I was telling someone about my sexual assault/abuse.
Here is what happened:
AA had volunteered to become my mentor / guide for help, questions and networking while I was in PK(country) to work as a volunteer student in low-come areas. During that time, there were several incidents, which I was uncertain at that time and later see with more clarity:
I was in one of the cities there for a work-related visit. AA told me that as “part of local hospitality”, he would put me in touch with a friend who is familiar and often takes AA’s friends to the sceneic areas of Kalabagh. He send me an email a few weeks before to say that he will be in Islamabad (town) to judge English Speaking Union debate concern and will take a drive and trip to mountain areas with his friend, Captain Fazal and his family to clear his mind. I was in Lahore and he said that I should come to ISB for this trip. When I asked him where I would stay etc, he said that with force that we will figure it out, you first come here!. AA also had told me earlier to not tell anyone in his family that he was visiting Islamabad or that I met him there.
Around March 5 2010, when I arrived, AA introduced me to a 52-year old friend of his Captain Fazal (CF) to show me some scenery while AA was in Islamabad. I was origionally told that this trip would be taken the Captain and his family; then when I arrived in Islamabad, plans were changed very quickly. AA said that he wanted to stay behind to focus on his writings. During the 4-5hr drive to Kalabagh near Islamabad, the 52- year old man kissed me on my lips, asked me perverted questions (such as do you fantasize anyone to kiss your breasts), and touching me and my body without my consent. I was shocked, but also confused as I thought that I had to be polite and respectful to this man. know now that when someone abuses you in this manner, they cease to be someone you should be respectful or polite towards. CF after the drive back to Islamabad took me to a hotel room to check me in, and then continued to sexually abuse and harass me. When CF left to go to his home in ISB, I ran out of the hotel room. I called AA on the road outside the hotel to let him that I have left. AA did not ask me how the trip was, or even acted shocked, concerned or surprised that I was leaving abruptly at 9PM at night for KHI. Another discrepancy did not cross my mind then, when I met AA in ISB, he did not mentioned the Debate competition but rather said that he was in ISB for a TCS meeting.
After reading this, THIS is how the conversation went with a friend:
Friend/ Person: Did you try resisting in the hotel room? Like fight him off?maybe someone couldve helped in the hotel
I said: It is important to understand that at this time, there were various dynamics at play: i was confused, uncertain, unclear and was not even sure what was happening.
It is also important to understand that when one is placed in a situation like this, it's often very very difficult to figure out what's going on. The important thing to know is it was sexual abuse and assault: when someone is doing things to you without your consent, without asking, without your active participation. No I didn't "resist"--that's a very common reaction amongst many people when something like this is thrusted on them. The presence or not resistence does not make it any less of sexual assault or abuse.
FRD:but how would he know that it is non consensual unless told so, by body language or verbally?
ME: You are suppose to SEEK CONSENT. SILENCE IS NOT CONSENT.I did not know how to respond.
I was confused, unclear in a new place It does not make it any less sexual abuse if I did not have the courage to say NO because I was so shocked, confused, uncertain, unclear..and so much more. I had never experience this before. My response or lack there of does it make it any less of a sexual abuse or assault. The burden of consent is always on the individual who intiates. I was introduced to this person as a friend/host for the drive and 30 mins, i was on the road. There is nothing in those actions that conveyed "an agreement" to sexual conduct.
He unfortunately may have "gotten consent from AA" as unfortunate and sick as that sounds.
FRD: I wouldve just run out of the car or from the hotel room the moment we drove in
ME: I am glad that you have an action plan in case you ever find yourself in this situation. it is important to take into account the different social and mental factors that often happen to an individual who is being abused. Every individual will have a different response time and way to response..
HE: again, instead of answering me, you pretty much attack me Anyways, sorry for asking questions
Can any of you add anything to this that may help clarify the issue of abuse here? I have written everything to the best of the ability but somehow, it seems that the point is not getting across. I hope to send him the link here once there are enough responses....
Posts: 357 | From: US | Registered: Nov 2010
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I know how much victim-blaming around silence can hurt. You get responses like 'I'd have kicked them in the nuts! I expect to be treated like a princess so everyone knows where they stand. Nobody messes with me!' Ugh. Everyone has an action plan, don't they? But, as Heather says in the link, (paraphrased) sometimes people don't like to think that we're *all* vulnerable to abuse, no matter which action plans we might think of before we're ever in the situation ourselves.
I know what you mean about politness too, you feel like you'll hurt their feelings or something; you panic.
I'm sorry I can't be of much help, I hate being faced with these questions as well.
I gave this analogy but it imp to understand that many indiivduasl whould not understand it unless they have been there themselves or part of similar kind of situation.
if someone has a gun and goes on the street, one man does not move fast enough or is frozen or has a handicap, and the person with the gun fires at him. Would you say that it is the man's fault for not moving fast enough and by staying there, how would the person with gun have known that he should not fire at this person? - Show quoted text -
Posts: 357 | From: US | Registered: Nov 2010
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