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Author Topic: Is it rape if..
Eevie
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Sorry to post another topic.. I'm just really unsure of what to do now..

Its kind of hard to right down.. but when I think of the support I got on here before, it makes me motivated to write.

I just wanted to know if it counts as rape if I was crying about something else beforehand and I didn't shrug off my therapist because I thought he was comforting me.. that was when he began to undo my shirt that I fought back..

Plus I was at his house because he invited me over to talk over more coping mechanisms for the miscarriage..

I don't even know how I let it happen when I was fighting back.. Sorry to post this on here but I just wanted to know, thanks.

Evs

[ 09-28-2009, 03:47 AM: Message edited by: Eevie ]

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eryn_smiles
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Eevie,
I'm so sorry this happened to you- what you're describing does sound like rape or sexual assault. It was sex that you didn't consent to at all. Its very common for women to find it hard to "fight back"- that doesn't mean it's not rape.

Its also completely unethical and unprofessional for your therapist to even invite you to his house, let alone make sexual advances. Therapists have their liscences taken away for behaviour like that. Its really awful for people in that positiion of power and trust to prey on vulnerable clients.

Are you feeling unsafe or needing to talk to someone right now? If so, please try Lifeline (0800 111 777 or 0800 543 354) or Wellington Sexual Abuse Crisis line (499 7532) or Samaritans (473 9739). All of those lines are open 24 hours a day. You may feel like a counsellor is the last person you want to talk to at the moment, but especially if you feel in danger, please let someone know to help keep you safe.

(If you had intercourse, without a condom, please also try to get the emergency contraceptive pill in the morning from any pharmacy or family planning centre [available without prescription]).

The volunteers will talk to you further in the morning, I just didn't want to leave your post unanswered. Take care.

[ 09-28-2009, 07:00 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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atm1
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Hi Eevie,

I'm very, very sorry that that happened to you.

I'm not 100% sure what the law is in NZ, but I'm betting its the same as it is here in the US which is that legally, you *can't* consent to sex with your therapist, particularly if you're still a minor.

It's just like if an on duty, armed, police officer told you to have sex with him--there's a power dynamic inherent in relationship that means that there cannot be consensual sexual contact.

What this means is that legally, this is very much so rape. Whether or not you want to go to the police is press charges is entirely up to you, but it is certainly an option for you.

You can also likely report him to either the head of his practice or the government body who licenses him. This is clearly something that he actively planned, something he decided to do to you. Odds are quite high he's done it to other women, too.

Whatever you choose to do, I strongly recommend that you do NOT see this therapist again, ever, and likely find a new and different place to receive therapy. His colleagues are likely his friends, and it may mean that they would be less likely to believe you.

So, with all that information, what options would you like to talk about? Would you like to talk about reporting him in some way, either to the police or elsewhere? Would you like to focus on what challenges may be involved in finding new counseling or contacting a rape crisis center?

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-Lauren-
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Eevie.. I don't really know what to say. I'm just so, so sorry that this happened to you, when you were taking such a brave step to take care of yourself. Please know that you did nothing wrong, and you were entirely in the right -- you were seeking help for your problems, and this sorry excuse of a "professional" manipulated and took advantage of your state. We're all very proud of you for taking that step, and I can't begin to imagine how it must feel to have something like this happen when you're trying so hard to move on with your life.

Please be aware that it is absolutely NOT okay for ANY health care professional to even suggest seeing you after-hours in anything but another staffed office, as Eryn said. There is no valid reason to make that request -- if you need more assistance, their job is to schedule for longer sessions, book you more times per week, or refer you to someone else. Sadly, there exist people in the profession who take advantage of people with mental or emotional problems, and it's a pretty much sure bet that when they suggest personal meetings, it's for their gain, not yours.

I'd encourage you to reach out to your family: you have a good relationship with your brother, so why not start there? How about your aunt? She was awesomely supportive with your pregnancy and loss, and a sexual assault by an authority figure is an even harder thing to navigate alone.

I'm going to mirror what atm1 said: please do not go back to this therapist or contact him again. I think your first step will be getting a supportive adult on your side, to not only provide you support, but to do things like call the office on your behalf to ask for the number for the patient ombudsman/licensing board should you decide to report and help you navigate your options. *hug* It's going to be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

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Eevie
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Eryn: I've cancelled my appointments and cut off contact with him.. Is there even a chance I could be pregnant again this soon after a miscarriage? I didn't even think of that..

atm: Thinking about going back to therapy anywhere just makes me feel sick to my stomach.. Will I have to? Can't I just deal with this on my own?

I just want to talk about what I do now..

Lauren:I don't want to unload any of this on Shane (my brother) cause he's going through some problems with his partner..

You're right, it doesn't feel like its gonna be okay. Nothing does. But thank you for your support. I'm so glad that there are people here who believe me.

Evs

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Stephanie_1
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Eevie: I'm glad to hear that you've cut off contact and will no longer be in appointments with him. What he did was completely unethical, and of course we believe you. We also all know that this was his fault and not yours. It is possible to become pregnant because you will begin ovulating again. Do you need information on EC?

It's understandable that you don't want to go back into therapy now, and it's something you may want to consider at a later time, and if you don't want to talk about that right now that's okay. Do you have friends or family that you can turn to if you need someone close? Someone nearby that you trust? Even if you don't want to turn to your brother right now, is there someone else you feel really close to?

I'm really sorry for what your therapist did, and you feeling like nothing is going to be okay is really normal. But know that it will be okay. It will take some time, and a lot of support. We're all here to listen and talk with you whenever. Right now, it's going to be about focusing on one day at a time and finding an outlet where you can let go some. What are some of your interests, things you may be able to do to help you relax and get your mind off of what happened - even if just for a little bit?

[ 09-28-2009, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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-Lauren-
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quote:
Thinking about going back to therapy anywhere just makes me feel sick to my stomach.. Will I have to? Can't I just deal with this on my own?

I just want to talk about what I do now..

Eevie, it's perfectly natural and understandable to feel really repulsed by the thought of therapy right now after you took that step and had your trust spurned at a time when that was the last thing you needed.

But I've really got to re-iterate, I don't think this is a good idea to try to do on your own. You may be able to go as usual and pretend everything's okay, but as you found out with your pregnancy/loss, undergoing it all alone tends to backfire. I know that Shane is having relationship trouble, but don't you think he'd appreciate the chance to be supportive after not only the love and support you've given him, but the fact that you were physically assaulted and need comfort?

I mean, speaking for myself, I wouldn't care what I were going through.. a death of someone close, a major medical problem, major job/school stress, I'd be very, very upset to discover my sister didn't give me the chance to be there for her if she went through anything like this. In fact, sometimes helping others can feel therapeutic and give them the extra push and tools to work out their own problems, or at least so it works for me.

If you're absolutely sure that you don't want to involve your brother, why not your aunt? She's your guardian for now, and seems to love you and your siblings tremendously and seems to be a good support person all-around. When you think of going and telling her today or tomorrow, what crosses your mind? What are the feelings holding you back?

As for your other concern.. yes, it is possible to get pregnant very soon after an abortion or miscarriage. If this occurred less than 120 hours ago (5 days), you can take emergency contraception to reduce your chance of pregnancy. Alternately, you may consider visiting a rape crisis center. They can help you with emergency contraception, post-assault medical care, and give you information about reporting and direct you to or provide counseling. Does the thought of seeing a counselor at a center that specializes in ensuring women who've been sexually assaulted feel safe and respected make you feel any better about the thought of therapy, once you're ready to revisit the thought?

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Eevie
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Stephanie: Can I still get it if it was six days ago..? Oh god what if I'm pregnant again? Well I love sports, and I've found myself practising heaps lately..

Lauren: I know.. It's just I'm worried that he'll get so angry and go after him. He's done that with past boyfriends who've hurt me, even though he's a year younger than me he's very protective..

I don't want to bother my aunt either.. She's been so good to me and my brothers..

I don't know.. the thought of counseling at all just makes me want to hurl and/or scream..

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eryn_smiles
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Hi Eevie,

Unfortunately, six days is too late to take the emergency contraceptive pill. (It needs to be taken less than 120 hours after a pregnancy risk to be effective). What you can do is take a regular pregnancy test 10-14 days after the risk (ie, at least 4 days from now). It's also a good idea to get yourself tested for sexually transmitted infections once you feel able to. You don't have to tell the nurse or doctor that you were raped, but they'll be able to help you better if you can tell them.

As Lauren said, what do you think about talking to a counsellor (likely female) who only deals with rape crisis situations like yours? Here is a number for you again, in case you feel like calling- Wellington Sexual Abuse Crisis line 499 7532 (24 hours).

This is the main rape crisis centre, open during the daytime-
http://www.wellingtonrapecrisis.org.nz/

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Heather
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(By the by, I know another user of ours has utilized that center in the past and was very pleased with the services they provided and the staff there.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Eevie
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What do I do if I'm pregnant again? I don't think I can handle this.. None of it..

Why didn't I realise what he was gonna do? Why was I so naive? Its my fault.. I shouldn't have gone over to house.. I shouldn't have let him comfort me when I was upset..

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Heather
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While I certainly do wish you'd have come here when he invited you to his home and asked us about it, and wish you had come back earlier to talk about this a) nothing makes an assault the person who was assaulted's fault and b) going to shoulda-woulda-couldas just doesn't tend to be comforting, healing or in any way productive.

In the same way, going to the what-ifs right now probably isn't going to be helpful, either. You CAN have a copper IUD inserted in the next day or two as emergency contraception as one option: the window on that is still open, so if you want to do that, I'd go to an ER pronto to take care of that.

I would also strongly encourage you to utitilize that rape crisis center. They can help you with reporting this, with getting whatever care -- physical or emotional -- you need, and just with letting you know what your options are. They can also be an org you connect with so if and when you CAN'T deal, you have somewhere safe, in-person to go to.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Eevie
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But it is my fault.. Him inviting me over is way innapropriate and I should've seen that..

The what ifs and the shoulda-woulda-couldas keep going round and round in my head..

What is a copper IUD and how much will it cost? Its been a week now..

I feel scared and ashamed.. Like they'll judge me or not believe me..

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eryn_smiles
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Hey Eevie,

It can be very easy to blame yourself but rape is 100% the fault of the rapist. This particular man also crossed alot of professional boundaries and is probably not safe to be practicing without at least some serious disciplinary action and supervision. But, there's no way you could have known that. We are supposed to be able to trust people like mentors and therapists, which makes it incredibly hard when they commit crimes like this against us.

A copper intra-uterine device (IUD) is a small device which is inserted into the uterus, through the vagina and cervix by a sexual healthcare provider, and which remains in the uterus until removed. It can be used as emergency contraception or be used long term over years. It can be very effective at preventing pregnancy, but you'd need to get in to see someone quite urgently. Here's some more information-
http://www.scarleteen.com/birth_control_bingo_intrauterine_devices_iud

You could go to the hospital ED as Heather mentioned, but may feel a bit more comfortable going to your local Family Planning Clinic? If you mention that you need emergency contraception, they should be able to fit you in as they usually have "walk-in" appts. The appt cost would be free for you if you're under 22 years old. The cost of the IUD is around $75. I think sometimes it can be subisidised, but am not sure of the terms. It would be best to head to ED or an FPC today or early tomorrow if you want to consider this option. Is there anyone, like a friend or your aunt you could take with you for support?

Please understand that for people who work in sexual health and rape crisis services, it's their *job* to believe and support you through this. Sadly, they will work with new survivors of rape and abuse every day.

[ 10-01-2009, 03:46 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Eevie
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I don't think I could go through with that.. I don't have the money and I can't tell anyone.. I just can't and I know I should be able to but..
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eryn_smiles
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Thats ok, its just an option for you to consider.
Maybe you can slowly work towards talking to someone who can support you in-person.
You know, when you call the rape crisis line or any helpline, you can always hang up if it gets too much for you. But even picking up the phone is a good start.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Eevie
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I might, but looking at the phone makes me look ill. I used to have no problem talking about stuff, but why can't I talk now? I just wish this hadn't happened at all.. I wish I'd never even gotten a therapist.
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Heather
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Thing is, the trouble wasn't A therapist. It was THIS therapist, one who, if you filed a report, would lose his license and never be able to practice again.

You came here for counseling and counsel, after all, and seem to remain pretty comfortable here. The trouble isn't about getting counseling or therapy, but about making sure you're choosing someone for it who is a good choice as much as you can. While there's only so much you can do, I can assure you that this last therapist was the great exception, not the rule, and again, one you could assure could no longer practice if you wanted.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Eevie
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I don't think of this as counseling at all. Its not like I would know what that is anyway because my old one did a crap job but I don't. Its the idea of even making an appointment, picking up the phone.. I don't need one do I? There must be something else I can do instead..
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Heather
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Well, that is what this is.

The reason why we're suggesting an in-person rape crisis center is for a host of reasons, and getting counseling is but one of them. You can also get support there, find out about your options in terms of reporting, have an environment you know you can go to if and when you need it.

In terms of what else you can do instead...well, what do you need?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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eryn_smiles
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Hi Eevie,
Just wondering how you're doing? And hoping you were able to get some extra support [Smile] .

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Eevie
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Hi.. Well I suppose I should update this..

I was pregnant.. but I had an abortion.. I used to feel guilty about it (especially since I read this magazine in the waiting room which said that if you have one you'll go to hell and you're a murderer etc etc) but not anymore. It was for the best.

I guess I'm getting my life back on track. I told Shane, and he is completely supportive. I just love him so much, he's the best brother ever and is being fantastic [Smile] . He organised someone for me to see and I've been seeing her for a wee while, and she's pretty good too. I've finally started feeling like I'm getting my life back on track.. even though I've got a ways to go..

So thanks for all the support on here, and I hope its okay if I update from time to time..

Lots of love,

Evs

[Smile]

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eryn_smiles
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Eevie,
Glad and relieved to hear that you're feeling better and seeing someone as well [Smile] . Your brother sounds great! Also sounds like having an abortion was a really good decision for you at this time. Take care, and I hope for you that things can only improve further from here.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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