this is really difficult to write because i've only told one other person and it's dealing with that person as well.
to start off i don't remember being raped. it was almost two years ago next month and i went to a club in ny had a drink and should have watched it better needless to say. i don't remember any of "it" but when i woke up in some hotel room in chelesa half dress and sore that stings in my mind more that anything and gets to me. i just ran out of there and got back to my dorm and never told anyone. i did go to the drs and get checked out and everything was good, thank god. i was also a virgin.
i never had a bf in high school. i was too shy and quiet and although i did get asked out it was alwaysby guys i never wanted to go out with or had zero interest in. i did date after that, after a while, but when i got intimate with a guy when the point where the next step was to actually have sex is when i would have to stop.
fast foward to about year after my rape had occurred was when i ended up dating a guy way more seriously than anyone before. at this point i felt like i was ready to have sex but i needed a guy i felt good with too in fact make the jump.
although we never were official i do consider this guy as my first bf. we almost had sex a few times and i wanted to but it was hard, i did finally say yes but i guess he could sense i was nervous or something was up and said no we should stop. i almost told him right their but he was so sweet and the moment while he was holding me was so nice i didn;t want to ruin the moment. anyway other stuff happened and we ended up not working out.
i was heartbroken i could say that. i also went to a college where its mostly girls and my major is hard so it is hard to meet guys. durning the summer i went back to work at my summer job when there was a guy who ended up working with me like the last month before i headed back to school. he was cute but not my kind of cute and he was kind of awkward where it came across as creepy. it turns out that he liked me and thats why he was awkward but at that time it was a turn off.
after i went back to school i would casually talk to him ever once in a while and then one my friends ended up dating one of his so i would see him. let's just say i had a bad new years and he asked me a day or two later to come over and hang to make me feel better. the combination of me not being a 100%sober when i headed over and me being upset we ended up hooking up but stopped before we got any where near sex. a few nights later we ended up doing it again....
this time we started to get a lil bit more into it and it felt so great. he did try to have sex with me but i stopped him. i felt bad for getting him all worked up for nothing and for stopping him. he was sweet and held me and then he saw my face and asked me what was wrong. i don't know why considering i never told anyone before this but i told him. maybe because he was overly nice and knew that he liked me and was sweet. i didn't get out the whole thing before i started crying but i did get across what happened. he was nice held me and asked a lil bit but didn't want me to get more upset so he stopped. he also said if i wanted to talk to someone he would come with me and he swore he wouldn't tell anyone because i asked him not too and it wasn't anyones business but my own.
any way it was nice and i slept over that night and it was nice being held again. the next morning we did fool around but he didn't push anything on me and was very cautious. we've just been kind of doing this friends who have fun thing which honestly i like because i'm so sick of not having fun. i have all this pented up sexual need and it gets to me that i can't fully go and have sex.
we fooled around again like a week ago and then twice this week we were supposed to see each other but he got sick and then got called into work the second time. today was finally a day we could get together. i was supposed to say over again and needless to say we got right to having "fun" and it was and it was soo good. this time i wanted to have sex for real and i felt like i was okay to go we ended up stopping for a lil bit and i was thinking about it but i stopped cuz i wasn't 100% sure. we laid there for like 5 minutes and then he heard the phone ring upstairs so he went to see. while he was up there i was thinking i wanted to feel it, i wanted to feel fulfilled and i wanted to feel what everyone else has felt as well and i wanted to have sex.
he came back downstairs and looked pissed. he got called into work again and had to leave right then. i was pretty upset too and he was as well, espeically when i told him i was thinking about actually going through with it.
so we got dressed he told me he was going to make it up to me by taking me out to a nice big dinner and stuff, then we left he bought us some food real quick and then dropped me off.
now because i'm home thinking about it is getting me nervous. not about the actually act of sex but then i started to think about what if people knew at our work, our friends that i lost my "virginity" to him. no one knew about my rape besides him so they would think i just had sex with him. i mean maybe if i asked him at least not to tell people i slept with him first? i think just our friends and coworkers knowing that i had sex with him first and them teasing me would really get me upset. i know their just teasing me but they do make jokes about how i'm a 20 year old virgin sometimes but it is just joking. At the same time they always will say they really respect me for 'waiting'. The joking does get to me and it's never bad and i'm sure if they knew they wouldn't joke or tease but i don't want everyone to know (espeically at work cuz i also work with my dad and i realllllllly don't want my parents to know or explain or talk to them) maybe if like i said, just tell him not to tell anyone he was my first. if i told everyone i had a sex with a friend at school and it was cool they wouldn't say anything but knowing that it was him and that we would def tease a bit and i don't know if i could deal with that.
i don't know what i'm even asking for advice? tips? whatever? but i have to say it was nice writing this so i have to say this does help. some feed back on anything would be amazing
I am sorry to hear about your rape. No one deserves or ever does anything that makes it OK for anyone to assault them in that manner. It takes a lot of courage to write about your story and all you have been through to someone. You are always welcome here anytime you want to share any or all parts of it.
While there are many angles, I just want to address one particular sentence that I read in your writing.
" he did try to have sex with me but i stopped him. i felt bad for getting him all worked up for nothing and for stopping him. "
I am wondering why you felt "bad" to stop him? Each partner is responsible for his/her own sexual responses and in healthy sexual interactions, every person has the freewill/freedom to stop the other person from doing things to their body at any time for any reason without feeling "bad" or "nervous".
I also agree with that hearing anyone--whether it is co-workers or anyone else---talk about any part of our sexual life without agreement is something many people will find upsetting and disrespect. The fact that it is a "joke" is not a reason to continue saying such things verbally. At best, it is a cruel joke.
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