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Author Topic: what should i do?!?!
lovinglife
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Member # 43743

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I met a guy last year and we instantly clicked. we use to chill together and we both accepted that we both had partners. we just made out and nothing more. My boyfriend and his girlfriend both found out about us, but yet we still would see each other.He told me that he was going to leave his girlfriend for me and if I would do the same. It was hard for me to let him do that when I knew that I didnt want to leave my boyfriend for him although his girlfriend had already found a place and was moving out.I told him that I really loved my boyfriend and that I wasnt leaving him and he kicked me out his car, just a block from where I live. That was february and we didnt speak from that moment. In April I got a call that he was in prison. He has been in prison since April and I haven't gone to see him. Making matters wosrt my boyfriend went searching in my computer and found a picture of him kissing on my neck, which has made our relationship on rocks. He an I had an argument and he told me to go see him in prison because it seems as though he is the one I want. My boyfriend has forgiven me for the picture and we are moving on from there.I really love my boyfriend a whole lot , but I really want to visit that friend in prison. I dont know what I should do because if I go to visit him one of two things can happen- he could not want to speak to me because we haven't spoken since february or my boyfriend could find out and get upset again because he would think that I really love this guy although I have denied anything went on between me and the guy in jail. Another problem is that his girlfriend might be visiting and I dont want to look like a fool and go and dont get to see him. I dont want to disappoint my boyfriend and yet this guy was great to me gave me everything I needed when I asked, was my comfort zone when I needed and is an awesome guy I do not want to loose. What should I do?!?!?!?!?
Posts: 36 | From: N,Y | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
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It sounds to me like you have decided that you want to stay in your current relationship. If that's the case, and you two have a monogamy agreement, then you need to stop seeing this other guy.

If you still want to go and visit him because he's a friend who's in a rough spot right now, I would encourage you to be honest about that with your boyfriend, rather than sneaking out to see him.

If you still have feelings for this other guy, then you need to re-think your current relationship. Either way, you'll want to stop lying to your boyfriend about this, as that's pretty unfair on him.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Can I ask what this person is in prison for?

As well, have you talked with your boyfriend about the possibility of visiting this person in prison and been honest about your continued feelings for him? If not, can I ask why you think you're choosing -- and potentially about to choose again -- to continue with a pattern of dishonesty in your current relationship?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Also, never heard back from you after your last post about sketchily-obtained medications. I very much hope you're doing okay.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lovinglife
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i have feeling for this guy in prison but i do not want any relationship with him. he looked out for me so i think its best that i look out for me. i would feel terrible that do not look for him in prison. my boyfriend once heard me say that i woould visit him and he got upset with me for that. So how can i tell him that i want to see this guy when all he thinks is that i am looking for him because i love him , not because we are friends. he is in prison because someone drove his car and shot at someone. i do notwant to disrespect my bf and tell him that i am inlove with someone else. he has never done that to me so i cant hurt his feelings
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lovinglife
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yes I am fine and got what I needed. Thanks for being concerned
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Heather
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The vast, vast majority of people in prison are in prison because they committed a crime to get there. If someone used his car to commit a crime he had nothing to do with whatsoever -- like if he did not lend his car to this person for them to shoot someone, or with knowledge they would -- he would not be in prison. It sounds to me like this person probably hasn't given you the whole story.

Honestly, I'm guessing this guy isn't so awesome and perfect, and I agree with you that your very best bet is to sever your ties and let him take care of himself.

But in the meantime, rather than considering feelings for this person who probably isn't a good choice for you in a relationship, or the "choice" of your boyfriend, how about really taking a good look at how the relationship you're already in has been going and is going, moving forward? It sounds like maybe you have some things you already need to work with and get a good look at in this relationship, maybe even thinking about if it's the right one for you, not compared to another one, but just period.

Do you know what I mean? Maybe this guy looks so awesome and perfect, even though it seems unlikely he is, because you're unhappy in your current relationship. It's amazing sometimes how good things that really aren't can seem when we're unhappy or dissatisfied with something else.

[ 06-06-2011, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lovinglife
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no i do not know what you mean. as i told you he looked out for me. an i feel guilty of not doing the same. another problem i heard my bf got someone preggo and i have asked him 3 times and he has denied it. yet i dont beleive him what can i do.i love him and want to be with him. i really need a way to see threw him. i ave asked him. i need a conversational way of talking the truth out of him.
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lovinglife
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an yes i have sad i do not want a relationship with the guy in prison. i just want to see him and let my bf know without loosing our relationship
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Heather
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He looked out for you with...? Want to fill me in so I can better understand?

So, it sounds like both of you are having a hard time being honest with each other maybe? Who knows if this is true (though it seems you yourself have experienced unintended pregnancies with this person, too). But in a relationship where people keep things from each other rather than being honest, in order to change that, it takes time, rebuilding trust, and an intent on both sides TO be honest.

There's no way to make someone tell the truth. They either will or they won't. There's no way of "getting it out" of someone.

Do you also want to fill me in a bit more on how this relationship you're already in has been? because it's not actually sounding like something that's been that great or that you've been satisfied with. In fact, based on your post history, it's looking a bit to me like you might -- not saying you are, just maybe -- be choosing relationships that aren't so great for you or that could sabotage your other life plans.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just saw your second post.

Given your dishonesty around this person, I'd say that your best bet if you feel you must see him is to a) tell your boyfriend and b) invite him to go with you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lovinglife
Neophyte
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he helped me out with anything and everything I needed when I asked like cash, was my comfort zone when I needed when my bf and i had problems . i ,ight agree that i have made wrong relationship choices, but is there a way inwhich i can make him sit down again and talk , please the last time we talked about i we were laying i bed but i am heading hom and wont get to see him again due to school. i dont want to ask him over thephone , cause i feel better face to face. my realtionship has not been bad but i have been seeing a lil less attention from him and he is always on his phone . whn i ask who is taling to he says someone .
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lovinglife
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no my bf wouldnt dare go!!! he hates this guy
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Heather
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Whether or not he would go is irrelevant. The point is that you'd invite him to make clear this is in good faith, with full honesty, and that he would be welcome to go.

But you know, here's the thing. If you lied about this guy to your boyfriend and went outside an agreement to be exclusive, and this person is a criminal, I don't think we can expect your boyfriend is going to be thrilled about him. I also don't think it's fair to expect your boyfriend to trust him or you so soon after trust was broken.

Sometimes, we need to not do something we want to in order to make or keep things right with someone else. So, it may be that you either don't see this guy or don't see him until you and your boyfriend have rebuilt trust, if you are staying in this relationship and do want to repair it.

With your current relationship, again, it's clear there's lots of distrust on both sides. But if you two are both truly invested in each other, then yes, anytime one of you says you need time to have serious talks, the other should be readily willing to make that time. If he isn't, then that tells you he's not very invested in this relationship, because that's simply something we need to do now and then in relationships we care about.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lovinglife
Neophyte
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any help with him tellin me about the girl preggo
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm really not sure what you're asking for that I can give you.

Like I said, no one can make anyone be truthful with them. And in a relationship where there is a pattern of dishonesty on both sides, especially if no one is working on changing that, it's more likely people won't be truthful.

So, do you think you both WANT to be honest with each other about everything? Do you think that's something you both are capable of doing, even when it's hard or scary? Do you think that's realistically something you both will do?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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