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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Virginity and other issues

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Author Topic: Virginity and other issues
Hudda
Neophyte
Member # 47217

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Me and my girlfriend have both planned to have sex for the first time this summer. She told me about her mean ex boyfriend that forced her to do things and one day he tried to rape her, he was able to get inside of her but she was able to push him off and then tell him to get away. She said it hurt and all, but she didnt want it, and we both agreed that he doesn't count. I'm just glad she was able to get him away, but my question is; Would this still classify as losing her virginity?
Posts: 3 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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This isn't going to be an easy yes-or-no answer because, well, it's more complex than that.

For starters, "virginity" is not a medical concept. It's a social one. As such, it does not have one set definition, but rather means many different things to many different people. How you define virginity - and losing it - is totally up to you.

For the most part, however, when someone talks about "losing their virginity", they are talking about some sexual act. And rape isn't sex: sex is a consensual activity. Rape is someone doing violence unto someone else. So, regardless of how you or your girlfriend define virginity, the fact that she was raped ought not to have anything to do with it.

Here are a couple of articles that may spark some more thoughts about the topic:
20 Questions About Virginity: Scarleteen Interviews Hanne Blank
Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context

Lastly, I'm wondering if your girlfriend ever had any help in dealing with her rape? Has she spoken to anyone else about it? Has she had counseling?

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Hudda
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Member # 47217

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Thanks for helping me clear everything up.

And yes she has had counseling, though she hasn't talked about the rape to anyone other than me. She feels that the counseling is just doing her worse because she doesn't like being told how to feel, and on top of that her mother forced counseling on her as well.

She just has one of those lives where it seems no matter who she trusts, they find a way to backstab her, but I let her know that she can trust me and Ive been nothing but nice to her since I met her because I realize what she's been going through.

[ 05-26-2010, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: Hudda ]

Posts: 3 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Glad I've been able to help.

I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend's experience with counseling has been so negative. A therapist should never try to force their view onto a patient. That's not how therapy works, ideally. Since her mother is open to the idea of therapy, could your girlfriend maybe talk to her about finding a therapist that is a better fit for her?

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Hudda
Neophyte
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Well thats a whole different issue, but, her mother is very non-supportive, and she hates her mother, and its been that way since her father went to work up west. So talking to a parent isn't really an option to her until her father comes home in June.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Not every counselor is a good fit. In a lot of ways, picking a counselor is like picking a partner in a relationship: we're not often going to find that the first person made available to us just happens to be the right person, someone with whom we click.

If asking her mother for a switch isn't possible, she CAN tell the counselor she is seeing now that she doesn't feel the fit is right and ask that counselor to make a referral for her to someone else. Unless this counselor is a total arse, they'll always be willing to do that, since counselors a) know that a good fit matters and b) don't really want to be providing therapy for anyone who isn't going to participate because they don't have a good fit.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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