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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Recovering from emotional abuse?

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Author Topic: Recovering from emotional abuse?
McKayla
Neophyte
Member # 46121

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Hi, my name is McKayla. I know for a fact that I have been emotionally abused by my ex-boyfriend for the past year and a half.

At first, he was really sweet, but over time he changed. He was my first boyfriend ever, so I didn't really know what to expect. He started with getting mad over little things, calling me crazy (I have an anxiety disorder and OCD), and insulting my family and friends. He escalated to talking about other "hot" girls, insulting my appearance, telling me how stupid and worthless I was, telling me what an awful person I was, demanding I spend more time with him than anyone else, posting mean things about me on Twitter, letting his friends talk horribly about me, telling me I wasn't and could never be a decent girlfriend, and threatening to dump me because I wouldn't have sex with him. I'm 17 and a virgin, but I have recently found my faith and want to wait until marriage for sex, not just because it's the right thing to do in my mind, but because I'm not ready for the reprocussions. Anyway, he never respected my sexual wishes. I gave him multiple blow jobs when I didn't want to. I felt I had to because if I didn't he would be mad. I also swallowed when I didn't want to.

When my grandma was ill and ultimately passed away recently, he broke up with me (temporarily) while I was at the hospital visiting her because they didn't think she would make it through the night. When she passed, and I was emotionally insane, he wanted me back, and accused me of "trolling" him and playing games when I wanted some time to work on things. We eventually got back together but I wasn't happy and wasn't nearly as affectionate, and he eventually dumped me for the most recent and final time. Of course, he eventually wanted me back but I told him again that we needed to work things out before getting back together. Again, he told me I was just playing with him. After much arguing, and him blowing up at me for wanting to drink occasionally with my girlfriends (I'm a junior in high school and I've never been to a party, for heaven's sake) he hasn't spoken to me at all, save for two emails.

Basically, I want to try and figure out how in the hell I'm going to get over this. This has literally been the most stressful year and a half of my life, and I don't know how to deal with life without him, or with the scars he's left me with. I have no self-esteem, I catch myself thinking how ugly I am or how no one will ever want me. I don't really know what to do. I want him back, so badly, which is the SICKEST part of this whole ordeal. But I know, I truly know in my heart, that it's over, and it's for the best. I feel like such a fool for how I dealt with it for so long.

Gosh, I'm sorry for this being so long. I just needed to get this all off my chest. If anyone has read this, I truly appreciate it. I just need some help. =/

Thanks in advance.

-McKayla

[ 03-08-2010, 07:59 PM: Message edited by: McKayla ]

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<3, McKayla

Posts: 7 | From: Florida | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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McKayla, before I say anything else, do you want to keep those emails here? I ask because this is a very highly-ranked site, Google will cache them, and then your ex could presumably find them and easily identify you.

I have read the whole of them, so if you want to remove them (which I'd advise), I've got the general gist.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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McKayla
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Member # 46121

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Heather, I didn't even think of that. Thank you. I've removed them. Gosh, I'm so glad you mentioned that. He would have been enraged if he had found this.

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<3, McKayla

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Of course. perhaps obviously, the last thing we'd want for a person who got away from someone abusive is to open a window for more abuse.

Like I said, I did read them, and I certainly understand why you're feeling the way you are, especially if that dynamic was something you were in for a year and a half. It's nearly impossible to be in something like that for that long with that level of manipulation and not have it get under your skin. In fact, if it hadn't, there's no way you would have stayed in it that long.

A lot of the things he was saying to you and the way he said them were textbook when it comes to abuse. For instance, suggesting that if you could just be who he wanted you to be, if you would just be *willing to change* to make him happy, everything would be hunky-dory. Of course, one of the biggest flaws in that is that no one can be who someone abusive wants them to be because a) their criteria tend to constantly change, and b) abusive people don't really want to deal with a real, whole, actual person who has their own needs and personality.

To start, are you absolutely clear of this person now? In other words, are you safe, away from them, and do you have at least someone supportive in your life who knows you want to stay away, who you could call on in the chance he doesn't stay away?

How about counseling or support groups? have you looked into either yet?

I do hope that you can at least recognize that leaving abusive relationships is very hard. I know you're still stuck in the place he put you per esteem in some ways, but at the same time, it's strong people who leave abusive relationships, brave people, people who do care about themselves and know they do not deserve to be treated that way.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
McKayla
Neophyte
Member # 46121

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Heather, I apologize for not replying sooner. My cousin/best friend's grandmother was just diagnosed with a terminal illness last week, and then I got really sick.

I've tried to change for him before (obviously a mistake) and he is never happy. He's molded my reactions and behaviors to what he wants. I used to be very self-sufficient and headstrong, and now if anyone is angry with me I automatically apologize and beg for forgiveness. Even with my friends. I'm so worried I'm going to lose my relationships, I suppose because he would threaten to leave me so often.

In reply to the question about being clear of him, it's impossible to be. He goes to my small school and I see him often, and he always looks at me and it just pierces my heart, you know? He always emails and texts me too, which is awful. He acts so cute and sweet and it just breaks my heart. I'm trying my hardest to stay away from him, but he keeps trying to break through to me. Today he has emailed me and yelled, saying I never showed him I cared about him and that I was always an awful girlfriend but he loves me and misses me. I am so stressed out because of an upcoming art school audition and that just makes it worse. [Frown]

I've tried to find a counselor before because of my anxiety issues, but the three times my parents made me an appointment, the therapist cancelled. I doubt I'd be able to attend support groups in real life, because I live in a very small, rural area and I don't want people to know that I need help. Also, my parents don't know that I was even involved with my ex for the past few months.

I definately know this is hard. I have tried to leave time and time again, and it's never worked. Do you have any tips on making sure I stay away?

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<3, McKayla

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It's okay. I hope you're feeling better.

In terms of helps for staying away, for starters, I'd block your phone and set your email so that any emails that come from him go straight into your spam folder where you don't even have to see them.

How about friends? Do you have one or two close friends you can talk to? If so, you can ask them to help you keep your distance. Friends can be great for helping each other keep goals and agreements, and this certainly could be included.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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McKayla
Neophyte
Member # 46121

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To block my phone do I just call my wireless provider? Is there a fee? I can definately do the email thing.

My close friends thought I was already staying away from him. =/ He caused me to lie to everyone I love. I guess I'll just have to come clean and ask for their help. =/

He called me tonight... I was trying to finish a drawing after a huge mishap and he wouldn't let me get off the phone... he kept telling me how awful of a girlfriend I was and how crazy I am and how ugly my vagina is and how fat I look with my hair curled and how he doesn't know how he ever stayed with me. I finally just had to hang up. I'm so sick of being treated badly. [Frown]

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<3, McKayla

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Per blocking, yeah, I'd just give them a call. You also may be able to just change your number.

With your friends, while it can be tough to be a friend of someone in abuse, and tough to deal with the dishonesties that often result as part and parcel of those dynamics, the people who deeply love you will tend to find a way to understand and be supportive. So, I'd suggest going ahead and asking for their help, with whatever apologies you feel you need to make for being dishonest. Reconnecting with the people you love and who love you is important, no matter what, for all of you, and it's okay to do that from a position where, for right now, you need their help.

I'm glad you just hung up: I know it probably doesn't feel like a huge step, but it's a step, and it matters. I'm also glad to hear you voice anger and frustration at being maltreated and verbally abused: that's good, that's healthy.

By the by, do you have any access/income for books? if so, I could suggest a couple I think might help you out a lot.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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