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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » scared of my brother

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Author Topic: scared of my brother
badgercat12
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My brother, who is 16 months older then me and as big and strong as a horse, frightens the heck out of me. Over the summer I was cleaning out my room and taking some old furniture out in the hallway. He approached me and started screaming what a slob I was, I tried telling him I was going to be taking the furniture down stairs to the trash and asked for his help, he started calling me bad names and grabbed my arm and threw me down the steps into the pile of furniture. I broke my arm. I had to tell the people in the ER that I had tripped, but I think they could tell I was lying. Instead of being sorry for what he did, he continually threatens to do it again if I ever object to anything he says. He's very abusive towards my mother and his girlfriend, both verbally with my mother, and physically and verbally with his girlfriend, who pretty much lives at our house. He drinks and smokes weed, a lot, and by that I mean all the time. He has all of his pipes and beer bottles all over his room. Sometimes when I want to practice violin he comes downstairs and threatens to break my instrument or my arm if I try. I'm not allowed to play while he is in the house sleeping, or just in the house. He manipulates my father and mother constantly for money. Today he hit my little sister and threatened to snap her kittens neck if she didn't turn down her music. He wont move out even though he has a good job. I'm scared of him. Him breaking my arm wasn't the first time he's hurt me. He's broken my fingers before and my parents don't seem to care enough to stop him. He gets mad at me for stupid things, like if I leave the peanut-butter jar out on the kitchen counter, he'll come find me and break down my door and start screaming at me. My friends wont even come to the house because they are so scared of him. When I went away camping one weekend he had my dog put to sleep. He abuses every animal we've ever had. He even blinded one of our cats by snapping a rubber band in her eye. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid he will hurt someone, and I want him to move out. I'm in school full time so it's hard for me to find a job, but sometimes I'll be downstairs watching TV and he will come down and yell at me for not having one. I want to move away from him but I have no money. I seem to be the one he takes all of his anger out on, and i'm sick of it. I even threatened to call the cops on him when he broke my arm but my mother cried and told me not to because he might lose his job. I don't know what to do. My friend came over for Christmas and he, drunk, started screaming at him and telling him to get out. For no reason.
Is there any way I can convince him to get help?

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Heather
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I think what you need to do is get help for yourself. You, as someone this person has abused, are not likely to be able to convince him to do anything.

However, what you do have the power to do is involve social services so that you ALL can be helped.

You have very good reason to be scared of this person: he has seriously abused you and other members of your family. He probably will continue to hurt someone and repeat what he did to you.

Unfortunately, it seems that your mother is enabling him by not taking action herself, and I'm so sorry your parents have not acted in your protection. Can I help you to take those steps instead? I think it's very important you do for your safety.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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badgercat12
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Some days he is okay, but others he is unbearable. But he is my brother and I'd feel worse if he were to get arrested. When I was getting patched up in the hospital my mother made him promise to take anger management, which he said he would but never did. I think my mother feels bad because she said he never got a "proper child hood" because I was born so shortly after him. I know in my heart that if he were to seek help, it would do him good. I wish he didn't smoke and drink, the smell is awful, and it doesn't help his temperament. He already has a police record and I don't want him to be locked up, but I don't want him hurting someone else. Are there any support groups me or him could attend? Mostly I'm frightened for one of my friends, who he seems to really hate, for no reason, and has even threatened. My family has a long history of alcohol abuse, with my father and sister and my other brother all having drinking problems, and all of them seem to get violent when they drink. But because I don't drink or smoke weed, that almost seems to make him angrier at me. He calls me a snob all the time when i complain about the smell or ask him to clean up his bottles.
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badgercat12
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My father is useless for protection. He even seemed to AGREE with what my brother did that night. I've learned how to try and avoid my brother when he is mad, but my little sister often trys and fight back against him, he doesn't really touch her, but he can be very verbally abuse to her. He often says he wont stop yelling at he gets to see her cry.
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Heather
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I'm very sorry to hear that your father is supporting the abuse.

I really think though, that you need to understand that YOU are not going to be able to "fix" someone being as violently abusive as your brother. He is not even remotely likely to go with you to therapy or groups, especially if your parents aren't also on board but instead, are enabling him.

I know that the options here stink, but I think you have to understand and accept that he is clearly going to keep on hurting people, be that you, other members of your family, or other people around him. You've seen in the past that he will not seek out help, even when he has promised: that's a clear sign he doesn't want to be helped.

So, what you need to do, and I know it's really hard, is what you CAN do to help yourself, your family members and him. And that is to bring social services into this so that THEY can help protect you and do all they can to get him treatment and other kinds of help.

If it helps, recognize that the more he hurts all of you, the worse things get for him emotionally, the harder it gets for him to stop hurting people. Doing what you can to bring people in who can limit what damage he does is VITAL for your own safety, but it also does help him. Protecting him from the consequences of what he's been doing and will do is enabling him/abuse, too: it doesn't help him and it certainly doesn't help you. It just keeps you in the line of fire, likely to keep on being hurt worse and worse.

This sounds very dangerous to me, and abuse always escalates. I really think you need to recognize that your health and life could be on the line here and take the steps you can to make yourself safe.

Here are two numbers for CPS in Philly you can call: City of Philadelphia Child Protective Services, 215-683-6100 and Childline, 1-800-932-0313.

For your safety, I would make sure you're calling when your brother is not around, maybe from a friend's house. Also, I would be sure that when making posts like this online, when you close your computer, you are clearing your browser cache so he does not read them, as that will likely make him angry and could result in more assaults on you, okay?

Just FYI, if you would feel better emailing me with your information and having me call for you, I would be happy to do that, too. I'll be here working for another couple of hours.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just checking in because it's been a couple hours and I'm concerned about you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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badgercat12
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I need a place to go. We got in a fight. I was in the shower and he started yelling at me to come downstairs. I came down in a towel and he started screaming I need to grow up or get the h_ll out of the house because I don't have a job. My mom said nothing. I told him to leave me the f_ck alone because I was tierd of being treated this way. I think he's really mad. I can't be in the house when he comes back. My mom told me to leave. I don't know where to go.
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Heather
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badger: please call this youth shelter/service ASAP. They can help you find a safe place and help get you there.

This is the youth emergency service in Philly: 215-787-0633 (YES)

Can you let me know when you've done that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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badgercat12
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I can't live with them anymore. My whole family supports his behavior. They act like how he treats me doesn't matter. They all dragged me downstairs to have him scream at me for not having a job. I've been looking like crazy and living off my small savings. I don't have very much money or family far enough away but I can't stay here anymore. If I stay here I'm either going to end up getting hurt again or hurting myself.
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Heather
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Please call that service, okay?

I agree, you need less temporary solutions too, like I talked to you about before. But right now, what you need is to get somewhere safe. You can't get to longer-term solutions without taking care of yourself right now and asking for real, in-person help.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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badgercat12
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I'm going on a 10 day trip I saved up for all year on Sunday. So I wont be home anyway. When I get back I'll have to drop out of school like they said or move out. I don't know what I did wrong. Should I call when I get back? I'm just going to stay in my room until Sunday when my ride comes to take me to the airport.
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Heather
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badger: unless I am misunderstanding, you are posting here now because you feel in increasing danger now and need a place to go TODAY.

Have I gotten that right? If so, us talking to you while you stay in an unsafe place is not going to help you at all, it may only keep you ion harm's way.

If I have what you are asking for help with right, will you please call that number so you CAN have a place to go now?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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badgercat12
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Yes okay. I'm just really upset right now I don't want to do anything but sink into the ceiling. I can't focus. I'll call. I know I have to go but i'm still pretty numb.
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Heather
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I totally understand. But they will get you to a safe space where you can process more, okay? Trying to do so when you're not safe, and staying somewhere where you have every reason and experience to trust that when you feel in danger you are is not sound. It's keeping yourself in danger.

Can you make that call right now? Or, you can email me your address and name and I could call for you. If you want to do that you can email me directly at heather@scarleteen.com

[ 01-07-2011, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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badgercat12
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they dont take 19 year olds. I'm going to go find a friend to stay with. I might forget the trip and stay up in the mountains.
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Heather
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I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were not a minor (I assumed you were, and that was why you were still living in such a dangerous home).

I think thinking about vacations right this second isn't sensible. I get that it probably sounds lovely, but it's just not the sound route when you're in crisis.

Do you have a friend whose place you can get to right now? If not, you can call this number, which provides shelter from violence for women of all ages: 1.866.723.3014

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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badgercat12
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I'm going to leave tonight there is too much going on downstairs. I called another place. I've locked myself in my room. What can I do, really? I don't have a job, I can't leave the city because my college is here, I don't have any family that would take me in. You think they wouldn't find me if I was in reach? I'm trapped. I wont go anywhere without my guitar and my violin.
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badgercat12
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No but I wish I had runaway when I was a kid. Thats what my oldest sister did. She has her own house now but her BF wouldn't let me stay. I don't want to go on this vacation too much anymore. I have a friend in Canada who loves me dearly, and the plane makes a pitstop there. I think I might get off in Canada and make my way from there.
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Heather
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I think that again, we need to find you somewhere you can get to NOW. I also think that given your situation, if you have savings, now probably is not the time to be spending it on a vacation. You may need that for yourself over the next few days, weeks or months.

Did you call that other number I just gave you for a shelter? You do not have to leave the city to go there.

I disagree that you're trapped. I think we can find you somewhere to go tonight to start with, and then get you connected to other services for after that. But I need you to try and stick with me in helping you do that without getting distracted or thinking steps ahead. I know it's hard, but I need you to try, okay?

So, you called that other shelter system? If so, what did they say?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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badgercat12
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Yeah they're saving a room for me. I'll be leaving shortly. I also found a friend that says I can stay in her spare room free of charge. I'm sorry I got so worked up. I'd rather stay at a friends house than at a shelter. At least I wont be alone.
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Heather
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You absolutely do not owe me any apologies. At all. I'm very glad you made that call -- good for you -- and very glad to hear you're en rote to a room there.

I'd personally suggest you consider the shelter before a friend for your safety, and also so that you can get connected to a service to help you long-term.

However, I think you simply getting out right now is the most important thing for you to do, whatever you choose. Just please make sure you leave in a way where you are most likely to be safe, either by having that friend come with someone to get you, having the shelter make some calls to assure your safety, or calling the police to escort you when you leave.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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badgercat12
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I'm mad at my family for letting this go on, and I know they've treated me badly, but I do not want the police involved. I'll just leave. It's what they want. I don't want a scene. I just want to pack up the things that matter and walk out the back door, hop on the bus, and let that be it. The only reason I wanted to go to a friend's house is I don't feel like being by myself tonight. They don't know who she is/where she lives. I'll find a way to make the rest of my things safe.
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Heather
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You won't be alone at a DV shelter. But again, I think the most important thing is getting somewhere safe, anywhere safe, and finding somewhere you will actually go to, and then making sure you are doing it in as safe a way as possible.

If you need help with that, you can call that shelter back and they can help you with that even if you do not go there.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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CoatRack
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Hon, I have been there, in a very similar situation, except I was trying to get away from an abusive stepfather, instead of an abusive brother. I really really really recommend the police. They will not show up with lights going and sirens blaring. They will make sure that you are safe, and that you get where you need to go.

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

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badgercat12
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Yeah but they are sure to ask questions and questions lead to unpleasant answers. I just don't want my stuff torn apart when i'm gone.
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badgercat12
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CoatRack, where did you go?
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CoatRack
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Please make the decision that you feel will keep you safest. You know the situation better than anybody else possibly could. I will keep you in my thoughts that you may be whole and well and safe tonight as you move through all that you are dealing with. My prayers are with you.

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

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