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Author Topic: he makes me feel like i did something terribly wrong
christina9
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I will start by saying that I am a girlfriend that has jealous tendencies, but I have never abused my boyfriend in any sort of way, verbal or physical...I just tend to freak out when it comes to him meeting new women...

A year ago my boyfriend went to a xmas party at work and met a girl. To make this short, he ended up exchanging phone numbers with her because she was nice and he lied in my face when she one day called him when he was with me and told me it was a wrong number... with my detective talents I discovered that that was a big fat lie. All in all he apologized, his excuse was that he was scared id freak out, which mind you I probably would have...

Today I looked in his sent emails and I saw the name of a girl that resembled that girl he had exchanged numbers with a year ago, I called him and asked him who she was, and he completely flipped out.

I'm wondering if its because we had had such a big fight about this a year ago...he called me a psycho bitch, that i should go get therapy, to go F myself, that im F this and F that. When all I wanted to know was who was this person.

He will always make me feel like crap when it comes to a fight. He will always point out how insecure I am because I tend to get jealous.

I got called insecure, psycho, bitch, he even told me that I would never find anyone that would be able to handle me like he does. That the men might find me attractive but that they would not be able to handle a relationship with me because im just THAT crazy.

I think the most hurtful thing was that no one would want me.

It made me feel like I was the most horrible person in the world, so horrible that no one...not even one person could handle me, because im that jealous and insecure.

Is it true am I the only one that gets jealous in a relationship?

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Onionpie
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Hi, christina [Smile] The things your boyfriend said to you were not okay. He most definitely should not have called you names, as that is verbal abuse -- and telling you that no one could possibly handle you is also abusive. It sounds like he has a lot of work to do on arguing/disagreeing respectfully and appropriately.

However, you searching through his phone and his email accounts without his permission is also not at all okay. People have the right to their own privacy, and even if you're suspicious or just curious, you really shouldn't go and invade their privacy like that. Also, it is completely your responsibility to handle your jealousy and insecurities, and you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to never hang out or talk to any female friends. That's an issue that you really need to work on yourself.

To me it sounds like you've both got a lot to work on before either of you can be in a good, healthy relationship with anyone, so I'd really suggest you take a break from this relationship and dating altogether, and work on your issues. Therapy actually is a good idea for each of you to work on your stuff, though not because you're "crazy" or "psycho" -- plenty of people get therapy and counseling; it's a great help for sorting things out and breaking bad cycles like abuse and insecurity [Smile]

Have you checked out these articles on the main site yet?
Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?
and this is a good one about getting counseling:
Shrink Cocktail: My Starter Experience of Counseling

[ 06-13-2010, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

Posts: 1309 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
christina9
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Thank you onionpie, me and my boyfriend have actually been together 4 years. We were best friends for several years in the past. We are also each others first serious relationship, so it would be very hard for me to cut contacts with him.

I am very aware of my misbehavior, when i check his emails it seems like i am just looking to catch something that just does not exist and will not exist like "cheating".

As for him having female friends, I never forbidden him to have any, my heart just skips a beat when I hear for instance, that a new female employee got hired. I will tend to keep it to myself and blow it off on my best friend so she can calm me down.

In the beginning of my relationship with him, I used to be very verbal about how I felt when I got jealous and I think it just stuck with him.

But I also know that this does not give him the right to talk down to me, his excuse is that his father was abusive, which is something I am deeply scared of...

Like father like son? I know I cannot come to that conclusion. I have been with him for so many years and he has never touched me...though sometimes he will push me around for fun...

Wow i'm sorry it seems like the more I write the more I think of things.

Sometimes I will be at his place and he likes to wrestle and show me moves so I can defend myself because "I take the subway sometimes late at night". He will do some wrestling moves on me and ask me to try to escape it... sometimes he does it a little strong, never to the point of me crying, but I will be uncomfortable and will tell him to stop.

We also had a pillow fight, and i'm a tiny girl, I true a pillow at him and he'd throw it harder...These things just make me wonder...?

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christina9
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I will laugh it off with him, but really deep inside I feel like he is trying to prove to me like hes somewhat stronger..am i over analyzing this?
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Onionpie
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His play fighting with you is not necessarily a sign that he might become physically abusive, but if you are not comfortable with him having that sort of power over you, it's totally understandable, and you can ask him to stop. And if he's putting you into these wrestling moves without your consent first, that isn't okay, so if that's happening, I suggest you have a talk with him about doing that, okay? It's not cool of someone to just overpower someone without them saying they want that. I know that can be pretty freaking scary to experience, so make sure he knows he can't do that.

Also, your concerns about him becoming abusive like his father aren't just you being over-analytical, they're legitimate concerns. People who've lived in an abusive environment can have that behaviour become normalized for them -- sometimes they think it's normal to be abused, or sometimes they think it's normal to be abusive, know what I mean? Not everyone who is abused will become abusive or always get into more abusive relationships, but it does happen, so it's a legitimate concern of yours.

It's also concerning because he is already showing abusive traits -- calling you names and putting you down is really big verbal abuse. And abuse does tend to escalate, so it is possible that this could become physical abuse at some point in the future. I'm not trying to scare you, but I think it's important for you to keep this in mind. Unless he changes his behaviour, this might indeed escalate.

And I hear you on how hard it is to leave a relationship that's lasted for so long. And it's good to hear that you've got a better handle on your jealousy now than you did at the beginning of the relationship. So from now on do you think you'll be able to stop yourself from checking his email and his phone without permission? Even if you remain in this relationship, you can get a counselor to help you with that -- they can help you work out your insecurity, and make strategies and find resources to help you avoid acting on any insecurity you do have. It'll make life a lot happier for all involved if you manage to overcome feeling jealous whenever he mentions another girl. Therapy isn't just for "crazy" people, I promise [Smile]

However, I would still suggest taking a break from the relationship considering how he's treating you. If someone makes you feel like crap about yourself, they're not a good person to be around, and they really have to work on themselves. Relationships should be about feeling good, and he certainly can make you feel really bad sometimes, which is so not okay. So for your own sake, please just start to think about taking a break from the relationship sometime?

Posts: 1309 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
christina9
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Thank you so much, sometimes you know what to do but you just need someone to tell you to go for it. My bf likes to shut off his phone when we have fights, so I texted him that I wanted to talk to him in regards of a small break. I think it will be good for both of us, it's really just to think about what might happen further down the road.

As for therapy I will try to get informed at my university, I believe that I can have easy access to it. I just hope I wont be too embarrassed, but I think as u said it will do me some good.

Thank you onionpie [Smile]

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Onionpie
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hey, I'm glad to hear you've decided on something that feels best for you right now, it's really good you've decided this is what's in your best interest. And I'm happy I could help [Smile] We could also help you find some local counseling services if you'd like? Your university is a really good place to go, so great idea there! But if you want more resources and aren't sure where to look, we can help you. If you give us your city or postal code, we can look up local services for you [Big Grin] And if you want to talk more at any point in time, I or any other volunteer would be more than happy to help.

Now I'm off to bed, but I'll be back in the morning if you have anything else you want to talk about or if you want to continue talking about this [Smile]

Posts: 1309 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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