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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » returning to the scene of the crime

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Author Topic: returning to the scene of the crime
synth
Neophyte
Member # 46593

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I'm back at my Mother's again, 10 minuets away from where it happens and where he still lives. I had managed to numb myself to it whilst I was living here but having the luxury of living in London I guess it has worn off or I have become fragile. I'm finding it so hard, had to be collected at 2 am by my partner last night as I was having a flip out. My girlfriend is dating a guy who is still friends with my rapist. It was so hard to break out of that friendship circle and start to heal and now I feel that these scars are being clawed at. He comes to mine and he speaks of my rapist. I was explaining this to me lover and I started having full on flashbacks and flinching/shaking. I got to the stage which I couldn't stand physical contact. I felt better as soon as we left my hometown by had to sleep alone on the sofa. I am feeling better but tense I don't feel up to going home yet, not sure about outside either. I have a party planned tomorrow I don't want to cancel it but I don't know if I will be able to come home. My mother doesn't know what happened she just knows I am at his I don't know how long I can stay here with out worrying her too much as to why. I had another flashback at my partner's on Monday night, I've been having dreams again, not frightening, they never were but it just shows I can't escape it. I've tried the rewind techniqueas I was taught but this seems not to have helped and I am still too tense to be able to try it again

I just don't know what to do I have a summer to face at home between term's and I am scared as to how it will effect me.

Posts: 2 | From: UK | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, only a couple years ago, more than 25 years after my assaults, was I able to go back to the places where they happened and not either fall apart or get triggered. Even then, after some years of counseling and plenty of time, it still was incredibly difficult. So, I can imagine how hard this is for you right now. I hope you can cut yourself a break and recognize it's not at all surprising you're feeling like this.

A few suggestions:

Might you be up to telling your Mom about this yet? Because not only the process of telling her and breaking that silence, but having her filled in so she can be an extra support might help a lot.

Can you look into some counseling or a support group while you're there?

Perhaps obviously, I'd encourage you to create some new friends, and to set some limits on existing friends who associate with that person. Even if you don't want to disclose a rape, something like "I had a very bad experience with that guy, and I don't want to talk about it, but can you please not talk about him around me?" might help curb some of the feeling that he's all around you.

As well, if you have to be there for the summer, I'd also suggest doing all you can to make new memories in spaces and places you don't in any way associate with your rape. Do you know what I mean by that?

Lastly, I hope you know that if you didn't report before, you do still have that option now. Is that something you might want to do?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
synth
Neophyte
Member # 46593

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Thank you Heather, I tried reporting it last year to no avail. I really don't want to tell my Mother, she would just blame herself as mother's do.

I am lucky enough that this bloke is the only real link to him really.

I had some counseling last spring but the only thing which helped was the rewind treatment. The only counceling I want for this is specialized but the waiting lists for rape counceling are years long.

I'm also looking for short term fixes so I can go home tomorrow and enjoy seeing some old friends, perhaps even have the strenght to stay home till I have to go to London rather than hiding away here.

Posts: 2 | From: UK | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm sorry to hear reporting went like that for you.

With your mother, I want to make sure you're aware that it's not only not up to you to try to manage her feelings for her, that's also probably not something a parent who really wanted to BE your parent would WANT you to do. Feeling like you shouldn't tell to try and manage her feelings is usually something that comes out of shame and self-blame around rape and abuse, not out of sound ideas about either your well-being or hers. So, I think it's important to ask yourself (as it is for any of us) if your mother, when you have been hurt in your life or are hurting now, would want to be able to help you with that. If you think that she would, then withholding this from her isn't doing her or you any favors: rather, it's potentially keeping you both from what you'd really want or need.

Do you know what I mean? Hopefully it's obvious that if you don't want to tell her because you think she's blame you or be unsupportive that's something totally different. But if you have the sense she would be supportive and caring, but just have her own feelings to manage, I'd remind you that a) she's an adult and b) she chose to be your parent, ostensibly because that's what she wanted, which includes wanting to help you when you need help. In other words, if you don't let a parent help who wants to and you keep trauma from them, it will usually come out eventually and their hurt will tend to be far greater from knowing they didn't help when they could have, or you thought about them instead of what you needed, and kept them from being able to help.

I'm also sorry to hear the wait for counseling is so long: I know that's a problem in the UK. However, there are in some areas some specific rape crisis centers and groups. If you toss me your county or city, I'd be happy to look for you.

In terms of some sort term fixes, is there anyone besides your lover who knows about your rape: other supports and allies you can call on to come places with you and be there for you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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