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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » help?

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Author Topic: help?
janedoe891
Neophyte
Member # 71543

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Hey there, I made a small post about this the other day, but I guess I didnít really get out what I needed help with.

I got out of a sexually abusive relationship in October 2010. I continued to have constant contact with my ex-boyfriend for a few months, but cut it off once he started harassing me and saying hurtful things. In the past few months he has called me in the middle of the night, drunk, to tell me more hurtful things and to brag about the girls he has now. We go to the same (small) college, and our parents houses are relatively close to each other.

While we were still together, I blamed myself for the abuse mostly. I told myself lots of stupid excuses and dealt with the abuse because I loved him and thought he loved me too. After we broke up, I was reluctant to talk about the abuse because I still blamed myself and wasnít even sure if it was abuse. (I know it was now, thanks to Scarleteen). I still havenít really talked about it with anyone, mostly because Iím scared of what kind of response I will get. My current boyfriend is the only one who knows about the abuse, and he has been amazing in helping me trust men again.

Recently, like within the past few months, Iíve been having a lot of trouble dealing with this. I have flashbacks almost constantly throughout the day. I have nightmares at night. I freak out every time I have to go into the part of town he lives in. I even get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I see a blue car (My ex drives a blue car). I cry just thinking about it. Sometimes I even start crying when my current boyfriend touches me a certain way because it reminds me of him.

I guess the reason for my post is to ask what can I do to help me overcome this? Also, I have a really good relationship with my mom, and I want to talk to her about this, but I donít know how to tell her, and Iím scared of how sheíll respond. I know sheíll tell my dad, and my dad sees my ex almost every day, so Iím scared of his response as well. Do you guys have any advice? (sorry my post is so long...)

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

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I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, janedoe.

In your other post, you said you'd be willing to consider counseling. Is that something you would still want to look into? It's great that your boyfriend is so supportive, but having a professional on your side who can help you process all of this and help you develop techniques to deal with things like flashbacks and triggers could be so beneficial. If you need some help finding resources for that, just let us know and we'll see what we can find.

As far as telling your mom goes, that can be a tough conversation to have, but if you think she'd be supportive, that's just one more person who can help you. Have you thought about making a list of the things you want to say beforehand, maybe even just scripting a first sentence on paper so you can make sure you're saying exactly what you want to? Another thing you may want to consider is having your boyfriend there for the conversation. Even if he doesn't say anything at all, having someone for emotional support during a tough discussion can be so helpful.

I think it's possible to disclose the abuse to your mom without her telling your dad about it too: saying something along the lines of "This is very difficult for me to talk about, and I'd be more comfortable for now if Dad didn't know. If and when he does find out, I would really like to be the one to tell him, so I'm asking you please to keep this between you and me for now." could do the trick. (Obviously you don't need to use those words exactly, but something in that vein that makes it clear that you would really rather your dad didn't find out should make that boundary clear.)

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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janedoe891
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Member # 71543

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I am willing to consider counseling, but I'm sure that I can afford it..... So, are there places it's offered for free? And if so, can you help me find them?

I havent thought of making a list. That's a really good idea, makes telling her seem a little bit less scary.

On that note, my mother was sexually abused as a child. Can you thihnk of any ways I could word things so that I dont make her I guess uncomfortable (for lack of a better term)? I dont want to cause her any unnecessary pain.....

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Kachina
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Since she is your mother, she will undoubtly experience some pain knowing you experienced pain and couldn't protect you. [Frown] I know how you feel not wanting to cause her any discomfort, I myself didn't tell my mother things I should have because of that. But if you have a good relationship with her (which it sounds like you do) you could really use the support she can offer you. Pain through empathy is not exactly "unnecessary", because if she can help you, she will feel better as well.

If you are worried about triggering her due to her previous abuse, you don't have to to go into graphic detail of your abuse.

As to affordable counseling, are you in school? Most schools offer free counseling services. If not, you can give us your zip code and we can see what services are available in your area. If you don't feel comfortable posting it, you can click "contact us" at the top and it will email Heather.

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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janedoe891
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Member # 71543

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I'm in college. I researched it on my schools website, and I'm going to go in sometime next week.

Thank you!

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Kachina
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I'm glad to hear that!

Were you able to talk about anything with your mother?

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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janedoe891
Neophyte
Member # 71543

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not yet.... I'm working on the list, and trying to figure out how to bring it up.
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