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Author Topic: Encouragement :/
Controversy
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Hi everyone!

I know i've been here recently getting a bunch of help with my problems. From my recent posts i've gotten help finding therapy (thank you heather!), but im not going there just yet. I know it may take a little time to get me fully recovered from my previous abuse (including sexual).

But since i wont get therapy just yet, i just wanted to see if i could get some encouragement from you all.

As in my previous posts, i state im in a relationship. I've been with him for about 8 months, and i STILL havent given him oral. He wants it, and i want it, but im too.. i wouldnt say nervous, just a bit scared (due to my sexual abuse when i was younger). He isn't forcing me to do anything, he is being very very patient. But i want to do this, but i dont know what to say to myself to get me to this point.

Everytime i get close, i turn my head away and get scared. I'm so ashamed of myself, i've been trying to do this for months, and i cant seem to do it. Is there any way to convince myself into doing it, like psychologically?

Thank you so much in advance, and thank you to everyone who was helping me in my previous posts, you have no idea how great you all are!

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breath
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It takes a lot of courage to do all that you have been doing to take care of youself. I am sory that you have had to deal with abuse- Abuse of all kinds -sexual, verbal, phsyical-is horrific and no one deserves to be on the receiving end of that treatment, no matter what has occurred.

You state that despite your best intentions, you find yourself unable to give this person oral sex. You state you have a strong adverse physical reaction to it, like someone may have a reflex reaction from bitter medicine(not the best analogy but you get the point).

Given what you have observed about yourself and your body's reaction, it may be best to just wait and indulge in other things (Sexual or otherwise) that you can do easily , and which DO bring you contentment, pleasure and sense of security and peace etc. Can you think of some of those activities?

No one should every feel ashamed of themselves for not being comfortable undertaking a sexual act. There also no way for us to "convince" ourselves to do something our bodies are not ready at this moment to do for whatever reason. it is best to be true to ourselve, even if it's does not meet our set "expectations" of what ought to happen.

hope this helps!

[ 02-07-2011, 01:58 AM: Message edited by: breath ]

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Thank you for your reply

When you gave that analogy it made me feel better, because thats exactly how i react and I was never able to explain it that well.

I guess what your asking me to do makes more sense than what I was trying to do. I can think of a bunch of things to do other than that. I just sometimes feel bad that I can't give him what he asks for, but I guess i'll have to explain to him more on why I can't do that at this time..

I'll try my best to look at this situation differently, thank you so very much, your reply helped a lot, I really appreciate it [Smile]

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breath
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I think it's great that you are going to communicate to your partner clearly why this particular act is not something that you are comfortable with this time.Do you have an idea of how such a conversation might go and what will you say?

It is completely normal for anyone -- at any age (not just when we are younger or less experienced or recovering from past abuse)-----to not feel totally comfortable to engage in a particular act at a given time. We are still the same wonderful people and have our ability to love, be a good responsive partner to someone else, or to enjoy a relationship.

It is normal for many people to feel ashmed when they are not able to do something despite trying. However no one should ever have to feel not feel ashamed of our bodies and its innate reactions.

Do you want to talk more about what thoughts/feeling come when you are unable to undertake this action?

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Controversy
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I'm not exactly sure on how to bring it up actually, i've been trying, but i know i'll just ease into and answer any questions he has about it. I am still quite afraid of his reaction, but im starting to believe he'll understand. Since him and i have been progressing in our relationship, and i really trust that he loves me, i think it may be time to tell him everything he wants to know.

Thats what i was thinking about as well, him and i are very lovey with each other and cuddle alot (which makes me feel safe). What if i tell him and he takes it as im not going to be able to love him as much, or he cant love me as much, and he ends up being less lovey and touchy with me..

And im not sure what to talk about...about it, i mean when it happens i get a tight feeling in my chest and its like i almost have an anxiety attack. I think about what happened to me and i get disgusted with the sexual act and with the person who did it, and i keep remembering and practically get turned off sexually. I've said that in a previous post, and i have helped myself a bit, but i know once i get therapy i should be even better [Smile] .. And when all this happens my boyfriend doesnt understand whats going on, so he tells me to stop and that i dont have too, and that he'll wait forever.

So him saying that, also gives me a hint that he would take it lightly.. if i tell him the real problem.

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breath
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I think it takes a lot of courage for you to come here and address something that causes you so much pain and painful memories. You are a very strong person for doing so!

I will write more in a bit and hope other volunteers and Heather can chip in here, as well.

-Some questions to consider:

From your writing it seems like you are very focused on his reactions once he hears clearly from you that you are not able to give him oral sex at this time. You do not have to tell him "everything about past or past incidents of abuse" if you do not feel comfortable right now for whatever reason. Often times, when we are at at a safe, secure place to share our personal details with someone, it happens more or less effortlessly. So, maybe you can think about this to roughly put things in prespective: have you talked or discussed or described other difficult incidents or feelings (not necessarly related to past incidents of abuse) to him before? What was the response you received from your partner? His response may give you insights/evidence on whether your relationship is at a point right now where it is a safe supportive space for you to disclose past abusive incidents and its impact on you.

While it's natural for you to be concerned about his reactions and its impact on your relationship, I think we first and foremost need to take care of ourselves, so let's prioritize you and your needs first.

Would you be interested in talking more to understand why/how keeping oral sex off may be beneficial for you and your mental/emotional health?

[ 02-08-2011, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: breath ]

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Thank you so much [Smile]

I'm very focused on that, and i know i won't have to tell him everything.. but I think I should, I know in one of my old posts someone tried to help me with this and sadly i've been trying since then hah. And yes, I have actually told him about one incident with the family (actually involving abuse..) and he said he didn't want to hear anymore because he got so pissed off at the person I was talking about. So I don't know what to make of that reaction.. he didn't want to hear anymore because of his anger towards the subject and he gave me a big hug. Does this mean that I shouldn't tell him?

And alright.. and yes.. i'm also worried that if I do pursue oral sex and do it anyway against my thoughts, that i'd hurt myself even more. Is that possible? Cause I had it in my mind that if I did it, the trauma would disappear, and i'd think "oh this is easy, i'll be ok now".

I was also looking forward to talking to a therapist about this, but since I can't just yet I thank you so much for talking to me.

I also just want to add here on how amazing this site is, and how great every single one of the staff members are! I don't know where i'd be if it wasn't for this site, before i joined i would read things here and it gave me alot of the courage i have now. And now that im talking with most of you, its helping me even more. [Smile]

[ 02-08-2011, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: Controversy ]

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breath
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Agreed! I am also just as amazed the power of this exchange and the strong, incredibly smart supportive people.


It sounds like you feel confident in telling him. Some people find it helpful to write or talk to someone before hand what they might say or what they want to disclose or talk about. If you like, you can write here something that you may want to say to him.

Also, just checking, what do you hope to accomplish from this talk with him? Please be as specific as possible in what you want to see AFTER this talk. And how would you feel / what would do if despite both of your and his best intentions, you do not get the desirable outcome in the long run?


About his response: While certaintly it is empathetic, ie. he gave you a hug and was angry at the abusers, he also *did* indicate verbally clearly that he does not want to hear it anymore. This is not a reflection of you--in fact that you have to say is very important and integral part of YOU- it shows that at this point, he is not at a emotional place where he is comfortable / mature to understand those abuse dynamics and therefore not able to provide you completly with teh support a therapist, a good understanding friend or any of us here might, through words and mental understanding. Just something to keep in mind. It is fine, as long as you know that you can make decisions that protect you/give you safety,security that you need.

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breath
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No one can predict completely how you feel if you nevertheless gave him oral sex, despite your body's adverse reaction to it. However, based on what a lot of people in similiar situations have found--is that trauma unfortunately does not disappear by undertaking a specific action (in your case oral sex). It often takes a lot of time,patient,self-care and devoting ourselves to things that do enhance our self-esteem and sense of self (for me for e.g. that may be focusing on my career, doing volunteer work, swimming, etc).

I think that you are accurate, or not too far from the truth, that it is possible to hurt or further tramatize ourselves even more if we impulsely allow ourselves to do something that we are not comfortable with.

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Controversy
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I'll write some things on paper, and then write it here, I think that would help greatly [Smile]

When I talk to him about this is hope to fill that empty answer that I never told him. He always wanted to know why i'm so shy, why I don't converse with people too much, and why I dislike most sexual things. He never forces me to tell, he just says he is there for me, and that I can trust him. I hope to have a more honest relationship with him [Smile] But if when I tell him and it goes the wrong way..i'm not sure what i'd do, I know for sure i'd be deeply upset, but i'll have to see what happens when the time comee.

Oh okay.. that puts it together quite well. Because I honestly didn't know what to think of his response. I only told one friend about my past and he had a completely different response, he let me tell him everything, then tried to help. So it just confused me, to compare the reactions.

From what you said I don't think i'll engage in oral sex by forcing myself. I really don't want a chance in furthering my trauma.. I'll be patient, and if the time comes i'll do it, but only if i feel comfortable with it. Also, with telling my boyfriend, I was also hoping he could ease my need to do it. Maybe he could reassure me that it isn't of need..

[ 02-08-2011, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: Controversy ]

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breath
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Just to clarify--
when I said that it shows that at this point, he is not at a emotional place where he is comfortable / mature to understand those abuse dynamics and therefore not able to provide you completly with the support a therapist, a good understanding friend or any of us here might....I just wanted to point that different people always have different sometimes seemly bizarre/contradictory reactions when we tell them personal things. A lot of times, it has to do with their own knowledge, personal awarenss and empathy...I know that although I consider myself to be a nice person, I would not have understood abuse so deeply and so closely until I analyzed and got help (and a big part of it was Scarleteen) . I may not have been so empathatic / understanding if someone shared a trauma with me before, b.c I hadn't yet learned how to process. My lack of knowledge / understanding may come across as rude, impolite etc to others, but that's where I was at that time.

While no one can say compeletely why your BF reacted in that manner, without knowing his background/history, but hope this may help put things in prespective for you. He did however show empathy and understanding in his actions, and how did you feel afterwards?

It sounds to be me that you feel confident and would like to have this conversation. Don't hesistate to come back if you would like to talk some more or share your thoughts on it.

Additionally, you said that you were 'hoping that he could ease you need to do it[oral sex]". Do you want to talk more about it ie. why and how you feel the 'need' for oral sex?

[ 02-08-2011, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: breath ]

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Controversy
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Oh okay, I understand..so I really shouldn't take his reaction as odd? Afterwards I felt that I shouldn't have told him, like I just added onto his worries he had for me. I felt as if I couldn't tell him as much as I hoped. I just don't want him thinking about this too much. But when I talk to him about my reasons for being afraid of some sexual things, im planning on easing in, and if he seems to be getting uneasy i'll just stop..

I will for sure come back, I know that im going to spend all day saturday with him, and i'll possibly talk to him then.

I just want him to give me reassurance that he doesn't want it as much as I think he does.. I just feel the need for it because almost every other couple does that, and I dont want him to think he is missing out on something. I kind of feel like I am too, but im just too scared :/

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Heather
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You know, even if someone really wants to have a certain kind of sex, if they are a healthy someone, they probably only really want it IF the other person ALSO really wants it. Know what I mean?

As well, just because -- if -- someone really wants something doesn't mean they're also not or can't be totally okay with not having it happen right now, especially if it's about something like someone they really care about needing more time to heal from trauma.

And probably, if that someone really cares about you? They want for you to be able to heal and care for yourself well way more than they want a blow job. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Wow, I really didn't have any of that come to mind at all..when I read that it really made me feel a lot better. Thank you Heather, it took a bit of a weight off my shoulders
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Heather
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Happy to help. [Smile]

It can be hard to remember, or even think about, some of that when we have a history of abuse because, of course, people who abuse are NOT healthy in those ways.

But people who are not abusive, who don't abuse, and who earnestly want to care for someone else while also caring for themselves are going to care in those ways.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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You have such good insight. I actually do have problems with thinking that people don't care as much as they say they do. Thats why I get so shy around others, I like withdrawl..

Thank you again.. I really needed that [Smile]

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I just wanted to ask something.. I know in one of my old posts I talked about how my family disapproves of sex or ANY sexual activity between two young individuals.

Just a couple days ago I got talking with my sister about relationships and she said how if her boyfriend ever wanted oral sex, she would absolutely refuse it, and if it went to far she would end the relashionship due to oral sex.

Truthfully this made me feel a bit better.. considering how she hates it so much and views it as wrong. It made me feel like I wasn't alone. But im afraid of it, not disgusted by it. I know i've asked this before.

But is she just saying this so I won't do it with my boyfriend? Or is she truely disgusted by it? She said how God never meant for people to do that... and how it's the most repulsive thing. She said I would get sick from it. Now she is making me also think its a bad thing to do... but I don't want to think that way. If I ever come to the point where im finally ready for it...I'm worried her words will influence me.

I love and trust her so much, that I'm now taking her words as complete fact with oral sex. Can people really get sick from it? Is it that bad for me and my boyfriend? I've read alot on this site about oral sex.. But she reads a bunch of books and i'm worried that she came across something that I missed [Frown]

I'm really really sorry for constantly asking so many questions.. i'm just so new to these things because until now i'm finally opening up to my boyfriend due to past trauma. I feel like such a nuisance on the boards most of the time..

[ 02-11-2011, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: Controversy ]

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Heather
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Oral sex does not offer any more opportunities for illness than vaginal intercourse does: in fact, vaginal intercourse is much higher risk for infections. I can't address what anyone's god thinks about any kind of sex because I can't ask anyone's god about it.

That said, even though some of what your sister is saying is not true, that doesn't mean that a) if you feel comforted by what she said that's not okay or b) that you have to have oral sex is that is not something you want. Even if it is NEVER something you want. All kinds of sex are supposed to be optional, for all people.

As to whether or not it would be bad for you and your boyfriend, as with ANY sexual activity, that would likely depend on just a few things: if you both WANTED to engage in oral sex, if, if and when you did, you followed safety protocols, just like you'd need to with vaginal intercourse to protect your health and if you and he , if both those situations were in place, engaged in oral sex in ways that felt right and good for both of you, uniquely. If things like that were NOT going on, then with this, like with other kinds of sex and other things in life period, it's more likely to be a problem or a bad experience. Whereas if those things were all in place and going on, it'd be more likely to be a good one.

No need to be sorry for asking questions! You're not a nuisance. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohh okay.. I didn't really realize that vaginal intercourse posed more infection risks.

So your saying that I could technically take my sisters words into consideration and make up my own mind on if I ever want oral sex or not, while keeping in mind what she thinks?

Alright! [Smile] so I read that (for safety protocols with oral) some people wear a condom. If I ever get to the point where I participate in oral sex. Is the condom a good idea? But if both partners are clean from std's/sti's it isn't needed right?

And alright, thank you [Smile]

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Heather
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It does. It's also sage to say that penis-in-vagina sex poses more possible health risks period because it can create pregnancies, and pregnancy comes with a whole host of health risks.

I'd not put stock in things she's saying that are simply factually not true. I don't think doing that ever tends to help people make decisions: making choices based on incorrect information is usually a recipe for disaster.

But I think that if you feel better knowing someone else -- even if their reasons are flawed -- chooses not to engage in oral sex and that makes you feel better in making your own choice not to, I don't see any reason that isn't okay. However, when it comes to making your own choices, I'd suggest you do your best to really focus on what you want and think and whatever it is that feels best to you.

For the information you're asking for around safer sex, why don't you take a look at this guide right here: Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Yeah, pregnancy is like a huge step. And okay, i'll try my best to do that, i'll focus more on my own opinions and wants.

Alright, i'll read it over right now [Smile] thank you!

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Update!

Well I talked to my boyfriend about my past issues and my traumas. He was okay with it [Smile] He told me there is absolutely no need or rush to have oral sex. He said that he would only want me to do it if I feel comfortable about it. I feel so relieved... I know it took me a long to time to have the courage to tell him, but im glad I did. I personally think it strengthened the relationship, because we are now focusing on other areas of our relationship (including other sexual things that im okay with). He is being very supportive!

Thank you soo much Heather and Breath. You both gave me courage and made me see the conflict i had with myself alot more clear [Smile]

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