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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Trying to get over a possible rape situation

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Author Topic: Trying to get over a possible rape situation
happylovetime
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I have been reading this section and somethign really hit home. I had a one night stand that I agreed to do it a little rough. But when it came to it, it wasnt what I had in mind. I had a gag put in my mouth, hands handcuffed, and blindfolded. I had no problems with that. I like a bondage a little. But when it came to the sex, it wasnt what I wanted. I dont remember everything but a lot of pain. I know that he was using toys on me but was really rough with them. I was screaming and crying hard the whole time. I vaguely remember that when he asked me if I wanted to stop and I shook my head yes, he would keep going, sayign a slut doesnt stop till the man is done with her. I cant remember all that was said or the details as this was very painful for me. He called me a slut and his whore now. I know I kinda brought this upon myself and I regret agreeing to anything with this man, however I did say beforehand to be somewhat gentle with me still.

I dont mind a little rough play which my bf will do from time to time when we both agree. But we have a safeword that I will say if it has gone too much. Strict boundaries are laid down that will not be broken. But the roughness this man did was way over my boundary of what I liked in roughness. I know that I consented to it at first thinking that it would be okay and nothing to bad. But as soon as he started to shove my panties up into me, it just got worse. I have never seen that man again. Has anyone else been this degradged to where they treat you like you are indeed a slut or whore even though you are not and just experimenting with sex?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It is rape, sexual abuse or assault -- not everyone is comfortable with the same language -- anytime someone does something sexual on, to or inside of someone who does not consent.

He asked if you wanted to stop. You said yes. He ignored that, and then verbally and sexually abused you.

Consent isn't something that a person cannot withdraw. You consented at first, then you withdrew your consent. He ignored that and decided to assault you. That was his choice, his fault, not your choice or your fault.

So yes, many, many people have been treated like this: around one in every four to one in every six women, and around one in every ten men, depending on estimates, have been sexually assaulted or abused.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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happylovetime
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Okay. Thanks Heather. I feel terrible that I let myself get into a situation.
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Heather
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...except for the part where you didn't.

You said to stop: he didn't stop. That wasn't you putting yourself in that situation, that was you making an effort to prevent it.

Unfortunately, this person chose to assault you.

Some sex partners won't do anything kinky at all and will then assault partners. Some partners we may have for sex that includes things like bondage will never assault us. because you chose to engage in sex that involved things like bondage doesn't make getting assaulted anyone's fault but the person who made an express choice to assault you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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happylovetime
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Yea that is true. I guess it is the regret I feel about it.
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Heather
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Do you want to talk about what you feel you regret?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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happylovetime
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Sure. I talked about it last night with my bf also. He got mad at the guy and sad and just held me.

I regert meeting up with him for a one night stand and agreeing to the rough play really. And I feel bad because I can understand what my mom went thru because I guess she was raped when she was in college.

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Heather
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I think you know already that agreeing to more aggressive sex or sex with S/M elements doesn't mean agreeing to rape: clearly, you have a relationship now that illustrates that.

I hope you can recognize that it's possible this would have happened even if the kind of sex you started having involved rosepetals and candles and violins, yes?

You wound up having sex with someone who turned out to be a rapist. So often, there's just no predicting that, even for people who wind up raped in long-term relationships.

You perhaps understanding your Mom a little better is probably more of a blessing than a misfortune, though, eh? It's often really hard to understand our parents, so understanding their experiences better is usually a good thing, even if how that happens is awful.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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happylovetime
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Yea. It is very possible for someone to have something sweet set up and do the complete opposite.

That is true. She doesnt really talk about what happened in her early sex life. I guess my dad didnt even know and she broke down crying at home and told him and my sister. Which could explain why she always wanted me and my sis to be together and know where we were at all times.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Just checking in to see how you're feeling today. Sometimes when we start talking about trauma it can feel like a relief, but can also churn up new difficult feelings.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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happylovetime
Neophyte
Member # 55584

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I am feeling better about this. Bf is supportive about how I feel with this. He is always willing to hear me out even if it does hurt him a little or makes him angry. He just holds me and says that no one else will ever do that to me as long as he is still breathing.

I probably wont tell my mom about this for a long time till I think it is time for me to tell her about this.

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