Donate Now
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » VERBAL ABUSE for 2.5 y...shattered dreams

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: VERBAL ABUSE for 2.5 y...shattered dreams
Kamila
Neophyte
Member # 51466

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Kamila     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi all,

my ex-boyfriend and I have been seperated for 5 months now. We have been together for 2.5 years and we have known each other a year before getting into a relationship. It's been 1.5 month since we ever had contact with each other. We are in our late twenties.

My ex-boyfriend is a dominant and selfish person. He couldn't agree more because he said it himself. He's also impulsive and it doesn't bother him to speak his mind.

In the beginning, he was the overcaring, loving, blind devoted fresh boyfriend. I remember how he tried to be with me by asking me to trust him completely. He also said he did't want to mess up this relationship with me. Last relationships didn't work out for him so i was his 'last chance'. He made it sound dramatic and i succumbed to his charmes. He's a very attractive man [Smile]

The first months, he almost contacted me every day. Wishing me good day, telling me he misses me, and other stuff. He also wrote mails about how i was his dreamgirl and how he fell in love the first time he saw me and how i had that special thing that made him wanting me. We had the same idea of moving in together after 2 years and raising kids. We were so over each other that we nearly moved in together after 6-months relationship. My mother had a serious talk with me and pleaded me to wait a bit. I still live with my parents for financial reasons. My head kicked in and i thought she might be right. Why rush into things? And i don't know him that well now.

Did i mention we lived 1.5 hour by car apart? Luckily i had free fuel, so we didn't mind the car costs. So i went over to his place every weekend (he's still living with his mother).

After a year the problems came up. He swore sometimes. I didn't mind at first, but 2 times a day is annoying and vulgar. Nobody's perfect i thought. Then came the car issue: everytime i came over in the weekends, i prefered him taking his car to go to places. I already did the 1.5h drive to his place, so it's logical he should do his smaller part. He was irritated because i have free fuel and didn't want to drive. Well, i told him, 'i'm exhausted by the 1.5h drive already and i don't like you or anyone driving my car (company car) and i don't know about insurance and stuff.' I hate it when we have issues over that and he uses the 'free fuel card'. It's disrespectful towards me and also his mother told him that. It's that putting pressure over me that i hate because he then says i'm overreacting and stuff. So i feel guilty and yeah. [Frown]

Other verbal issues: i once bought him a pair of trousers and phoned him about it. He said (laughingly of course), 'if it doesn't fit, i'm gonna kick your ***.' Errm... brutal response and i was not very good about that. Before going on a trip i advised him to leave early to avoid traffic jams, he brutaly responded: 'i'm fed up of your whining!' Owkay, after that outburst, i almost canceled our trip.

I'm not trying to point out i'm and angel and he's satan, but those little things makes having a relationship difficult. He can be a sweetheart when he gives me tea in the morning or kisses my forehead. But and *** when he's being one. It's just that devil in him. He also gets really irritated in the car when the traffic is dense. And that just scares me. One day, he was so agitated that i was playing a bit with him. He got hold of my foot and i felt he purposely wanted to hurt it

Cherry on the cake: after a year, we were going to the movies and we had an argument about 'having kids'. He said he didn't want to have kids in the future, ever. And also that he would rather live alone and being independent. He wants to get a Uni degree and have money and fame. I was shocked at first and i said nothing about it. Then he kept saying it and i was lashed out on him. I said to him, 'why are you now bringing this up? I'm found of kids and want some later.' He calmed down, but the issues resurfaced later. I tried to keep the relationship going, but to no avail. After 2 y, i was operated for a minor thing and he waited in the visitors room with my mother. A few days later he told me how my mother told him how he isn't going to succeed with his new studies. I was like: '...' I confronted my mother with this and she almost wept, because she felt hurt he said something like that. So i confronted him back with it, but i got no response out of him. Setting my family against me? Weird feeling about this... Some days after we had dinner and he confessed to me that he didn't want to lose me. He wanted to stay in his city and live close to his mother and do the new studies. [Frown] How is he going to manage all that one sane person would think at that time?

A couple of weeks before our breakup i lashed out because the kids issue came up again.
He cried because he said he's scared of having children. So I backed away, but he didn't want us to breakup. So i challenged him with 'are we okay?'. He said yes. So i thought everything was alright and would like children in the future. I think he just said 'yes' to not to lose me. [Confused]

So before our breakup i was trying to find us a place to live together, because driving up to his place was every weekend tired me. He happily agreed, but the day before visiting a house, he lashed out on me on the phone. He yelled that if i ever have kids, i will be the only one to raise them [Embarrassed] . And he doesn't want to live with me if we're going to have a family. That was the start of our breakup. [Frown] [Frown]

I told this issue to my parents, and they were confused. They had doubts about him being serious with me. I didn't contact him after our quarrel on the phone. And after 4 days he asked if i was alright and stuff. I said 'no we aren't'. I told him that you're unstable and provocative. And after 2 y i need stability and the possibility of a future with you. Otherwise i'm wasting my time and you're not ever gonna give me what i want. Two years is a long time and i'm growing very attached to the relationship. He said that 'what we have isn't casual, but i can't have kids and i want to study.' I also told him that i really liked him and that's why i'm doing that 1.5 h drive to his place. He responded with: 'you didn't have to do that...' and 'i have CHANGED' That literally made me cry at the phone.

So i broke it off. I didn't have any compromise on his part. He wanted to live in his city, alone, without kids and continue his studies.

I feel betrayed and lost. I thought i knew my man and future husband. Hadn't i brought up the moving in together and kids issue, i would still be in an unstable relationship. And his frequent verbal abuse would still be here. He also had issues about the sector i work in (because i earn much more than him and have a uni degree and he feels unworthy of me, but i don't love him for his wallet :s) and the ideas i have. It has put my selfesteem very low and i doubt if i can trust a man ever again.

Like i said previously, i spoke to him 1.5 month ago, before i went on a long vacation. He was very dominant about wanting to keep contact with me, because he still finds me a 'nice' person. (Yeah right that's all??) I'm not believing what he's saying. He practically lied to me about the kids issue during a year and about my mother. He told me countless of times how sorry he was things ended between us. And i'm so anxious he's gonna contact me through mail or iam or text message. I don't even know he knows i'm doing no contact here. I'm getting better, but isn't it weird that less dominant persons like sometimes to be dominated? I'm a very calm and rational person, but my weak spot are dominant characters. I'm trying to grow a spine. I did when i broke it off with him. That took a lot of courage and bitchy thinking. But it's not me.

Do you have any advice for people that are less likened to show their emotions through verbal abuse? Or is it just something we 'are'? I more and more get the impression that opposites attract and that the more aggressive i was, the more likely i would have broken off with him...

Thanks for reading.

Posts: 5 | From: France | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Kamila: I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this:

quote:
Do you have any advice for people that are less likened to show their emotions through verbal abuse? Or is it just something we 'are'?
I mean, if you're asking who people are who do NOT verbally abuse other people, the answer is generally "emotionally healthy people." But I'm not sure what you mean, really, or what kind of advice you're looking for. Can you try rephrasing your question?

This sounds like a heck of a rollercoaster, and like something it's a good thing you were able to separate yourself from.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67200 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kamila
Neophyte
Member # 51466

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Kamila     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Kamila: I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this:

quote:
Do you have any advice for people that are less likened to show their emotions through verbal abuse? Or is it just something we 'are'?
I mean, if you're asking who people are who do NOT verbally abuse other people, the answer is generally "emotionally healthy people." But I'm not sure what you mean, really, or what kind of advice you're looking for. Can you try rephrasing your question?

This sounds like a heck of a rollercoaster, and like something it's a good thing you were able to separate yourself from.

Yes, it was a heck of a rollercoaster. Now that you mention it i went through all sorts of emotions going from really good ones to really bad ones. The bad ones started after a year and since then i couldn't stand up for myself anymore. Only with help from my parents was i able to get out of this abyss. I remember not sleeping at all that night and the days that followed were filled with tears and no apetite. I was literally devouring a cornet of french fries at a local festivity with tears pouring down my face. My mum saw me like that and said: "You are free now! You must celebrate this!" Was i like a bird captive in a cage? Really?

Now what i meant earlier about "Do you have any advice for people that are less likened to show their emotions through verbal abuse? Or is it just something we 'are' ". See, before i got into my relationship with him, i went to see a therapist, because i got into an argument with my father which quite got me upset. She told me that due to the events in my childhood and lower selfesteem as a result, i could see some counseling about dealing with lower selfesteem and gaining some assertiveness.
I didn't go to the counseling, because i was started working and i didn't have time for that. Besides that, my near co-worker committed suicide and yeah, i tried to block all those emotions. But the firm for which i was working gave me some sessions about dealing with loss and that helped me a lot. I was able to accept the fact i lost that co-worker. He was the kindest person ever, but you could see that he was crushed by his emotions and all. He had some relationship problems earlier and i wanted to talk to him about that, but i didn't because i didn't know him that good to confront him with that. And i didn't have the chance because he killed himself before i could even help him. Anyway, back to the present and near past. My co-worker and i were very much alike, the only difference is that the emotions he had got the better hand of him with horrible consequences. I too am weak about my emotions and i let myself get easily carried away, but my mind is stronger and in extreme situations my character change. The phrase "calm characters are the most aggressive" applies totally to me. Unfortunately, i only show my teeth a little bit too late. In normal life, I tend to disappear a bit and am too patient with people. I'm trying to be tougher and harder and more 'alive'. But that's who i am, i am layback and positive and all 'worldpeace'. I'm a softy, sometimes insecure and of course a bit naive. And i'm wondering if that's what made him go away, or he got fed up of me? Or i wasn't enough of a challenge to him? That's why he got angry and sometimes verbally abusive? Did i cause all of this? If i was more of a bitch would he have stayed? I remember him talking about his exes and he said it didn't work out because their characters clashed. Because those girls were showing them teeth? And i was too soft and gentle? But that's who i am! I am like that, and i'm almost 30 and i don't think i'm ever gonna change. It's not that i can't be dominant, it's that i'm sometimes like people to take control over me. Like my father raised me and i show a lot of respect to people (sometimes too much my coach once said to me). And my exboyfriend was very dominant, so i didn't stand a chance. And it seems that by letting him go i also lost a battle in a way... Does all this make any sense?

Posts: 5 | From: France | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, it certainly sounds like that therapist made some good calls, because difficulty with assertiveness and low self-esteem do sound like issues for you.

And by all means, while that never makes anyone maltreating you your fault, having those issues often does make people much more vulnerable to abuse and to controlling people.

I disagree that having low self-esteem and not having assertiveness skills is just "how someone is." Assertiveness skills are just that: skills. (And being assertive isn't about being a bitch. If you think of it that way, that's likely part of what's keeping you from being more assertive.) We can learn them, and we can unlearn things which may have taught us not to be assertive. As well, having a low value in yourself is something we can also change.

Might you reconsider that counseling? Because it could probably help you out a lot.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67200 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kamila
Neophyte
Member # 51466

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Kamila     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yes, maybe i could considering counseling. I'll try to contact my previous psychologist for that.

One last question, if my ex wants to contact me, what do i do? It's been 5 months and the last time we spoke he said he didn't want me to cut contact because he still thinks i'm nice and all. So i blocked him from my instant messages, but i see him almost every evening logged in and i'm wondering if he's waiting for me to contact me or what? Isn't that like being passive aggressive?

Posts: 5 | From: France | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'd not suggest having contact with someone who was abusive at all, personally.

You seeing him logged in, of course, doesn't automatically mean he's there because he wants to talk to you. I think it's safe to say most people don't use those tools to only talk with one person.

How about YOU change your list so that you're not seeing him on it anymore, removing him from your own buddy list?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67200 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kamila
Neophyte
Member # 51466

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Kamila     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I tried removing him from my buddy list, but i couldn't do it. I somewhere wish that he will contact me back and apologize for everything that he put me through. That isn't going to happen eh? [Frown] The man i knew in the beginning is gone i guess...
Posts: 5 | From: France | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Stephanie_1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Kamila: It sounds like it earnestly hurts you to see him on there, but I can understand the struggle with taking his name off the list as well. Even so, I do think Heather has a good point in saying it may be a good idea to take him off your list. Think of this: you have him blocked, so he can't send messages to you right now anyhow, nor can he see when you're online. Is it really helping you to see when he's on, if it causes an internal debate of if you're right or if he wants to contact you? Sometimes the hardest steps are ones that help give us the most comfort later.

--------------------
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3418 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kamila
Neophyte
Member # 51466

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Kamila     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yes, i think also that deleting him from my buddy's list is a good idea. But how about text messages? On the 31 December 2010, he sent me a text message: happy new year and may all of your wishes come true (with little X's at the end). I had a sick smile on my face. My sister was mad at him, because he tried to sneak in gently into my life again. Being all innocent. So on her advice, i didn't send him anything. I know he wants us to be friends after having dated for 2.5 years, but it's too much, everytime i hear from him my heart skips a beat and i'm all hopeful. It's like reopening an old wound that wants to heal. I wish to forget him, and no contact will do that over time i hope. Silence speaks more than words. I hope he remains silent and respect my wishes.
Posts: 5 | From: France | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Me too.

So, with texts, you can see if your phone service allows you to block him.

If not, you can change your phone number.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67200 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3