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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » My sister is being abused..help!

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Author Topic: My sister is being abused..help!
chapsticklovin
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I have a sister two years younger then me. She is the baby of the family and though my family was not rich to spoil her with material things, she was given a lot of attention and was adored by all the members of the family.

When she was younger although she would get a lot of love and support by all members of the family my sister has always been very self concious. She is very doubtful of her self and when we were kids she use to write about killing herself and ending her life. Whenever she was confronted about those things by my mother, my sister would always just say, "it was just a joke."

When my sister got into high school she had many boyfriends. And as she would get older, one would get more serious then the other. She became sexually involved with them and once it came time to break up, she would throw her self at her boyfriends and would beg and plead for them back. Sometimes they would only have to make it clear to her by yelling at her that they do not want her. But still she did not care about the verbal abuse, she still wanted them. (This worried me.)

Now that she is 17 years old, she has met this boy on facebook. She has never met him in person, but had many friends in common. They began talking and flirting. She never told anyone in our family or me that she secretly got into a relationship with this boy and were "together for 4 months" before EVER meeting each other. During these four months my sisters attitude has changed drastically and it really scared me and my family.

They would talk everyday on the phone for hours. Sometimes she would tell me what kinds of stuff they would talk about, and sometimes she wouldnt. She explained to me that he has a lot of friends that are girls and that really bothers her because they "throw" themselves at her boyfriend all the time. And his answer was always that he never did anything to lead on to them flirting, that they are all just crazy. At one point he even cheated on her and she still took him back. (note that she has never met him)

His family and him have now been in our town for about three months. These past three months have really taken a strain on my family and our relationship with my younger sister. She fights with us all the time and constantly crying on the phone or fighting with her boyfriend on the phone. I always felt that there was something not right about him until I find out all the controlling things that he does to my sister.

He makes her tell him what clothes she is wearing that day and asks for a picture of her outfit so he makes sure its nothing that he does not approve of. He makes her stay on the phone with him at night so he makes sure she is sleeping, he also has ruined and made her stay away from friends and even us, her own family.

Today I heard them fighting on the phone and it sounded very bad. She kept yelling at him saying to not call her names and dont put her down. And this is not the first time they fight, she and him fight about everything all the time. When its not his way, he fights with my sister.

I have tried to confront my sister many times about her boyfriend but she automatically becomes VERY defensive and very emotional. I asked her about her phone call and she laughed it off and said it was nothing. When I expressed my concern for her and her safety she was very quick to defend her boyfriend. Even though I did not even speak to him. She told me that he is the only one ever there for her.

This worries me because he controls her and puts her down all the time.

Im very worried that with her past doubtful past and now this that he will make a huge mark in her life ( and not in a good way ). I am scared that her verbally and mentally abusive,boyfriend will later become physical with her. And that scares me because it does not matter how mean and nasty his words are to her, she keeps taking him back.

Please help, I have noo idea how to get him out of her life! [Frown]

Posts: 39 | From: Nevada | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Controversy
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I'm going to try and put myself in your sisters situation and maybe work out whats on her mind. You say that your family gives her a bunch of attention and you all adore her, but she is becoming distant with you all? Does she get it in her mind that you guys dont care about her? If so, what brought this on?

I'm the baby of the family as well (17 yrs old), and i wasnt showered with material things, but i did get amazing love from my father and sister. I have had quite a few boyfriends and no matter how badly they treated me i would connect myself to them and say, "they are the only ones who are there for me and care about me, they understand me". when in fact they didnt. She may be in a critical state of mind, where she is easily manipulated because she thinks she is "in love" with this guy.

I did have a rough childhood, so when a guy gave me attention i clinged to him and did whatever he said (even if he abused me), because i supposedly "loved" him.

I was actually in a similar situation to your sister, i found a guy on a chat site and talked to him for months, then got in a relationship with him (when he lived states away). I started becoming distant from my family, constantly fighting, never leaving the computer screen and talked to him for hours on webcam and phone. Let me add that they had no idea i was in a relationship with a strange guy for 8 months over the internet. Whenever they tried to talk to me about it i would cry and avoid conversation. This guy would tell me what to do, demand pictures of me everyday, and practically say he is better than my family and that im better off without them. He cheated on me a bunch of times with girls in person, and i'd always give him a second chance. Usually what he would do is apologize and say he is "crying" and beg for me to take him back and i would. He'd play guilt trips on me, to keep me in his grasp. Saying how worthless i am and how he'd kill himself if i left him.

I only realized how bad the relationship was after my sister caught me on video, fighting with them about him, and how i wouldnt leave the computer, i realized i practically lost my mind.

So! i told him i was breaking up with him, and he said he was going to kill himself and come to my house and "watch me". I thought he was going to kill me. So i freaked out, and yet again, stayed in the relationship without telling my family. After a month went by of me becoming more distant and depressed. My sister took my phone from me, and read the text messeges. She then had my brother call this guy, and they cut me off from the computer and any means of contact from him. My brother "scared" him off. (I havent talked to him since. Its been 2 years).

After this ordeal i was ashamed of myself, i realized how idiotic i had been, and how i wasnt really in love with him! He was just controling me.

Im not saying that if you don't intervene in this situation it wont change. Talking to her about it may help. But since you said it hasn't your parents may have to take action and end this situation before it gets any worse. When we are being manipulated by something and think that we love them, we will most likely take their side and stay with them until you prove us wrong.

What she also may need is a boyfriend who lives near her, a guy that you know. He needs to be a good person, who respects her, and then she will see the light and the reality of what a good relationship is. Thats what happened to me. After all that happened i now have this lovely boyfriend. He respects, cares, and loves me, and once i found him my life has turned around a bit, he helps me through all my issues.

Let me add, that i did NOT find this new boyfriend on my own. My best (guy) friend set me up with him.

She may be proned to "hooking" up with disrespectful guys. I surely was until my friend stopped me and set up a date for me with this wonderful boy [Smile]

With all this said, i suggest helping your sister by getting your whole family involved and stopping this horrible relationship before it progesses. Take it slow and prove to her that this is not the only guy for her, and that she deserves love and care. I'd be lost if it wasn't for my sister, brother and best friend. (my best friend even got on the phone with the guy and fought with him).

Cut the ties between him and her. (im sorry for the long post, im just trying to help..) I hope everything works out, being in that kind of relationship really takes a toll on your well being.

Posts: 132 | From: United States | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Can I ask if your parents know about all of this, and if so, what actions they have taken to try and intervene?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
chapsticklovin
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My parents do know about her boyfriend. She has fought with them before about him. Like this one time my mom wasn't able to drive her over to see him and she threw this HUGE fit and started breaking dishes and demanding that she takes her. This is so out of line and we were all surprised that she would do all this. Later I found out (by her messages onfacebook) that he was very mad at her for now seeing him and began fighting with her, sayin how "sick and tired" he is that her parents do this to their relationship and that he is over the whole thing. So my sister was tryingto please him and make him happy. When she threw dishes and began to attack my parents, they told her that she was not allowed to go at all no matter what. She left the house and didn't answer any of our calls.. We called her boyfriend and wouldn't answer but began textin my parents really rude and mean things about how he is taking care of her and my parents have done enough damage. When my parents asked for his familys phone number he stopped writing and turned off his phone. We had no idea where he lived so we weren't able to get her. She came home on her own the nextday.

My mom has tried to talk to her about her boyfriend and asked for his address but she always shuts my mom down. And that breaks my heart because she disrespects my whole family over a guy who is so mean to her.

I've told my dad and mom many times to take her phone from her and her computer and do not allow her to see him or go out at all. Only to school and back. But my parents are scared she is going to cause a huge fight, run away or even harm herself. They are so upset and have no idea what to do.

I also read on her facebook that he demands sex from her. And even told her once that of he doesn't get it from her he will get it from someone else. When my sister yelled at him for saying that he began to cry and beg for her back. And wrote a long message about how much he loves her an how sorry he was for saying that. So she took him back.

This situation frustrates me so much because it's doesn't matter how much we do or how bad he is to her she always take his side over anyone else.

Posts: 39 | From: Nevada | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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It sounds to me like the best move here would be for your parents to seek out a counselor for your sister. An outside party is more likely to be able to help at this point, I think, than family members. A counselor could also help with some family mediation, too.

Have they looked into that yet?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
chapsticklovin
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No they haven't looked into that yet. Rght now in our family, money is a little tight and I don't think they can afford for her to see one right now. Should my parents involve police? Do you think that will scare her straight? And get her away from him?

Do you know any places she can talk to someone for free? Like something for troubled youth?

What if she refuses to go?

Posts: 39 | From: Nevada | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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If she is in an abusive relationship, she may well be able to get counseling at very low-cost or no cost.

If you believe this person she is seeing has committed any crimes, then by all means, it'd be wise to involve the police. But if he hasn't -- and it sounds like as of yet, he hasn't -- there isn't going to be anything they can do.

I'd not worry now about if she refuses to go to counseling. I'd just start by talking with your parents about finding her an option, and a resource THEY can also use.

Here's a listing of abusive relationship resources in your state: http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/nvdv.shtml

That list is a little dizzying, so if they're not sure where to start, they could start by talking to child protective services first, or by contacting this link: http://www.safehousenv.org/

Just for the record, I'd try not to think of this as "scaring her straight." Someone being abused is, even if they're not acting that way, already scared and fearful. Scaring them more isn't likely to be helpful and also isn't really in alignment with treating them in healthy ways, you know?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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