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Author Topic: I'm just pretty confused ...
Lady Xanthine
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I recently got out of a relationship that was ... well I don't know how to describe it. Due to certain things that happened over the course of it, my mom and I rarely speak anymore. When I broke up with my ex, my mom said that I should not have and that I was a 'gold digger.' While he did buy me a ton of stuff I didn't want/need, that is NOT the reason I went out with him AT ALL. The only reason I did is because when we got together my dad was dying and I needed a shoulder to cry on. How do I mend things with my mom?

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Don't try to feed me "the truth." Just give me the facts and I can figure out the truth for myself.

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can SURVIVE.

Posts: 18 | From: Western Washington | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Xanthine
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Member # 45122

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And there is more to this, if anyone wants to know (which I highly doubt), regarding why it was posted in this section.

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Don't try to feed me "the truth." Just give me the facts and I can figure out the truth for myself.

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can SURVIVE.

Posts: 18 | From: Western Washington | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Did your mother have a different impression of the relationship than was how it really was? Were there bad things about it she doesn't know about?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67102 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Xanthine
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Well ... my mom knows about what happened. It's kind of a long story ... please bear with me. (And you're in WA too? Awesome. Merry Christmas.)

So, when my ex (let's call him T) and I started going out, it was about 2 months before my dad died. He had terminal cancer, and I guess I needed someone to be with me during that time. On the day my dad died, August 23 of 2008, T and I were at his house, as my mom shoved me out so that she could deal with the people who came to take him to the funeral home or wherever. Well, T fingered me without my permission. We were swimming and he went up behind me, grabbed me, and fingered me. I was too freaked out to reply. After a little while he stopped, and we pretended it never happened. I guess he did it to cheer me up, cuz I was being all mopey and sad.
But then, about a month later, I was at his house. We were in the treehouse, just hanging out. Then he forced me to have sex with him. This sort of thing went on for about a year, and that wasn't everything. After my dad died, I changed, and T hated it. We'd known each other since we were in 3rd grade, and he wanted the old me, from when we were little. back. He also would hit me whenever I did something wrong, he hit my two closest friends (Call them M and B), and he forced me and M to have sex. We're both girls, and while I am bi, M is the closest thing to a sister I've ever had, so it was just ... no.
Fortunately I broke up with T about 5 months ago. However he kept coming over to my house, and kept this up for 2 months after we broke up because my mom didn't want me to break up with him because A) he bought me a ton of crap that I DID NOT ask for, and B) had been there when my dad died. Literally. He came to my house at 1 AM to comfort me, and while that is very well & good, taking advantage of the fact that I was upset to use me for sex is not. That September, I started going out with my current boyfriend, let's call him C, and over the course of about 2 weeks I told him the whole story. A week after C and I started going out, I blocked T completely out of my life, on about the 12th of Sept. He had forced me to have sex with him again two days before. On the 19th of October, I had missed two periods, and I was as sure I could be that I was pregnant without a test. (Fortunately, I wasn't.) I couldn't get a test because my mom would know, so I was going to go to Lynnwood to go to the free clinic there, since there's not one here in ... well, I'm not saying where I live where anyone can see it. As I can't drive yet, I had to have C drive me. I left a note to my mom explaining where I was and why I had left. I didn't mention T, just that I thought I was pregnant and I was going to Lynnwood. Of course, C's parents noticed he was gone, and made the connection. When I got back (I never made it to Lynnwood, my mom called me and I felt so guilty) my mom was ready to KILL C, because she thought that he was the one I was sleeping with. When I told her it was T, she flipped out and said I was lying. I'm not allowed to have anyone over when my mom's not home, but I often have C over, because I'm afraid T is going to come to my house and hurt me again. My mom has come home to see him here, and gets so mad, and I can't explain it to her because she doesn't believe me. How do I fix all this? And how can I stop attracting people who are mean like that? (Two of C's friends have tried to have their way with me, but C found out and got so mad at them. They aren't friends anymore.)

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Don't try to feed me "the truth." Just give me the facts and I can figure out the truth for myself.

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can SURVIVE.

Posts: 18 | From: Western Washington | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I just took a list at your post on the abusive checklist, too. So, I'm obviously bringing that information into my response, as well.

This person raped you, and apparently more than once. Even your meeting started out with a sexual abuse. This person also physically and sexually abused your friends.

Have you told your Mom about all of this? If not verbally, how about a letter? Additionally have you considered pressing charges against this person or at the very least, getting a restraining order?

Let's talk out the issues with your Mom some first, okay? Then we can go to what you can do to do your best to avoid getting involve with abusive people.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67102 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Xanthine
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Alright, though I try not to use the term 'rape' as I knew T long before any of this happened.

I did try to tell my mom, but she didn't believe me. She called T over to our house and asked him if it was true ... of course he denied it all. The odd thing was, my mom believed him and not me. Now I'll admit that I'm not the most honest person in the world, but it was always minor things, like if I'd gotten my homework done or something. Never anything serious, like this.

I told my mom pretty much the whole story, but she was still mad at me for breaking up with him. He used to be really nice, before all this happened, and my mom had that image of that person in her head. She said if I broke up with him I was a 'gold digger', whatever that is, but I guess it's someone who goes out with people for their money/the stuff they get from it. T DID buy me a lot of stuff, but none of it was stuff I asked for, and he used it as a way to keep me with him. And so did my mom, because like I said, she said I was a gold digger and he was a nice boy, and that I was making it all up. Now, she'd walked in on him doing that, and when I brought that up, she denied ever seeing that, and kept saying I was making it up so that I could go out with C.

Basically I just want to know how I can get my mom to believe me.

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Don't try to feed me "the truth." Just give me the facts and I can figure out the truth for myself.

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can SURVIVE.

Posts: 18 | From: Western Washington | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Knowing someone for a long time doesn't mean they can't rape us, unfortunately. Women through history have been raped by spouses, children by parents, people by family friends, the works. It's awful, but it's reality for many, many people. In fact, more rapes happen every year from rapists victims know than by strangers.

I can't express how sorry I am that you told your mother all of this and she didn't believe you and then went on to make accusations about you. That's just the worst.

There are a lot of different reasons that might happen, and we can talk about those if you want. For instance, sometimes when other people have been abused themselves and are in denial, they deny the abuse of others.

Have you had any kind of counseling for this yet? I ask that not only because it would probably help you, but because it sounds to me like the next step with your mother, if you want to try and continue the relationship, is to have some sort of mediator who DOES believe and support you available to help your mother be able to listen and believe you, and to help guide you two to working this out.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67102 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Xanthine
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I have gone to a counselor, but that was mainly last year, and it was a grief counselor for after my dad died. Plus, while the lady was nice, I didn't really ... well, it's not that I didn't like her, but I didn't really trust her.

About the thing where my mom might've been abused ... I honestly have no idea who could've. I'm not saying that you're wrong, but I just don't know anyone who would do that.

I think I will look into getting a counselor, though I'd have to talk to him/her alone first. It takes a long time for me to trust people.

And I was always under the impression that it was only rape if you didn't know the person ... I guess I was wrong.

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Don't try to feed me "the truth." Just give me the facts and I can figure out the truth for myself.

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can SURVIVE.

Posts: 18 | From: Western Washington | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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To make it clear, rape isn't about what relationship any two people have, it's about one person pursuing a sexual act on, to or inside another person who does not want to participate, and who does not fully and freely consent to take part in that act.

In other words, it's about someone forcing what is sex for them unto someone else who is not consenting.

And like I said, your Mom being abused or raped in some way is only one possibility of many, but it is a possibility, and you not knowing "anyone who would do that" doesn't count for much, if you get me.

Given your experiences, it's unsurprising you have issues with trust. But given all of this, I think you finding someone to start with would be a good idea. By all means, pick and choose who you want to see: if you have a first meeting and don't feel like they'll be a good fit, you try someone else. Then you can take the time you need to build trust with that person before disclosing certain things and/or asking them to mediate with your mother.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67102 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Xanthine
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Thanks for helping me out with all of this. I just don't want to start the next year as badly as this one has been. If I have any more issues, it's okay for me to ask them on here again, right?

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Don't try to feed me "the truth." Just give me the facts and I can figure out the truth for myself.

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can SURVIVE.

Posts: 18 | From: Western Washington | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Of course. And I'm happy to keep talking, too, if you want to do that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67102 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Xanthine
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Member # 45122

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Okay, new predicament involving this whole thing.

I was on deviantART the other day (it's sort of an art blog) and since I'm a lazy butt, I never removed T from the deviantWATCH list (it alerts you when someone on the list has posted a new pic or blog entry). So I saw he posted some new stuff, which got me around to checking his page. I saw that he has a new girlfriend, who also has a profile on dA. Now, it's not an online girlfriend, it's a girl who goes to his school. As in for reals here. Should I warn her about him? I mean, she might be the meanest person on earth for all I know, but I still don't want a repeat of what happened to me. (Also the reasons T put in his blog of why he likes her are the reasons he claimed he was 'punishing' me.)

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Don't try to feed me "the truth." Just give me the facts and I can figure out the truth for myself.

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can SURVIVE.

Posts: 18 | From: Western Washington | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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