Heather
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Do you think it's possible that some of why it suddenly feels like you can't NOT think about all of these things is that for such a long time, you've been pushing them away so hard, or keeping yourself so busy you haven't really been able to process them?

I know that all of this is tiring as hell. And it sounds to me like, when you do get back, one thing it would really be sound to do would be to seek out a new counselor. I'm very concerned that the one you've had hasn't been serving you very well, because it sounds like you're without a lot of the tools and support for so much of this I'd expect you to have by now with dedicated counselor working with you. Okay?

But maybe for now, what we can do is go ahead and try and help you process through some of these thoughts and feelings that are coming up, to the best of our ability. For instance, the way I see the thoughts you were having on that alone-walk today is that they are thoughts about how unsafe you feel at home, validly, and about you appreciating feeling safe today (which is obviously a great thing for you, for anyone). I don't think those thoughts are screwed up. I think they're based in reality: you've rarely felt safe, your whole life, really, back in Christchurch, and that's not irrational, since you so often have not BEEN safe.

What do YOU think about those thoughts, and why do you think they're screwed up?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I think its screwed up because I know that in a perfect world I shouldn't have to feel unsafe all the time, and that its not normal, and I guess I kind of put that together as more of me not being normal than the situation not being normal, but its hard to make sense of it.

And the other thing was that he is so terrifying to me. He loves how scared I am, he laughs when he hurts me and he says things that I don't think I will ever be able to forget. And somehow, those things turn into things I say to myself, even though I know that is stupid and damaging. But it is so hard not to hate myself because of how much of a part of him I am and of his life. Sometimes I feel like if I was to die at least I wouldnt have to be stuck in a body he has touched. And that is screwed up.

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Heather
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Well, we don't live in a perfect world. But for sure, someone feeling unsafe all the time isn't sound, nor is someone BEING unsafe all the time or so much. And I think here you may be assigning "not normal" to your feelings when really "not healthy or sound" is an assignment that belongs to your environment.

In other words, again, you feel so unsafe because you have been so unsafe. You have lived in a community where someone has assaulted and abused you on and off your whole life, and where, when asking for help, you've rarely gotten it, including from people close to you, and often you haven't felt able to ask for help at all. That is about your community being unsafe, which is something you CAN change. I'd say the way you're feeling is a cue that you desperately need to change your environment. Know what I mean?

There's also nothing stupid about internalizing abuse: it's human. It's what happens. It's a big part of why it is so destructive and harmful.

Can you tell me why you think you are a part of him? How?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Well it seems fitting that changing my environment is something I should do as I just found out tonight through my dad that when I get home I now have no home, my cousin has decided I can't stay there anymore as she said some money went missing and has blamed me, which hurts like hell as it is something I would never do. Especially when her ex, the kids dad, who is currently in a really bad debt situation has been staying there while I have been away... and because I have been giving my cousin most of what I have every week since I moved in, so why on earth would i steal. It hurts that she thinks that way of me. It hurts that I will be homeless again and it hurts that noone in my family is willing to help me figure this one out.

Being on street again, after less than a year of being off of it, is scary and so defeating when it wasnt something that I did, when my suitcase here is full of gifts for her and her kids who I adore so much. I am not a thief or some kind of monstor who would steal from a single mum.

Trying to be safe on the street is going to be tough. I'm not sure what to do anymore.

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Heather
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I'm so sorry to hear that about your cousin. I think there's a larger discussion to be had -- which we don't have to have now, or at all, up to you -- about who you invest trust in, and what some red flags are for people who you should likely distance yourself from. That would certainly include people who take more from you than they give. But again, we don't have to talk about that now.

Let's also not plan for you to be on the street, eh? How about instead of going to the no-options place, we first talk about your options, instead? How about making efforts to do all you can NOT to wind up living on street?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I have been here before, I have no money, I have no job, I have noone to help me out as most of my friends houses fell down in the quakes and have moved, and the rest dont have a place for me, I am looking for a rental but looks like I cant afford one still, like last time, I rang YWCA, they are full since earthquake, refuge is full also, so I am going to have to look at it realistically and I know that having been in this spot before, its street again.

I can survive, I have before, but it just is scary for me out there. It wont be so bad right now because its summer, so hopefully if I can get somewhere before winter I will only be out for a few months while its warmish.

I definatly feel that I need to learn who to trust/invest time into. I feel really hurt that yet another person has treated me like nothing.

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Heather
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Let's slow this down, okay? I really do think you're leaping to worst case, which if you keep doing that, is going to limit you from better options. That's something YOU can control, not leaping there first.

Do you want to actually manage this well and avoid that outcome? If so, happy to help you in doing that, but I need you to help me help you by not leaping. Deal?

If so, let's start here: let's make a list of who you DO have to talk to with help and support, and who you can rely on for that.

From where I'm sitting, I start with:
Scarleteen
Your case manager with your mental health
Whatever lawyer/solicitor/advocate is working with you on your legal case

All those are sound, yes? If not, anyone else to add to that list? How about your sister you are staying with now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Well my case manager last time I was in this position didnt help, she told me to ring YWCA and refuge, then when that fell through I was on my own, so she wont help. My sister said she cant because I cant stay over here and they have a mortgage to pay so I cant loan anything to get any temp accomodation. My dad said I'm on my own. My Mum has no interest in me anymore unless I can give her a lift to the airport.

I will ask my current counsellor about it also, so I guess she can be on the list.

Other than her I'm not sure I have anyone else. Womens refuge can support me, but not with somewhere to stay, but i guess that puts them on the list. My lawyer I guess too, but I am not sure there would be much she could do.

I just feel really over it I guess. Im sorry for leaping, it's just so hurtful and scary to be back here again when I worked so hard to be not here.

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Heather
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Can I circle back and ask about who you are working with in your legal case?

Again, let's make sure that YOU aren't self-sabotaging here, by placing yourself in a "back here" you're not actually in yet, and may not be. You're much more likely to be if you put yourself there, though, even emotionally. I think this pattern is one of those things you've been in for a long time, and I believe that's influenced by experiencing so much abuse and non-support, but I also think there's a part of this that's just about you. You can't control what other people have done or do to you to a large degree, but you can control what you do, you know?

Also, is there an AU embassy in the UAE?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Sorry for the delay in replying Heather, I tried to get some sleep, which didnt happen really. I am working with a lawyer that was assigned to me by the police/womens refuge who organise it together. She is really good, does this sort of thing all the time, and I don't have to pay for her as I get legal aid. I worked with her once before to try to get a protection order against my ex, and she was good then so I was pleased she took my case this time.

I am trying today to not think of the worst possible outcome for all of this and be stronger about it, it's hard. I just have been in these situations before and its hard not to think the worst this time.

I think this whole housing thing being lumped on me right now was just the last straw as I was already finding just getting out of bed and going through a day very hard.

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Heather
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Ems: sorry for my own delay, we lost power two days ago and just got it back this morning.

I won't be able to talk more in depth until tomorrow (assuming -- and hoping -- the power fixes here hold), but for now, I'd suggest you start by calling that lawyer and advocate.

Not only does she sound like a caring person with the kind of local connections you need, but even just from a practical point of view, no prosecutor wants an important witness to be homeless, just from the standpoint of locating them being so difficult. I know that last bit likely sounds dry, but per my understanding of cases like this, it's a real issue, and I also figured knowing that might make asking her for help feel less loaded for you. After all, it's HER job to serve the interests of justice, a job you are basically helping her with, know what I mean?

So, to take one strong step to help avert this possible outcome, I'd contact her ASAP and give her the whole scoop, making clear you are facing homelessness when you return and need help. Okay? Let's see where that goes first, then widen the circles as we need to.

I know it's tough to have to keep fighting for such basic things when you're tried of it, because this stuff all wears a person down hugely, as you know. But I also know that you DO have it in you to keep fighting, and that self-sabotaging or just accepting bad outcomes without doing all you can to avoid them is not going to help you out any. Something like this is also a way you CAN take control, which sure feels a lot better than just letting life walk all over you when you already, validly, feel so very trampled.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Hey Heather,

Thats ok, I hope you are all ok with the storms, I almost got to see a real desert storm over here but unfortunatly it passed by us here. I worked at my sisters school again today, as I am trying to make as much money as possible, however when it is converted to NZ money it is only a third of what I earn here, so it is now a lot of work for not much return at home. And there is not much here i want to buy when I know I may have no home to put it in...

I read your reply this morning and emailed my lawyer straight away, I heard back this afternoon, so evening her time, she said she will definatly try her best to find some alternative for me but right now its not looking so good in christchurch, as usually her first point is womens refuge or YWCA for the women she works with. And both a unavailable for a while at this stage. I emailed my cousin again too and tried to make it clear that this whole stupid accusation which is complete rubbish may mean I have to be back on the street, and I am hoping she will let me stay a while, she is acting so wierd right now though, and I think the main reason is she is wanting to get back together with the kids dad, but knows that would not fly with me while I live there as he is not so nice to her, so instead of being honest she is making excuses to get me out, it definatly sounds that way anyway.

I am trying to be proactive about it right now. I am feeling really depressed though. I have been feeling over it for a while now, but this is almost just enough to make me say screw it. I'm so tired. I fell asleep at work today at one point, which is not a great look. But lay awake all night tossing and turning. I am so scared to go home in a couple of weeks. I don't know how I am going to survive this right now. Its just not a good time for me right now. I really appreciate your help with this heather, especially with all this new sh** cropping up right now.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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You will make it through, though. I don't know you, but just from what I've read in this thread I know that you are incredibly strong. You are a survivor and you WILL make it through this. Your cousin's house doesn't sound, to me, like the most stable place to be right now, so it is in your best interest to focus on finding somewhere else to live. Of course, if becomes your cousin's house or nothing, well than living there is better.

Stay strong, I KNOW YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS.

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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nixieGurl
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Thanks, I appreciate that. I am trying my hardest. I am just SO tired. I feel like I could just break down.
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Heather
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Let's give your lawyer time to explore the options, okay? Sounds like she's very dedicated to doing that.

About feeling like you could or will break down: what do you feel like you need right now to help get you through this?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Okay, I hope she can help me out, I seem to be running low on options at this stage. And I am home in less than two weeks now.

I have tried to do a few things tonight to make myself feel better, and it has, just reading funny things online etc. But then my mind goes back to the fact that its night time, and I am up alone as usual, and how much I hate night time because I always have this anxiety inside. I am so so tired but I know when I go to bed I will start feeling like he is right here again, and then I start to feel like i can't cope with it. It's all in my head, I know it is but it really messes with me. I feel like maybe I am not meant to fight this whole thing in this case. I don't want to be hurt anymore, I just want to be safe and feel safe and not be always recovering from one rape or another, but at the same time I feel like I am completely in over my head. I don't know how to be the one with control or to be stronger. It's just really really scary.

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Heather
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Two weeks is a pretty decent amount of time, and figure you now have at least two dedicated people to help you with solutions, okay?

I totally hear how you're feeling. When you've had counseling, has your counselor ever helped you create any tools or rituals for coping with feelings like this?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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My counselor I have now and I talked about having a bedtime routine etc but I have not been able to do that so much here. Usually I have to listen to music or something to fall asleep or watch a movie so that I can sort of keep my mind away from the bad stuff. She also talked to me about writing it all down which sometimes helps, but usually I give my writing to her each week and she helps me work through it but it's been quite hard not having her able to do that while I have been here. And she had said we would do it by email but she hasnt replied so she is probably crazy busy.

I have had that horrible shaking in my hands as well which I get when I am anxious, and just feeling sick in general. I don't like feeling like such a freak.

btw, thanks for being one of the people I can count on Heather. I couldn't do it without having had you here.

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Heather
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Of course.

So listening to music, watching a movie or writing these things down: you haven't been doing any of that? If not, can you make a plan to start doing one or more of those things starting tonight?

How about the tools or rituals you use to manage these feelings when they come up: when you start having them and can't sleep, or wake up because of these thoughts, now or before, what do you do then?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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eryn_smiles
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Hi Em, have a suggestion re: your accomodation search. Have you gone through the Christchurch city council "No fixed abode" free directory? I can see some potential sources for you outside of YWCA and womens refuge. There are also some listed places (Comcare, Stepping Stone Trust) reserved for people with experience of mental illness, but you need your MH case manager to refer you for them- not sure if this is an option for you. Here's the link to pdf:
http://www.ccc.govt.nz/homeliving/socialhousing/emergencyhousing.aspx

I remember you mentioning really bad previous experiences with WINZ, but is your lawyer or MH case manager able to advocate for you with approaching them for emergency funding?

Take care, am thinking of you!

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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nixieGurl
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Hey Heather,

So I just got a long email from my dad saying that my cousin said I hadnt been paying rent etc, that i didnt help out, I helped out so much, and I ALWAYS paid rent, more than I even was supposed to pay. My sister and brother in law are on her side, as is my dad. I am hated. I feel hated too. Right now I feel pretty worthless. Even when I do the right thing and do my best someone has to turn around and stamp on me again. I am so tired of it. I know I can only feel the way I feel and not let anyone make me feel a certain way etc, but right now I feel like I am about as unwanted as one could be. And the worst part is I didnt do any of what they said I did. I am not that sort of person, and never have been. Maybe if I had been I wouldnt be so used all the time. I don't really know if I want to be in a world like this sometimes. I don't know what I did in a past life, but I must have been a horrible person.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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nixieGurl, try to keep your head up okay? You don't deserve any of this, sometime sh*t just happens, you know? You can do this, and there are good part of this world, and they're what's worth living for.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Heather
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You know, I think we can agree that your family, for the most part, have always been incredibly unsupportive, including when you need them most. That is truly awful, but that is clearly also much more about them than about you.

You have every right to feel angry and upset. I also agree that with a family that was supportive and caring, things probably would be a lot different for you.

I know it's so hard not to get sucked into manufactured dramas -- on their part, not yours, I mean -- like this, especially when it does you direct harm. At the same time, if you can try not to, I think it'd be best for you. It's obvious you need to separate from a lot of them anyway, and move forward trying to make sure you're not walking into or staying in situations with them that aren't sound for you (like, say, living with a cousin who it really looks like used you for free childcare and part of your welfare money), and while this is a crummy way to have to do that...well, it's the way you've got.

In other words, let's try and keep moving forward with finding you a different place to be, and ideally, not anyplace which keeps you stuck in unhealthy dynamics, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Yeah, I see what you mean, I guess it is a way out of it, but at the same time it's a scary way. I am trying not to think of what has happened other times etc, but the thing is last time I walked alone down the street, I got raped. I am scared to be actually living on it, I know that might not happen, but right now its feeling really scary. I am trying not to think about it, it just keeps creeping in when I least expect it.

I have spent most of today looking for some kind of solution. It is just hard hitting so many brick walls. I can't afford anything in christchurch, I cant afford to move to another city. I am going to apply for as many jobs as is possible right now, so then if I can earn a little more money maybe I can afford to get a place. I feel really defeated. I know my family has always been kinda shitty in that respect, but I guess I thought things had started to change and that maybe I was a part of them again. But I definatly am not.

I am feeling really depressed at the moment. I shouldnt be because I am on a awesome holiday over here for virtually free, and I know how incredibly lucky I am for that, and totally appreciate that there are people already out there a lot worse off than myself. I guess its all just wearing me down each day that more comes out of this, and more options dissolve.

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Heather
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I agree.

Like I said, let's you and me do everything in our power to keep you off-street, okay? We've only just started to take action around that, and we have a lot of other things to explore before, I think, we need to entertain that as a possibility.

I also don't think that right now you need to worry about how other people may have it worse than you. When horrible things have happened, we experience grief. That's normal, that's healthy, that's okay. You get to. Everyone gets to, and that's part of the process of healing and of just plain living. I'd say it's also part of the process of getting stronger. Your feelings matter.

If you want to keep brainstorming this, can you give me a picture of what's needed from you per being in Christchurch around your case? Like, how long you have to stay there, when you have to be there for, etc?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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They have not given me a court day yet, but my lawyer has filed my case against him and now we are waiting to hear back from the court as to how they want to pursue it, and she is going to get in touch with me straight away. She mentioned some of the delay is because of the police etc gathering their side of it, and also with legal aid taking their time to get back to her, even though I totally meet the conditions for it. So its mostly just about waiting for paperwork from the court right now.

I don't have to be in Christchurch other for the actual court date which we dont have yet. I might not have to actually be there for all of that either, my lawyer said she sometimes can represent me without me having to be there if the courts allow that it might add more trauma or something. I studied law for two years at university and still don't really understand this system, so it's frustrating.

But what I do know is I could leave Christchurch now, my reluctance is mostly about leaving my case manager and counselor, as I really do like them both, and I have been thinking I would like to give my counselor another chance as I feel comfortable with her and I would like her to help me through the time in court etc.

The other thing is I don't really know anyone anywhere else, and I am a little nervous to be completely alone, just from a mental health perspective. I know I am rambling here, this is all I have played over in my head the last few days.

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Heather
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I hope it's okay for me to be frank, but though I get that you like your counselor, I have to say that it doesn't sound to me like she's been doing a very good job. If nothing else, just leaving someone you are counseling hanging the way she has, without even a referral to another counselor, when they are in deep crisis is just really poor service.

That said, I also understand not wanting a change at this time. But at the very least, I would suggest you ask your lawyer to find you a backup counselor as you get through this, because the one you have flaking out just seems way too likely, and I think it'd really suck for you not to have one -- to continue not to have one -- as you go through this legal process and everything else. Okay?

Might you also be able to get very firm info from your lawyer on when you do have to be in Christchurch and when you don't? I mean, it doesn't sound like moving anywhere where you can't easily get back there now is doable. Do I have that right?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Sorry about my delay here, for some reason it wouldnt let me onto facebook all day. Anyway, I am back with a plan.

I have been doing some HUGE thinking, trying to fix things in my head and have managed to make a plan and it seems it is going to work. I am going to move to Wellington, which is our capital city. I have a few friends there who I have managed to contact, so thats good. And I also have seen plenty of jobs there. I have managed to secure a place to live untill the end of april for free (housesitting). And that is a definate so I will have time to earn some money and look for a somewhere to live.

I will be safe there from him, and its a pretty inexpensive flight back to christchurch for court etc. I will also have some time to work on my art which will be good as I have been missing being able to do that with the kids around me all the time.

I am feeling a little more positive now that I have worked something out. Its a big move but it might be what I need. I am hoping so anyway. I have just enough money to get myself up there and get started.

Now with that sorted, I can try to deal with some of this sh** running around in my head. Oh and I emailed my plan to my lawyer and its fine legally for me to do this. So that's good at least.

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Heather
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Emily, this is AWESOME!

Awesome you were able to be able to think positively enough to come up with this plan, and think about good outcomes for you, and it also sounds like an awfully good plan, to boot!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Thanks Heather [Smile]

Yeah I am admittedly quite proud of this plan... I am sure it will be a bit of a roller coaster as moving always is, but if I can move across the world to Canada alone, I am sure I can manage in my own country. I think maybe it will be good to be away from the day to day reminders of him everywhere. I will be able to leave the house more, which is a positive, and I am going to make sure I live alone, because then I cant get myself into these situations where I end up being stupid and getting ripped off with money etc. I think if I can avoid getting into them first then I will be ok, it's usually just once I am in them I find it really hard to say no to people, and it always leaves me feeling really crappy.

I am trying to be positive, because I don't want to spend another year of my life this way. I also don't want to spend another 20 being abused by him, he has abused me for more than half of the time I have been alive. I am 25 and its just time to stop it. I don't want to be laying in hospital again this year having another rape exam. I don't want to have to hide from friends because my face is black and blue and I don't want to be feeling like dirt all the time because now that I have done some thinking about it, I always feel that way and its because I always let people use me and thats my fault. I have been madly writing in my journal over the last couple of days, trying to figure this all out, and this is what is standing out:

I am more capable of things than I give myself credit for, if I put my mind to something. And people don't give me any credit because I don't give myself any.I also feel like I when I lose the sad and just get really angry about something I am actually a lot better at using that emotion than sadness. I am feeling really mad at my cousin for treating me this way when I have been good to her in a lot of ways. I don't hate her, cause obviously we all have issues, but I am feeling quite pi**ed off about it.

The first part of my plan, that I am working on now, is to just get through each hour trying to be positive instead of focussing on all the bad stuff. I also am going to try to do more for myself instead of being last. Tomorrow I am going out alone and not with the baby or anyone else, for the whole day, and going to paint the desert at sunset.

I just need to keep writing and keep talking and keep remembering that I have you Heather, and a good lawyer and potential safe friends in a safe city very soon.

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Heather
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I think you totally should be proud. Like I said, of course you feel worn down, big time, so of course working something like this out is hard as hell. It's so awesome you were able to do this for yourself.

I also think the way you are talking here sounds to me like something got you turning a really major corner, and that's great. You sound angry and strong and self-possessed. That kicks BUTT.

For sure, anger, as an emotion, can tend to motivate us more easily than sadness. And certainly, if sadness == depression, the depression makes it very tough to get motivated. There's nothing wrong with anger, just like other feelings. It's the way we use it that can create issues. But using it to take care of yourself, stand up for yourself, these are GREAT uses of anger. This is what it's really good for, IMO.

Also delighted to hear about your plans for tomorrow! Good for you!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Thanks,

Yeah I had a good day today until tonight. I logged onto the computer and on the screen was an email from my sister to my cousin about me, which was quite horrible. That hurt a lot as its all being said behind my back. But it just made me feel my plan for being away from everyone when I get home is probably the best.

I can't keep being hurt this way as it is really quite soul destroying. One of the things I hate most is when people are one way to my face and another behind my back. I am not like that, I am pretty much what you see is what you get, so I don't understand ppl who act that way, which I guess is why its so frustrating to me. If I am mad at someone I just say, as I have to my cousin. She sent me email saying she still wants to be friends etc, and I was pretty clear with her what situation she has been putting me in, and while I don't want to waste my time and energy holding a grudge, I also am not very keen to be having a coffee date anytime soon.

I am really looking forward to being alone and just dealing with my own sh**. I love my family, even with all of their issues, but I need to step away for a while I think to get any better. All the money for the work I have done for my sister the last week she has paid to my cousin instead of me to make up for the money my cousin has accused me of taking, which is interesting seeing I was not in the country when it went missing. The money part is a pain because its not like I dont need it right now. And I worked very hard to get it, long hours and a lot of work, so I feel very cheated there. Especially because I didnt steal anything and yet my money has to pay for someone else who did thats mistake.

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Heather
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Oh, man. That is a really hurtful betrayal. I'm so sorry, Ems.

I agree, and I think we've talked about this in the past, some real distance from your family would be a good idea. It's been clear for a long time that there's a longstanding pattern of you being treated poorly, and I suspect that that won't have a chance of changing until or unless you can come to your family a LOT less vulnerable to the patterns of behavior there, and in a position of greater strength. Until then, it seems like it's just way, way too easy for your family members to walk all over you.

I hadn't realized the work you were doing there was for your sister, and where she was in charge of your pay. I'm so sorry that she's abused that trust and not gone about this in good faith.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Yeah it is just really unlike her to go that way about it, I am more upset that she thinks that I could do something like steal from somebody, especially a single mother, than about not giving me my pay really. I also am upset that my cousin has made out that I was somehow being taken care of all the time when I lived there, when it was more like I was taking care of the children and her a lot of the time. I never asked for anything or complained about anything. And I was always the one who stepped in financially when needed, not that I minded but at the same time I can see now that all I was doing was letting myself be walked over and taken advantage of for my love of her children.

I don't think she is a bad mother, she is a fantastic one, but I don't think she realised how much I did for the kids over the past few months. And of course my family wouldn't believe me if I even tried to explain, so I am not wasting my breath.

I think moving to wellington will be great for now, but I think in the long run, when I am financially able, leaving New Zealand would be the best option. I am always happier overseas as I have so many less worries and fears, aside from this trip because of the dramas etc. I am also thinking if I am going to be dragged through the mill in the court room (which chances are I will be as my lawyer has explained that because of his social standing in business etc, the crappy system in NZ would rather get me off their back than lose an asset), that I need to start gaining some strength about it now, starting with stepping away from other people whose problems I cant actually help with without seriously hurting myself.

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Heather
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Steal from someone who was already dipping into YOUR welfare check, no less. I mean, come on.

But this is kind of the point I was trying to make when you first talked about the sitch with your cousin, where it seemed to me you were being taken advantage of in terms of being an extra part of her meal ticket, taking care of her children for no pay, etc.

But you know, when we're in situations, we realize what we do about them when we do. And outsiders are often going to be able to see through them before we are. It sucks, but it's how it goes so much of the time. I am glad, though, you're clear on this not being a fair situation from the start: real awareness of that that you hold on to when you make choices moving forward can mean it's way less likely you'll keep winding up in these situations, you know?

I think the things you're saying in that last paragraph there are spot on. I'm also noticing that even with this happening with your sister and cousin, you're clearly bringing the same strength and clarity to this situation you had yesterday, rather than having that get knocked down, and that's fantastic.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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