History--Not sure when exactly, but as a teenager, father felt breasts on two separate occasions...neither time was consensual or seemed to have any reason it should have occurred. Also around this time, several touchings that seemed a bit inappropriate for a father-daughter relationship. Memories are spotty.
Early 20's--dated a guy for years. Very sexually driven man. Pressured for sexual activity. Enjoyed the kissing, did not enjoy the actual sex-type of activities because I wanted to wait. Tried to push him away or move his hands but was ignored every time. I spent a lot of time crying after each event. He was a very manipulative person... Eventually began pressuring for oral and vaginal sex...resisted, but ultimately was worn down. One occasion included giving him oral sex, then wishing to quit, but he forced me to keep going and held me down and nearly ended up choking me because he would go in so far...very frightening, to the point where today (in a different and wonderful relationship with a very caring and patient man) that I cannot think of performing oral sex without feeling anxious and degraded (and my current boyfriend does not pressure me in any way--if I ever do give him oral sex, it will be because I feel ready for it).
I have come to a point where I accept what happened with my father...though I wish it had not happened...it is a sad thing and has changed my relationship with him forever, I can not do anything about it--it happened, but my life is mine to have. The hardest part is that I still have a relationship with him and no one knows of the events.
I feel anger towards the former boyfriend. The relationship ended a couple years ago. I am so lucky to have gotten out of that relationship. I am just realizing more and more how terrible it was.
Per the current relationship...I am so lucky to be with this man. I do not want to jeopardize this relationship by having these past abuses poison it...question is...do I let time and my thoughts continue to let the past fade or should I consider talking to a counselor? What I fear is that talking about these events (especially the ones with my father) will bring back memories I'd rather not live again--I prefer to not think about the events. At this point in my life, I'm doing pretty good with it all--is it worth digging it all back up??
Sorry for the long message...
Posts: 1 | From: usa | Registered: Sep 2010
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Welcome to ST, username. I'm glad to hear that you left your abusive relationship and are in a healthy one now.
So what you're asking is whether it would be a good idea to have therapy?
Ultimately, this is going to have to be your call. Everyone deals with abuse differently and there's no one-size-fits-all healing process that works for all of us. So if you really don't feel that therapy is something you need, then that's what you feel is best for you, and that's all that matters.
In general, however, we do advise that abuse survivors seek out counseling, even if it's just for a few sessions. The reason for that is that, even when we can suppress emotions and memories pretty well and feel like they don't affect us, we generally can't push those things aside forever. So, sooner or later we'll likely come to a place where we have to face what happened and work through it. And if and when that time comes, it's a good idea to have someone by your side to walk you through it, and to give you the tools to deal with it.
But this also isn't something you need to decide right now, one way or another. Why not give yourself some time to shop around, see what your options are in terms of counseling, and then see if any of that sounds like something you want to try?
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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