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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Making sense of what happened.

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Author Topic: Making sense of what happened.
littlespoon
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Member # 43465

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I was with my ex-boyfriend for about two and a half years. This relationship ended several months ago, and I haven't spoken to him since. Recently (mostly prompted by conversations with my current boyfriend), I have begun to realise that he was coercive with regard to sex. I feel like he felt some 'ownership' over my body, and that decisions over what was done to my body became joint decisions, not autonomous ones.

One particular incident has been on my mind lately, and I am unsure as to how to feel about or characterise it. Twice, when we were sleeping in the same bed, I woke up to his performing oral sex on me. We had never discussed whether this would be okay or not. Both times, I allowed him to continue and engaged in sex with him afterwards, and enjoyed it (albeit drowsily). The first time it happened, I was even a bit turned on by how he initiated it. However, both times, I decided afterward that I wasn't comfortable with that happening, and after the second time asked him not to do it again. He complied, but was confused: he didn't understand how I could be uncomfortable when I had enjoyed it.

Having thought about it more recently (this particular incident happened about a year ago, by the way), I've decided that what he did was unequivocally wrong and have been feeling incredibly violated by it. However I don't know how entitled I am to feel this way given that I enjoyed it at the time. I'm not sure what I'd looking for - I'd really just like to hear some of your thoughts on this.

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This is our last dance; this is ourselves.

Posts: 29 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It sounds to me like you're saying you felt coerced beyond these two incidents, but these two feel endemic to you of the bigger picture.

Does that sounds about right?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
littlespoon
Neophyte
Member # 43465

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Yes, that's exactly right.

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This is our last dance; this is ourselves.

Posts: 29 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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