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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Wanting to vent and have some feedback

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Author Topic: Wanting to vent and have some feedback
happylovetime
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I have been browsing around on this site and have been reading other people being pressured into sex even if it was something that they want to do but wasn't quite ready for it. And looking back, I was pressured into sex and probably explained why I was so unsatisfied with sex itself for a while till I met my current boyfriend that showed me otherwise.

Going back to my freshman year at college(I am in my third year of pre- medicine, working on a Biology major) I met a guy, lets call him M that was quite a bit older than me. M seemed charming and sweet. We talked and texted for a bit, I was still 17 at the time. Well my birthday went by in fall semster, and M inivited me to his place. I was nervous, I did fanatized when I was younger having sex, but never acted on them. However M talked me into getting some oral from him even though I was not comfortable with it. Even after M did it, I was still not comfortable. Then even saying a few times no to sex M talked me into having sex with him. Even to this day I regret saying yes to him. We even became F*** buddies because he talked me into it. M though he said he was teaching me to be better at sex, I felt more like a sex object to him. M always wanted me to have threesomes when I was still nervouse about sex itself. M did talk me into doing a threesome with one of his friends. And I was ashamed that I once again went against my words of no to him. M would bug me to find a girl to bring even though I was very uncomfortable of doing anything with a girl. That just didn't turn me on. But M would be on my case about finding a girl to bring. Also I was at his call and becking. It was never really when I wanted to be satisfied. If he did say he would do something for me, he never did. M would always tell me he was too tired or something. But when he wanted it, M expected me to drop everything and go to him. It was always what he wanted, never me. It was never about my needs. I was not happy. I even went on a site that a friend was using to hook up with guys. I had a few one night stands, and still was unhappy. I felt like that what I wanted didn't matter. Then I met my second ex off the site I was using. It didn't last long, we had a connection but nothing that grew. So I ended it. Then I had a LDR that I couldn't handle and ended it as well.

Then during the summer I met my boyfriend. We started like how the guy I lost my virginity to, but something more was there, and we both wanted to take the next step. And yet I felt happier and more comfortable with him. My needs were put as high priority during sex. Well as the school year was approching again, M started to text me, I told him I had a bf now and didnt want to see him. He told me on three different occasions that my bf didnt have to know that I was seeing him and still sleeping with M even I said a firm no. My boundaries of being in a committed relationship didn't matter to M. Finally I told him to stop texting me and refused to respond to his text messages. If I saw him at school, which I do, I don't say hello to him. I just keep walking.

I feel as though I was slightly wronged and wronged myself. I was shown nothing to really make me happy with myself or my body. I realized after some time that I was naive about sex and he played on that to get what he wanted from me. I do remember someone telling me to stay away from him but I thought he couldn't be as bad as they said he was. But I should have listened to her instead of letting M talk me into everythign that I said no to in the first place. Really if I could go back and choose, I would have waited longer till maybe meeting my bf and having a better first time then doing what I chose. Does anyone else feel like this?

Sorry that it is long.

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happylovetime
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Sorry for double posting, but I forgot to mention that I had to fight M on using protection. M would say it wasnt as good then for him or me. And he talked me into getting BC after I had a pregnancy scare with him and he didnt want to use protection when I was on BC for five months. I am happy that I didn't catch anything from him. I got tested for HIV after 6 months, and have had my yearly exam to make sure that everything is fine down there. I realize how unsafe I was. And how I coudl have easily caught something from him since I have no idea how many partners he had before me.
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breath
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I'm really sorry to hear that you have to undergo such experiences with M.

Some quick comments:

1) It does sound like you have grown quiet a bit and learn about validating your own sexual needs/desires since your time with M, so BIG kudos to you for that [Smile] .

2) I think that it is helpful for many people to identify the experiences they had. Clearly someone trying to "talk" you into doing something you clearly said NO first is not acceptable and clearly not mutual consentual touch. If you need to process the experience you had with M, feel free to talk here more or maybe even seek some professional help if possible, since you are on a college campus.

3). I understand your feelings like maybe you can go back and chose to have a better "first" time, but perhaps this whole magical romantized notion that there needs to be something special or perfect about "first time" is maybe just a cultural social construct and not something that I think is really pivotal for a lot of women/or people. But that's my personal opinion. As a FYI, I didn't have a "ideal" first time and in fact, as people we get to chose and decide what is our "first" time. The first time I was intimate with someone, he was in many ways like M. Many of the experiences I had with this person, I wudn't even define as sex before of the consent issue and because my own feeling, desires weren't acknowledged as they ought to be in partnered sex situation.

4) I hear you saying multiple times "how unsafe" you realize you were, and how things could have happened to you, how you should have listen to the other girl....but I don't see you put enough responsiblility or atleast equal responsilbity on M. His behavior was outside the healthy sexuality in multiple ways and I hope you do realize that it was not your fault that he was acting in ways that aren't healthy and respectful of someone in partnered sex scenario.

[ 09-12-2011, 01:35 AM: Message edited by: breath ]

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happylovetime
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Thank you for the response. Yea and I am very sure he targets freshman or younger undergrad students. I warned my sister of him so she wouldnt go through the same thing I did.

I can see how I didnt place a lot of respnsibility on M. It just didn't hit me till I met my current bf. Then I realized just how much I was treated wrong. And from other people that have posted their experiences, I gave up on saying no unless I strongly wasnt goign to back down. I got worn from him perstering me over and over again. I know now that M was very irresponable when it came to what I said as boundaries or my well being. I was also still shy during this time and I can see how that could make me a target of someone that is trying to manipulate a person. I was still not comfortable with my own body. Still am not sometimes, because I am very critical on myself.I see my flaws and down grade of what I look like. But it is something i am trying to work on with my bf supporting me.

It is nice to know that I am not the only one ot have gone through this. I am happy that I do not have to deal with M anymore, that he is something in the past and nothing more for me.

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breath
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I don't think you being shy automatically makes you a target of someone like M. What makes you a target is M's personal choice to disregard any of your thoughts/feelings on the sexual activity you have with him. Period. Plenty of non-shy people who are comfortable with their body can also find themselves in a similiar situation with M.

It sounds like you are also taking care of yourself, which is FANTASTIC. It's a journey and it's a journey many of us to through.

Again, I'm so sorry that you have to undergo such experiences with M. I hope that you are allowing yourself to feel every emotion(if that includes anger or grief) over M's treatment.

I think it's great that you recognize that M is no longer part of your life and you likely learned some important lessons from this experience. However, I believe that we are all a sum total of our experiences (past, and present). It may not be in your best interest to completely disregard M, because in some ways, your experience with M may still affect you in subtle subconscious ways unless you choose to deal with it and confront it and heal with it.....makes sense?

Also, because you mentioned that M likely has this pattern of behavior with other students as well, keep in mind that many schools have a sexual assault/consent policy and you can definately go and report your experience with M (with your info being confidential if you want) so that he can get some kind of a dicipilnary warning or atleast have a record etc. I know this because at my undergrad school, because of this petition made by 2 girls, a student was expelled. I'm not saying that M will get something serious happen to him, but atleast know that most institutions take these matters seriously and will definately have reporting procedures you can follow ,if you choice, to help others and to have a voice. Many people find that empowering and part of their healing process.

[ 09-12-2011, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: breath ]

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happylovetime
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Okay Breath. Yea it is hard to sometimes look at myself and think of good things about me. And the werid thing is that I haven't really felt any emotion about this experience. I am so use to holding emotions inside. I rarely show rare emotion use it is something that really gets to me. I can see where you make sense Breath. And I can look into that. I dont think someone else would want to go through that. It really had an effect on me while I was with him. I was raped by another man which is something that I posted on here and talked to my bf about. He knows of the other guys that I was with. But still sees me as being pure in heart and soul. Which does help because I thought a guy would look at me and think I am a slut or whore because of how our society in the US views women sleeping with quite a few guys. I really did feel like one for a while. Probably why I had a hard time dating guys for a bit, I just couldn't get over the fact that I thought I was a whore and really didn't deserve to date a really good guy. Still feel like that sometimes.
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breath
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Happylovetime, what you do with your body and who you chose to engage in sexual activity with, and how many times is YOUR business. You own your body, you can define what you do with it. Your preferences and likes/dislikes may change over time or month to month or even week or days to days, and that is completely OK. Because you are the boss, you can steer it any direction you want and even changes direction when you want to explore another terrain.

As for other people looking at your and labeling you "whore and slut" about the choices you chose to make with YOUR body, it is really not their business. Period. Society is made up of a lot of sub-cultures and I think it is not very helpful to generalize it and say that society as a whole views women as such and such. YOU get to chose which kind of people you want to associate with and they become your society.

As for the remark that you can't get over the fact that you thought you were a whore: realize that we are still growing and learning new things about the world and our place in it. What seems to make perfect since a few years back or even a months or week/days back, may no longer fit in your intellectual space once you have learned more and have more knowledge. It is OK. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.

[ 09-12-2011, 11:55 PM: Message edited by: breath ]

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happylovetime
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Okay breath, I can see what you mean.
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