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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Recovering Memories (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Recovering Memories
breath
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Dear All,

I did a service work trip aboard during which I had some of my first sexual experiences.

The most prominent one was with a guy whose house I stayed in first initially as a guest. I knew that he was a 'player type', much older than me, and an alcoholic etc. But I enjoyed just sitting on the couch making out. He never asked me how my day was or anything. He never asked anything about me. I didn't feel good.

The only problem came when I didn't want to sleep in his bed after doing it (for then novely) and it was hard for me to say no. He woudn't take no first and I would eventually give in, even though I didn't feel great about it. He respected my boundaries , but a few times or often would take out his erect penis and ask me to atleast hold it for a 1-4 minutues. I didn't mind that but thought that we were just cuddling non-sexual. I guess I was naive. Once he was rubbing on me too fast unexpectadly, I saw NO and his name but he went on a few seconds/mintues. This didn't happen again.

During this time, he would sometimes say hurtful things like your vagina is so small and your breasts are so small, it wouldn't even fit in etc. One night, he said that "it" wants to go inside of you and said that if I didn't love him I could leave next morning at 3AM. I was crying, couldn't believe that he would say etc. However after being so torned and talking to a friend online, I packed my bags and left.

After sometime I came back again due to my own reasons and unable to think properly for another 2 weeks. During this time, one night, he unexpectly started rubbing on me, and open my legs. I had clothes sleeping pajamas on. I was a l ittle taken back, but decided to enjoy and asked him to show me some love. He just said this isn't love and then stopped after a few mins and said 'thanks'. This rubbing was mild and not as rigious as the previous one.

In the morning I told him that 'can we not rub again'. However, two more times following that, he intiated or turned me on somehow, and then I got on top of him and rubbed. I enjoyed it for the few minutes. The second time, he put his hands under my pants and I took it out immediately. He said that 'I will only rub, i promise wouldn't put it inside" and I said a firm/angry no as we laid in bed (clothes on). He just said OK and went to sleep.

While there are some emotional 'red flags' too (aside from the sexual stuff) would you say that this was sexual abuse in some way (esp. earlier on)? A function of me being young and naive and him not being careful in the beginning?

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breath
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Certainly, my boundaries were violated but it was my first time and i was really unclear / unsure / unknowledge about how all of this is suppose to be. But I shouldn't have been so passive , even if i was staying at his place. Sometimes in retrospect, i realize it and condemn myself/ repeat the event over and over in my head but i need support/reassurance that I am in fact OK. and can now use this experience to become more comfortable with my sexYOUality
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breath
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Sometimes I wonder if he molested me while I was sleeping? But I never work up to an unpleasant incident (ie. him touching inappropriately)
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Heather
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I do think you've expressed sexual abuse here. I'm so sorry that you had these experiences.

That said, what next steps do you feel like you want to take, and how can we best help you with those?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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Heather, I am a bit "uncertain" as to what is 'sexual abuse' in this case:

1)Of course, him rubbing on me those two times (no matter how unhurtful physically and short-duration it was) is abuse?

2) Similarly, making me go to sleep with him in the same (even though nothing happenedper say) is also another kind of abuse because I am not being respected?

3) Stimulating me in some way so that I get excited and rub on him a few minutues is that also abuse?

4) Just ignoring me, my thoughts, feelings etc as in part of a normal conversation is also abuse? I knew that he had an alcohol problem and was generally not very good at these things with everyone around him.

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breath
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I got with a therapist from a medical Center. She's still in training but a good person nevertheless. I hope to explore these issues with her.

In many ways I feel relieved, lighter and happier after hearing Heather's response. Finally I have word that can explain my feelings of uneasiness, something is amiss. Sexual abuse and assult can happen even when you don't have intercourse and even when you think or you say that " you like each other" and have a bodily response to it.


I have also reached out with some good old supportive friends and a 1-2 mutal contacts for support. I have schoool so I don't want to think about this 24/7..Will have time to explore this in therapy...I realize the worst is over, I have a word for myfeelings now that I had not been accepting / knowledging to myself before. Please keep me in ur thoughts and work towards moving on and focusing on school and future [Smile]

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Heather
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amber: I'm so glad you've gotten connected with some in-person support.

I didn't mean to leave your questions hanging the other day: do you want me to answer them still?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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Please answer the questions as I would like to hear from you what exactly is the 'sexual abuse/assualt' there.


I read online the analogy of being in a bus that you provided in another Q/A. Just because a person choses to ride a bus does not mean that he has given license to be subjected to assault.


I know that I was never asked for him to rub on me, it did happen to suddenty (almost) with telling me what he was going to do. When I told him that I didn't want to sleep with him, it was always not acknowledged either by words, or sometimes with physical pressure (following me, "light" coersion into the room, etc.

I can see the emotional abuse--saying all those hurtful things are not OK , no matter what your position, lifestyle, sad life story is.


In many ways, I am feeling 'lighter and almost relieved' about hearing that an expert classifies this as 'sexual abuse". It has helped me feel a lot better.

I have a therapist. I have a positive mindset that says that the worst part is OVER! Do you have any tips to keep going forward and be happy? Contrary to what I wrote above, i have tried but don't have any close friends/family nearby to support me.

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Heather
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Sure thing.

This is all I needed to read to make that assessment:

quote:
He wouldn't take no first and I would eventually give in
You said no. He refused to accept it. That's rape or sexual abuse by every legal and advocacy position there is.

You're also talking about him doing things to you sexually without even asking your permission.

I also think that so often, when someone comes here and asks if something is sexual abuse or rape, they already know that it is. So, while I think an assessment like mine has value, I think what you know and knew in your guts is what is MOST valuable.

Healing from abuse or assault takes time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time, and in a lot of ways. it's a lifelong process. That doesn't mean we can't be happy in the meantime, we can, but that process is bound to involve lots of hard, challenging feelings, too. However, just being able to break silence and name what happened is often one of the biggest steps there is, and you've made it. [Smile]

Having no support is certainly a problem. So, want to talk about some of the avenues you've sought out to get support already, and ways that you've tried to make friends? maybe we can help you hone some of those skills a bit better.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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So you mean rape is not about peneration? But this kind of stuff can also fall into rape? It's definately sexual abuse in some way that i didn' t or could say no to him and he wouldn't respect that. It was not done in a completely "malicious" way, but malicious or not has nothing to do with it.

I have written him a letter (several in the past months of my unclear feelins) and finally this one when I clearly spelled it out, now that I have a word for it. I think have a word for it and saying it is empowering for me.

I am glad that while these incidents are not good etc, I am glad that I was not raped by the legal defination and that at times, when i said no to sexual stuff he took it. It wasn't right for him to make me sleep in his bed in that manner, but oh well, and also the rubbing stuff was not OK. I also think that maybe it was a matter of time, that in case I was there longer, I could have been raped. I wouldn'd know this.

I read your analogy about the "bus" on a Q/A that made it all the clear from me.

For now, I realize that it is not my fault at all, and that I have a name for my feelings.I am also thankful that it could have been worst (it's a comfort though but no longer justifies it). I am moving on with school as finals are approaching and I can't afford to do bad [Smile] .


I have a therapist that i have recently started seeing, I am trying to write a lot, as any feelings or thoughts come. I told a few people via email. I was sad etc even during my time with him but was so hard for me to connect with understanding people.

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breath
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Sorry for re-write:

My plan to get life back together and do well:
1. Exercise in gym
2. Make new friends
3. Talk to old friends from high school etc as needed
4. Can't really talk to family b.c they will have many questions and wonder / blame me for being so "whatever" and will be upset.
5. Write in journal as thoughts come.
6. Remind myself that I am fine. That whatever happened was not my fault and not because of me and my actions.
7. Boost self esteem by being kind to self and doing my best in school

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Heather
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No, rape is not just about penetration, because sex isn't just about penetration.

Malice also isn't something one takes into account. Some people rape out of malice, others do out of other motivations. The point is that someone is doing something sexual to, on or inside someone else who does not want to participate; who has not consented to participate.

That sounds like a great plan you have for yourself! I really like that you put being kind to yourself on it and are making that an important priority.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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Heather,

Why is that I thought I had heard about it and etc for a while, when these situation were happening =, I was not able to clarify in my mind what was going on and could not link up the words together? Perhaps I was afraid and need a supportive understanding friend Was I blinded by what others were telling?

Again..we have to live in the present and not the past.

I will keep you posted [Smile] on my progress so far. Again, having a word for it is extremely empowering for me. Also realizing that it was not fault nor the things I did is also helpful. Feeling lighter and happier, day by day! [Smile]

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Heather
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That's a pretty big question, but what it usually boils down to is a) that when we feel fear, it can really mess with how we react to things and b) the way a given person was socially conditioned and educated about sex. If and when people have gotten strong messages to be passive, that saying no isn't something they can or should do, etc. they can tend to basically ignore their own intuition.

Obviously, if and when someone refuses to accept your no, it also gets all the more tricky.

But for sure, we also live in a world that really enables rape and sexual abuse, especially and particularly of women. So, many others we might talk to about these things may enable ideas or beliefs that support rape and abuse or deny it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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It *is* comforting for me to think that that what happened to me was not 'rape' but sexual assault/abuse. Rape as in the technical defination of 'forcable penetration' , not as in the social defination of 'rape'.

That being said, I really benefit a lot from the analogy you gave of the bus:

"You're responsible for taking the bus, sure, but I think we can agree that very few people, if any, would say that they consider sexual assault to be something that is a natural consequence of taking the bus or something we agree to when we get on a bus. Sexual assault is a crime, and including on the bus, so the rules of the bus are, in fact, expressly THAT no one on it should be assaulting anyone else. Anyone who assaults someone on it is a person breaking the the law.

We take the bus to get from one place to another, and agree to pay the bus company for that transport and to be courteous to others on the bus. We do not take the bus in order to get assaulted, invite assault just by doing so, or make any kind of agreement to sex by virtue of sitting on the bus. I've no doubt that if you knew in advance that getting on that bus that day meant you'd be assaulted, you'd very purposefully have stayed off the bus."


I feel liberated and empowered already. I am thinking of going to a therapist that specilizing in this areas, but let's how how things go with my general therapist. I am also reminded of the kind of abuse my own mother and family went through, but never acknowledged or talked to me about it. All these issues I can explore in therapy....

Thanks! Feeling better and liberated, and empowered! I no longer have to wake up in the m orning, and face extremely difficult emotions like before...of not knowing, not having anyone understand me. Having a word for it is SOO EMPOWERING. I realize that I may still have some break-downs and emotions. [Smile] and I am tellling myself that it is OK. I might like to come back and update regardless on the progress.

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Heather
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I support every survivor using whatever language for their assault or abuse they are most comfortable with.

I'm so glad that analogy worked for you, and so glad you're starting to feel better. [Smile]

By all means, you know where to find us whenever you need or want to talk or check in!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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I am glad that I finally know a word for this. It is empowering and uplifting for me.

For over 5+ months, I was torn in between my emotions and "confused" feelings. Of course, even during my time with him, I could feel and tell and understand it..but still was not able to vocalize it as 'sexual abuse/assault". I think I went numb and was afraid to reach out to someone even though I desperately wanted to .

I talked to a lot of friends and "adults" about my feelings but no one ever said anything to make me feel better. It was not until I heard that "sexual abuse/ assualt" here that things clicked resonated. I read some more articles "not your fault" and realized that it was never about me or my responsibility. Interestingly, my 'confused' feeling disappeared soon after and I no longer felt like I was carrying them heavily on my chest.

Most of my friends/ family would have instead blamed me , showed intense angry towards my "choices" and what not. i am glad that i shared it with a few good old friends.


I sounded much more enthasiastic above than I am in reality. I have to accept that I will feel "sad/bad" still in some ways, but that I can re-gain a great wonderful life ahead of me. Sometimes I do feel like crying too. I have written him a letter with clearly spelled out words so it is a great closure for me. I am not waiting / care for a response- i did it for me.

I'm wondering what are common things people have felt since they finally understood that it was abuse/ assault / insert word of choice ....... ? What are some tips to get "your life back" and sense of yourself?

I have been conciously controlling myself and my mind from going and brooding over the past, by telllng myself that "The great thing is that IT IS OVER now"...and that I am wonderful, free etc now". This brings joy to me everything and lets me be centered in the now!


I have a counselor appointed to explore / get some professional help but that will be in a few days or more.

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breath
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I often wonder sometimes if he molested me in my sleep when I slept next to him. Is that why he asked me to take off my bra (under t-shirt) when sleeping?

I slept pretty light during this time and in this environment, and we did wake up a few times in the middle of the night so there is chance that I woke up before things could escalate. Nevertheless, i have to 'live' with that possibility...

(DEEP Breaths)

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breath
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Sometimes I wonder, if I did not go see him wearing a knee length skirt and t-shirt, being very comfortable... I wouldn't have let my guard down and be able to escape or get myself out?

I am also thinking that it may be good for me to write a letter or explain to one of his close friens/family member what happened. I believe that the story is not much different than the other woman that he has/has had...and I believe that although the family/close friends know, it may be more educational for them as well. During my episode of difficult, confusing terrible feelings, I did reach out to them via phone or email. I may offer to share my experience and point of view with the "normal" friend as a learning experience if he is interested. Any thoughts?

Best regards,

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Heather
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Her, ar1001: just FYI, I need to take the day off today, so I won't be around later, but will be back tomorrow.

I can't know -- and neither can you -- if how you dressed would have changed anything. But since women get assaulted all the time wearing all kinds of things, I'm inclined to think it likely would not have made any difference.

I can't know, and again, likely neither can you, if anything happened in your sleep. However, asking a hosted house guest to dress a certain way like that is a violation in and of itself. Sometimes with things like this which may or may not have happened, but which we can't know either way, the best tactic can be to just try and process what happened as ongoing sexual abuse, more in a lump way than incident by incident, if you know what I mean? Also, I think you really want to try and focusing on processing what you do know and remember most anyway, since those are memories you have to deal with.

In terms of that letter, I would talk to your counselor about that first. It isn't that it's not okay for you to tel anyone you want to what happened to you, but doing something like that can bring backlash to you that you may or may not be ready to deal with or want to deal with. Obviously, you want to do your best in healing to be sure that anything you do to help yourself heal really helps, rather than presenting you with new trauma or attacks to deal with.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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I completely agree and thanks for the heads up. unfortunately most of us dont' actually or at first see the abuser as such, otherwise we will / would have terminated things before.

I read through the other forums. esp. the part that 'about seeing/establishing contact with abuser' and it resonated that its often an attempt for us to mitigate or fake our selves into thinking that what happened was less significant... that in reality.

I also found it helpful reading your comment that 'the bridge was burned' when the assualt happened. It helped me focus/see objectively the first time that abuse happened , when he was rubbing on me rigously without my consent. I was shocked and didn't know what to think. *deep breaths* that's the moment that the bridge was burned, that such a person can never ever be a 'friend' or even anything else.


I recently wrote him a letter clearly spelling out my abuse "FOR My own closure/piece of mind'. He has my cell phone number ( I gave him) and I can expect an backlast. I don't use my phone much, it's on silent so I wouldnt' here anything. My roommate has agree to filter/listen to my voice mails and missed :-) in case.

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breath
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Yay, go me! I got my number changed free of cost. [Smile] The old number is disconnected/not a working number. Any mailing address he may have (and i doubt that abusers do anything that takes a lot of effort and does not give immediate results)...is not my home address ...just a generic address that wouldnt' ever reach me [Smile]

Phew...

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breath
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Crying and unhappiness....
I am seeing a counselor/therapist.
I just wanted to ask how people / others have gone through this.
I am still healing and slowly coming to terms. Sometimes, I feel like crying even in the middle of something or task. I feel great and empowered that I NOW know what is "sexual abuse" and "emotional abuse". Do you have any tips as I find and allow my self to experience beautiful better life that is ahead?

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breath
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I am currently undergoing proccess to finally see a therapist/counselor but she wouldn't be a specalist in this area etc*** so we'll see. Nevertheless, the kind of info I have found here has been very useful.

The positive thing so far that I have done:

1 ) Having a word for it sexual abuse and assault is empowering
2) I have gotten some closure/ a little bit by talking a bit to the family member/close friend of the said person which has helped to some degree but I don't want to rely on it as the main mode of therepy/recovery
3) Making a consious decision about cutting out any link with the abuser has also been very empowering for me. It has taught me how to cut people away from your life.

However:

Sometimes i cry spontenously, sometimes i feel sad/ unhappy while trying to focus on the great things ahead of me. i know that this will take time and heal on its own. I write in my journal, etc when the feelings comes. On a positive mode, I am happy that I have educated myself, so that in future I may able more aware.

perhaps, during those moments, I should remind myself that we human species and I myself are resilent, that this event ( in its most horrible state) does not have to dominate my current life, that I can indeed prevail, and succeed at my life at hand. That I will always allow myself to grieve as much as needed on this event, but I am still confident, capable and RESILENT and able to OVERCOME THIS incident.....

Want to hear other people's thoughts :'(

[ 11-25-2010, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: ar1001 ]

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Heather
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ar1001: I'm going to say something similar to you I just said to another survivor minutes ago: one of the hardest parts of all of this tends to be wanting for healing to move a lot faster than it does. The truth is that it's a long process that tends to take a lot of time.

Mind, for those of you who found support like this relatively soon after your abuses and assaults, I imagine it's going to take a lot less time than it did for those of us back when when there wasn't anything like this, when we spent years -- for some people, decades, lifetimes, even -- without support, without anyone telling us this wasn't our fault, being there in it with us.

But all the same, it's still going to take time.

I think something important to recognize, though, is that every day you process a little more like you have been is part of that time, and are all valuable steps in this process. But you also have to let yourself be in it. It's okay -- good, too -- to have time to let yourself grieve, feel all the things you're feeling, even (especially, really) the hardest, scariest feelings.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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Maybe I should stop reading some other threads on this forum. I know wonder if I was being 'groomed" by this guy in the beginning of the whole process, since I was younger, unexperienced --and the abuser the opposite--but it only rises more confusion and unpleasantness in my head/thinking.

Any thoughts or words of advice on this?
For now, I have been just been listening to soothing music and writing on journal.

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Heather
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Hey, amber. How are you doing today?

I was just going to go over to that other thread and explain the concept more, so you might want to check in there in a few.

However, unless I'm really not understanding something about this situation, I'm guessing grooming probably didn't happen here in the way that term tends to be used, which is a) usually about things starting in childhood, and b) spread out over a LOT of time, often years. The sense I get is simply that this person was exploitive/abusive with you pretty overtly right from the start.

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breath
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Thanks for your response. Yes, I agree..I had the feeling that something was wrong (and terribly wrong from DAY-2). He didn't bring out his penis immediately, but soon enough. During the whole period, he went out of the country and I was in the house and taken care of as a "guest". Due to my own personal circumstances with visa issues, etc...when he returned, I was there and then the whole cycle started. Of course, I was aware of the unhealthy dynamic that whole situation could take place, but was not sure what I was doing/done to prevent or circumvent it. I had never been intimate with a guy, so seeing all those intimate parts for the first time was even more disorienting for me, although I knew that I wasn't feeling good and was acutely aware that he wasn't being nice to me. I was probably so unhappy and ashamed that I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone about it.

Getting this OBJECTIVE information from you here has helped me very much in starting a process of understanding and slowly recovering from what happened.

I think the hardest part was that I was staying in his house and didn't want to forgo or find another place in the foreign country. In retrospect, it's not good to tolerate this behavour towards yourself for any period of time from anyone. I didn't feel good or had a good time while living there, that it would only get worse over time, and that as much as independant and self-sufficient we are, i dont need to be around such a person who does not respect me even in the most basic way. As much hard it was, by staying there, I was giving him chances to continue his patterns and I couldn't stop him becuase I literally had 0 ground.


In retrospect, with such people, there is often not much that can be done to have a normal peaceful coexistience with such people. The healthy and empowering thing to do is to leave.
I talked to the abuser's close friend/quasi-family member and found it helpful and therapeudic to talk to them and even cried a bit.


I am doing better now, trying to chill out and not think about it too much, distract myself with other things, cry and listen to some soothing music...agree that it will all take PLENTLY of time, I told myself that I will revisit you in March 2011 to see how you feel then.

In the meanwhile, i am trying to be pleasently distracted by school and thoughts of a happier future.

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Heather
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I think it's important to recognize that someone who is in a "host" position like that, especially with a minor, has most likely made a bunch of agreements with whatever agency you were visiting with which they very much broke. Heck, they may have intended to break them and seen this kind of "hosting" as a way to exploit people.

(Can I ask if you ever reported this guy to the agency you got connected to him through? Your needs and safety need to come first, of course, but I've also been wondering lately if he's still doing any such "hosting" where other folks may be at risk.)

Of course you felt pretty trapped and scared to leave: in that situation, I think it's safe to say most people would. While it's certainly unfortunate you didn't feel able to report this to whatever agency was involved, given the dynamics, again, I think that's understandable and not doing that still doesn't make any of what happened your fault. You say the healthy and empowering thing to do is to leave, but I hope you recognize that in some situations, people simply just don't feel able to do that, and when someone is abusing them, that's usually why, especially if the person being abused feels at fault in any way or ashamed.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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I am interested in hearing people's thoughts on this:

I have found it helpful that often the abuser and the abuse is not a function of ME as a person, but more so a representation of the abuser's own problems (internal, psychological, behaviour, environment) . I am quiet positive that such a person repeats similar behaviour patterns in his/her other relationships and interactions with people. That infact very little or ANY of the abuse has to be do with me being me. The same thing would have happened if there was another girl instead of [insert my name].


AS I become more aware of the abuse, I realize that what happened to me with another guy nearly 2 years ago was also sexual abuse, albert it was for a few days and "less intensity" (such a silly notion actually!) so I tend to ignored it. I felt uneasy and unhappy but quickly ignored it or repressed. Now, I understand what "it" was too.

I knew about consent and heard about it everywhere, but didnt' know exactly what it meant. I guess I have to do some reflection on what are my usual ways of giving consent ("smiling, eye contact, taking his hand and putting them on body" etc) so that in future, I can be more in tune with whether I have consented or not.

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Heather
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Just to check in, want some reading on consent, especially about giving clear consent and about how people should also be SEEKING consent (it's not just a one-way street, after all)?

If so, have you checked this out yet: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway_navigating_consent

I think your thinking about abuse being a reflection that's mostly about the abuser and less about who they abuse is very spot-on. For sure, there can be some common threads in who gets abused, but at the same time, it's about as diverse a group as it gets in a lot of ways, whereas those who abuse are a lot less diverse.

And either way, why someone abuses a given person usually mostly has to do with the opportunity to do so. Why they abuse period usually is very non-specific per who they abuse, and for sure, will often tend to be something an abuser does to more than one person in their lives.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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I have pretty horrific memory from when I was 10-years , and my biological father was in contact with my mother and us. I remember he was once told my mother after taking us out, "let me kiss your breast at least" as dropping us off. I remember getting very angry and upset at that comment.

I recall that this person was also in many ways like that esp since there was an instance where he went ahead and did "things" to my breast, even though I did't consent.

The lesson in the future is, (when the light bulbs start going on --- which they did WAY before---ie. with some of his remarks, don't continue. Stop, ask for a time out, reflect (get some advice), make a decision firmly. If that requires getting away from this person, then all means get out. Dont' share space or etc with such persons of course, as that's the most healthy way to be.?

I also dont' want to get "beat" on the lessons as what to do best will differ in each situation but generally TIME-out, reflect. if time out doesn't work, ie. they dont respect your wishes, then there is no point in having such people around you.

AH...painful stuff, but is this what life is about as we get older? Unraveling all the unhealthy attitudes we learned and unconsiously said OK to in our lives?

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breath
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I guess the other dynamics of hosing someone etc does not matter. Sexual abuse is sexual abuse the minute it happens, no matter where it happens and in what circumstances, no matter how "friends" you are with the person. That is the most important thing this website/you made me realize.

*Phew*

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breath
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Can you provide validity/confidence in this:


When I fall into thinking traps ie. that or if I was the only person who was treated this way etc, I often remind myself firmly that it was not something that happened to me uniquely,ie. this person did not decide that that hey! i'm going to try nonconsexual stuff with this person today or this time!

That it was likely something that was cultivated, and encouraged by his environment, and his past sexual experiences over many years(....he's middle age now..so). This 'sexual abuse' and not healthy sex was something that he likely practiced with his past/other sexual partners too, and not ONLY me. In fact, very little of why this behaviour had to do with ME.

[ 11-29-2010, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: ar1001 ]

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breath
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This is one of the first time I am letting myself experience all the feelings and thoughts, even though it's hard at times. Writing has been helpful for me, esp. letters
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