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LostMySoul22
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I have this urge to tell one of my Professors (a female who already knows about the whole "roofie" event; I had to tell her because I needed to explain why I was skipping all my classes--I was avoiding them!) that I now know I was raped that night.

But how do I tell her without the whole school finding out? When I told her I was nervous about this one class, because of field trips, she assured me the Professor was nice (and he's a great guy), but she also went behind my back and e-mailed him, explaining my dilemma--to what degree, I have absolutely no idea. I also broached the subject with him, explaining my fear of the overnight camping field trip, and that's when I'd found out about her e-mailing him. I was a bit uncomfortable about that, but it sounded innocent enough, and I trust her.

I just want someone on campus to believe me. And I know she will. She was the only one I told on campus (and I didn't tell many) that actually believed I was roofied, and actually said, "They put something in your drink; they drugged you..." before I could say the words myself.

I just want SOMEONE there to believe me. I want to feel like if they do something to me on campus, I can run to someone and break down, rather than continue this torment in isolation.

So, how do I broach the subject, and how do I ask her not to tell others, when I know she'll want to--not to be rude, but because she'll be upset and worried? Is there a way, or should I just kick this desire to the curb and let it wash down the sewer drain rather than allow chaos to overwhelm my reality?

This desire is actually acute to the point of pain, of internal agony. Like, I feel as if I'll shatter into a million pieces if I DON'T tell her. So, how do I deal with the aftermath or telling her, or likewise about NOT telling her.

Friggen hell, why is there NEVER an easy answer!?!?! [Frown]

[ 02-27-2011, 12:50 AM: Message edited by: LostMySoul22 ]

Posts: 147 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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How have you been doing with talking to your counselor? Have you been able to talk more directly about having been raped?

I absolutely understand your desire to talk to your professor, and I think it's a valid one, especially in terms of having some support on campus. But given how your university has reacted so far, I'm also a little worried, and I'd hate to see you have to deal with disappointment again.

So my suggestion would be that you try to talk to your counselor, first. They'll know just how to support you and help you in talking about this for the first time, so that's much more likely to be a safe setting for you. I'd also suggest that you talk to your counselor about your plans to approach your professor, so that you have someone who can be there for you if it doesn't go well.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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LostMySoul22
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Scheduling an appointment with my counselor is harder done than said. There's one counselor for every several dozen women who need help, and for so many things, there's an enormous waitlist.

No, I have only said the words, "I was raped," twice aloud, and that's it. Once to a doctor who was going to do a physical (I allowed the bare minimum to be done), and most recently, to my mother. That is it.

I'm starting to back off of telling that professor, because I'm going to bring an advocate with me and see the Dean of Students. I want as little information spreading around as possible before that happens. So, I'll just have to shove/stuff this desire back down into that empty hole in my chest. I feel as if I will never be complete again. I feel broken, like a bottle thrown to the concrete, which cannot be glued back together again.

And that just really sucks.

[ 03-05-2011, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: LostMySoul22 ]

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Stephanie_1
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While it's really tough and you feel broken now, (sorry to go cliche when I always rolled my eyes to people throwing this at me after I was raped) it gets better with time. Hang in there, we're all here for you. You can do this <3

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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LostMySoul22
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It's been almost a year, though it's only been the last 2-ish months that I started remembering actual details. But it all getting better feels SO FAR away, like on an ocean's shore 10,000 miles away. And that just makes this all harder.
Posts: 147 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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