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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » keep having nightmares about the abuse

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Author Topic: keep having nightmares about the abuse
Member # 61678

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heyy i meantioned on my first post that i suffered child abuse from my moms violent partner well now i keep having nightmares about it and find it hard to have sex because of this everywhere i go im reminded of what happend its like theres no escaping it , i honestley dont know what to do . what if my relationship ends up like this ? :'(
Posts: 21 | From: wolverhampton | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 25425

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I know you said in your other thread that you are not interested in getting counseling, but I would agree that counseling would be very helpful for you at this point.

Would you like to have a conversation about why you're afraid of getting counseling? Maybe we can unpack some of that, so you can give counseling a try and start working towards healing.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I don't really have any good advice for you, and I am sorry about what has happened. But i just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I have been having similar issues with some memories of my childhood now creeping up in my dreams or even just making it hard to close my eyes at night. It also makes me feel like there is no escaping all the memories when they even affect me in my sleep, where i used to want to escape to when i was having a difficult time dealing with life.

I agree though that counseling may be helpful...I have been in counseling at my school and I have a hard time actually talking about the things that I am struggling with, but I have been realizing lately that I may have to actually deal with all of this and allow professionals to help me in order for things to get any better. And that is a scary thought, but it is something that might be really helpful for you.

I am sorry I can't give you any advice to help. I know it can be difficult to deal with some of this stuff. I just know sometimes it helps just a little to know that you aren't the only one dealing with these types of things and makes it a little less lonely. Hope it helps a little and you feel at least little better soon. And hang in there

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 63296

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You both are not alone. I was molested by a cousin from the time I was 5 all the way up to high school. When I finally found the courage to tell, I was bombarded by nightmares. I woke up screaming every night. I thank my lucky stars that I had such a loving and supporting mom to get me through everything. She slept in my bed every night for years so that when I woke up in the middle of the night, she was right there to comfort me.

I had a hard time with therapy because I never really found someone that "clicked", but it is important to try. Eventually every day things will get a little better, and bit by bit the nightmares will stop. It's 20 years later and I still have the occasional nightmare, or flashback during intimacy, but I get through it because I have close friends and family that I can trust to go to.

For years, i suffered from high blood pressure, anxiety, depression, and suicidal tendencies...but one day I said enough is enough. I knew that I was rid of my abuser, yet I was still carrying around a heavy anchor of anger, shame, and pain. Finally I got sick of it and I decided that HE was not going to drag me down anymore! I found that what helped me was to literally take charge of my body again. I looked at myself in the mirror and said every day "this is MY body and MY life, and i'm going to love it and take care of it". I decided right then and there that I would take charge of my life. I started, quite simply, by getting out and walking. I found that this allowed me time to think to myself, and helped because exercise boosts the "feel good" also had the added benefit of dropping some excess pounds, which boosted my self esteem.

I also found a doctor who was very gentle that i trusted through an organization called Planned Parenthood (which sadly is currently in danger of losing its funding). Even though I was scared, and it took years before I could muster up the courage, I went for a full physical exam. The doctors and nurses were very professional, gentle and understanding, and I could ask them ANYTHING.

I used to have problems with intimacy, and many relationships ended horribly because my partners were either sick of me not wanting to have sex, or frustrated with my crying. They used to say things like "i'm not your abuser, don't take it out on me". This was a blow to my already fragile self esteem.

Now, i am only with people that are understanding. If they can't be patient with me, then they are not the right person to be with. I have gone through periods of celibacy as well as periods of intense desire for intimacy. I told myself it is ok to have either, or both, or neither, as long as it was MY choice, and I was always safe about it.

One of my friends had confided in me that she had been abused too. She helped me to work through my intimacy issues by teaching me how to get back in "touch" with myself. She taught me a great little trick. close your eyes and run your hands over parts of your body like your elbows or your belly or the backs of our knees. places that are not necessarily associated with sexual feelings. take your time and really feeeeeeel your elbows, then, eventually over time, get to know every inch of your skin.

I was lucky enough to find an adolescent social support group for glbtq teens. Here I found that I wasn't so alone. I also found that it was helpful to become part of this peer-led group and learn everything I could about safer sex practices, and then teach my peers about it too. It was very empowering to know that I was smart about sex, whether I chose to have it or not.

I used to take myself on dates, buy myself flowers, treat myself to dinners. I did nice things for me and reintroduced myself to a new me. One who was proud, confident, loving, gentle, kind, and smart.
I still take myself out every once in a while, when I'm feeling stressed or lonely.

so you see, I understand your reluctance to seek therapy, and even though i had my share of awful therapists, there ARE some really good ones out there. And even if you never DO find a therapist that works, the best therapy you can give yourself is to love, trust,educate, and empower yourself.

it does get are not alone

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."-Dr. Seuss

Posts: 5 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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