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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Was it rape?

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Author Topic: Was it rape?
naturegirl
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Member # 70483

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Back in September I spent time with a guy that I had met. I was over at his place watching a movie. After the movie ended we were kissing and after a little while he started fingering. When I felt that he was crossing boundries I tried pushing him away and telling him no. It worked for a little while, and I started to not care as much. He then proceeded to have sex with him, and I clearly told him no. He asked why and I gave him my reasons, but he kept persisting. Eventually I gave in, but halfway through asked him to stop because it hurt. Is there anything that I could have done differently?
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Andrealove
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You gave in, that is what you did wrong. Really i understand you, but no one can force you into having unwanted sex, and even though he stoped when you asked him too, that still counts as rape, i hope it helped in someway

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Andrea love.

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Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

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I'd rather have sex with a girl who wants to do it. I dnt get ppl who do this. Guys have done the same thing to me over the internet. I never gave in, mostly bc of the fact that I'm a lesbian. I'm not sure I'd give in if I liked guys, but that guy u talked about in the passage is making me angry. I feel upset for u. It reminded me of these men who have tried to switch my orientation and who continue to pervertedly hit on me after I said no. I feel ur pain!!!

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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treetops
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I absolutely disagree that naturegirl did *anything* wrong; this was rape, it was the fault of the rapist, no-one else. And Andrealove, when you say 'no one can force you into having unwanted sex', unfortunately that is not true.

naturegirl, please know that this was not your fault, and there was likely not anything you could have done that would have made him behave differently. He made the decision to assault you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I'm sure someone will be along to share some helpful resources for survivors.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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treetops: thank you for coming in and catching that. Andrealove, treetops is correct, and in the future, please do not blame people who have been victimized here in any way. Ste-funnie, let's also too please not compare things to assault that aren't comparable or suggest that sexual orientation has anything to do with whether or not someone is able to coerce someone else in a situation like this (because it doesn't have anything to do with that, even if you think it does).

naturegirl: I'm sorry about those two responses here. Neither are appropriate in this forum, even though both make clear how many people don't have strong awareness about the dynamics of sexual coercion.

By all means, in any situation in life, there are things we could do differently, though it's often hard to say if that would result in different outcomes or not. You could have done something differently, but still had a similar or same outcome, after all.

Should anything like this ever happen again, your best bet, for your safety, is to try to just get away from someone who is trying to coerce you into having sex or who is otherwise crossing your boundaries.

But you know, we don't always know to do that, and sometimes the dynamics of coercion can seriously scramble our brains and our typical ways of responding to a danger, making us feel fearful, or second-guessing ourselves, or any number of things that can keep us from seeing these dangers or getting away from them when we can.

So, like treetops said, the person who did wrong here was this guy, not you. A healthy person, a healthy partner, always takes no for an answer without pushing, and doesn't keep crossing lines the other person lets them know they're crossing.

Where do you want to take this from here? Do you want to talk about it some more, do you want to talk about options to report this, do you want help finding local resources for support?

[ 07-04-2011, 07:54 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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naturegirl
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I'm afraid to report it just because I talk to some of his friends still. I have talked about with friends that I can trust and they are supportive. One of them mentioned somewhere that I can go for counseling and support. Should I tell my family, and how?
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naturegirl
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I'm afraid to report it just because I talk to some of his friends still. I have talked about with friends that I can trust and they are supportive. One of them mentioned somewhere that I can go for counseling and support. Should I tell my family, and how?
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atm1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 37835

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You certainly don't have to report it if you do not feel comfortable reporting. What was the place that your friend mentioned? If it is a rape crisis center, then they'll be a very good resource in terms of getting counseling and talking about the pros and cons of reporting it.

If you want additional help in terms of finding a center where you can go for counseling, feel free to use the "contact us" button to send along your zip code for us to look up a center. You can also contact RAINN by phone 800-656-HOPE or online www.rainn.org.

It is also entirely up to you to decide if you'd like to tell your family. If you think that they would be supportive and helpful, then telling them might be a good idea. If you're unsure how they'd react, it's a bit more complicated.

Do you want to tell us more about your family and talk more about that decision? Or would you rather focus on finding local resources for help?

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naturegirl
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I know that my sister would be supportive because she's been abused too. My friend mentioned MOCSA, and I've heard about Safe Home. I'm with my parents for the summer before I head back to college in August, and right now we're busy getting everything ready for my sister's wedding.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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That phone hotline atm linked you to is something that's always available to you.

So, even if you have to hold off on getting ongoing, in-person help for a bit, figure you have that and someplace like this you can always use in a pinch if you need support in the meantime, okay?

Is there anything you want or need to talk about today?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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